Embracing My Inner Weirdo

I Need to Smell Some Pine Needles

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:28:00 +0000

It's almost Thanksgiving, and considering the predicament I allowed myself to get in this holiday season, namely scheduling too many parties and hang-outs, and too little time with Hubs in the country, I decided that I want to decorate early, and to hell with the Jones'. Also, F the HOA. I do understand the 'uniformity' of the neighborhood, but I seriously doubt that Christmas lights are bringing down property prices. Anyway, can they go any lower??

Thinking of P being gone for so long.... it terrifies me. I feel the panic rising, but I know we'll be okay. No scary movies, murder mysteries or open windows at night. Good thing it's Winter here. And even better that Boogie is the best preschooler on the face of the earth. My kid is so amazing, I sometimes wonder if we accidentally brought an alien baby home from the hospital, and one day antennae will spring from her head.

I'm trying to keep very busy so she doesn't miss him too terribly. We bought cameras so we can Skype, and I suggested that he record a couple books in Spanish for her to listen to while I get the baby sleeping at night. Christmas shopping is almost done, out house is one big pile of UPS delivered boxes, and I can't wait to crack open the Bailey's, blast some Christmas jams, and get wrapping.

Simple pleasures.

Holy Shit-On-A-Stick ... Life is Hard

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 21:56:00 +0000

I've been trying to keep things positive, and for the most part I've been okay with the day to days lately. No real depression, no crying jags, but I've been having this entirely unavoidable unease lately. What is coming? I can't imagine anything worse than the horrors of the last couple months. Those haunting images that creep up unannounced and make me want to sit in a corner and bang my head on the wall, either to knock them to some other place, or to knock myself there. My heart still aches daily with grief and regret.

I have been keeping up on the letters, and probably this coming week I'll post them all in a row. Has it been three months already? There they sit, a reminder that I don't want to mix my pride and joy with the ugliness of the world. I don't want to post about the beautiful girls I've been blessed with between eulogies, fearing that somehow the pain might seep into our bubble.

And on the homefront... I'm not even going to go there. Things are in the works. Marriage might be okay, but who knows? One day we're great, the next I can't figure out who fucked it up. I want normalcy. I don't need anything exciting or new experiences. I just want my life on a level line. I'm sick of the undulations, the waves of euphoria crashing into anxiety and depression. I don't feel like my body can handle the altitude changes, as this viral infection has shown me. I'm breaking down, and at the same time I still feel like I'm building it all up. Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Everything around me crashes down, and I feel as solid as ever. Confused... shocked... powerful... where is this taking me?

Once Again

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Wed, 12 Aug 2009 22:13:00 +0000

I looked at her cheeky smile, and two beats passed before I smiled back. There is something wrong. I should be okay right now, things are going well, but I don't feel anything but rage. I'm avoiding people, seeking out friends who don't know me, putting the girls to sleep early so I can sit by myself in the dark.

Things are going well though, why can't I go along well too?

I'm scared it's coming back.

My persona, like the downstairs of my house, is relatively clutter free, clean swept, organized, functional and inviting. My upstairs, in the hidden parts, it's a quietly raging storm of dark thoughts, disorganized obsessions, guilt, fear, sadness, all melding together and obstructing any positivity in my life right now.

It's definitely coming back, and I have to stop it before it ruins my life, traumatizes my kids, breaks my marriage. Fuck, I don't want to deal with this. I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I'm so tired.

RIP Miss Danielle Keller

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 22:49:00 +0000

It hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss you so much. I knew you such a short time, but you revived my trust in people and showed me that even when everything is falling down around you, there are still things in life meant to be savored. Dani, the first time I met you I wanted to protect you. You were by no means naive, and yet you wanted to believe that people were fundamentally good, and you made me believe for a while too. At that Rummage Sale you opened your heart to my kids, and you became Taryn's favorite person in an instant. She would ask every day when we were going to see you guys again, when she could give Miss Dani and hug, and when Sam could come play with her.

Now you are gone and there is this hugs gaping hole in my life. Who am I going to text funny stories about the girls late into the night to? Who is going to sit with me at Miwork Park while we get eaten alive by mosquitoes and plot your reemergence on the dating scene? Who else orders an Arnold Palmer at Peet's and always remembers to bring a snack for Taryn? And now who am I going to sit at Finnegan's with to have a drink after a rough day? You used to fill my afternoons at work when I had nothing to do and we'd message each other every random, crazy, funny, and oftentimes serious thing that had happened in the few hours since we last talked. You have been a part of my life almost every day since we met 6 months ago, and I will never forget you.

I am absolutely devastated that your beautiful life was cut short by a maniac. I have not stopped thanking God for protecting Sam, but I wish you didn't have to lose your life trying to protect her as well. I am trying to channel you, trying to take the high road and hope that he gets the help he needs, and that the justice system will prevail, but I want revenge. You told me he was going to do this one day, and I shrugged it off as Crazy Dani being melodramatic again. I would give so much to have been able to do something to alter the last 24 hours, but deep down I know I wouldn't have been able to save you and despite what you wanted to believe, there is something fundamentally wrong with that man.

Sweets, I am always going to remember your big, sunny smile, and those perfect teeth that you filed down by yourself. Siting in the jump house after Taryn's birthday and bouncing all the kids around after her party. The many days spent at different parks in Novato, the hours of conversations we had, the thousands of texts and IMs sent. You were one of the few people who 'got' me, who understood my humor, and appreciated that my kids mean the world to me. We were supposed to be NMC board members together, and now I have to serve alone.

Dani, you were destined to do great things. Even if the only job you ever had again was working outside on a hot afternoon trying to put gloopy makeup on fair goers, you would have always done it with a smile and a dash of snark. I promise to do what I can to help your family through this, to make sure Sam ends up in a good place, and to spend time with her. She is blessed to have such a loving, devoted, responsible mother for the short time that she did. Thanks for the good times, Whole Foods, I'm going to miss you.

In Memory

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 17:26:00 +0000

I'm supposed to be happy that she's in a better place, that she's not in pain anymore, that she gets to see her family gain, but I'm selfish. I want her back. I want Taryn to be able to run up and hold her frail hand, kiss her soft wrinkled cheek and tell her about all the fun things she did in school that day. I want to see her eyes light up the first time Zoraya walks or says her name. I want to bring her cookies at Christmas and spend lazy mornings sitting on her couch, taking with half a brain while I juggle the baby and try to keep Taryn from tipping over her wobbly coffee table. I want to see her year after year coming home late at night, far later than I can manage to stay up nowadays and still perky in the morning as she walks with her radio headphones on.

I want her back.

The last coherent thing she said was that I am a wonderful mother, that my girls are beautiful and thanked me for taking such good care of them. I can't believe she's gone. I don't know how many mornings it's going to take before my first thought on walking out the door will not be to make sure we bring her paper.

Rest in Peace Ms. Eva Slott. You are loved and will be missed dearly.

Month Six

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 29 May 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Chunko, I have been unintentionally consuming entirley too much of my own breastmilk this month. While I love the fact that you are eating solids, I'm in the habit now of finishing your sister's food and that has translated to me eating your mashed fruits and veggies after breakfast and dinner so that nothing, not a teaspoon, gets wasted. And since I've been mixing your food with breastmilk and rice cereal to up the calorie content (and hope you sleep longer) that means.... I keep ingesting my own milk. When you think about it, it's a little weird, like a cow sucking her own teat. Yum.

But you are loving the food. I think your favorite cereal is probably barley though we give you oatmeal for breakfast and mix the rice cereal with fruits and veggies. You ate the heck out of the watermelon but got really bad gas that night so we're going to wait a bit longer to give it to you again. The sweet potato was a hit, probably your favorite veggie so far and the peas were well received as well. People think I'm crazy when I tell them that you are eating 8-10 tablespoons of food a day, plus 20 oz pumped milk and nurisng at least 4-5 times, but you are and you do and you are a happy little thing.

And you are sleeping so well now from about 8p-7:30a only waking up once around 2:30 to nurse. It's working well with me being back at work because you sleep late enough for Papa to take a shower then Taryn plays with you until it's time to eat. You have been doing okay at daycare, not sleeping as much as I'd like but we just put you to bed a bit earlier and hope the next day you'll nap really, really well so we can keep you up later to play. I miss you guys so much but you are both having so much fun that I console myself with the fact that although this separation is heart wrneching for me, you don't seem to be suffering any adverse affects and I know the socialization will benefit you in the long run.

So this month my wish for you is that you always feel loved and never neglected, even though your Papa and I both have to work. I hope that the relationships that you build at daycare will last a long time and that you will have a solid foundation to function in the world, and always know that your Papa and I adore you, and that even when we aren't there with you, we are always thinking about you guys. Like I told Taryn the other day, every time I blink, I'm thinking of my girls.

If there is one thing we need to work on, it's the hair pulling. When your sister was a baby, I always wore my hair in a ponytail and out of her reach, but I started wearing my hair down curly (which I hadn't done in years) and I know its tempting but you got to stop trying to eat it! Aside from the fact that it hurts, I'm sure my conditioner doesn't taste too good. And when we are all sitting reading a book, you are already making Taryn cry by yanking on her hair. I know you aren't trying to hurt her and I actually think its sort of cute when she's trying to get your hand out of her hair and you've got a white-knuckle grip on it (and your hands are almost the same size...wow) but I feel bad for her so I have to help. Let's just try to nip that one in the bud, okay?

I can't believe I almost forgot the swimming! I've taken you out a couple times and you love the water, splashing your hands around, kicking like the frogger we used to call you, and sucking it up off the floaty thing we use, but after about 30-45 minutes I think you're just worn out and want a break. The first time I nursed you and you fell asleep under the towel for 30 minutes, then wanted to jump right back in when you woke up. And you sleep so well afterwards, probably from wearing yourself out and being out in the sun (though there is a shade on the floatie so no burns) so it's good for us all. Taryn likes swinging and pushing your floatie around, and best of all, you wear the same size swim diapers! You are wearing Taryn's bathing suit from when she was 12 months old, and I'm dying to see how big you've grown at your appointment next week. I'm sure you're pretty high in the percentages, but still perfectly proportionate.

Baby, I love you. Thank you for making me smile all day, every day.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Five

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Thu, 21 May 2009 04:38:00 +0000

Well Sugarpie, we're almost there! (This first line was written on the 20th. Now, a few days later when I have time to finish this blog, things have changed...drastically).

Sweet Angelbaby, last night you pooped on the potty. The week before I went back to work after your sister was born, you woke up one morning and said "Mama, I need to go pee." Two days later you were able to stay dry in your pull ups all day long (except while you were sleeping) and aside from the predictable poop that came every time you went down for a nap you were doing a fantastic, quick job of potty training. Even at the park you would run up to me and tell me you needed to go potty, and you held it while I wrangled you, me and your sister in the dingly metal stall, jumping over puddles on unknown liquid on the floor, and somehow trying to get us all out of there just as clean and when we went in.

I had joked for the last 8 or so months that you would be in diapers until you were 10 because you showed absolutely no interest at all in potty training. People told me how hard it would be to have 2 kids in diapers, but I'll tell you, it was a lot easier to let you pee in your diaper, than it is now trying to get you up on a toilet while I balance your sister on one hip, and wiping? All I can say is I'm glad I haven't dropped you on your face yet because it is a feat of physics to do it one-handed in a public restroom. But kid, you are such a champ. Aside from the half-pee you do to get candy more often (pee a little, then pee again 10 minutes later) I am amazed at how quickly the process was, and now that you are pooping in the potty too, words cannot describe how proud of you I am. You sticker calendar to record how many times you went potty each day is completely full, and I'm thinking by your birthday you'll be in undies full-time if you want to be.

I did go back to work this month, but you have taken to daycare like a frog to water. The first day I went to pick you up, you started crying that you wanted to stay and play longer. It makes me so happy to see you having so much fun, you napped with no problem, and are generally thriving and content there. The only complaint I have is that I haven't gotten any artwork to bring home, but I can discuss that with your caretakers later. :)

My wish for you this month, Darling, is that you continue to adapt so fluidly to the changes that will be thrown at you in life. I know it was hard to have me home for 6 months then suddenly I'm back at work and you are being bounced around to different places each day of the week. And although I am happy that you are with family 5 days per week, I think putting you in daycare has shown me that you are much more adaptable now than you were as a baby, and I hope that adaptability sticks with you, as it will be vital later in life.

Before I sign off, I want to tell you that your Papa bought me a digital picture frame for Mother's Day this year. It was supposed to be for work, but is absolutely enormous, so I think we're going to keep it at home. I brought it upstairs so that I could download the photos to it, and the box is sitting outside my bedroom door. Every time you notice the box, you run to me and say 'Happy Mother's Day.' Thank you for being your wonderful self.

I love you Baby,

Mama.

Month Five

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sun, 03 May 2009 03:33:00 +0000

My Darling girl. I don't know what to say except you are becoming such a lovely little baby to be around. Our days are filled with giggles and belly laughs, you grabbing for the dogs' ears and doubling over in laughter when they lick your nose. Taryn is, of course, the person who makes you laugh the easiest, but really anything out of the ordinary may elicit your one dimpled grin.

We haven't seen any teeth yet but you're chewing on everything like a mad woman, so I know it's coming soon. My shoulder is still a favorite, but you also enjoy your thumb a lot, though when you chew on it your finger goes up your nose or digs in your eye, so it usually doesn't last very long. We have a fabric book attached to your carseat and you chew on that while we are driving. Speaking of which, the screaming has mostly ended in the car. You are usually okay unless you're overtired, and even then it just takes a couple minutes for you to fall asleep once the car is moving. Taryn has been on tears a few times because you were crying and her arms are not long enough to reach you in the car, but then you always passed out so we could start singing again.

You don't take a binkie anymore, and I'm not really sure what changed. I wonder if it will make a comeback when you are in daycare (starting next week, I am so bummed out that I have to leave you guys to go back to work, but the economy is crap and we can't risk me being a stay-at-home mom, and your Papa losing his job). So I have 2 weeks left with you and your sister, but you will be starting early to hopefully make the adjustment a little bit easier (for me, I'm sure) but you two are such amazing, happy, well-adjusted kids that I really don't forsee any problems. And if there are, maybe it will be motivation for me to stay home. I'm glad we decided to put you two in the same center, that way you'll be together all day long and Taryn will be able to look out for me and report back if you are crying too much or anything crazy happens. I'm actually really excited to have you guys stay with Nana for a day as well, so that you will grow up seeing her around on a more regular basis, and your Papa will be home one day as well, so maybe one day he'll understand that it is a full-time job watching you two.

Sweetheart, I know I made this same with for Taryn at the same point in time, but I hope against all hopes that you have the choice to go back to work if you decide to have kids. It's absolutely heart-wrenching to be forced to leave you guys with a stranger, and though your sister made it out fine so far I abhor the fact that I just don't have a choice. I'm grateful that my schedule will allow me to be home with you guys 3 full days each week, and you'll be with family the other half of the time, but I want you all to myself. I know that I am the best person to raise you, and I worry how jumping from person to person will affect your bonding abilities, but I also know the socialization will be great for you and that in the long run I'll benefit from being back at work as well. Just know that I always tried to do what was best for us as a family, that I love you, and I am so grateful I was able to stay with you for so long.

So you're rolling both ways now and I really have to watch you carefully to make sure that you don't roll right off the mat in the living room. We've been looking for another car seat for you since you weigh close to 16.5 lbs and are probably 26 inches tall already. Not only is it crazy hard to carry you in the infant seat, I'm thinking safety-wise you could benefit from a bigger one as well. So soon we'll be back in the Mazda (yay!) and you and your sister should be a little further away from each other so she can't take all your toys while I'm driving (because yours really are much cooler than hers) and we'll be making beach runs and going to the museum, and if you keep sleeping like a champ I'll even take you guys to the aquarium this Summer.

The best part of this past month though has been you in the walker, scooting around the house, and even coming when we call for you. You love it and can mostly go forward, though when you get really excited you always go backwards. You've also been spending a lot of time in the jumperoo, mostly so that I can eat or wrap presents when you aren't in the mood to lay on the mat with your sister. And you just jump away, squealing with delight, smacking the buttons to see the light show and when we talk with you, or you see the dogs walk by you start jumping even harder. You haven't fallen asleep yet (like your sister did a few times) but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you do, and we'll make sure to get pictures to bribe you with when you are a teenager.

Honey, I am so excited that you are here. I waited so long to see you, then even longer to see your wonderful chipper personality emerge. Life feels perfect now that you are in it with us, and I look forward to every single day that I get to see your adorable face. I am so excited for the future that we will spend together, and I know that you and your sister will have a bond that will last forever.

I love you Angelbaby.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Four

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 03:40:00 +0000

Holy Smokes Batman, you are just about 3 years old! When people ask me now how old you are, I'm stumbling between 'two' and 'almost three.' It's not that I want you to be older any sooner, but to say two when you can hold a conversation with an adult, or kid, or dog, flower, computer screen.... it just doesn't do the extent of your development justice. But you aren't three yet, and I want to savor this beautiful time when I am still the center of your world.

When Papa wakes you up in the morning, you two go downstairs and exercise. He bought some video that he wants to get fit to, and since you two are up an hour earlier than the baby and I (for now) it's wonderful to see you two spending time together. And it's nice to sleep in too. I just bought a tumbling mat too, and you are having a great time exercising on it, jumping from color block to color block, and tomorrow, I'm sure, you'll realize you can do your gymnastics rolls on it, and I'll have to move your sister out of the way so you can stretch your gangly little limbs out.

Since I am going back to work in less than a month, we've been looking at a lot of day cares for you and your sister. I'm satisfied with the arrangement of your Nana, Papa and I each having you guys for a day each week, and you having two days away. It's going to break my heart to see someone else spending so much time with you, but I know you will thrive with the social interactions with your peers (and hopefully start on the potty training as well) and you two will be together. Plus, I'll still be able to see you guys at lunch each day, at least for a while. It is so hard to feel like I have no choice-again-but to go back to work. So my wish for you is that you have a choice to work or stay home if you decide to have children. Some people love their careers, some people love their lifestyles, I just wish I could work part-time and be home as much as possible while you two are young, but I know God has a plan and this is what is supposed to happen right now.

You and Jackson had a fun day riding horses a couple weeks back and whenever I mention him or Ms Ally, you go off on this tangent about the horses and the pig and everything we did that day and I'm realizing more and more it's the little things with you. Some kids may want a huge production, but you just want something different from everyday life. I promise that when your sister is a bit bigger, we're going to go on all those adventures I dreamed about when I was pregnant with you. We're going to travel, and go on road trips, and camping and fishing and see the snow. I promise to introduce you to every new type of food I can imagine and take you to Mexico to eat real tortas, and to New York so I can see it for the first time with you. We'll gaze at the Grand Canyon, hike through Yosemite, and search for bears at Yellow Stone. I promise that no matter what else happens in life I will always be there for you. I will never leave you, I will always be your biggest fan, and I will go to the ends of the universe and back, or just flag down the ice cream truck on a sweltering summer day, all just to see your smile.

I love you Angel,
Mama (Mom)

Month Four

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 02:19:00 +0000

Chunko, a few days ago I had the option of either putting together your brand spanking new crib or writing your letter on time. Obviously, I chose the crib. My bedroom is still torn apart because I haven't had the opportunity to put everything back after rearranging my life (it feels) to give you your own space, but it has been wonderful having you so close, yet not having to worry about rolling over and smooshing you. I hate to say it, but the only reason you got a new crib was that the used one we had bought for your sister was recalled, and I got sick of the 'natural' wood color of all the furniture in the room and went for white instead. We'll see if it stays white... we're planning to have you and Taryn share a full sized bed for a while after you grow out of the crib, and your bed is convertible so you'll be in it for a while.

You still don't sleep long by yourself, but I'm finally able to lay you down in the crib, turn on the vibrate and pat your tummy for a few minutes until you fall asleep. We've been looking at daycare places for you two this past week, and hopefully you'll be able to sleep better there than you do here. If not, at least I hope we don't have to pay extra. I'm so bummed to have to leave you guys, but I have no choice. The economy is crap (I'm sure you'll learn just how bad it got when you get to high school) and we can't risk me staying home and Papa losing his job at the bank. But, you'll have it better in some ways than your sister, since Nana will watch you one day, Papa will have you one day and I'll be home one day each week.

So Chunko, the mantra in the house right now is 'Roll Chunko, Roll!" You rolled for the first time a few weeks ago, but only back to front. When we do tummy time you can totally lift up your head, but most of the time you just lay it down and watch what is going on in the room. And even though you've been laughing for a few months now, your belly laugh now is the greatest. People stop and look when we are out in public and you start your laughing, then can't believe such a small baby laughs so heartily. Your 4-month appointment is on Monday, but we're guessing you're probably close to 15lbs and 26 inches which is bigger than your sister, but not by a whole lot, although you seem like a much bigger child.

We've met a lot of other moms with kids your age, and you are by far the loudest, most talking-est one of all, and my wish for you this month is that you stay a social and engaging person throughout your life. I've struggled with shyness that destroyed my sense or self in a way it's hard to explain and I just hope you never have to. And your sister.... she used to be scared of a fly's shadow but now will strike up a conversation with any person on the street she sees. I see you so far ahead of us both, and hope you stay there in terms of comfort in your own skin.

Well my Love, Papa just got you out of the bath, so it's time for milk, swaddle and sweet, deep sleep. I love you my Angel, I love you so much more than I imagined was possible, and I will keep loving you more and more each day until if feels like my heart will explode... then I'll just keep in loving.

I love you,
Mama

Spoke Too Soon

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sun, 22 Mar 2009 05:00:00 +0000

This morning:

Me: Dang! Zoraya's diaper leaked on the bed.

Boogie: Fucking baby.

I guess she did pick it up. Though I have to admit, I never said 'fucking baby' in front of her. I dropped the F-bomb in a conversation about two balloons that I received while in the hospital with Gorilita that I'm dying to get rid of, but am too attached to. I said the 'f-ing balloons' and she repeated 'f-ing bombs' for some reason, but hadn't said it since. Ooops.

Month Thirty-Three

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sat, 21 Mar 2009 04:30:00 +0000

Hello Darling Girl,

You're just a trimester short of your third birthday, but you are acting like you're four times as old. I think you may have even rolled you eyes at me the other day, but I can't be sure. You've taken to responding to every question with "huh?" Which Granny says you get from your Papa, and even your facial expression mimics him when you say it. Irritating? Yes. But irresistibly cute as well. We were driving up to Petaluma for your Tia Elba's birthday last week and you started talking about getting married for some reason. You told Papa and I you wanted to marry him, and he couldn't be my husband anymore. I have no idea where it came from, maybe because I call him 'husband' when I am angry, so I asked you again today who you wanted to marry, and you said Jack-Jack. You also asked if you could marry him today and said how fun it would be.

By far the most interesting thing that happened this month was you starting preschool. You are such a champ. No tears or prolonged goodbyes. You are so into other kids, and your teachers say that you share very well, something a lot of the other kids don't do yet. Every time we leave the house to go, you are so excited, talking about seeing your new friends and saying hi to your teachers, and when I go back to pick you up you are always so chipper, telling me about your art project for the day and the new toys you played with and singing the songs (with hand motions) that I don't know but love hearing you sing. My wish for you this month Angel, is that you continue to thrive in school and love learning as much as I do. I can totally see this is one of your elements, and I think we picked a perfect time to start you. I know you will do awesomely learning and exploring and creating, and I hope you never lose the wonder you feel now at new educational experiences.

We haven't done much in the way of going places. The weather has been shockingly beautiful this month, very little rain and 75 degrees in March is not something to be wasted, so we've been going on lots of walks and spending lots of time at the park. One of the things that continues to amaze me about you is that you are so sensitive, but so low-key. When I tell you it's time to leave the park without any notice and your sister is screaming on my shoulder, you are so compliant, never throwing a fit or begging to stay.

And most days the three of us end up in the rocking chair together while I am trying to get you to sleep, and you are just so understanding of your sister. Even today she grabbed a handful of your hair and yanked it, and you calmly asked me to take her hand off your head, then you looked at it. And when you saw she had pulled out a piece of your hair, you unwound it from her fat little finger and put it back on the top of your head. :)

You are only 2, but when people hear you talk they always ask if you are older. You have actual conversations with people, and it is getting much easier to understand you because your vocabulary is continuing to expand at a crazy-fast rate. And em, you're repeated a few swear words I said, but only that one time. I'm sure you'll bust them out at the most inopportune time (and use them appropriately to boot) but for now I'll trick myself into thinking you forgot them. You and I talk all day long, about nature and people and cars and buildings, read stories and talk about what's happening on the pages, and we've even had conversations about God. You are simply amazing.

And as I say every month and think to myself a hundred times per day, you are such as special kid, I am so blessed to have you in my life. And I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Love,
Mama

First Week of Preschool

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 05:31:00 +0000

Boogie is a real preschooler now! She started this week and went two days, and loved it. I was worried at first that she would be super shy and not talk to anyone, but the first day we showed up I only hung around for about 5 minutes, and she was fine. She was the only girl playing cars with the boys, ans when I came back to pick her up, the teacher's assistant told me that she didn't shed a tear, and was holding her own against a bigger buy who was trying to take her toys away from her. She even painted me a picture!

Today was her second day, and when I dropped her off the TA said she was so impressed by how confident Boogie is, that some kids that have been in the preschool since the Fall still barely talk to the other kids and cry when their parents leave. I had to do a double take to make sure she was talking about my Boogie. I am so happy that she is thriving and loving it. She is non-stop chatter in the car talking about her new friends and playing with the toys. She made a necklace today but ended up eating all the Cheerios off it before I could see. Typical Taryn.

Anyway, I'm so excited to see her thrive in yet another situation. And I sort of dig the two hours I got to spend alone this week, drinking a coffee, listening to my ipod and reading a book.

Month Three

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Mon, 02 Mar 2009 05:27:00 +0000

Hey Babydoll,

We've hit the end of the first quarter, and I just have to say, I'm not late because if February had enough days, today would be the 29th. I have a feeling I'll be pointing that out every year.

You have blossomed into such a charming young thing this month. You were already smiling when we went into it, but now you'll smile at perfect strangers and people just can't get enough of your dimple and your laugh. It still sort of sounds like you are coughing, but you'll also blow raspberries while you're smiling, or blow spit-bubbles while you do the goo-goo thing. Your favorite person is Boogie, or course, and just seeing her across the room makes your face light up. But you are also fascinated by the fan, and staring at it (and stopping crying to stare harder) must be a trick you picked up from Jaden.

Oh, but the raspberries are so cute, and you do it when you are falling asleep too, and start blowing spit bubbles when you get too tired, so that no matter where we put you, there is a drool spot on your jammies right under your neck. Actually, you drool a lot more than I expected. I asked the doc if you could be teething, but he said no, so I guess you just salivate a lot. When we hold you with your belly on our forearms, the little crook on the inside of our elbows always end up dripping wet.

Okay, so you aren't a huge fan of tummy-time, and it's probably my fault because we don't do it much. I'd rather put you propped up on the boppy pillow in front of a mirror so that you blow raspberries to that cute stranger who is staring at you. You can already bear weight on your legs, and I'm terrified you'll be walking before your sister. Even 11 months was not long enough for her to take a first step, and I'm sure she'll be right there egging you on to start even earlier. But you can stand when we hold your hands, you can hold you head up and steady, and you can do little baby push-ups, though sometimes I think your head weighs too much because your legs kick around in the air when you do it, like you're trying to get some traction but your body is an off-balance see-saw.

We've been out and about more, and you're actually starting to not hate the car so much. For a while there you just screamed the whole time you were in your car seat, but now I have a good 10 minutes before you start, and you fall asleep pretty quickly. I think developmentally you're getting used to this big, cold, loud world, because you're taking a binkie too, and your sleep is getting much more regular. You are a very even-tempered child, easy to figure out what's wrong most of the time, and the only time you get super-agitated is when you want to sleep, and I've figured out that for the most part either popping you in the sling or taking you outside will knock you out.

Sleep has been wonderful for us both lately, your 5-6 hour stretch makes me the happiest mom on the block, and you wake up ready to play. My wish for you this month Sweetpea, is that you keep the knowledge of what recharges you, whether its being out in nature or listening to music, and you make sure that you always take time for yourself no matter what. I'm still learning the long, hard lesson that I can't take care of anyone unless I'm taking care of myself first, and I hope you can sidestep the suffering it took me to learn that, and be a self-care pro.

I don't even want to sit up here writing this, because I know you are downstairs waiting for me, so I'll end for now and just remind you that I am so blessed to have you in my life.

I love you,
Mama

Month Thirty-Two

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 05:47:00 +0000

Hey Baby-doll,

This is the first time in months I've gotten your letter started on time, woot! I almost didn't because I need to get this adorable picture of you up on this blog. You've been big into picking out your own clothes lately, and you have a very developed sense of style. I don't know if it's because I always wear layer, or because it's cold outside and sweaters just aren't as cute, but you have been layering tees, tank tops and turtlenecks, and it freaking matches! Who would have thought that a rainbow striped tee, green shirt and gray tank would look good together? Anyway, tonight you wanted to put your own pjs on, and when I went into Granny;s room to get you to read books and go to sleep, you had put on one of Baby Z's pants, your pj top and your sister's beanie as well. You looked like one of those little boys from the 1920's with the short pants on, but it was so cute.

You've also been attached at the hip to Elmo for a while now, as attached as you are to anything, really. Which only means that although you prefer to sleep with him, and have him in the bathroom each night, you'll take a replacement Elmo when we can't find the big one, and you are perfectly content with him sitting on the laundry basket, rather than being in the bath with you. You asked to have him swaddled every night before bed, and I did for a while until you woke up two nights in a row crying that you couldn't get the swaddle tight again. So I told you Elmo was sick and didn't want a swaddle, he wanted to snuggle under the blankets with you, and you accepted that with no question.

I think Elmo has been great for you this month, because you're treating him like your child, and the slight jealously you'd shown about your sister is absolutely gone. Now when I sit on the couch to nurse her, you will sit in your rocker to nurse him. You put diapers on him, and change him over and over, exclaiming (like Mama) about how much poop or pee he's got. And though I shouldn't admit it, I use Elmo to distract you about 10 times per day. When you are under my feet while I'm making breakfast, I'll tell you that Elmo is crying for his mommy and send you out to find a toy to play with him. Or when you are stalling getting your shoes on to leave the house, Elmo is usually all ready to go and waiting just for you. You're adorable, because whatever Elmo wants, Elmo gets. :)

This month has been crazy busy for us. Granny is here, has been here for about 3 weeks, and you follow her like a shadow all day long. When she comes down in the morning, you tell her 'Good Morning everybody' and she is the last person you kiss at night. She was the one who helped you make your first batch of Valentine sugar cookies with sprinkles and showed you how to cut out the shapes with cookie cutters. After your bath while Papa and I are calming the baby so I can read your books and put you to sleep, you sneak into Granny's room and get under the covers with her, watching TV until I am ready for you. And though you didn't want to be alone with her at first, now when I need to run to the store quickly, you are perfectly content to stay home with her and your sister. Granny has been amazing to have here, she's taken care of so much cooking and cleaning that I've really been able to spend a lot of time with you, and I know I am less stressed and better able to respond to your 'terrible twos' that if I was doing this all by myself.

My wish for you this month is that you learn patience by example, and the vital fact that you will lose it sometimes, and you will have to apologize. There is very little you cannot fix by saying you are sorry-and meaning it-and it is okay to express your anger and frustration as long as it is not meant to hurt anyone and done in a constructive manner. And by all means ask for help when you need it. I'm still working on that one.

Next week you start gymnastics again, which I know you will love, and the week after you will be in preschool, so next month's letter should be packed and quite easy to write. Sweetpea, you continue to amaze me by how much you are blossoming and becoming such a fun, cool kid. You've had so many play dates this month, and when I ask who your friends are you list all you buddies, their sibling, and their parents. Never one to discriminate, you also want them all at out house, all together, all the time. And you want to make them cookies. Every day.

I love you,
Mama

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Tue, 17 Feb 2009 14:29:00 +0000

It's 6:30am, and I just woke up from a nice 8 hour sleep. And no, P was not up with the baby last night. She actually slept 8 hours on her own, and may have slept longer if I hadn't of freaked out this morning when I realized what time it was and woke her up. Ooops.

Also, Gorilita has been taking her binkie for the past couple days, so hope is on the way.

Last but not least, I started her baby book as well! I haven't started Boogie's yet, and really all I did was put her hand and foot prints in, and tape her picture from right after she was born, but it's a start.

Got Your Nose

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 05:37:00 +0000

Oy, my apologies to anyone who cares. It's been a few weeks and nary a peep from this blog. Not that life has been slow, but my only opportunity to blog is when Boogie and Gorilita are both asleep (which coincides with my nap as well... which hasn't happened in a few days) and that short period of time between when I put Boogie to sleep for the night, and when P realizes I'm not longer occupied and brings me Gorilita.

Which is now.

So quick like, I wanted to say that the game "Got Your Nose" was a dismal failure in my house. I don't know what possessed me to steal Boogie's nose, I thought she would find it amusing and assumed she was way to smart to believe it, but... nope. I took her nose and put it in my pocket. I had a rolled up tissue in the pocket and told her to feel her nose, which she did, and proceeded to freak the f*ck out.

Seriously. She started screaming and writhing on the ground, wailing that she wanted her nose back, begging me to put it back on her face. So I took it out of my pocket and put it back on her face. The end?

No. She asked me to take it again and put it on the shelf. So I did.

And she freaked out again.

And of course later that night she asked me to take it again and got upset when I said no, but when I took her nose off again and put it under the blanket, she freaked yet again.

I'm so confused.

(And I can hear him coming up the stairs. Right on cue.)

Month Two

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 05:23:00 +0000

Happy Second Month Milestone Dimples!

You really do have the most adorable dimple on one cheek. You have one on the other side too, but it is just a tiny tease of a dimple. The one on the left side is big enough to stick a cookie in, and when you smile, and my goodness you are quick to smile, it just caves into your chunky round little cheeks. You've been smiling at Taryn for almost a month, and at me for about 3 weeks. Your whole face lights up, and you start cooing and giggling. Any rough days we've been through just disappear when you smile at me and I feel like the world is at our fingertips.

You've also started grabbing at toys, my hair, pretty much anything within reach, but have no interest in the dogs or the cat. Which is probably good, you all will have years together to torment each other. You have been an amazing sick patient, catching your first cold from Papa with sniffles, coughing and these little sneezes that remind me of the pet rats I had when I was a kid. Just a tiny little sound, but snot comes flying out your nose and promptly gets sucked back up. Ooops. But since you've been sick the past 3 days, you've transitioned back into your crib at night and for naps, and you're sleeping 3-4 hour stretches so I feel so energized in the morning and ready to tackle the task or entertaining you and your sister.

We've been lucky for the past week that Granny has been staying with us. Your Nana's mom is a wonderful person, and I hope she is around here long enough for you two to really spend some time together. She has been a God-send, cleaning the house so I can focus on spending time with you girls, and sharing her vast wealth of knowledge with your Papa and I. It is lovely to see you two together, and though you prefer for me over anyone else to soothe you, Granny has become quite good at walking you around the house to keep you occupied while I put your sister down for a nap or get ready for the day. You guys make each other smile, and with the past few years Granny has had, I think you are helping her to enjoy small pockets of life again. My wish for you this month is for me also, because I hope and pray that when you have kids I will be around to help you with them, and that your Nana will be here as well to spend time with any you choose to care for. It makes an incredible difference in life and love to have time to focus on what matters, instead of the monotonous daily chores to cross off the list.

Kid, I dropped you on your head yesterday. I've got a bruise on my butt the size of a plum, so I took most of the force, but as I was bouncing you on the exercise ball to help you sleep, it exploded and I crashed to the floor. I mostly caught you, but the momentum of the fall caused you to bounce off my lap and bump your head on the deflated rubber ball, and the hard floor beneath it. You're fine, though my hands were shaking I was so scared your collarbone snapped again or something, and you screamed bloody murder for about 30 minutes non-stop. I was pacing the block out in the sun, in my socks, trying to calm you down, and though you were inconsolable for that time, you showed no ill effects from the fall. Unlike my derriere. It was the first time your head hit the floor, but surely not your last.

All in all, it's been a mellow month. Yes, there are problems in the house, but I'm confident that you won't remember them, and I don't want to give them power by putting them out in the universe. I hope you know that no matter what happens to this family, you are loved, you will always be loved and treasured, and nothing will ever change that. You have my heart, Gorilita.

I love you.
Mama

And it all comes crashing down

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Fri, 23 Jan 2009 18:16:00 +0000

I had a feeling something was wrong, ever since last Friday I just knew things weren't okay. Now he comes clean, and I've been asked not to talk about it. So I ruminate. And I cry. And I try to figure out how things are going to play out, but I can't. I can't know. It's all on him. I can't influence this, I'm not in control. I don't know what to do anymore.

So the tears are dry, and all I can do is hope that he'll figure this out, stand by his side as he works through the shit storm he created, and pray that the girls and I will come through unscathed. All trust in him is gone. God, this is a fucked up thing to have to deal with when I already have 2 babies to care for. I had hopes for staying home with the girls, but can I give up my job now?

I am so hurt and disappointed. Please don't ask for details, just know that my life became so much harder today, and I'm trying to respect his wishes to deal with it himself. That may not last, but I have to give him a chance.

Month Thirty-One

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Thu, 22 Jan 2009 18:17:00 +0000

Boogie, the day you turned 31 months we rang in an historic moment with mimosas for me, Nana and Granny, and you had OJ in your sippy. We watched the inauguration of President Barak H. Obama, the first African American president of this country. On election night a few months back you sat on the couch with me enthralled by his acceptance speech, and once again I am thrilled to have shared this momentous occasion with you. We cheered, clinked glasses, and you periodically yelled "Obama!" while watching the TV with a huge smile on your face. I know you won't remember that day, but know that you were there, you watched it live, and you were just as juiced as the rest of the world.

Speaking of TV, I want you to thank your sister for one thing, if nothing else: she made you a normal kid. Before she was born, I was stringent with TV. Most days you didn't see it at all unless I was sick or too tired, and then it was educational videos, cartoons set to kids songs, or Jackson's birthday. Now, you're getting around 45 minutes a day, still educational but a lot of the same Dora the Explorer episodes as well (which you know all the words to) so that I can have time to cook dinner or deal with your crying sister without you feeling neglected. I'm not happy about it, but I realized yesterday that I'm trying to do too much, trying to do it all and do it perfectly, and you are suffering. So there you go. Zoraya loosened the cable strings and now you'll be able to discuss non-violent educational cartoons with your friends at school. Say thank you. :)

I'm glad we didn't sign you up for gymnastics this month. It's January, but it's been 70 degrees for weeks so we've been able to go to the park, and play outside, take a few walks, and enjoy the beautiful unseasonal weather. And today it's raining so I put a video on for you so I could write you letter.

You are going through a rough transition right now, from a toddler to a preschooler and attempting to assert your independence. I am trying to help you explore your autonomy while maintaining mt sanity, and it's a hard balancing act but I think we're doing okay. It's funny though because you pretty much refuse to do anything I ask unless it involves someone else. You'll put Papa's shoes away, but not your own. You'll bring me a diaper to change Zoraya, but not when I need to change yours. And you'll eat food off my and your Papa's plate, but not what's on your own. So okay, I'm hoping this phase ends soon, but it's still fascinating to watch you go through it. So this month, my wish for you is that you remain fiercely independent but still have a kind heart, that you assert yourself but not to infringe on or hurt others, that you know clearly what you want and you go after it, but don't beat anyone else down to get there. We've been trying to perfect this for generations, and I have high hopes that you will be the first to achieve that balance.

I haven't talked much about your stature recently, because you haven't been to the doctor in months. You're getting tall, about 34 inches but are still a beanpole at a touch over 25 lbs. Girth-wise, you still fit into 18-24 month clothes and a size 4 diaper, but height-wise you're pushing up into 3T. And you are still one of the most stunning children I have ever seen. Everywhere we go people are commenting that you are so beautiful, and I'm trying to teach you to respond "Thank you, I'm smart too" so that you will learn that looks are not everything, but I have to be honest that you are absolutely gorgeous... and you know it.

You've also been a dancing queen again, stripping off all your clothes, turning on the radio and shaking your scrawny little butt to whatever comes on. I'm going to film you one day and hold it hostage to make sure I get into a nice retirment community.

I love you,
Mama

God, this is hard sometimes...

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Thu, 15 Jan 2009 16:51:00 +0000

Sometimes the days are so hard that I am in tears by the time P gets home. Yesterday I had a screaming infant and a toddler who melted into the floor in tears, begging me to pick her up instead of the baby. I'm still struggling to balance my time, to make Boogie feel loved and attended to, but also to make sure Gorilita's needs are met as well. Then mine. Mine are always last, but I knew that going into this parenting thing, and I'm okay with that. It's splitting time with the girls that is killing me.

Then there are other times, like this morning, where Boogie is so loving and attentive to her sister, playing with her and seeing Glorilita's huge smile when she sees her sister's face melts my heart and makes the rough patches totally worth it. Then I'm in tears anyway when P gets home, so happy that I decided to sacrifice once again so that these sisters will grow up close in age, and hopefully as friends.

I just have to remind myself when things are hard that it will pass, and soon they will be able to play together and making sure they both feel loved now is vital to their later development.

Effective Disciple?

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Wed, 07 Jan 2009 06:03:00 +0000

Boogie has been a bit out of control lately, steadily wading through her terrible twos, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is completely normal. And also not to laugh too much. Her favorite thing now is saying "I can't do it" when I ask her to clean up after herself or do something, like bring me a tissue.

The other day I asked her to pick up her blocks after she dumped them on the floor and walked away. It was time to take a nap and she was being defiant, sprawled across the bench of her table moaning like I had asked her to pick me up and carry me up the stairs.

"I can't Mom, I'm too tired."

So I told her I'd take them away if she didn't help me pick them up, and she says, "Okay, can I go to sleep now?"

As if that wasn't cute enough, the next morning we moved her kitchen and found a couple of the blocks that I had missed putting away the day before. She picks them up, walks over to me with her hand out and says "Put these away too, Mom."

And the Requisite Photos...

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:36:00 +0000

Zoraya's first hospital glamor shot.

Not too happy about her first bath.

Me and the girls in the hospital.

Taryn trying to figure out what she's supposed to do with this baby.

Holding her and watching TV, just like Papa.

One of the only times she slept in the car seat.

Stoked much?

In Taryn's bed. She turned bright red when she gets really mad.

Christmas out take.

Christmas baby.

Month One

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 01:07:00 +0000

My Dearest Frogger,

We made it a month! Not a huge feat as aside from the last week you have been a pretty easy-going baby, sleeping stretches far longer than I had ever encountered in the first half-year of life with your sister, and no problems at all nursing, unless constant boob-suction for hours every evening is a problem.

As I type this with three fingers, you are nestled in my left arm, snoring away. Yes, I could put you down and type, but if I do that two things could happen ... 1) You might wake up and then I'd have to wait for your Papa and sister to get back from the park, then dinner, baths, my shower, putting Boogie to sleep, and Papa bouncing you to sleep on the exercise ball before I could finish, or 2) You might start gagging on the snot from your first cold ever which is dripping down your throat, wake yourself up then [insert list above]. So it's you and me for a while.

Not much happened this month to be honest. You missed Thanksgiving by a couple of days, but we did have a nice family-filled Christmas. I'm going to be honest, you didn't get much, mostly token gifts that your sister opened for you anyway, and Mama opened you a savings account. I'm going to wait to put your money in your 529 school account until the economy gets a bit better, but we are already saving for you. It's funny writing this, because you are such a huge part of your sister's day, but she doesn't play much of a role in yours. Ah, but that will change, and soon, I think.

You fart a lot. I hope this doesn't embarrass you later, but you do. Like, all day long, and people holding you can always feel it. I have to reassure them you're just pooting away and not pooping, and thank goodness that has gotten under control too. Twice a day and not at night, yeah! You've spit up only a few times, and only when it's totally inconvenient for us, but such is life.

I'm curious to see what you and Tygir's relationship is like later. She's not too happy with the sleeping arrangements right now, you, me and her in the bed, Papa and the puppies in the guest room. Used to be her and I when I was pregnant with you, and though I know the crying bothers her (she'll wander around meowing while you scream, especially during baths... why don't you like them?) and to show us she's not happy, she's been peeing on your carseat and sling. Which is nasty, but even worse because it usually leaks onto a whole other mess of stuff, and cat pee is a nasty smell. So, we'll see. She didn't like Taryn crying either, but I don't remember her defiling her property. So my wish for you this month is that animals learn to love you. It makes life so much easier to be in tune with your furry friends, and I'm sure this setback is just temporary.

Two more things I need to tell you. We call you Gorilita. Sorry. You're pretty much huge compared to Taryn, I'm guessing you're around 11lbs already, and tall, and we used to call her monkey, but I notice in the hospital you more closely resemble a gorilla with your dark full head of hair and your intense dark eyes. Maybe it'll stick, maybe not, but your huge squishy cheeks and kind of hunched-over stance just add to the effect.

The other is more serious, and I'm sorry if this hurts you later. I need you to know that this is normal, that my mother felt the same way about me, and if you decide to have children, it will be normal for you as well. When you were first born, I was sort of indifferent about you. I loved you immediately, but didn't feel really bonded to you. I have been so in love with your sister for the past 2.5 years and couldn't really imagine loving another child as much as I adored her. It wasn't post-partum depression, but it took a couple weeks for me to really want to spend time with you. Part of it is the fact that infants literally poop, eat and sleep, there is very little interaction in the first couple weeks, and I was trying to make sure Taryn didn't feel jealous or angry about you being born. Part of it is that I half-expected you to be just like her, and part of it is probably just a natural part of a major change, adjusting to having a bigger family, not being pregnant, etc.

I can say now that I am totally into you though. I love snuggling with you, how you put your nose into the fold of my neck when I am carrying you, and how I catch you just watching me when you are in your sling. I love that you calm so easily in my arms, and one thing that I can't say about your sister is that I am actually enjoying having an infant. You are just so easy-going it's a pleasure to stay up with you for hours because you aren't crying, you're just awake, and we can read books or watch a movie or whatever. You are a baby that would *almost* make me want another one if I could guarantee a pain-free delivery, a good eater and sleeper, and an extra set of hands. I'm all about full disclosure here, so I want you to know that in the beginning, I didn't cry when I first saw you, I slept in the hospital instead of staying awake to watch you sleep, but now, a month into our new life, I couldn't imagine myself without you. I am so looking forward to seeing you grow and blossom, meeting your personality, figuring out your likes and dislikes, and mostly, seeing you interact with your sister.

Gorilita, I am so blessed that you chose me to be your Mama. And I am thankful every day that although we had a harder pregnancy than anticipated, a rough delivery, and your kidney problem, you are healthy and happy and growing. And you are mine.

I love you,
Mommy

Month Thirty

noreply@blogger.com (Aletta C) — Sat, 27 Dec 2008 05:30:00 +0000

My Beautiful Girl, you've made it to the second half of your second year, and though this has been a difficult month for all of us you have blossomed into quite the social butterfly.

I promise not to turn your monthly letters into a recap of your sister's life (she'll have her own letters for that) but since she was born this month, I should comment on how you are adjusting. At first, things were good. You were super attached to Zoraya, wanted to help with everything from changing diapers to swaddling to nursing, and at least 10 times per day you'd come to me and ask to hold her. Within the last few days though you've been acting out a bit, crying very easily and throwing tantrums (for most kids, they'd probably be small hissy-fits, but for you it's a full out puddle-on-the-floor tantrum). You also haven't been sleeping as well, waking up very early or very late, and crying when we leave you at night. I know it's hard, and I know we'll get through this. I constantly remind myself that you are only 2. In some ways you seem so much older, much more mature, but in others you are spot-on your age. This is on of them.

You are still very affectionate with your sister though, holding her and helping me to take care of her. Thankfully she sleeps through your noise, banging on the drum Papa bought you for Christmas (which you love, and had a great little jam session with your Popo the other day). I can't wait until she's old enough for you two to play together, and although I know the older you get, the more you'll fight, I also know you'll love her and protect her for the rest of your life.

As for blossoming though, for the past year you have been very shy even around family and people you see often and know. But these past few weeks you have warmed up incredibly fast, and now are playing within 20 minutes as opposed to 2 the 2 hours it used to take you. No exaggeration, you would cling to me for 2 full hours before you'd go play with the kids, and it would take 3-4 hours to interact with the adults. This past Friday you were playing with Popo and Grammy (whom you had never even met before) within about 30 minutes. I love it because people are drawn to you and you have so much fun with them, and I just love seeing the look of delight on both of your faces. So this month my wish for you is that you continue to light up people's lives simply by being your wonderful self.

We haven't been out much, though we are going to see Christmas lights tonight before they take them all down. We did go to a Christmas show and you had a ball watching the dancers and listening to music and learned how to do the chicken dance. The second half of the show was a little dark and we left early, and I think you had a nightmare about the clown, so I'm hoping that isn't something that stays with you forever.

And you've started calling me "Mom" and your Papa "Babe". Nice, huh? I know you are just mimicking what you hear, and it is cute, but I hope the habit doesn't stick. Not very cool when we're out in public and you tell to your Papa "Come over here, Babe!" People stare. Then laugh. Great.

Alright kid, I'm tired. You were up until 11:30pm last night and woke up this morning at 7am, so between that and your sister staying away and fussing until 3am, I need a nap. But I love you, and I promise things will get better. You won't even remember how hard this time is and will be for a while, and I promise that having a sister will eventually be a blessing, even though right now it may feel more like a curse to you. You will always be my angel.

I love you.
"Mom"