Embracing My Inner Weirdo

That Time of Year Again

2010-11-12T16:17:00.001-08:00

oh.em.gee.

It's been a year since I blogged. Over a year since I've been on here regularly. And surprise! A free deal brought me back.

Saw on another site you can get 50 free photo cards if you blog about Shutterfly. And I'm all about free (thanks Recession). Don't tell the higher-ups, but I've been doing Secret Shopper stuff on work time. Usually Friday afternoons when I'm bored stiff, drool hanging off my lip, my eyelid twitching from severe brainal atrophy...

SO!

I love the idea of folded personalized cards, but have never bought them because they are so dang expensive. Maybe this year? I also need at least 3 photos... my girls are so frickin' frackin' cute, I'll never be able to narrow them down to less than that. Maybe a teeny-tiny one of me and the Hubs?

Oooh, Sustainably Forested paper... nice! Iceing (not mandatory), of course.

And really? They'll stamp and mail them for me? This gets better (and more expensive) as we go.

I need more time to check these out... favorites posted soon.

I Need to Smell Some Pine Needles

2009-11-19T21:28:00.000-08:00

It's almost Thanksgiving, and considering the predicament I allowed myself to get in this holiday season, namely scheduling too many parties and hang-outs, and too little time with Hubs in the country, I decided that I want to decorate early, and to hell with the Jones'. Also, F the HOA. I do understand the 'uniformity' of the neighborhood, but I seriously doubt that Christmas lights are bringing down property prices. Anyway, can they go any lower??

Thinking of P being gone for so long.... it terrifies me. I feel the panic rising, but I know we'll be okay. No scary movies, murder mysteries or open windows at night. Good thing it's Winter here. And even better that Boogie is the best preschooler on the face of the earth. My kid is so amazing, I sometimes wonder if we accidentally brought an alien baby home from the hospital, and one day antennae will spring from her head.

I'm trying to keep very busy so she doesn't miss him too terribly. We bought cameras so we can Skype, and I suggested that he record a couple books in Spanish for her to listen to while I get the baby sleeping at night. Christmas shopping is almost done, out house is one big pile of UPS delivered boxes, and I can't wait to crack open the Bailey's, blast some Christmas jams, and get wrapping.

Simple pleasures.

Holy Shit-On-A-Stick ... Life is Hard

2009-09-20T14:56:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to keep things positive, and for the most part I've been okay with the day to days lately. No real depression, no crying jags, but I've been having this entirely unavoidable unease lately. What is coming? I can't imagine anything worse than the horrors of the last couple months. Those haunting images that creep up unannounced and make me want to sit in a corner and bang my head on the wall, either to knock them to some other place, or to knock myself there. My heart still aches daily with grief and regret.

I have been keeping up on the letters, and probably this coming week I'll post them all in a row. Has it been three months already? There they sit, a reminder that I don't want to mix my pride and joy with the ugliness of the world. I don't want to post about the beautiful girls I've been blessed with between eulogies, fearing that somehow the pain might seep into our bubble.

And on the homefront... I'm not even going to go there. Things are in the works. Marriage might be okay, but who knows? One day we're great, the next I can't figure out who fucked it up. I want normalcy. I don't need anything exciting or new experiences. I just want my life on a level line. I'm sick of the undulations, the waves of euphoria crashing into anxiety and depression. I don't feel like my body can handle the altitude changes, as this viral infection has shown me. I'm breaking down, and at the same time I still feel like I'm building it all up. Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Everything around me crashes down, and I feel as solid as ever. Confused... shocked... powerful... where is this taking me?

Once Again

2009-08-12T15:13:00.000-07:00

I looked at her cheeky smile, and two beats passed before I smiled back. There is something wrong. I should be okay right now, things are going well, but I don't feel anything but rage. I'm avoiding people, seeking out friends who don't know me, putting the girls to sleep early so I can sit by myself in the dark.

Things are going well though, why can't I go along well too?

I'm scared it's coming back.

My persona, like the downstairs of my house, is relatively clutter free, clean swept, organized, functional and inviting. My upstairs, in the hidden parts, it's a quietly raging storm of dark thoughts, disorganized obsessions, guilt, fear, sadness, all melding together and obstructing any positivity in my life right now.

It's definitely coming back, and I have to stop it before it ruins my life, traumatizes my kids, breaks my marriage. Fuck, I don't want to deal with this. I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I'm so tired.

RIP Miss Danielle Keller

2009-07-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

It hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss you so much. I knew you such a short time, but you revived my trust in people and showed me that even when everything is falling down around you, there are still things in life meant to be savored. Dani, the first time I met you I wanted to protect you. You were by no means naive, and yet you wanted to believe that people were fundamentally good, and you made me believe for a while too. At that Rummage Sale you opened your heart to my kids, and you became Taryn's favorite person in an instant. She would ask every day when we were going to see you guys again, when she could give Miss Dani and hug, and when Sam could come play with her.

Now you are gone and there is this hugs gaping hole in my life. Who am I going to text funny stories about the girls late into the night to? Who is going to sit with me at Miwork Park while we get eaten alive by mosquitoes and plot your reemergence on the dating scene? Who else orders an Arnold Palmer at Peet's and always remembers to bring a snack for Taryn? And now who am I going to sit at Finnegan's with to have a drink after a rough day? You used to fill my afternoons at work when I had nothing to do and we'd message each other every random, crazy, funny, and oftentimes serious thing that had happened in the few hours since we last talked. You have been a part of my life almost every day since we met 6 months ago, and I will never forget you.

I am absolutely devastated that your beautiful life was cut short by a maniac. I have not stopped thanking God for protecting Sam, but I wish you didn't have to lose your life trying to protect her as well. I am trying to channel you, trying to take the high road and hope that he gets the help he needs, and that the justice system will prevail, but I want revenge. You told me he was going to do this one day, and I shrugged it off as Crazy Dani being melodramatic again. I would give so much to have been able to do something to alter the last 24 hours, but deep down I know I wouldn't have been able to save you and despite what you wanted to believe, there is something fundamentally wrong with that man.

Sweets, I am always going to remember your big, sunny smile, and those perfect teeth that you filed down by yourself. Siting in the jump house after Taryn's birthday and bouncing all the kids around after her party. The many days spent at different parks in Novato, the hours of conversations we had, the thousands of texts and IMs sent. You were one of the few people who 'got' me, who understood my humor, and appreciated that my kids mean the world to me. We were supposed to be NMC board members together, and now I have to serve alone.

Dani, you were destined to do great things. Even if the only job you ever had again was working outside on a hot afternoon trying to put gloopy makeup on fair goers, you would have always done it with a smile and a dash of snark. I promise to do what I can to help your family through this, to make sure Sam ends up in a good place, and to spend time with her. She is blessed to have such a loving, devoted, responsible mother for the short time that she did. Thanks for the good times, Whole Foods, I'm going to miss you.

In Memory

2009-06-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be happy that she's in a better place, that she's not in pain anymore, that she gets to see her family gain, but I'm selfish. I want her back. I want Taryn to be able to run up and hold her frail hand, kiss her soft wrinkled cheek and tell her about all the fun things she did in school that day. I want to see her eyes light up the first time Zoraya walks or says her name. I want to bring her cookies at Christmas and spend lazy mornings sitting on her couch, taking with half a brain while I juggle the baby and try to keep Taryn from tipping over her wobbly coffee table. I want to see her year after year coming home late at night, far later than I can manage to stay up nowadays and still perky in the morning as she walks with her radio headphones on.

I want her back.

The last coherent thing she said was that I am a wonderful mother, that my girls are beautiful and thanked me for taking such good care of them. I can't believe she's gone. I don't know how many mornings it's going to take before my first thought on walking out the door will not be to make sure we bring her paper.

Rest in Peace Ms. Eva Slott. You are loved and will be missed dearly.

Month Six

2009-05-29T07:00:00.001-07:00

Chunko, I have been unintentionally consuming entirley too much of my own breastmilk this month. While I love the fact that you are eating solids, I'm in the habit now of finishing your sister's food and that has translated to me eating your mashed fruits and veggies after breakfast and dinner so that nothing, not a teaspoon, gets wasted. And since I've been mixing your food with breastmilk and rice cereal to up the calorie content (and hope you sleep longer) that means.... I keep ingesting my own milk. When you think about it, it's a little weird, like a cow sucking her own teat. Yum.

But you are loving the food. I think your favorite cereal is probably barley though we give you oatmeal for breakfast and mix the rice cereal with fruits and veggies. You ate the heck out of the watermelon but got really bad gas that night so we're going to wait a bit longer to give it to you again. The sweet potato was a hit, probably your favorite veggie so far and the peas were well received as well. People think I'm crazy when I tell them that you are eating 8-10 tablespoons of food a day, plus 20 oz pumped milk and nurisng at least 4-5 times, but you are and you do and you are a happy little thing.

And you are sleeping so well now from about 8p-7:30a only waking up once around 2:30 to nurse. It's working well with me being back at work because you sleep late enough for Papa to take a shower then Taryn plays with you until it's time to eat. You have been doing okay at daycare, not sleeping as much as I'd like but we just put you to bed a bit earlier and hope the next day you'll nap really, really well so we can keep you up later to play. I miss you guys so much but you are both having so much fun that I console myself with the fact that although this separation is heart wrneching for me, you don't seem to be suffering any adverse affects and I know the socialization will benefit you in the long run.

So this month my wish for you is that you always feel loved and never neglected, even though your Papa and I both have to work. I hope that the relationships that you build at daycare will last a long time and that you will have a solid foundation to function in the world, and always know that your Papa and I adore you, and that even when we aren't there with you, we are always thinking about you guys. Like I told Taryn the other day, every time I blink, I'm thinking of my girls.

If there is one thing we need to work on, it's the hair pulling. When your sister was a baby, I always wore my hair in a ponytail and out of her reach, but I started wearing my hair down curly (which I hadn't done in years) and I know its tempting but you got to stop trying to eat it! Aside from the fact that it hurts, I'm sure my conditioner doesn't taste too good. And when we are all sitting reading a book, you are already making Taryn cry by yanking on her hair. I know you aren't trying to hurt her and I actually think its sort of cute when she's trying to get your hand out of her hair and you've got a white-knuckle grip on it (and your hands are almost the same size...wow) but I feel bad for her so I have to help. Let's just try to nip that one in the bud, okay?

I can't believe I almost forgot the swimming! I've taken you out a couple times and you love the water, splashing your hands around, kicking like the frogger we used to call you, and sucking it up off the floaty thing we use, but after about 30-45 minutes I think you're just worn out and want a break. The first time I nursed you and you fell asleep under the towel for 30 minutes, then wanted to jump right back in when you woke up. And you sleep so well afterwards, probably from wearing yourself out and being out in the sun (though there is a shade on the floatie so no burns) so it's good for us all. Taryn likes swinging and pushing your floatie around, and best of all, you wear the same size swim diapers! You are wearing Taryn's bathing suit from when she was 12 months old, and I'm dying to see how big you've grown at your appointment next week. I'm sure you're pretty high in the percentages, but still perfectly proportionate.

Baby, I love you. Thank you for making me smile all day, every day.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Five

2009-05-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well Sugarpie, we're almost there! (This first line was written on the 20th. Now, a few days later when I have time to finish this blog, things have changed...drastically).

Sweet Angelbaby, last night you pooped on the potty. The week before I went back to work after your sister was born, you woke up one morning and said "Mama, I need to go pee." Two days later you were able to stay dry in your pull ups all day long (except while you were sleeping) and aside from the predictable poop that came every time you went down for a nap you were doing a fantastic, quick job of potty training. Even at the park you would run up to me and tell me you needed to go potty, and you held it while I wrangled you, me and your sister in the dingly metal stall, jumping over puddles on unknown liquid on the floor, and somehow trying to get us all out of there just as clean and when we went in.

I had joked for the last 8 or so months that you would be in diapers until you were 10 because you showed absolutely no interest at all in potty training. People told me how hard it would be to have 2 kids in diapers, but I'll tell you, it was a lot easier to let you pee in your diaper, than it is now trying to get you up on a toilet while I balance your sister on one hip, and wiping? All I can say is I'm glad I haven't dropped you on your face yet because it is a feat of physics to do it one-handed in a public restroom. But kid, you are such a champ. Aside from the half-pee you do to get candy more often (pee a little, then pee again 10 minutes later) I am amazed at how quickly the process was, and now that you are pooping in the potty too, words cannot describe how proud of you I am. You sticker calendar to record how many times you went potty each day is completely full, and I'm thinking by your birthday you'll be in undies full-time if you want to be.

I did go back to work this month, but you have taken to daycare like a frog to water. The first day I went to pick you up, you started crying that you wanted to stay and play longer. It makes me so happy to see you having so much fun, you napped with no problem, and are generally thriving and content there. The only complaint I have is that I haven't gotten any artwork to bring home, but I can discuss that with your caretakers later. :)

My wish for you this month, Darling, is that you continue to adapt so fluidly to the changes that will be thrown at you in life. I know it was hard to have me home for 6 months then suddenly I'm back at work and you are being bounced around to different places each day of the week. And although I am happy that you are with family 5 days per week, I think putting you in daycare has shown me that you are much more adaptable now than you were as a baby, and I hope that adaptability sticks with you, as it will be vital later in life.

Before I sign off, I want to tell you that your Papa bought me a digital picture frame for Mother's Day this year. It was supposed to be for work, but is absolutely enormous, so I think we're going to keep it at home. I brought it upstairs so that I could download the photos to it, and the box is sitting outside my bedroom door. Every time you notice the box, you run to me and say 'Happy Mother's Day.' Thank you for being your wonderful self.

I love you Baby,

Mama.

Month Five

2009-05-02T20:33:00.000-07:00

My Darling girl. I don't know what to say except you are becoming such a lovely little baby to be around. Our days are filled with giggles and belly laughs, you grabbing for the dogs' ears and doubling over in laughter when they lick your nose. Taryn is, of course, the person who makes you laugh the easiest, but really anything out of the ordinary may elicit your one dimpled grin.

We haven't seen any teeth yet but you're chewing on everything like a mad woman, so I know it's coming soon. My shoulder is still a favorite, but you also enjoy your thumb a lot, though when you chew on it your finger goes up your nose or digs in your eye, so it usually doesn't last very long. We have a fabric book attached to your carseat and you chew on that while we are driving. Speaking of which, the screaming has mostly ended in the car. You are usually okay unless you're overtired, and even then it just takes a couple minutes for you to fall asleep once the car is moving. Taryn has been on tears a few times because you were crying and her arms are not long enough to reach you in the car, but then you always passed out so we could start singing again.

You don't take a binkie anymore, and I'm not really sure what changed. I wonder if it will make a comeback when you are in daycare (starting next week, I am so bummed out that I have to leave you guys to go back to work, but the economy is crap and we can't risk me being a stay-at-home mom, and your Papa losing his job). So I have 2 weeks left with you and your sister, but you will be starting early to hopefully make the adjustment a little bit easier (for me, I'm sure) but you two are such amazing, happy, well-adjusted kids that I really don't forsee any problems. And if there are, maybe it will be motivation for me to stay home. I'm glad we decided to put you two in the same center, that way you'll be together all day long and Taryn will be able to look out for me and report back if you are crying too much or anything crazy happens. I'm actually really excited to have you guys stay with Nana for a day as well, so that you will grow up seeing her around on a more regular basis, and your Papa will be home one day as well, so maybe one day he'll understand that it is a full-time job watching you two.

Sweetheart, I know I made this same with for Taryn at the same point in time, but I hope against all hopes that you have the choice to go back to work if you decide to have kids. It's absolutely heart-wrenching to be forced to leave you guys with a stranger, and though your sister made it out fine so far I abhor the fact that I just don't have a choice. I'm grateful that my schedule will allow me to be home with you guys 3 full days each week, and you'll be with family the other half of the time, but I want you all to myself. I know that I am the best person to raise you, and I worry how jumping from person to person will affect your bonding abilities, but I also know the socialization will be great for you and that in the long run I'll benefit from being back at work as well. Just know that I always tried to do what was best for us as a family, that I love you, and I am so grateful I was able to stay with you for so long.

So you're rolling both ways now and I really have to watch you carefully to make sure that you don't roll right off the mat in the living room. We've been looking for another car seat for you since you weigh close to 16.5 lbs and are probably 26 inches tall already. Not only is it crazy hard to carry you in the infant seat, I'm thinking safety-wise you could benefit from a bigger one as well. So soon we'll be back in the Mazda (yay!) and you and your sister should be a little further away from each other so she can't take all your toys while I'm driving (because yours really are much cooler than hers) and we'll be making beach runs and going to the museum, and if you keep sleeping like a champ I'll even take you guys to the aquarium this Summer.

The best part of this past month though has been you in the walker, scooting around the house, and even coming when we call for you. You love it and can mostly go forward, though when you get really excited you always go backwards. You've also been spending a lot of time in the jumperoo, mostly so that I can eat or wrap presents when you aren't in the mood to lay on the mat with your sister. And you just jump away, squealing with delight, smacking the buttons to see the light show and when we talk with you, or you see the dogs walk by you start jumping even harder. You haven't fallen asleep yet (like your sister did a few times) but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you do, and we'll make sure to get pictures to bribe you with when you are a teenager.

Honey, I am so excited that you are here. I waited so long to see you, then even longer to see your wonderful chipper personality emerge. Life feels perfect now that you are in it with us, and I look forward to every single day that I get to see your adorable face. I am so excited for the future that we will spend together, and I know that you and your sister will have a bond that will last forever.

I love you Angelbaby.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Four

2009-04-20T20:40:00.001-07:00

Holy Smokes Batman, you are just about 3 years old! When people ask me now how old you are, I'm stumbling between 'two' and 'almost three.' It's not that I want you to be older any sooner, but to say two when you can hold a conversation with an adult, or kid, or dog, flower, computer screen.... it just doesn't do the extent of your development justice. But you aren't three yet, and I want to savor this beautiful time when I am still the center of your world.

When Papa wakes you up in the morning, you two go downstairs and exercise. He bought some video that he wants to get fit to, and since you two are up an hour earlier than the baby and I (for now) it's wonderful to see you two spending time together. And it's nice to sleep in too. I just bought a tumbling mat too, and you are having a great time exercising on it, jumping from color block to color block, and tomorrow, I'm sure, you'll realize you can do your gymnastics rolls on it, and I'll have to move your sister out of the way so you can stretch your gangly little limbs out.

Since I am going back to work in less than a month, we've been looking at a lot of day cares for you and your sister. I'm satisfied with the arrangement of your Nana, Papa and I each having you guys for a day each week, and you having two days away. It's going to break my heart to see someone else spending so much time with you, but I know you will thrive with the social interactions with your peers (and hopefully start on the potty training as well) and you two will be together. Plus, I'll still be able to see you guys at lunch each day, at least for a while. It is so hard to feel like I have no choice-again-but to go back to work. So my wish for you is that you have a choice to work or stay home if you decide to have children. Some people love their careers, some people love their lifestyles, I just wish I could work part-time and be home as much as possible while you two are young, but I know God has a plan and this is what is supposed to happen right now.

You and Jackson had a fun day riding horses a couple weeks back and whenever I mention him or Ms Ally, you go off on this tangent about the horses and the pig and everything we did that day and I'm realizing more and more it's the little things with you. Some kids may want a huge production, but you just want something different from everyday life. I promise that when your sister is a bit bigger, we're going to go on all those adventures I dreamed about when I was pregnant with you. We're going to travel, and go on road trips, and camping and fishing and see the snow. I promise to introduce you to every new type of food I can imagine and take you to Mexico to eat real tortas, and to New York so I can see it for the first time with you. We'll gaze at the Grand Canyon, hike through Yosemite, and search for bears at Yellow Stone. I promise that no matter what else happens in life I will always be there for you. I will never leave you, I will always be your biggest fan, and I will go to the ends of the universe and back, or just flag down the ice cream truck on a sweltering summer day, all just to see your smile.

I love you Angel,
Mama (Mom)

Month Four

2009-04-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

Chunko, a few days ago I had the option of either putting together your brand spanking new crib or writing your letter on time. Obviously, I chose the crib. My bedroom is still torn apart because I haven't had the opportunity to put everything back after rearranging my life (it feels) to give you your own space, but it has been wonderful having you so close, yet not having to worry about rolling over and smooshing you. I hate to say it, but the only reason you got a new crib was that the used one we had bought for your sister was recalled, and I got sick of the 'natural' wood color of all the furniture in the room and went for white instead. We'll see if it stays white... we're planning to have you and Taryn share a full sized bed for a while after you grow out of the crib, and your bed is convertible so you'll be in it for a while.

You still don't sleep long by yourself, but I'm finally able to lay you down in the crib, turn on the vibrate and pat your tummy for a few minutes until you fall asleep. We've been looking at daycare places for you two this past week, and hopefully you'll be able to sleep better there than you do here. If not, at least I hope we don't have to pay extra. I'm so bummed to have to leave you guys, but I have no choice. The economy is crap (I'm sure you'll learn just how bad it got when you get to high school) and we can't risk me staying home and Papa losing his job at the bank. But, you'll have it better in some ways than your sister, since Nana will watch you one day, Papa will have you one day and I'll be home one day each week.

So Chunko, the mantra in the house right now is 'Roll Chunko, Roll!" You rolled for the first time a few weeks ago, but only back to front. When we do tummy time you can totally lift up your head, but most of the time you just lay it down and watch what is going on in the room. And even though you've been laughing for a few months now, your belly laugh now is the greatest. People stop and look when we are out in public and you start your laughing, then can't believe such a small baby laughs so heartily. Your 4-month appointment is on Monday, but we're guessing you're probably close to 15lbs and 26 inches which is bigger than your sister, but not by a whole lot, although you seem like a much bigger child.

We've met a lot of other moms with kids your age, and you are by far the loudest, most talking-est one of all, and my wish for you this month is that you stay a social and engaging person throughout your life. I've struggled with shyness that destroyed my sense or self in a way it's hard to explain and I just hope you never have to. And your sister.... she used to be scared of a fly's shadow but now will strike up a conversation with any person on the street she sees. I see you so far ahead of us both, and hope you stay there in terms of comfort in your own skin.

Well my Love, Papa just got you out of the bath, so it's time for milk, swaddle and sweet, deep sleep. I love you my Angel, I love you so much more than I imagined was possible, and I will keep loving you more and more each day until if feels like my heart will explode... then I'll just keep in loving.

I love you,
Mama

Spoke Too Soon

2009-03-21T22:00:00.000-07:00

This morning:

Me: Dang! Zoraya's diaper leaked on the bed.

Boogie: Fucking baby.

I guess she did pick it up. Though I have to admit, I never said 'fucking baby' in front of her. I dropped the F-bomb in a conversation about two balloons that I received while in the hospital with Gorilita that I'm dying to get rid of, but am too attached to. I said the 'f-ing balloons' and she repeated 'f-ing bombs' for some reason, but hadn't said it since. Ooops.

Month Thirty-Three

2009-03-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hello Darling Girl,

You're just a trimester short of your third birthday, but you are acting like you're four times as old. I think you may have even rolled you eyes at me the other day, but I can't be sure. You've taken to responding to every question with "huh?" Which Granny says you get from your Papa, and even your facial expression mimics him when you say it. Irritating? Yes. But irresistibly cute as well. We were driving up to Petaluma for your Tia Elba's birthday last week and you started talking about getting married for some reason. You told Papa and I you wanted to marry him, and he couldn't be my husband anymore. I have no idea where it came from, maybe because I call him 'husband' when I am angry, so I asked you again today who you wanted to marry, and you said Jack-Jack. You also asked if you could marry him today and said how fun it would be.

By far the most interesting thing that happened this month was you starting preschool. You are such a champ. No tears or prolonged goodbyes. You are so into other kids, and your teachers say that you share very well, something a lot of the other kids don't do yet. Every time we leave the house to go, you are so excited, talking about seeing your new friends and saying hi to your teachers, and when I go back to pick you up you are always so chipper, telling me about your art project for the day and the new toys you played with and singing the songs (with hand motions) that I don't know but love hearing you sing. My wish for you this month Angel, is that you continue to thrive in school and love learning as much as I do. I can totally see this is one of your elements, and I think we picked a perfect time to start you. I know you will do awesomely learning and exploring and creating, and I hope you never lose the wonder you feel now at new educational experiences.

We haven't done much in the way of going places. The weather has been shockingly beautiful this month, very little rain and 75 degrees in March is not something to be wasted, so we've been going on lots of walks and spending lots of time at the park. One of the things that continues to amaze me about you is that you are so sensitive, but so low-key. When I tell you it's time to leave the park without any notice and your sister is screaming on my shoulder, you are so compliant, never throwing a fit or begging to stay.

And most days the three of us end up in the rocking chair together while I am trying to get you to sleep, and you are just so understanding of your sister. Even today she grabbed a handful of your hair and yanked it, and you calmly asked me to take her hand off your head, then you looked at it. And when you saw she had pulled out a piece of your hair, you unwound it from her fat little finger and put it back on the top of your head. :)

You are only 2, but when people hear you talk they always ask if you are older. You have actual conversations with people, and it is getting much easier to understand you because your vocabulary is continuing to expand at a crazy-fast rate. And em, you're repeated a few swear words I said, but only that one time. I'm sure you'll bust them out at the most inopportune time (and use them appropriately to boot) but for now I'll trick myself into thinking you forgot them. You and I talk all day long, about nature and people and cars and buildings, read stories and talk about what's happening on the pages, and we've even had conversations about God. You are simply amazing.

And as I say every month and think to myself a hundred times per day, you are such as special kid, I am so blessed to have you in my life. And I love you more than I ever thought possible.

Love,
Mama

First Week of Preschool

2009-03-05T21:31:00.000-08:00

Boogie is a real preschooler now! She started this week and went two days, and loved it. I was worried at first that she would be super shy and not talk to anyone, but the first day we showed up I only hung around for about 5 minutes, and she was fine. She was the only girl playing cars with the boys, ans when I came back to pick her up, the teacher's assistant told me that she didn't shed a tear, and was holding her own against a bigger buy who was trying to take her toys away from her. She even painted me a picture!

Today was her second day, and when I dropped her off the TA said she was so impressed by how confident Boogie is, that some kids that have been in the preschool since the Fall still barely talk to the other kids and cry when their parents leave. I had to do a double take to make sure she was talking about my Boogie. I am so happy that she is thriving and loving it. She is non-stop chatter in the car talking about her new friends and playing with the toys. She made a necklace today but ended up eating all the Cheerios off it before I could see. Typical Taryn.

Anyway, I'm so excited to see her thrive in yet another situation. And I sort of dig the two hours I got to spend alone this week, drinking a coffee, listening to my ipod and reading a book.

Month Three

2009-03-01T21:27:00.000-08:00

Hey Babydoll,

We've hit the end of the first quarter, and I just have to say, I'm not late because if February had enough days, today would be the 29th. I have a feeling I'll be pointing that out every year.

You have blossomed into such a charming young thing this month. You were already smiling when we went into it, but now you'll smile at perfect strangers and people just can't get enough of your dimple and your laugh. It still sort of sounds like you are coughing, but you'll also blow raspberries while you're smiling, or blow spit-bubbles while you do the goo-goo thing. Your favorite person is Boogie, or course, and just seeing her across the room makes your face light up. But you are also fascinated by the fan, and staring at it (and stopping crying to stare harder) must be a trick you picked up from Jaden.

Oh, but the raspberries are so cute, and you do it when you are falling asleep too, and start blowing spit bubbles when you get too tired, so that no matter where we put you, there is a drool spot on your jammies right under your neck. Actually, you drool a lot more than I expected. I asked the doc if you could be teething, but he said no, so I guess you just salivate a lot. When we hold you with your belly on our forearms, the little crook on the inside of our elbows always end up dripping wet.

Okay, so you aren't a huge fan of tummy-time, and it's probably my fault because we don't do it much. I'd rather put you propped up on the boppy pillow in front of a mirror so that you blow raspberries to that cute stranger who is staring at you. You can already bear weight on your legs, and I'm terrified you'll be walking before your sister. Even 11 months was not long enough for her to take a first step, and I'm sure she'll be right there egging you on to start even earlier. But you can stand when we hold your hands, you can hold you head up and steady, and you can do little baby push-ups, though sometimes I think your head weighs too much because your legs kick around in the air when you do it, like you're trying to get some traction but your body is an off-balance see-saw.

We've been out and about more, and you're actually starting to not hate the car so much. For a while there you just screamed the whole time you were in your car seat, but now I have a good 10 minutes before you start, and you fall asleep pretty quickly. I think developmentally you're getting used to this big, cold, loud world, because you're taking a binkie too, and your sleep is getting much more regular. You are a very even-tempered child, easy to figure out what's wrong most of the time, and the only time you get super-agitated is when you want to sleep, and I've figured out that for the most part either popping you in the sling or taking you outside will knock you out.

Sleep has been wonderful for us both lately, your 5-6 hour stretch makes me the happiest mom on the block, and you wake up ready to play. My wish for you this month Sweetpea, is that you keep the knowledge of what recharges you, whether its being out in nature or listening to music, and you make sure that you always take time for yourself no matter what. I'm still learning the long, hard lesson that I can't take care of anyone unless I'm taking care of myself first, and I hope you can sidestep the suffering it took me to learn that, and be a self-care pro.

I don't even want to sit up here writing this, because I know you are downstairs waiting for me, so I'll end for now and just remind you that I am so blessed to have you in my life.

I love you,
Mama

Month Thirty-Two

2009-02-20T21:47:00.000-08:00

Hey Baby-doll,

This is the first time in months I've gotten your letter started on time, woot! I almost didn't because I need to get this adorable picture of you up on this blog. You've been big into picking out your own clothes lately, and you have a very developed sense of style. I don't know if it's because I always wear layer, or because it's cold outside and sweaters just aren't as cute, but you have been layering tees, tank tops and turtlenecks, and it freaking matches! Who would have thought that a rainbow striped tee, green shirt and gray tank would look good together? Anyway, tonight you wanted to put your own pjs on, and when I went into Granny;s room to get you to read books and go to sleep, you had put on one of Baby Z's pants, your pj top and your sister's beanie as well. You looked like one of those little boys from the 1920's with the short pants on, but it was so cute.

You've also been attached at the hip to Elmo for a while now, as attached as you are to anything, really. Which only means that although you prefer to sleep with him, and have him in the bathroom each night, you'll take a replacement Elmo when we can't find the big one, and you are perfectly content with him sitting on the laundry basket, rather than being in the bath with you. You asked to have him swaddled every night before bed, and I did for a while until you woke up two nights in a row crying that you couldn't get the swaddle tight again. So I told you Elmo was sick and didn't want a swaddle, he wanted to snuggle under the blankets with you, and you accepted that with no question.

I think Elmo has been great for you this month, because you're treating him like your child, and the slight jealously you'd shown about your sister is absolutely gone. Now when I sit on the couch to nurse her, you will sit in your rocker to nurse him. You put diapers on him, and change him over and over, exclaiming (like Mama) about how much poop or pee he's got. And though I shouldn't admit it, I use Elmo to distract you about 10 times per day. When you are under my feet while I'm making breakfast, I'll tell you that Elmo is crying for his mommy and send you out to find a toy to play with him. Or when you are stalling getting your shoes on to leave the house, Elmo is usually all ready to go and waiting just for you. You're adorable, because whatever Elmo wants, Elmo gets. :)

This month has been crazy busy for us. Granny is here, has been here for about 3 weeks, and you follow her like a shadow all day long. When she comes down in the morning, you tell her 'Good Morning everybody' and she is the last person you kiss at night. She was the one who helped you make your first batch of Valentine sugar cookies with sprinkles and showed you how to cut out the shapes with cookie cutters. After your bath while Papa and I are calming the baby so I can read your books and put you to sleep, you sneak into Granny's room and get under the covers with her, watching TV until I am ready for you. And though you didn't want to be alone with her at first, now when I need to run to the store quickly, you are perfectly content to stay home with her and your sister. Granny has been amazing to have here, she's taken care of so much cooking and cleaning that I've really been able to spend a lot of time with you, and I know I am less stressed and better able to respond to your 'terrible twos' that if I was doing this all by myself.

My wish for you this month is that you learn patience by example, and the vital fact that you will lose it sometimes, and you will have to apologize. There is very little you cannot fix by saying you are sorry-and meaning it-and it is okay to express your anger and frustration as long as it is not meant to hurt anyone and done in a constructive manner. And by all means ask for help when you need it. I'm still working on that one.

Next week you start gymnastics again, which I know you will love, and the week after you will be in preschool, so next month's letter should be packed and quite easy to write. Sweetpea, you continue to amaze me by how much you are blossoming and becoming such a fun, cool kid. You've had so many play dates this month, and when I ask who your friends are you list all you buddies, their sibling, and their parents. Never one to discriminate, you also want them all at out house, all together, all the time. And you want to make them cookies. Every day.

I love you,
Mama

The First Day of the Rest of my Life

2009-02-17T06:29:00.000-08:00

It's 6:30am, and I just woke up from a nice 8 hour sleep. And no, P was not up with the baby last night. She actually slept 8 hours on her own, and may have slept longer if I hadn't of freaked out this morning when I realized what time it was and woke her up. Ooops.

Also, Gorilita has been taking her binkie for the past couple days, so hope is on the way.

Last but not least, I started her baby book as well! I haven't started Boogie's yet, and really all I did was put her hand and foot prints in, and tape her picture from right after she was born, but it's a start.

Got Your Nose

2009-02-13T21:37:00.000-08:00

Oy, my apologies to anyone who cares. It's been a few weeks and nary a peep from this blog. Not that life has been slow, but my only opportunity to blog is when Boogie and Gorilita are both asleep (which coincides with my nap as well... which hasn't happened in a few days) and that short period of time between when I put Boogie to sleep for the night, and when P realizes I'm not longer occupied and brings me Gorilita.

Which is now.

So quick like, I wanted to say that the game "Got Your Nose" was a dismal failure in my house. I don't know what possessed me to steal Boogie's nose, I thought she would find it amusing and assumed she was way to smart to believe it, but... nope. I took her nose and put it in my pocket. I had a rolled up tissue in the pocket and told her to feel her nose, which she did, and proceeded to freak the f*ck out.

Seriously. She started screaming and writhing on the ground, wailing that she wanted her nose back, begging me to put it back on her face. So I took it out of my pocket and put it back on her face. The end?

No. She asked me to take it again and put it on the shelf. So I did.

And she freaked out again.

And of course later that night she asked me to take it again and got upset when I said no, but when I took her nose off again and put it under the blanket, she freaked yet again.

I'm so confused.

(And I can hear him coming up the stairs. Right on cue.)

Month Two

2009-01-29T21:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Second Month Milestone Dimples!

You really do have the most adorable dimple on one cheek. You have one on the other side too, but it is just a tiny tease of a dimple. The one on the left side is big enough to stick a cookie in, and when you smile, and my goodness you are quick to smile, it just caves into your chunky round little cheeks. You've been smiling at Taryn for almost a month, and at me for about 3 weeks. Your whole face lights up, and you start cooing and giggling. Any rough days we've been through just disappear when you smile at me and I feel like the world is at our fingertips.

You've also started grabbing at toys, my hair, pretty much anything within reach, but have no interest in the dogs or the cat. Which is probably good, you all will have years together to torment each other. You have been an amazing sick patient, catching your first cold from Papa with sniffles, coughing and these little sneezes that remind me of the pet rats I had when I was a kid. Just a tiny little sound, but snot comes flying out your nose and promptly gets sucked back up. Ooops. But since you've been sick the past 3 days, you've transitioned back into your crib at night and for naps, and you're sleeping 3-4 hour stretches so I feel so energized in the morning and ready to tackle the task or entertaining you and your sister.

We've been lucky for the past week that Granny has been staying with us. Your Nana's mom is a wonderful person, and I hope she is around here long enough for you two to really spend some time together. She has been a God-send, cleaning the house so I can focus on spending time with you girls, and sharing her vast wealth of knowledge with your Papa and I. It is lovely to see you two together, and though you prefer for me over anyone else to soothe you, Granny has become quite good at walking you around the house to keep you occupied while I put your sister down for a nap or get ready for the day. You guys make each other smile, and with the past few years Granny has had, I think you are helping her to enjoy small pockets of life again. My wish for you this month is for me also, because I hope and pray that when you have kids I will be around to help you with them, and that your Nana will be here as well to spend time with any you choose to care for. It makes an incredible difference in life and love to have time to focus on what matters, instead of the monotonous daily chores to cross off the list.

Kid, I dropped you on your head yesterday. I've got a bruise on my butt the size of a plum, so I took most of the force, but as I was bouncing you on the exercise ball to help you sleep, it exploded and I crashed to the floor. I mostly caught you, but the momentum of the fall caused you to bounce off my lap and bump your head on the deflated rubber ball, and the hard floor beneath it. You're fine, though my hands were shaking I was so scared your collarbone snapped again or something, and you screamed bloody murder for about 30 minutes non-stop. I was pacing the block out in the sun, in my socks, trying to calm you down, and though you were inconsolable for that time, you showed no ill effects from the fall. Unlike my derriere. It was the first time your head hit the floor, but surely not your last.

All in all, it's been a mellow month. Yes, there are problems in the house, but I'm confident that you won't remember them, and I don't want to give them power by putting them out in the universe. I hope you know that no matter what happens to this family, you are loved, you will always be loved and treasured, and nothing will ever change that. You have my heart, Gorilita.

I love you.
Mama

And it all comes crashing down

2009-01-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

I had a feeling something was wrong, ever since last Friday I just knew things weren't okay. Now he comes clean, and I've been asked not to talk about it. So I ruminate. And I cry. And I try to figure out how things are going to play out, but I can't. I can't know. It's all on him. I can't influence this, I'm not in control. I don't know what to do anymore.

So the tears are dry, and all I can do is hope that he'll figure this out, stand by his side as he works through the shit storm he created, and pray that the girls and I will come through unscathed. All trust in him is gone. God, this is a fucked up thing to have to deal with when I already have 2 babies to care for. I had hopes for staying home with the girls, but can I give up my job now?

I am so hurt and disappointed. Please don't ask for details, just know that my life became so much harder today, and I'm trying to respect his wishes to deal with it himself. That may not last, but I have to give him a chance.

Month Thirty-One

2009-01-22T10:17:00.001-08:00

Boogie, the day you turned 31 months we rang in an historic moment with mimosas for me, Nana and Granny, and you had OJ in your sippy. We watched the inauguration of President Barak H. Obama, the first African American president of this country. On election night a few months back you sat on the couch with me enthralled by his acceptance speech, and once again I am thrilled to have shared this momentous occasion with you. We cheered, clinked glasses, and you periodically yelled "Obama!" while watching the TV with a huge smile on your face. I know you won't remember that day, but know that you were there, you watched it live, and you were just as juiced as the rest of the world.

Speaking of TV, I want you to thank your sister for one thing, if nothing else: she made you a normal kid. Before she was born, I was stringent with TV. Most days you didn't see it at all unless I was sick or too tired, and then it was educational videos, cartoons set to kids songs, or Jackson's birthday. Now, you're getting around 45 minutes a day, still educational but a lot of the same Dora the Explorer episodes as well (which you know all the words to) so that I can have time to cook dinner or deal with your crying sister without you feeling neglected. I'm not happy about it, but I realized yesterday that I'm trying to do too much, trying to do it all and do it perfectly, and you are suffering. So there you go. Zoraya loosened the cable strings and now you'll be able to discuss non-violent educational cartoons with your friends at school. Say thank you. :)

I'm glad we didn't sign you up for gymnastics this month. It's January, but it's been 70 degrees for weeks so we've been able to go to the park, and play outside, take a few walks, and enjoy the beautiful unseasonal weather. And today it's raining so I put a video on for you so I could write you letter.

You are going through a rough transition right now, from a toddler to a preschooler and attempting to assert your independence. I am trying to help you explore your autonomy while maintaining mt sanity, and it's a hard balancing act but I think we're doing okay. It's funny though because you pretty much refuse to do anything I ask unless it involves someone else. You'll put Papa's shoes away, but not your own. You'll bring me a diaper to change Zoraya, but not when I need to change yours. And you'll eat food off my and your Papa's plate, but not what's on your own. So okay, I'm hoping this phase ends soon, but it's still fascinating to watch you go through it. So this month, my wish for you is that you remain fiercely independent but still have a kind heart, that you assert yourself but not to infringe on or hurt others, that you know clearly what you want and you go after it, but don't beat anyone else down to get there. We've been trying to perfect this for generations, and I have high hopes that you will be the first to achieve that balance.

I haven't talked much about your stature recently, because you haven't been to the doctor in months. You're getting tall, about 34 inches but are still a beanpole at a touch over 25 lbs. Girth-wise, you still fit into 18-24 month clothes and a size 4 diaper, but height-wise you're pushing up into 3T. And you are still one of the most stunning children I have ever seen. Everywhere we go people are commenting that you are so beautiful, and I'm trying to teach you to respond "Thank you, I'm smart too" so that you will learn that looks are not everything, but I have to be honest that you are absolutely gorgeous... and you know it.

You've also been a dancing queen again, stripping off all your clothes, turning on the radio and shaking your scrawny little butt to whatever comes on. I'm going to film you one day and hold it hostage to make sure I get into a nice retirment community.

I love you,
Mama

God, this is hard sometimes...

2009-01-15T08:51:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the days are so hard that I am in tears by the time P gets home. Yesterday I had a screaming infant and a toddler who melted into the floor in tears, begging me to pick her up instead of the baby. I'm still struggling to balance my time, to make Boogie feel loved and attended to, but also to make sure Gorilita's needs are met as well. Then mine. Mine are always last, but I knew that going into this parenting thing, and I'm okay with that. It's splitting time with the girls that is killing me.

Then there are other times, like this morning, where Boogie is so loving and attentive to her sister, playing with her and seeing Glorilita's huge smile when she sees her sister's face melts my heart and makes the rough patches totally worth it. Then I'm in tears anyway when P gets home, so happy that I decided to sacrifice once again so that these sisters will grow up close in age, and hopefully as friends.

I just have to remind myself when things are hard that it will pass, and soon they will be able to play together and making sure they both feel loved now is vital to their later development.

Effective Disciple?

2009-01-06T22:03:00.000-08:00

Boogie has been a bit out of control lately, steadily wading through her terrible twos, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is completely normal. And also not to laugh too much. Her favorite thing now is saying "I can't do it" when I ask her to clean up after herself or do something, like bring me a tissue.

The other day I asked her to pick up her blocks after she dumped them on the floor and walked away. It was time to take a nap and she was being defiant, sprawled across the bench of her table moaning like I had asked her to pick me up and carry me up the stairs.

"I can't Mom, I'm too tired."

So I told her I'd take them away if she didn't help me pick them up, and she says, "Okay, can I go to sleep now?"

As if that wasn't cute enough, the next morning we moved her kitchen and found a couple of the blocks that I had missed putting away the day before. She picks them up, walks over to me with her hand out and says "Put these away too, Mom."

And the Requisite Photos...

2008-12-30T17:36:00.000-08:00

Zoraya's first hospital glamor shot.

Not too happy about her first bath.

Me and the girls in the hospital.

Taryn trying to figure out what she's supposed to do with this baby.

Holding her and watching TV, just like Papa.

One of the only times she slept in the car seat.

Stoked much?

In Taryn's bed. She turned bright red when she gets really mad.

Christmas out take.

Christmas baby.

Month One

2008-12-30T17:07:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Frogger,

We made it a month! Not a huge feat as aside from the last week you have been a pretty easy-going baby, sleeping stretches far longer than I had ever encountered in the first half-year of life with your sister, and no problems at all nursing, unless constant boob-suction for hours every evening is a problem.

As I type this with three fingers, you are nestled in my left arm, snoring away. Yes, I could put you down and type, but if I do that two things could happen ... 1) You might wake up and then I'd have to wait for your Papa and sister to get back from the park, then dinner, baths, my shower, putting Boogie to sleep, and Papa bouncing you to sleep on the exercise ball before I could finish, or 2) You might start gagging on the snot from your first cold ever which is dripping down your throat, wake yourself up then [insert list above]. So it's you and me for a while.

Not much happened this month to be honest. You missed Thanksgiving by a couple of days, but we did have a nice family-filled Christmas. I'm going to be honest, you didn't get much, mostly token gifts that your sister opened for you anyway, and Mama opened you a savings account. I'm going to wait to put your money in your 529 school account until the economy gets a bit better, but we are already saving for you. It's funny writing this, because you are such a huge part of your sister's day, but she doesn't play much of a role in yours. Ah, but that will change, and soon, I think.

You fart a lot. I hope this doesn't embarrass you later, but you do. Like, all day long, and people holding you can always feel it. I have to reassure them you're just pooting away and not pooping, and thank goodness that has gotten under control too. Twice a day and not at night, yeah! You've spit up only a few times, and only when it's totally inconvenient for us, but such is life.

I'm curious to see what you and Tygir's relationship is like later. She's not too happy with the sleeping arrangements right now, you, me and her in the bed, Papa and the puppies in the guest room. Used to be her and I when I was pregnant with you, and though I know the crying bothers her (she'll wander around meowing while you scream, especially during baths... why don't you like them?) and to show us she's not happy, she's been peeing on your carseat and sling. Which is nasty, but even worse because it usually leaks onto a whole other mess of stuff, and cat pee is a nasty smell. So, we'll see. She didn't like Taryn crying either, but I don't remember her defiling her property. So my wish for you this month is that animals learn to love you. It makes life so much easier to be in tune with your furry friends, and I'm sure this setback is just temporary.

Two more things I need to tell you. We call you Gorilita. Sorry. You're pretty much huge compared to Taryn, I'm guessing you're around 11lbs already, and tall, and we used to call her monkey, but I notice in the hospital you more closely resemble a gorilla with your dark full head of hair and your intense dark eyes. Maybe it'll stick, maybe not, but your huge squishy cheeks and kind of hunched-over stance just add to the effect.

The other is more serious, and I'm sorry if this hurts you later. I need you to know that this is normal, that my mother felt the same way about me, and if you decide to have children, it will be normal for you as well. When you were first born, I was sort of indifferent about you. I loved you immediately, but didn't feel really bonded to you. I have been so in love with your sister for the past 2.5 years and couldn't really imagine loving another child as much as I adored her. It wasn't post-partum depression, but it took a couple weeks for me to really want to spend time with you. Part of it is the fact that infants literally poop, eat and sleep, there is very little interaction in the first couple weeks, and I was trying to make sure Taryn didn't feel jealous or angry about you being born. Part of it is that I half-expected you to be just like her, and part of it is probably just a natural part of a major change, adjusting to having a bigger family, not being pregnant, etc.

I can say now that I am totally into you though. I love snuggling with you, how you put your nose into the fold of my neck when I am carrying you, and how I catch you just watching me when you are in your sling. I love that you calm so easily in my arms, and one thing that I can't say about your sister is that I am actually enjoying having an infant. You are just so easy-going it's a pleasure to stay up with you for hours because you aren't crying, you're just awake, and we can read books or watch a movie or whatever. You are a baby that would *almost* make me want another one if I could guarantee a pain-free delivery, a good eater and sleeper, and an extra set of hands. I'm all about full disclosure here, so I want you to know that in the beginning, I didn't cry when I first saw you, I slept in the hospital instead of staying awake to watch you sleep, but now, a month into our new life, I couldn't imagine myself without you. I am so looking forward to seeing you grow and blossom, meeting your personality, figuring out your likes and dislikes, and mostly, seeing you interact with your sister.

Gorilita, I am so blessed that you chose me to be your Mama. And I am thankful every day that although we had a harder pregnancy than anticipated, a rough delivery, and your kidney problem, you are healthy and happy and growing. And you are mine.

I love you,
Mommy

Month Thirty

2008-12-26T21:30:00.000-08:00

My Beautiful Girl, you've made it to the second half of your second year, and though this has been a difficult month for all of us you have blossomed into quite the social butterfly.

I promise not to turn your monthly letters into a recap of your sister's life (she'll have her own letters for that) but since she was born this month, I should comment on how you are adjusting. At first, things were good. You were super attached to Zoraya, wanted to help with everything from changing diapers to swaddling to nursing, and at least 10 times per day you'd come to me and ask to hold her. Within the last few days though you've been acting out a bit, crying very easily and throwing tantrums (for most kids, they'd probably be small hissy-fits, but for you it's a full out puddle-on-the-floor tantrum). You also haven't been sleeping as well, waking up very early or very late, and crying when we leave you at night. I know it's hard, and I know we'll get through this. I constantly remind myself that you are only 2. In some ways you seem so much older, much more mature, but in others you are spot-on your age. This is on of them.

You are still very affectionate with your sister though, holding her and helping me to take care of her. Thankfully she sleeps through your noise, banging on the drum Papa bought you for Christmas (which you love, and had a great little jam session with your Popo the other day). I can't wait until she's old enough for you two to play together, and although I know the older you get, the more you'll fight, I also know you'll love her and protect her for the rest of your life.

As for blossoming though, for the past year you have been very shy even around family and people you see often and know. But these past few weeks you have warmed up incredibly fast, and now are playing within 20 minutes as opposed to 2 the 2 hours it used to take you. No exaggeration, you would cling to me for 2 full hours before you'd go play with the kids, and it would take 3-4 hours to interact with the adults. This past Friday you were playing with Popo and Grammy (whom you had never even met before) within about 30 minutes. I love it because people are drawn to you and you have so much fun with them, and I just love seeing the look of delight on both of your faces. So this month my wish for you is that you continue to light up people's lives simply by being your wonderful self.

We haven't been out much, though we are going to see Christmas lights tonight before they take them all down. We did go to a Christmas show and you had a ball watching the dancers and listening to music and learned how to do the chicken dance. The second half of the show was a little dark and we left early, and I think you had a nightmare about the clown, so I'm hoping that isn't something that stays with you forever.

And you've started calling me "Mom" and your Papa "Babe". Nice, huh? I know you are just mimicking what you hear, and it is cute, but I hope the habit doesn't stick. Not very cool when we're out in public and you tell to your Papa "Come over here, Babe!" People stare. Then laugh. Great.

Alright kid, I'm tired. You were up until 11:30pm last night and woke up this morning at 7am, so between that and your sister staying away and fussing until 3am, I need a nap. But I love you, and I promise things will get better. You won't even remember how hard this time is and will be for a while, and I promise that having a sister will eventually be a blessing, even though right now it may feel more like a curse to you. You will always be my angel.

I love you.
"Mom"

The Challenge

2008-12-13T21:22:00.000-08:00

This pregnancy, I gained a grand total of 50lbs! Whoot! And I've lost 20 so far, so yay for big babies. But it's time to think about if and how I'm going to be slim again for the summer. I know most people can't tell that I'm still 30lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight, but none of my clothes fit, and that's my biggest motivator.

My darling husband is also about 30lbs away from his ideal weight, so we made a friendly wager: Whoever loses 30lbs first, or the person to lose the most by April 15th gets a sweet prize.

At first he thought I had an unfair advantage because I'm nursing, but I had to remind him that it took me a full 9 months to lose the 41lbs I gained while pregnant with Boogie. And he's got a huge advantage over me since he actually has a gym membership and has a while 16 week course laid out for him. So I think we're mostly even except...

1. I'm going to plateau way before him. We're both carrying extra weight, but my body is going to try to hold onto it as long as possible so that I have reserves for nursing. His isn't, but he'll be gaining muscle while he loses fat, and I'm hoping that will be enough to let me win. :)

2. I have way more willpower when it comes to food and have healthier habits already established. At midnight when we finish a movie and are both a bit hungry, I'm fine with an orange and a glass of water, while he will eat another plate of carne and mandioca. At midnight. Plus, I'll be home and able to prepare my own food when he goes back to work, and he'll most likely be too lazy to bring his food, and will then be eating more calories, fat, etc from take-out.

3. I can't exercise for 4 more weeks, due to my 'birthing injury' so he has almost a month head start on me. But, when I do start I'll probably be carrying Gorilita so I'll burn more calories since I'll be lugging an extra 10-12lbs with me.

So, we'll see. And I'll of course keep a log of how much I'm losing and how... if anything.

Welcome to the World!

2008-12-03T07:33:00.000-08:00

Miss Zoraya Alina Caballero, I am so happy to finally meet you.

For the record, I want to explain your name and why all your hospital documents say "Baby Girl Caballero." See, as soon as your Papa and I found out we were having another Princess, we immediately decided that your name would contain "Lina" as a tribute to your great-grandmother Theolina. Papa wanted your first name to be "Alina" and I agreed on the condition that I could pick your middle name, but he vetoed "Sanaa" which was my first choice, so we stopped talking about names.

I started researching, and compiled a list of names. He'd look it over and pick his two favorites, and cross off the ones he absolutely did not like. From the first list Ikayla and Zolaya were the top two. Ikayla I vetoed, and for some reason we started calling you Zoraya. And I guess it just stuck. We didn't discuss names too much because we couldn't agree, so when you were born at the hospital and they asked your name, I said I didn't know yet. Of course your Papa sent a text message to everyone 20 minutes later announcing your name (thank goodness he didn't put Ikayla!) so that decided it. I hope you like it Love, I think it's beautiful.

(For everyone else, as far as I can find the name is either Slavic meaning "dawn" or has an African origin meaning "African princess" or is Arabic for "rich." African princess seems to be the most common. And sort of funny, because Taryn can mean "little princess" in Scandinavian or "Queen" from the Greco-Roman origin. I'm sure she'll go for Queen.)

So on to your birth. Kid, I waited so long for you! You were two days early, but I expected you weeks before that since I had been having contractions and was 3cm dilated since the middle of November. I really thought you would be born on Thanksgiving this year too, that's how strong I was feeling you come, but your big sister told us for 2 weeks that you would be born on Saturday, and though Friday I had practically no symptoms at all, she was right. She also said you would be a girl when I was so sure I was having a boy... crazy.

So Friday night I went to bed around 11:30 after having our second Thanksgiving at the house. I couldn't fall asleep, my legs were cramping and I couldn't get comfortable. I did have a couple contractions, but they weren't painful, just annoying. At about 12:35 I heard a loud *pop* and felt a gush of water soak through my pajamas and onto the bed. I felt you kick around the same time, so either you popped your own bag of waters, or it freaked you out as much as it surprised you, and you kicked right afterwards.

I went to the restroom and looked in a book to make sure having pink fluid was normal while your Papa called Nana to let her know we were going to the hospital. We had to leave a message, and I knew we needed to go right away, so we called Jojo to come watch your big sister, and headed off to the hospital right before 1:00am. Of course Papa's car had no gas in it, so we had to stop and by then the contractions were coming about 3 minutes apart so I told him to put in $2 only (about 1 gallon) or we weren't going to make it to the hospital.

For the next 45 minutes we drove through thick fog with me having contractions every 2 minutes and they were lasting 90 seconds each. I think I scared your Papa but they hurt so bad and were coming so fast all I could do was breathe and roll down the window to distract myself. Papa doesn't see well at night, so I know he was scared of getting in an accident and worried that he couldn't go past the speed limit because he couldn't see more than 15 feet in front of him.

When we were down the street from the hospital (Papa missed the exit, even though I told him, and we had to take the next one) I started to get very worried because I had the feeling you were coming very, very soon. We were stopped at a red light for 2 contractions (the only way for me to measure time in the moment) and as soon as we got through I told him not to stop at any stop signs. As we pulled past the hospital to the ER entrance in the back, I felt the urge to push.

So Papa pulled up at the ER entrance, started honking his horn, then jumped out of the car and ran inside to tell them I was having you. He grabbed a wheelchair and helped me into it, then went to park the car as the nurse brought me upstairs to Labor and Delivery. I kept telling her to hurry, that I needed to push, and she kept trying to reassure me that "It's okay, we're almost there, you'll be okay" but I don't think she believed me. As we got to L&D the nurse there saw how close I was, skipped registration and rushed me into the delivery room. They got me in a gown and held a monitor to my stomach and checked me. I was 7cm.

One contraction later your Papa was upstairs and they checked me again because I told them I really needed to push. I was already 9cm and ready to go. I pushed on the next one, then your Nana showed up. Less than 10 minutes after Papa and I got to the hospital, you were born. I don't think it was supposed to be that fast, but your heartbeat dropped to the 70's and they were worried about brain damage from lack of oxygen. They cut me to get you out faster and you actually broke your collar bone on the way. After you were born, I started to hemorrhage so they gave me an IV of pitocin to stimulate contractions to get my uterus back in shape and stop the bleeding.

And you, my beautiful girl, were born at 1:57 am, less than 1.5 hours after my water broke. You were a healthy 8lbs, 13 ozs and 21 inches long. The midwife who delivered you said if I have another baby, I need to go on the diabetic diet, because they didn't think I could deliver a baby any bigger than you.

And now My Sweet, we finally have you home with us. It's been a mellow few days, you eat like a champ, no problems latching though you do like to stay at the boob constantly in the evenings and you've been pooping up a storm. Like really, the nurses said 1 poop a day is normal right now, and you are averaging 3 a day. You've been letting me sleep well at night so far, 3 hour stretches though I have you in the bed with me since you don't seem to want to stay in the bassinet for anything but naps.

And your sister adores you. She asks to hold you probably 20 times per day, is always climbing up to give you a kiss, or hold your hand, or read you a book while she is in the middle of playing. She revolves around you right now, and I hope that you are able to maintain such a close relationship as you have now. And your Papa is infatuated as well, maybe because you were born with a head of thick black hair, just like his. You two are sleeping on the bed right now, and you look so much alike in this moment, it's uncanny.

That's all for now Kiddo. I love you with all my heart, and I am so glad you are finally here, and healthy and I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.

Love,
Mama

Month Twenty-Nine

2008-11-21T21:40:00.000-08:00

Well Kiddo, looks like you are almost 2.5 years old, but I could swear you're turning twenty. First off, what's up with the memory? It used to be that I could promise you something, like ... "If you go to sleep now, we'll read Cinderella when you wake up!" And you'd sleep, and forget all about Cinderella. Now, the minute you wake up, you go get Cinderella and I have to read it, because I promised. Or how I told you that the chocolate chip pumpkin muffins were a snack, and not breakfast, lunch or dinner, and every time I ask you if you are hungry, you get a glint in your eye and ask for a snack. Smart kid, but I need to figure out another form of deception for you now.

Speaking of books, I'll apologize ahead of time if I've already ruined your social life by getting you addicted to books. Truthfully, I didn't read much to you when you were a baby, it was boring because I knew you didn't know what I was saying, and books for that age group are a bit...dry. So I'd read you my murder mysteries out loud so when your pediatrician asked if I read to you, I could honestly say 'yes' without elaborating. And also, you were more interested in eating them than reading back then, so hey, I did what worked for both of us. But I rearranged your room recently (nesting, one day you will know that drama it can cause) and now your books are all at your level, and you are in heaven.

When you wake up from your naps or in the morning, we don't hear a peep from you unless you are reading out loud to your pony or one of your dolls. Mostly though we'll find you in your bed with a pile of books, in the dark, flipping through the pictures and mumbling a story line, happy as can be all by yourself. I love it. I remember staying up for hours reading when I was a kid and the joy and escape that it brought to me, as well as the trouble it ultimately kept me out of. So I hope that you retain your love of literature, and that you let if expand past fiction to a love of books of all things, past and present, real and make-believe.

I've been on maternity leave for 2 weeks now, and aside from being laid up with a cold and stomach flu, and the obsessive cleaning and organizing that I've been doing, we're having a blast. Lots of play dates, coffee shop stops, shopping, and of course reading tons of books. We've been cooking together, and you are becoming a pro at stirring (and 'tasting' when my back is turned) and I still can't get over what a love-bug you are. You are also getting much more comfortable with starngers, playing peek-a-boo with people behind us when we are in line at the store and waving hi and bye to the neighbors you previously ignored.

You've also become quite a protector for mommy, and it's not your job to take care of me, but it is cute to see you try. Like when I get frustrated with the dog, you'll pick Rosco up and carry him out of the room, then shut the door. Or try to help me put on my shoes because it's so hard to bend over with a huge belly right now. You get the animal food from the cabinets for me, point out all the spiders for me to 'clean' and consistently tell me how to drive, from letting me know what the colors of the lights mean, to urging me "Mama, let's go!" when we are stuck behind a slower car.

Wait, back to the memory thing? You remember our full names and all of our birth dates. You remember what you were wearing the last time you saw someone a week ago, and ask to wear the same thing the next time you see them. It's almost weird how you seem to absorb everything, reminding me if Papa is at work or in class from one day to the next, based on what he tells you in the morning, or what to buy at the store. If I told you two days ago that on Saturday you would see Nana, when I tell you when it is Saturday, you'll ask to see Nana. Really, quite uncanny for your age.

I'm continually amazed at how grown up you are, but so completely innocent at the same time. I know I tell you a hundred times a day, but I love you with all my heart, and I can't imagine my life without you.

Love,
Mama

My Favorite Scene

2008-10-31T08:00:00.000-07:00

I walked out of the bathroom last night after taking a steaming shower with new, yummy smelling soap with some sort of exfoliator beads baked right in.

I hear Boogie singing her never-ending rendition of "Row Your Boat" with a bit of "ABC's" mixed in, so I peeked out the door.

P was standing in the hallway, shaking his booty to our daughter's song while ironing his shirts for work. She was laying belly-down in the bathtub 'swimming' and drawing pictures with her bath crayons, including a blue mustache on her own face.

It melted my heart, and I knew everything was right in my world at that moment.

Not a Single Original Thought

2008-10-29T09:43:00.000-07:00

I think it's all been done before. I can't imagine a single action, thought, or experience in my life that hasn't happened to someone before me. After thousands of years of existence, there is nothing original in my life.

And it doesn't really bother me all that much.

I used to want to be different. I felt different and searched for things in my life to justify that feeling, and maybe it's having children, or being married, or just maturation, but I'm starting to feel like it's all been done before.

The individual pieces of our lives are interchangeable, we're never alone, and yet what makes us unique are all those pieces together, and the story of our entire lives that we've constructed with those basic building blocks. Like DNA, we all start with the same 'stuff' but how it is arranged, what came before and after and all those small details piled up is what makes us indiciduals.

I sometimes get stuck feeling as though no one understands me. I get tired trying to explain myself to other people, hoping for that glimmer of recongition so I can say, "Yes! That exactly." And not have to explain anymore. I've felt lately that people around me understand the point but not in the context of my life. I feel like I can relate on that one thing, but how it affects me based on past experiences is too far to reach. I feel like even though we have a lot in common, my history makes it impossible to ever be truly understood.

And that's okay. Because if someone ever understood me completely they might find out those things that I try to hide too. The lovely double edged sword.

I guess that in some parts of my life I feel like I'm going in circles. I'm reenacting the same conflicts and disappointments over and over, and I don't know how to jump off that dysfunctional hamster wheel. And people give me advice, and I understand (and often agree) but I can never explain all the small details and experiences to make someone understand that I can't just give up. There is too much history to give up.

So I hop back on the wheel, and run in place. But it's all been done before. Someone has worked it out in the past, and I have full confidence that one day I'll stumble on that path too, that it will be well trod by people before me and I can follow their footsteps for that time until I have myself straightened out, then I'll follow another path and see where it leads me.

Almost Pee'd My Pants

2008-10-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

I was fixing Boogie's hair this morning so P could take her out to get fish and pupusas. I feel like crap, otherwise I may have wanted to go, but my head was pounding and I but her bangs started doing this weird outward flip thing which made them stick straight out from her forehead.

P suggested we put a cold roller in her hair to curl them back under, but it wasn't staying so I told him to put some water on them so they'd keep that shape when they dried.

Next thing I know he's chasing her into the room with the iron.

Me: Babe! What the heck are you doing?

P: You told me to spray water on them!

And he corners her and starts spraying water from the iron onto her hair, soaking the top of her head and misting her entire face as well. I was laughing so hard I really almost lost it. I had to run to the restroom before Frogger kicked me and really made a mess.

But it did work. :)

Spot On and NatGEO

2008-10-22T07:51:00.001-07:00

I'd been worrying about Taryn's sleep habits for a couple weeks now. She's quite consistent, but just not on an even similar schedule to any other kid I'm aware of. My little Angel sleeps 9p-8a at night, then a 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon. Sometimes she wants to nap 4 hours, but very rarely less than 2.5. So that makes about 14 average per day, and I didn't know if that was average or what.

Well, just read a WedMD article that said toddlers typically sleep 12-14 hours per day, so I guess she's doing fine. I have to say, though I can see the appeal of getting her to sleep earlier and having more of a break at night, I love that I get to see her for almost 4.5 hours after work, and I get to sleep in on the weekends.

Yes, waking up at 8am is sleeping in when your alarm is normally set for 5:45.

And ohmigoodness! P and I had quite a show on Saturday night.

I woke up around 12:45am to tinkle and heard a rustling noise outside and a low growl. I figured it was a cat or spazoid deer or something, so I looked out the window and literally 15 feet from me was a deer being stalked by 2 coyotes! The deer was backed up against the fence that separates our 'lawn' from the wilderness and the coyotes were doing figure 8's on either side getting closer and closer. I called to P who was dead asleep and the sound of my voice frightened the coyotes off a bit. We could tell the deer was injured so we makes some more hissing noises to scare them off, and one coyote ran up the hill, while the other one moved off about 30 feet but sat watching.

We went back to bed after a while, but for the next hour whenever we heard anything one of us would get up and look out the window with a flashlight and give the other an update. At some point P closed the window (I was knocked out, watching live nature shows really is exhausting) so we didn't get to see how it ended, but that deer was hardcore. He made a run for it at least once and got cornered and forced back down to the fence, but I think he made it in the end. I mean, if they could have taken him easily they would have, but he seemed smart enough and the coyotes were kind of wimpy.

So. I'm off the hook for walking the dogs in the early morning and at night, at least for a while. And the cat is grounded when the sun starts to go down.

Month Twenty-Eight

2008-10-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Oh Child, the things you say nowaday. Rather, the things you repeat, shock the bejeebus out of me sometimes. It's mostly cute things, like how you've picked up on my "Ummmm .... no" instead of just saying no, but you also started the habit of saying "Shhhhh! Baby sleeping!" when you are playing with your dolls and we are talking too loudly. I can only remember one time that you've been shushed when there was a sleeping baby at the house, but I guess it's good practice for when your baby sister is born.

Last month you were much more into singing and dancing together, but it seems like the last few weeks you've only wanted to really sing. And sing. And sing. You sing in the bathtub, in your carseat, when I get you up from a nap you are typically awake in your toddler bed singing to Osito or a baby doll. It's awesome how well you know the words to songs, how you can hum the tune of your favorites, and how after you sing Happy Birthday (or insert part of it into another song) you blow out imaginary candles.

Speaking of toddler bed, you transitioned amazingly well to it. The first week was a piece of cake, though the second week we did have to set some limits on geting out of bed and you cried a few times when I left you in there, but for the last couple weeks you are excited to go to sleep, and even when we read books at night you want to sit in your bed, propped up with pillows like Mama does, and turn the pages yourself. And the only way I can leave is by singing ABC and Twinkle Twinkle, and I'm tripping because it took me 25 years to figure out that they have the same tune. Thanks Doll.

We've also moved on from board books to actual stories at night, 101 Dalmations, Winnie the Pooh and Snow White have been in rotation for the last week. It's much more interesting (for me) to read these than to recite your other books from memory with my eyes closed, and you have a trick of putting your squishy little finger over the witch or Cruella de Vil's face and saying "Opa scary!" with a giant grin on your mug. I'm excited to share my love of readign with you, and I'm so happy you are into Fiction (so far) instead of history book, like your Papa. My wish for you this month Angel is that you nurture your love of books and are able to use them as an escape, as a vacation, and as a learning tool throughout your life.

Kiddo, we're going to have so much fun this holiday season. We've already been to several pumpkin patches and a Halloween party, and you are so adorable in your kitty costume, though it's already filthy and needs to be washed...again. You have a small pile of pumpkins that you've picked up at each event, and which you periodically set around the house 'just so' or walk in your shopping cart. This weekend for your sister's babyshower will be a blast, seeing all you kids in costumes and playing games and getting hyped up off massive amounts of candy. We have a couple more HAlloween events until the big day, and as soon as I'm on leave from work we'll tear down Halloween and start working on Christmas, with lights and trees and decorations everywhere. Yes!

I love you my Sweet Girl. And thank you for being honest. Usually when I wear my hair down and curly you roar at me like a lion, but I got a very expensive, and very cute cut, and when I came home you ran your fingers through my hair and said "I like it." My Angel.

Love,
Mama

Success!

2008-09-29T07:42:00.000-07:00

Taryn slept all night in her new toddler bed. Not a peep from her until 7:30 this morning when strolled into P and I's room, climbed up on her bed and said "Opa noni!"

Favorites

2008-09-25T09:18:00.001-07:00

Do you ever worry that you are going to love Z more than Taryn?”

This is the question he casually threw out last night as we were discussing Boogie going into a toddler bed this weekend, dinner to celebrate his promotion, and an agreement to hash out a name for Frogger (aka Z).

Honestly, the thought had not even crossed my mind. My big worry was that I’ll love them the same but like Boogie more than her sister. I can’t fathom a child being nearer to my heart than my firstborn, someone being as smart and beautiful and loving and sweet as Boogie is, and I honestly regretted getting pregnant for a short time, because I was so worried about what an injustice it was to bring another child into the house when I could have stopped with perfection.

But as we talked a bit more I started to wonder if our perspectives were not meeting because we had different birth orders. P is the first child for his parents, and knowing his background I can understand his concern that I, the primary caretaker and mother, would love the younger more than the older. That is what he grew up seeing and experiencing, and for him, that must be a truth in life.

I, on the other hand, was the second child, and while I never doubted my mother’s love, there have been, and still are times when I feel like my older brother is the favorite. It doesn’t bother me as much now as it sometimes did when I was younger. I consciously set out on my own at a younger age and tried to be independent, and while I maintain ties to my mother, I have my own family to care for now so I don’t feel like I expect as much from her. I wonder if my mom and brother are so close because they’ve had to struggle to get to where they are now, and they’ve grown together during that struggle? I feel like I’ve always been connected to my mom, and our struggles deepened our understanding of each other, but I have never been the Prodigal Child.

But it’s all perspective. My idea of what a ‘favorite child’ is may be very different from my husband’s, mom’s and brother’s ideas are. And a person’s actions do not necessarily betray one’s feelings, because I think parents often overcompensate for having a favorite, by spending time and energy with the neglected child. I guess in the long run it will probably even out. I’m sure there will be some times when I favor one of my girls over the other, and I’m sure that will change over time as we all pass through phases in life. I just hope that I never lose the ability to treasure each one for how beautifully different they are, and teach them to appreciate that in themselves and others.

Month Twenty-Seven

2008-09-20T21:14:00.000-07:00

All day long I had it stuck in my head you were only twenty-six months today, but then I realized that you and your little sister should be 29 month apart, so either your birthday or my due date was off. Silly me.

I don't really know what a 27 month old kid is supposed to be like, I guess I haven't paid much attention to any that I was around, but I really should have, because you have been cracking us up lately.

We've been practicing names for a couple weeks now, I figured since you're old enough to run off and get lost, you should probably know your families names so whatever security guard picks you up in the mall, they can page us. Like you'd actually talk to a stranger. You got my name, the animals and your own fine, but when I asked you what Papa's name was, you yelled "Babe!" Which is true in a way, since that's what I call him, but probably wouldn't help much in the event of an emergency.

After you got the first names of people you see on a regular basis, we started working on last names too, but every time I say our last name, you dissolve in giggles. So I've taken to calling you "Miss C-" just to see you crack up for absolutely no reason.

We started gymnastics again this month, and I feel bad for keeping you away for so long. At the first class, as all the other kids were shy and quietly following directions, you were a whirlwind of bouncing curls and random jumping, spinning in circles with your arms flying by your sides and randomly rolling on the floor. And about halfway through the class you saw the older girls running in a big circle in another part of the gym and took off running after them. Yeah, everyone thought it was funny except your 7 month pregnant mother who had to tackle you to the floor to get you to slow down, and drag you back to the 2 year-old group.

But I'm glad you have so much energy, it motivates me to get going too even though I'm exhausted all the time. On our walk today, I was waddling along as you pushed your baby in her stroller and I noticed suddenly that you were no longer next to me. I turned around to see where you had gone, and almost peed myself (literally) when I spied you a few feet back with your hands on your hips, shaking your butt and singing something incoherent.

I don't know what has changed, but in the last couple weeks you spend hours each day singing and dancing, with a doll or stuffed animal, sometimes all by yourself in front of the mirror. Papa and I both sing to you a lot, and we all dance together, but seeing you groove to your own little beat is the most fantastic vision of freedom and self-confidence. And so my wish for you this month is that you never lose your song, and you never lose your love of dancing.

Pretty soon I'll be home with you more, and I'm excited to see you excited in the coming month as we start hitting up the pumpkin patches and get your Halloween costume pictures. You already know how to say Trick-or-Treat, and when we practice at home you hold out your hand for candy, and pretend to unwrap it and stick it in your mouth when I hand you a pretend piece. Ah, life is so easy before you relize how much real candy you'll get that day...

I love you,
Mama

Halloweeeeeeeeeeeen

2008-09-09T07:35:00.000-07:00

Can I be honest here, without being shot by the firing squad? I know it's an odd feeling, and I've gotten a lot of slack for saying it, but I'm not a fan of Halloween. I mean, sure, I like seeing the kids dressed up and handing out candy, but me? Dress up? Not my thing.

I much prefer the "Autumn Activities" that come with this odd-ball holiday, going to the pumpkin patch and sampling fresh cheeses, wandering through the corn maze, maybe even riding on the haywagon if I have a minor accomplice. I do like the spiced apple cider, pies, the crisp Autumn air, pretty much everything aside from Halloween day.

I find it a bit disconcerting to see grown folks dressed up in some of the things they do. I'm turned off by the over-sexualization of many costumes, and some of them honestly scare me shitless. Maybe I'm just an open book though, what you see is what you get, and I don't need a special day each year to let my inner demon loose?

But here's the thing. Please don't tell, but I am actually starting to get excited this year. I don't know if it's because I see how stoked Boogie is to wear her costume (and there's a hint, she already has one) or because the last two years she was too young to go Trick-or-Treating. I actually have a costume idea for myself in mind, and I am the person that usually figues all that stuff out on the way to the Halloween party. Maybe I'm psyching myself up knowing the proposed theme for my baby shower which I initially wasn't too keen on, but now sounds like it will be a lot of fun.

I'd like to think it's the preggo hormones that are messing with my normally stoic facade (in relation to this weird day, at least) but I don't know. I do know this year we're hitting up at least two pumpkin patches, we're carving pumpkins, I'm making fresh pie and maybe my pumpkin chocolate bread while I drink my spiced cider, and I'm living it up this Fall. We're going to as many Halloween parties as we can, Trick-or-Treating both at Northgate and at home, and I'm sure Boogie is planning to wear her costume every day for the next 2 months as well.

Third Trimester Giggles

2008-09-08T08:25:00.001-07:00

Already 28 weeks. I’m officially in the home stretch. And I’m giddy.

For some reason the past few days I have become almost stupidly excited about having this baby. Not that I don’t enjoy being pregnant, but I am so excited to see this little girl, and hold her, and bring her home to meet her big sister. I’m excited to have my house back soon and be home with my girls for a few months.

I’ve started a mental list of what I am going to do as soon as I go out on leave: get my hair cut, get a massage, rearrange the extra bedroom for optimal middle-of-the-night nursing and TV viewing, get the bassinette and pack-n-play set up, wash Boogie’s old clothes and get them put away in her yet-to-be-purchased dresser, decorate for Christmas …

And though normally I may feel a bit overwhelmed with having so much to do in an undetermined amount of time, these are all things that I am looking forward to, that I will enjoy doing, and that will get me even more excited to see this kid. And as much as I was dreading a “Christmas Baby” I’m stoked that this will all be happening during my absolute favorite time of year.

I’m also juiced that I’ll be home with Boogie for a while, just the two of us for hopefully a couple weeks. Time to devote to her, and soak up her squishy-cheeked loveliness before the whirlwind of infancy starts again in my house. We get to go Christmas shopping and sing carols and drink hot chocolate while we snuggle and read books. We get to lounge in our jammies all day if we want to, or get dolled up and go see Christmas lights. We can watch Rudolph cartoons and make paper snowflakes and we have an excuse to get our Christmas tree before Thanksgiving this year!

Watch out people, you know I bake when I’m extra happy, and you will be inundated with Christmas treats, candies, bread, and anything else I can think of. Whoot!

Burned Out

2008-09-07T19:41:00.001-07:00

It sucks that I can't post what I wrote. I'm too tired to deal with the backlash of being honest. I'm too busy to explain in more detail what I mean, and I don't want all the excuses.

I wish I could do more, but I'm tired. I wish I could give infinitely but I'm drained. I wish you knew how much time I devote to you, that I feel like I've lost because I don't get yours in return.

I know I've said it before, but I need to be more selfish. I need to take care of myself first. I'm sorry if I'm not available to you as much as I used to be, if I can't spend hours listening to you when I don't feel heard, or calling to make plans when I feel you don't really want to spend time with me.

I just need to regroup, I guess.

Loss

2008-08-26T07:06:00.001-07:00

I know as I get older I will see more and more classmates passing away. It is an inevitability of aging, but if each loss is going to be as painful to bear as the last, I'm not quite sure how one manages.

She is the first to go, as far as I am aware, and the tragic nature of it, the fact that we had so much in common, and daughters around the same age, it puts life in perspective. I had planned on blogging today about not putting your life on hold, not waiting for the 'right time' or 'your time' to live, but I'm in shock about the whole thing.

And I'm furious that her daughter's father is a freaking shmuck, that poor 16 month old girl is basically an orphan because her father will never step up and take care of her.

I'm heartbroken and depressed and angry, but grateful her baby girl is okay. I know she'll be taken care of, but I panic thinking of leaving Taryn before my time. One small mistake and it's over. There is no restart in life. This, right here, is all we have. We lost a classmare and a friend, Angela gained a guardian angel.

Rest in Peace, Liz.

Month Twenty-Six

2008-08-20T21:27:00.000-07:00

Girl, if there terrible-twos are about testing limits, we have jumped in head first! This month has been full of surprises, demands, hissy-fits, tears and hugs. Your pushing it, and I'm proud of you for asserting your independence in a little 2'9" 24lb body, but ... I'm tired.

The roller coaster started with more obvious food preferences, no more oatmeal or quesadillas (which you had been living off of for many months) and all of a sudden you are actually asking for certain foods, which is awesome, except when you only wanted to eat blackberries for days. Because Love, you will see if you have your own children, blackberry-filled diapers are no joke.

Then the teething kicked in again, and the bottom two second molars were a breeze, but the top two knocked your socks off, and you went from Ms. Independent to Ms. I-Need-You-Mama-More-Ice-Please. And I struggle so much with being available and making sure that you always know you can count on me, but on the other hand I don't want you to become so dependent that you cry whenever I leave the room, and regress to be coddled. It's hard, but pfffft. Shows how much I know about preschoolers.

Sure enough, the next week you are a full-fledged Gemini, screaming at the top of your lungs "Mama, Mommy, need you, help please, up, up, mas besos, more hugs, up Mama, Mama sing song, Mama come, Mama sit, up Mama, no down, no down, more hugs, mas besos, love you, Mama ..." and the next second, when Papa is home from work and you have a new focus, "Mama go away, in house Mama. Now."

Right. I'll get one that now.

But I love it. I may not necessarily enjoy every second of it, but it's so amazingly cool to see you, really see you, and I love who you are, who you have been and who you are becoming. My wish for you this month is that you continually evolve. I hope you don't ever get stuck in being what anyone expects of you, I hope you are an individual and that your tastes and moods, and styles and interests change as your life does. I know you'll be dynamic.

I do have to say, this month has been packed, and while I'm looking forward to some down time from the birthdays and play dates, you are incredibly adaptable and have quite a few boyfriends. But although you only have one little girl your age you sometimes see, you've become a rough and tumble girly girl. You'll jump and run and play and wrestle with the boys, and do it in the pretty dress you picked out that morning. Or throw your dolls and play with monster trucks and trains, ride bikes and let your cousins puch you on their skateboards and scooters, but the minute someone is hurt, you immediately get concerned, and make sure 'Boo-Boo Rescue' is on the way. I love that about you. So carefree and unconcerned with gender roles right now, but always the nurturer.

Well Darling, I keep saying it, and I mean it more than ever. I love you so much more that I thought humanly possible. The rest of this year is going to hold some major changes for you, but I know you'll get through it, and be a womderful big sister. Which reminds me, you repeat everything we say right now. You've started calling Papa 'Babe' because that's what I yell when I need him, or if he calls to me, you'll yell 'What?" like I normally do. You tell the puppies to 'hush, stop barking' and you remember events vividly and will explain them again and again, repeating over and over if someone got an ouchie or you went to play with a friend down the street. I just wanted to bring this up because when your sister is 2, and you are almost in kinder and she's following you around repeting what you say, I just want written proof that you did the same thing first.

I love you,
Mama.

Dude, It's August?

2008-08-05T14:31:00.001-07:00

Around this time of year, when I was a kid, I started to get both excited and sad. Sad, of course, because Summer break was ending and it was back to the daily grind of getting up early to go to school. At the same time, I was always excited to get back to that routine, and to see my friends, and yes, (I’m a dork) to learn something new. Of course as a teen, there were more perks to the end of Summer, like no more 40 hour work weeks, and generally a break as school was much more interesting than folding a wall of jeans.

This year, it’s kind of cool, because the closer we get to Thanksgiving, the closer I am to a ‘vacation’ from work and to see my little Frogger. But isn’t it crazy that it’s already August? Maybe because the weather hasn’t been super hot this year, it just feels like it came very quickly. In a few weeks it’ll already be Labor Day, then Halloween, then Veteran’s Day, and then I’m off! Whoot!

I love the Fall, I decided it’s my favorite season. I love going from holiday to holiday getting more excited each month for Christmas. I love the weather cooling off, long sleeve shirts and playing in the crunchy leaves as the fall from trees, but no rain yet. I love getting a hot cup of coffee (or hot chocolate this year) in the morning, and curling up with my Boogie to read a book while waffles are cooking or bacon sizzles on the stove. And I adore taking the dogs out for a walk, in my faux Uggs and a warm jacket, watching the sky change from inky blue to a hazy grey.

And I’m going to start Christmas shopping early this year, just in case, you know? I’m hoping to get creative and have some homemade gifts for the adults this time around

Heheheh

2008-07-29T15:55:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the hallway at work a few minutes ago, and two people were standing in my way. They each had their back to the hallway and were facing into a cubicle and an office talking, so rather than interrupt two different conversations, I turned sideways to slip between them.

OOps.

Didn't think about the fact that I'm bigger front to back, than side to side.

Month Twenty-Five

2008-07-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

Thirty minutes ago, we were outside in my parked car. I was cleaning old receipts and gym passes while you "organized" my car paperwork in the glove compartment and drew pictures. Twenty minutes ago, you were running out the back of the house, yelling for the dogs to come back inside and stop barking. Ten minutes ago, you called me "Mama china" (Mama cochina) when you thought I passed gas. And five minutes ago you crawled up into my lap as I was on the computer, and asked to watch You Tube. I started humming a song and rocking you, and within about 2 minutes, you laid your head on my shoulder, grabbed onto my pinky finger with your little hand, and fell asleep.

I can't imagine life getting any better than this.

We didn't get to see fireworks this year, as we have the past two years. They started around 9:30, but by 9:00 each night you were begging Papa and I to let you go to sleep. Quite a change from the little baby we brought home from the hospital who was awake from 11pm to 4am. Every night. For weeks. We did go to the fair though, and you were able to go on your first carnival ride, even though you were about 4 inches too short. Papa carried you on the train and sat with you, and you smiled to me each time you went around the circuit. You also won a red monkey playing the game where you shoot water into a little target, you sitting on Papa's lap, white-knuckled as you gripped the handle, and smiling like a clown when the Carnie offered your pick of stuffed animals.

This month we also went to an ultrasound to see your little sister. You were so well-behaved, even the sonographer was shocked that you sat so still for almost 15 minutes, munching on your popcorn and commenting on the baby pictures. "Wow" and "Baby aca" were the most frequent, and I don't think you got what we were really looking at until you saw her face and got so excited. You still kiss the pictures they gave us and now say "baby sister" when you see some of them.

Your sister has gotten into the habit of kicking you when we're sitting together, though I remember you kicking the dogs the same way when I was pregnant with you. You have been such a helper, and so understanding of Mama's energy and mood fluctuations. When I need to rest a bit, you are happy to entertain yourself, or just snuggle up with me a read yourself a book until the dizziness or fatigue passes. You've also started singing again, and request certain songs when you are going to sleep, or we are going for a walk. The best is "Twinkle, Twinkle" which you know most of the words to, and sing along with me. But it's a bad one to sing before bed, because we both end up cracking up by the end, at the sound of our duet.

Your two year check-up is tomorrow, so I don't know exactly how much you weight, but the scale at home sys 23.9 lbs, so we've done well the past few months. This month in particular, you've been wanting to eat quesadillas every day. And seriously, you'll have oatmeal for breakfast, three corn tortillas worth of quesadillas for lunch and dinner each, and oatmeal before bed. And massive amounts of fruit, especially since now after work we can go on a walk while we wait for Papa to get home, and pick blackberries from the bushes by our house. Though you call them 'popcorn' and I can see why, you are much neater this year eating them than you were last year. So my wish for you is that you remember these summer days picking blackberries and taking long walks, drawing with your chalk outside, and riding your little bike, and you remember what it was like to be a kid and not have the weight of the world on your little shoulders, like your Papa and I did when we were young.

But like I was saying, I can't imagine life with you getting any better. I know it will, you are more beautiful, intelligent, and loving, playful, kind, sweet, the best at hugs and kisses, and simply the most amazing little girl I have ever had the pleasure to know. I had no idea you'd be so much fun, I knew I'd love you but I never knew that I would like you so much! Thank you for choosing me to be your mama, I know I've said it before, but I feel blessed to have you in my life.

I love you,
Mama

Doctor's Visit Today Was Good...

2008-07-17T15:38:00.000-07:00

I’ve got a love/hate relationship with Google. On one hand, I love that fact that tons of information are at my fingertips, just waiting for an obscure idea to flit past my brain and lodge long enough for a little digging.

On the other hand, some of the stuff that you find can cause some serious panic to set in.

We found out on Tuesday that our ultrasound last week was abnormal. They had found a cyst on the baby’s kidney (and by the way, “Baby” is now “Frogger.” She looked like a little frog kicking around at the ultrasound today) and wanted me to come in asap for another scan and to speak to a genetic counselor.

I’ve been worthless the past few days. I couldn’t concentrate at work, I didn’t want to do anything but bake at home. I would snatch Boogie up in a bear hug for no reason as the tears streamed down my face, so grateful that I had my little girl there, and she was safe and happy and thriving, and simultaneously terrified that I might have to make a decision to terminate my pregnancy in the next few days.

See, Google told me that kidney cysts on a fetus could be nothing, or could be fatal. The doctor agreed, and though I knew the chances of Frogger having kidney disease in-utero was slim, there was still a chance. At least our worst case was ruled out today at the appointment, but we still don’t know exactly what this means.

Good news is there is only one cyst, and it looks like both kidneys are still functioning normally. I have to go back in 6 weeks for another scan to check the size of it, and there is a real possibility that Frogger will need surgery after she’s born to remove the cyst, but as long as she’s got one functioning kidney (and right now it looks like both are okay) then we should be good. The doctor said that this would be normal in a child or adult, but it is highly abnormal in a fetus.

And since there is nothing I can do about it, we’ll wait and see. Google did let me know that there are all kinds of treatments available, if needed, after Frogger is born, and that the prognosis is excellent since it has been caught so soon. I can’t even think about the bad stuff right now, dialysis or kidney transplants are not going to be floating around my head for the next 5 months, I can’t stress myself over something that I just don’t know yet. So hopefully this will be my last foray into this topic on Google, at least until my next appointment, and my last blog on the topic until Frogger is born and we find out what we need to do.

Booty Shakin' and Fake Ta-Ta's

2008-07-14T14:30:00.000-07:00

There is a reason I don;t let Boogie watch mainstream TV. Some people think I'm overly strict, some think I'm just weird, but I know how impressionable little kids are. I know how impressionable even adults are, and I didn't want to subject my angel to any self-criticism at such a tender age. Think she's too young? Think again....

Last night, as I was cleaning up after dinner, P put MTV on so Boogie could listen to music and dance to wear herself out before her bath. She watched a couple videos, and we watched her, laughing along as she shook her little diaper-clad bottom, hands on her hips or twirling in the air above her head.

She was having a great time, but suddenly stopped and picked up a whiffle ball and a small fist-sized basketball that were lying near her feet. She had been watching a Fergie video, which was sexual, but not overly revealing, in my mind. Boogie, my sweet, perfect, two-year-old Angel put the balls up her shirt like fake chi-chi's and started dancing again! She even stood up on the bench of her table, imitating the girls dancing on the tables in the videos.

OMG!

When they started to slip, she asked me for help, and I had to pick her up and tell her she was perfect just the way she was, then insisted we go take her bath and stop dancing. Because really? I'm a bit disturbed that my 2 year old notices all the women on TV have their boobs hanging out, and is trying to make hers bigger.

Sisters!

2008-07-11T08:02:00.000-07:00

I had my "big ultrasound" yesterday and found out we have another baby girl on the way!

Yessssssss!

I was really thinking it was a boy, but a couple weeks ago I started wondering if I was just mentally preparing myself for a boy, since I wanted another girl so bad, or I assumed it was a boy because my symptoms were so different than with Taryn.

No matter, the tech said he was "high 90's" when asked how sure he was, so I'm seeing PINK today.

P is ... not so happy. But he'll get over it, just like he did with Taryn, and be wrappd around her little finger within minutes of being born.

I'm beyond the moon with joy right now. As soon as I found out Taryn was a girl, I started dreaming about her having a sister. And now I have leverage for #3, if I want to try again (but don't tell P I said that!)

2008-07-09T07:46:00.000-07:00

The belt tightening is starting to infring on my pregnant belly.

Honestly, I feel lucky though, because we are not on the verge of losing our house, we have enough food, and can still afford gas for two cars. But those extras are gone, less eating out (sorry Figlet), less clothes (for those of us not growing four inches per year), and no vacation on the horizon.

This will sound stupid, because it's the opposite for many people, but our Stupid Spending of the last two years? That turned out to be out insulation from this whole economic crisis we've been thrown into.

Our budget is basically this:
Gross Income - Retirement, Taxes and Insurance = Net Income
Then,
Net Income - Monthly Bills - Food, Gas and Essentials = Disposable Income
Therefore,
Dispoable Income = What Gets Paid on the Credit Cards

Get it?

We've been dropping hundreds of dollars per month on our credit card bills to try to get them paid off sometime in the next year or so, since we were contemplating upgrading to a bigger house. But lately, we've been spending more on the "Food, Gas and Essentials" which means less on the credit cards, but really, we're still paying much more than the minimums each month.

So in a stupid, roundabout, and not entirely logical way, we haven't been affected so much by all this turmoil, except that it's going to take longer than anticipated to get out of debt. But really, doesn't it always?

This is my way of saying that I am very thankful that we made mostly sound financial decisions for the past few years and I feel lucky that we aren't struggling as so many others are right now. Things are tight, but things are always tight with us. A big squeeze has been that P's grandparents aren't working anymore due to crap health issues, so we are sending them money every month so they can buy food, etc. We had been supporting Jojo for the past year and a half, and the girl can eat! So there was another drain, not including what it cost us to get her up here, and our latest trip to Paraguay. Childcare, student loans, savings for maternity leave... it all adds up very quickly, but we have a plan, and that's all I can ask for.

I'm just seeing more and more self-employed people applying for benefits because they are filing bankruptcy, more and more homeowners who are losing their homes, young parents who can't affors insurance for their kids, older folks who needs medications and treatments, but can't afford thier own insurance premiums and copays.... it goes on and on. I try to stay positive, Obama will be able to turn things around for those who really need the help right now.

And that's all for this morning's rant. Thanks for tuning in!

The Faith of a Mustard Seed

2008-07-05T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today sucked.

I was up at 6:30, even though Boogie was still sleeping. His side of the bed was cold. He slept downstairs of his own volition, pissed off about something I had said the night before. But it was true. He's been home every night when she goes to sleep, aside from a handful of times, and I don't think he's done her book routine for the past year. He never wants to, and I gave up fighting him to do it. Like other things in her life that he knows nothing about, it's his own fault that he doesn't take the time.

He didn't like hearing that.

So Boogie and I went to the store, and couldn't find a single 10x13 frame. And we needed two for her photos. We had fun shopping though, rummaging at Target and Ross, but ended up getting back late and found Nana waiting outside for us. Second person that day my lack of awareness affected.

I was running late for the vet appointment but didn't stress too much because you usually have to wait at least 30 minutes to be seen. When I got there, I left a note that we were on time, and took them out for a nice long walk, strolling for about 30 minutes while soaking up the sun and just relaxing with my two babies.

When we got back, I put them in the car with the AC on, and went back in to check how long until their visit. Nobody was available, so I went back outside, since I had already asked for them to call me and tell me when to come inside. Then I realized that the clicker for my car doesn't work when the car is on. And the dogs were locked inside.

Third and fourth beings I screwed over today.

Called Nana, she left Boogie with a friend and came to try to help. We ended up calling that friend to come with her AAA to get the caar unlocked, and by then, it had already been about 45 minutes. So Nana put Boogie to sleep, and the friend and I chatted in the sun, a nice distraction from the f'ed up situation I was in, until she tripped over a rock, fell, and broke her arm.

FUCK. Fifth person that ended up in a worse situation...because of me.

While debating if I should call an ambulance or drive her to the ER in her car (while on hold with 911), the tow truck shows up and unlocks the door. Good for me, but then I have to drive her to Kaiser ER and I feel shitty for the whole situation, and for the fact that I can't go in and wait because I still have the dogs in the car, and we figured it would be better if Nana went to wait with her, and I went home to Boogie.

When I got home from the ER at 2, the vet's office called to say they were ready to see us. My appointment had been for 11:30. I'm looking for a new vet.

I was scared to leave the house to go grocery shopping, no idea what was in store for me next. So I took a short nap, got Boogie up, played and ate, and things were going okay until P comes home, obviously still pissed and makes a really shit comment how I should have been apologizing to the friend, since none of it would have happened if I hadn't locked the dogs in the car. And I had been, but him saying that broke me and I ended up in tears, cleaning the house in a blind rage so I didn't rip him a new one for being insensitive.

Now Boogie is still crying, not wanting to sleep. She dumped her sippy cup out in the crib. It's warm, I'm agitated but don't want to go downstairs near that man who I married. I had faith it would all be okay, and for me it was, but it seems like I made a lot of other people's lives hell today. Which, for me, is worse than if I had been locked in the car, then fell and broke my own arm.

Month Twenty-Four

2008-07-03T07:09:00.000-07:00

Happy Second Birthday my Love!

I've been looking at your photos for the last year, and although you look pretty much similar, your personality has blossomed into the most delightfully loving, funny, intelligent little girl I have had the pleasure of knowing. If I knew a year (and a week) ago that you would be this fun to be around, I may have wished away your infancy so that I could revel longer in this amazing period of discovery for you.

Just in the last month, you've learned to count to 10 in Spanish and English, and you know your body parts in English, Spanish, and everything from the neck-up (including eyebrows) in Guarani. You can match colors, you can name a hundred different objects that I don't remember even teaching you, and you mimic phrases, like "Oy!" that you learned from Mama, and "Tira pedo" that your lovely father taught you when you passed gas.

Sometimes I am just mesmerized watching you play, so imaginative, and I wonder what you are thinking. Your favorite lately is playing doctor with your stethescope from "Boo-boo Rescue" and you'll examine any injury anyone reports having, including a kiss to make it better. And you're willing to treat anyone, or anything, even strangers and animals. A lovely change from a year ago when you were more comfortable in Mama's arms, just observing the world around you.

One thing that people are continually amazed at is your tolerance for pain. On my birthday, you were outside playing with you cousins and fell and skinned both knees pretty badly while running. You did cry, but as soon as you were in my arms, you asked for Boo-boo- Rescue, and were tearless as I cleaned you knees, put antibacterial spray on them, and bandaged them up. And as soon as you were patched up, you were ready to play some more. Your Aunts and Uncles could not believe how the tears stopped the minute Boo-boo Rescue came out, and kept commenting how your older cousins would still cry like little babies with ouchies like yours. And yet, it didn't seem to phase you as soon as we were making it better.

Angel, I just have to keep telling you how much fun I have going out to play. In the last year, you have gone from timid and shaky on the playground to a complete monkey-nut. The minute we get there, you are either pulling me up the stairs to go down the slide with you, or running off any playing with the older girls, whom you had never met before, but all of them absolutely adore helping you climb up to play, and catching you at the bottom of the slide. Now, we can go on walks too, with you pushing the baby stroller I got you for your birthday, and stopping to pick flowers for your Tia and Jojo.

I can't wait to be able to take you to the Aquarium in Monterrey as well. I know you'll love seeing the "mish" and touching the animals there. But whenever I start to wish ahead of your life, I have to stop myself and remember to enjoy this age fully, because you will never ever be here again. And when I get sentimental about you growing older, you'll surpise me and fall asleep on the bed as I'm holding you, or run up and give me a big hug and kiss, and tell me you love me. You melt my heart.

My wish for you this month is that you are never afraid to express your emotions. I could go into the details and the whys of this wish, but suffice to say it's taken me a long time to figure out my relationship with the world, and for all my faults and issues, I think I've been able to salvage that core of my being because I was able to express to others how I was feeling. In most situations.

Okay, I know this letter is for you, about you, and only you, but I love how you've reacted thus far to me being pregnant too. I think a year ago you may not have been okay with it, but now when you see my bely you say "Hi Baby" and peer into my bellybutton, maybe hoping to catch a glimpse? You'll rub my stomach when we're sitting on the couch reading a book and say "Titi's baby," or "Good girl," and you are quick to bestow hugs and kisses to my bellybutton. I hope you love your Little this much after it is born, and I think you'll be very excited to see the ultrasound in a couple weeks. You may not be too stoked to share your room, but you've become so easygoing in the last year that I really don't anticipate too many problems. Aside from sleeping arrangements.

Boogie, I love you. I don't think you will understand until you have your own child how much your heart can swell looking at your offspring, but one day you will understand, and I'll be right there with you bawling, I'm sure. Happy Birthday my Angel.

Love,
Mama

Falling Behind

2008-06-27T07:53:00.000-07:00

Not really though. Boogie's 24 month letter is written, but photobucket is being a butt and I can't get pictures on it at the moment.

So sorry, but you'll just have to wait.

In other news, my child was possessed by a demon last night. She refused to go to sleep, and instead screamed hysterically for hours on end. I, being SuperMama, was the only one who could calm her down. Needless to say, I'm exhausted. In to bed late, up early, not a great combo for a pregnant woman.

I think I failed the test. If last night was a test of some sort, I definitely failed miserably. I lost my patience. I snapped at P. I was thisclose to shaking Taryn, but I knew it wouldn't do much more than make her more upset. I counted to 100...twice, once in English, once in Spanish, before I calmed down. But at least I know when I'm at the end of my rope, I can count. And maybe I should learn another language so I don't get too bored with the counting.

She's funny though, because when she was screaming, I told her in her ear to stop, and she did. But she had those body-wracking, haggard-breath sobs until I put her down in the crib, and even as I was walking out, I could hear her choking down breaths. I don't know if she just wore herself out, or got out whatever demon didn't want her sleeping, but right around 10:30, after 2 hours or rocking, singing, holding, laying down in bed, screaming, sobbing, and clinging toddler-hugs, for some reason she was ready to sleep.

Ay. I hope this isn't something new she's going to try every night.

No Such Thing As A Secret

2008-06-26T11:45:00.000-07:00

I know I do it sometimes too, but I always start to giggle when someone runs into my office at work and says, "You have to promise not to tell because I was sworn to secrecy, but..."

Like today, talking with a friend she sort-of hinted at a secret in the office. Happens to be a secret that I was told a while ago by someone who wasn't supposed to tell, and I think the same person told her as well. Ha. I figure she knows most of the gossip that I do, so it's usually safe to ask her if she knows anything new about a particular topic, without divulging any actual information.

But it's funny, because when I want to keep a secret, I don't tell a soul. If you don't tell me a secret, or I start to hear rumblings of something I already know about, yeah, I'm going to discuss it. But I'm pretty damn good at not spilling the beans when I know it's really important not to.

But this new one, I'm starting to wonder who doesn't know. And really, I feel sort of bad that a bunch of us are in on her secret, I mean, it's a pretty major juicy bit, but I still don't think she expected so many people to find out in such a short time. And probably all from the same person too.

The real trick is, and it seems obvious but is rarely followed: If you don't want anyone to know, don't tell anyone. Especially around here. News spreads like a bad rash on a hot day here, because obviously we have nothing better to do!

I'll Take What I Can Get

2008-06-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

After almost 8 years, I've given up the hope of changing him. I'm realizing that regardless of what I do, he's not going to be ready for it until he sees how he is hurting himself and the people who love him.

Maybe I am setting up a pattern by allowing him the easy way out. I don't insist that he apologize to me when he messes up, because it's fruitless. I allow him to apologize in his own way, by physically doing things, rather than verbally. As long as we are both aware that he messed up, I'm okay with that, because I know I can't make him remorseful. I could insist that he say he's sorry, and very often he does without prodding, but when those certain things happen, when he is intentionally mean or neglectful, I don't ask for an apology.

Maybe I should.

I know there are some things he will cop up to, some things he may be too ashamed to apologize for, and other things that his pride and his culture don't allow him to apologize for. But I know when he regrets his actions. And he makes an effort to make it up to me. I see the same thing in my brother, how he won't say he's sorry, but he'll bring over dinner. Am I wrong for letting them get away with that?

Wouldn't it be wrong for them to insist that I apologize in a way that is acceptable to them, as men, rather than what makes me, as a woman, truly show that I am sorry? Is there a difference between the two, other than interpretation of the actions? I'll take what I can get, and I feel satisfied for the moment that he has apologized, in his own way, which happens to be much more useful to me than a verbal plea for forgiveness. It would be nice to hear it more often, but it would also be insincere, because that's just not how he expresses himself.

I'm taking the good with the bad. All I can control are my own actions and reactions.

Delayed

2008-06-22T13:31:00.001-07:00

I can't bring myself to write a beautiful letter to my sweet angel this month, when things are crumbling.

I thought we were doing better. He's hiding something, some fear, or hurt, or anger, and I can't do anything about it because I don't know what it is. Maybe his way of dealing is to take care of my physical needs, and neglect my soul, but it's driving us apart and right now, I don't have the energy to change the dynamic.

I'm pretty sure it will be okay. I'm not positive, but I can't sacrifice myself, my mental health, my pregnancy or my daughter's happiness to heal him. I can't do all those things a wife "should" do, hoping it will make him happy, because beneath it all, there is still something I can't reach. There is something in him that will always make him miserable, and I'm not the one to fix it. I can't.

He can't be healed until he is ready to ask for help. He is spiraling downward, and my fear of him hitting rock bottom comes out in flashes of anger and spite. I don't hate him, I hate his inaction, his self-medicating, and his insistence on being close to me in a way that I can't reciprocate when I am hurting too. I'm scared what this means for us in the long run. It was bad a few years ago, and it's getting steadily worse. We have our reprieves, many weeks and months have been great, but I can't figure out the trigger that causes it all to come rushing back.

He agrees with my brother that I am weak for believing in God and studying psychology. They all think they are the masters of their own universes, but they are all fucked up in the head and can't see past their own BS. At least I am working on my issues, and I feel like I'm improving, but it's hard to maintain those changes under the stress of dealing with someone steeped in denial. I've found myself reacting to him lately, and I hate it. I hate letting him get to me, letting him hurt me, then punishing him for it. I'm not in a great state of mind now, and I don't want to subject my unborn child to these rushes of hormones and anger and hurt.

I don't want to take a step back and watch him drown himself. But I can't be so close and feeling so helpless and manipulated. Both sides of the fence have shriveled up crab grass, so I'm trying to balance on it, making my way South, or maybe North, somewhere else, anywhere else, until things get better. I'm not depressed, just stuck and scared, and waiting for the last stone to crumble so we can pick up the pieces and rebuild a life together.

And then this one time....

2008-06-19T10:23:00.001-07:00

I still remember my brother lamenting years ago, "Why can't he just be real with me? Who the hell does he think I am, some sidekick friend?"

We had been discussing a friend of his who wasn't doing well. This guy is someone we had both grown up with, and whom he used to be very close to, but due to a stint in jail and some broken bones, he hadn't seen him in a while. My brother was always pissed that people would be fake with him, when he asked "How are you," they would just reply "Fine, you?"

As I walk around the office and overhear, nay eavesdrop, on my coworkers conversations, I am shocked at how often I hear the same stories being repeated verbatim. The same exclamations, the same quotes, everything the same. And it's even worse when I've had a conversation with a person, and then I overhear them working what I had said into their conversation, as if it were their own words.

I'm not so narcisstic to think that the people that I converse with are only taking to me, it's an unrealistic thought, and frankly I don't want to be someone's sole source of venting. But honestly, I'm starting to feel like my brother and wondering how real are the conversations that I share with people, when they say the exact same thing to someone else 5 minutes later. Do people want eveeryone to know so much about them, or am I getting the same canned conversation that everyone else gets?

It's not everyone, but it's often enough to make me wonder why I make the effort to have genuine talks with people. When people ask how the baby is, I'll tell them the latest news, or how her night was yesterday, or something cute she did this morning. But I make an effort to be real, to tell people what's really going on, and to tailor it to their personality, as I relate to them. I try very hard not to have canned responses to people, and maybe that's why I'm not a social butterfly. Maybe if I faked it more, instead of trying to really be present when I am with someone (and of course, on the flip side of that, I am not-so-chatty when I am not feeling well), I would be more agreeable to them?

I guess if there was one "right" way to interact, we'd all be doing it. I am constantly amazed at how people change depending on the sitiation, especially to see how they act in different groups of people. I think it normal and quite functional to alter your personality slightly to accommodate your surroundings, and I don't know where this musing on conversation fits in there, but it's definitely fascinating to me. Like, do they realize what they are doing? Do I do the same thing? How has this action come about? What is it's evolutionary purpose? Is telling the same thing to multiple people some sort of processing mechanism, or is it simply a way to bond? What about when you tell the same thing over and over to someone, what is the purpose of that?

I don't know, but my head hurts, and my back hurts and I'm bored. Maybe I should go tell someone?

My 25th Year

2008-06-12T08:14:00.000-07:00

I’m a shy person. Extremely socially-phobic. May seem like BS for people who know me, but I get serious anxiety attacks when I am around a lot of people that I don’t know. I’m fine in groups I’m comfortable with, but strangers? No thank you. Mostly.

For most of my life, I feel like I’ve been chosen. Not as in The Golden Child special, but I’ve taken the path of least resistance and allowed my friends, schools, and style to be handed to me, because it was more comfortable than standing up for what I really wanted.

The one college that I really wanted to go to, UCLA, I didn’t get accepted. I got into other schools, Berkeley, Davis, Sonoma State and Spelman, so rather than make UCLA work in the future, I took the next best route and went to the one which offered the highest scholarship. Because really, how could I make UCLA work? I didn’t know anyone in LA. I didn’t have any friends going to UCLA. It’s not like I could move down to LA by myself and go to a community college, and try to transfer in two years, no way. Who did I think I was?

But really, Spelman wasn’t much more comfortable, but it was easier. I had a friend in Atlanta, and I wouldn’t’ have to pay much to go. And I didn’t want to stay in Northern California. High school wasn’t the best years of my life, and there were a lot of people and events that I was happy to leave far behind. So, the path of least resistance.

The group I fell in with there started with me and one other girl. We met smoking behind the dorms after lunch one day, and as the only smokers we saw in campus, it made sense that we would be friends. I had made other friends too, and slowly we formed this group, and it’s weird because I was the one who brought the group together, and the one who was ultimately pushed out. But maybe I isolated myself, by not dating boys on campus, by getting married toward the end of the year, and by loudly announcing that I hated Spelman and was leaving as soon as I could.

It wasn’t my scene. It was fun at first, the clubs and frat parties six nights per week, but I was always uncomfortable. Too many new people, and as my friends found boyfriends, and I was constantly rejecting advances because I had a fiance at home, I got pushed into a new group, the single people, the ones who couldn’t find a date, and the few guys who refused to date anyone but me.

But that’s just an example. For some reason this week, I’ve been thinking a lot more about my choices in life. Some things I felt forced into. Some I regret with every ounce of my being, though I’ve forgiven the people who pressured me, and myself for not fighting for what I knew was right. Some other things, I’m grateful for, because they ended up being positively life-altering. Maybe turning 25 means a new leaf, and I want to start making my own choices, not just doing what is easiest or most comfortable. I don’t want to take the path of least resistance anymore, and waste my life doing what other people want me to do.

But damn, it’s hard to change. It’s hard to make different choices when people expect you to act a certain way. It’s frustrating to have people constantly question you, inquiring what changed. It’s hard to step out of the comfortable little life you’ve made, and see if there is something new to discover. And it’s even harder when you’re obligated to your life. I love my husband, my kid(s), my house, but they are all obstacles to what I’m trying to do. I can’t go out to a bar and meet new people. I can’t go back to the old friends, the ones from before who still expect to see the old Aletta when I walk through the door. I can’t make any radical change and see where it leads me, because I love what I have, I’m just looking for the ‘more’ that I know is out there. And old habits are hard to break, even when you are dying to get out from under them.

But, we’ll see. I think this will be a good year. No more coasting, it’s time for me to get my ass back in the saddle, and see what I can do with myself.

Pill-Popping Monkey

2008-06-11T07:24:00.001-07:00

P came downstairs panicked the other day, Boogie in one arm and an empty pill bottle in the other hand.

Evidently my child, my Angel, had climbed up her changing table, sat on the pad at the top and dug around in the drawer right beneath her. She then proceeded to eat an entire bottle of Hyland's Teething Tablets.

He was freaking out, not sure if we should call Poison Control, or give her milk, or wait and see. I figured since the pills were homeopathic, maybe it would just help her sleep. Um, no. No such luck. We watched her to see if she had any reactions to it, and they didn't even slow her down. She was bouncing off the walls, throwing toys, being a scrawny terror after a packed weekend.

Last night, she was calling to me after I put her in bed, and I figured she needed water so I went in to check on her. She had one leg up on the rail of her crib, so I'm thinking it's time to get her a toddler bed soon, and secure all the furniture to the walls. Today.

Out of the Mouth of an Ass

2008-06-06T14:17:00.000-07:00

P: Babe, we're definitely having a boy this time.

Me: Why do you say that, all of a sudden?

P: You remember what Vic said about Ally being ugly in the face when she was pregnant with Jackson? That's you, all the way.

Me: WHA...?

P: No, Baby, I'm happy though! We need to have a boy this time!

Me: You suck.

Girly Bar-B-Que

2008-06-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

It's not that I wouldn't BBQ, but I don't know how. I've never got the charcoals going, or seasoned the meat for it so I'm not sure how it would work. Plus, I'd have to watch Boogie while I was cooking, and the thought of stoking the moldering coals with a child on my hip scared the heebee-jeebees out of me.

So last night, I was at a loss for what to make for dinner. I had been picking up meat and corn and potatoes and stock-piling the perfect BBQ meal, but I was missing the man to make it. So I got bold, damnit.

I decided to do a girly BBQ!

That may be really sexist, but I can say this, my oven BBQ tasted damn good, even P was surprised and said that I gave him a good idea next time he makes ribs or carnitas.

My little trick? I bolied the meat in seasoned water for like 20 minutes before I popped it in the oven. And I was literally working for maybe 20 minutes. Cut the ribs apart, put in the water, and boil. While I was boiling, I peeled the potatoes for the salad, cut them up and stuck them in water too. Then I shucked the corn, cut it up, wrapped them in foil with salt, pepper and a pat of butter. When the ribs finished boiling, I plopped them in a backing dish with a couple different BBQ sauces, and some extra spices, covered it, and stuck it in at 400.

After I put the meat in the oven, I took Boogie for a quick Safeway run for milk, eggs, and lettuce. When we got home I put the potatoes on to boil, turned the meat and left it in the the oven some more. When the potaotes were almost done, threw in some frozen veggies, the kind I like, and cooked a bit more, drained, then stirred in some mayo and salt. When the meat was almost done, I took the foil off for about 20 minutes to brown it. And when the meat was finally finger-licking finished, I threw the foiled corn in the oven.

Seriously, that was one of the easiest meals I've ever made in my life. And the meat was so tender you didn't even need a knife. I wish I had made more, so I could make a sandwich later, yummy! BBQ pulled pork with cheese. And I loved seeing P's face when I told him I BBQed or him, but when he took a bite, he was amazed.

Yay me!

Breakfast Dilemma

2008-06-02T07:44:00.000-07:00

So, the figlet has completely destroyed my ideal pregnancy: healthy food, excercise and rest.

My biggest problems with food are sort of stupid sounding, but really quite an obstacle to work around. I can't eat and drink at the same time, and I can't stomach sweet foods. Much.

Think on my pain for a second, will you?

No milk and cookies. No cereal. No soup. That's preactically what I loved on when I was pregnant with Boogie. No caffeine-free Coke with my pizza. No super-spicy food.

Okay, so I can deal. Takes a bit of maneuvering, but the kicker is the sweet food part. No Chinese food. No yogurt. No breakfast pastries. No oatmeal. Pretty much no breakfast unless I have time to cook (But because of the whole not-sleeping-at-night thing, I can't drag myself out of bed early enough to make real food). I'm living off sandwiches (but oh! Just heard I'm not supposed to be eating deli meat) so let's make that grilled cheese with tomato sandwiches, and real dinner food. Which sucks for breakfast.

I did figure out I can do sweet with salty, as in English muffin with butter, and half a yogurt. Or waffles with syrup and fried eggs. The "sickness" comes back if I don't follow these rules. How twisted is that?

And I think since I'm not eating enough, I don't have energy to exercise. And because I'm not exercising, I'm not sleeping well. Vicious, vicious circle.

Kick, Baby.... KICK!

2008-05-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, my figlet is now a tennis ball, or some equally odd size-comparison. Maybe a jumbo shrimp, or a longanista, or.... half eaten Snickers bar? Whatever (she) resembles, 3 inches is about the length now, and I would compare her to an unecxited male organ, but that just seems wrong on too many levels.

I was sitting in a booooring meeting today, not the Union one, because they at least serve pizza there (yay!) but a nit-pick one, where the old-timers show just how much they don't know about the programs they are working on. And I'm talking basic, basic info here.

So anyway, I'm bored, sipping my hippy water while the Help Desk guy explains things I'm flabbergasted that people will actually admit to not knowing. Stuff I learned my first week in training. Stuff you see everyday, deal with every day, and should be able to explain in your sleep.

Maybe because I was so uninterested, I started to notice a little gurgle-bubble rumbling in my tummy. Not up high like indigestion, and not down low like I'm going to have to take a walk down the hall where nobody is sitting, but right in the bladder-ish area where bubbles don't form. (Okay, where normal bladders are, mine is shoved deep down where no bladder has dared to go before....)

And I realized, My figlet was dancing! 3 inches of uncontrollable reflexes doing the jig at 13 weeks, this is what I've been waiting for. Real live proof that I'm knocked up, and God, I miss the feeling so much! The sickness is mostly at bay (for the last few days, anyway) and my pouch is growing, and best of all, the kid is kicking!

That's all. No touching unitl at least 24 weeks, okay?

;)

Bad News, and Something Good Too

2008-05-22T09:28:00.001-07:00

Well, the Mazda crapped out.

I knew it was bound to happen eventually, I've been incredibly lucky with mt repair record for the last 9 years, pretty much oil changes and tune-ups, tires, but nothing out of the ordinary so far. Late last week, the "check engine" light came on, and I was planning to drop it off soon at the repair shop to check it out, but, it didn't make it that long. I think she was angry that I was eyeballing other cars.

Wednesday morning P called me to say it kept stalling out and he got a ride to work from the neighbor. This morning we tried to drop it off, him driving and me following in the Camry, but it only made it about 1/4 mile, and we had to call a tow truck.

So, we'll see. I don't even know when they will have a chance to look at it, or how much more this little clunker is going to cost me.

P had to drop me off at work this morning, 2 hours before he has to be at work. He woke up early, got ready in 15 minutes, met the tow-truck guy, then came back to my job so I could drop him off at work and take the car to see Boogie at lunch.

Then, he validated my parking and bought me breakfast. What a doll.

Month Twenty-Three

2008-05-21T07:25:00.001-07:00

I was awoken this morning at 5am by the sound of a fussing toddler, not crying, but sort of moaning and sounding very uncomfortable. I tried to go in to get you back to sleep, but after 10 minutes of you peeking up at me through eyes barely closed, and knowing that I would have to be up soon after (and still feeling exhausted and nauseous from the night before) I brought you into bed with Papa and I, and your fuzzy blanket and we slept. I missed so much sleeping with you in the big bed, your soft snores and baby smell, the lavender from your lotion mingling with an over-ripe diaper. Your little hand curled up into a fist beneath my chin and your tiny knobby knees planted firmly in my stomach. The back of your neck was resting on my arm, and even when you started to sweat a bit, you snuggled deeper into the crook of my elbow when I tried to move away.

When you were little, we used to snuggle up for our afternoon naps. By then I was tired too, because your morning and evening naps I would cook, and clean the house while I was home with you, but when I went back to work you stopped sleeping with me except on the weekends, and soon that ended too because you fell madly (and exclusively) in love with sleeping in your crib. But now I know you can sleep with me, and I will take full advantage until your little brother or sister arrives.

Speaking of the little figlet, you have fallen into the most adorable habit this month of kissing each ultrasound picture on the fridge when we go downstairs to get your oatmeal in the morning, then spreading all your fingers wide apart and saying “Two babies!” Or when I’m laying down on the couch reading you a book you’ll pull my shirt up and say “Hi Baby!” You even sing songs to by belly, and rub the forming bulge, stopping every once in a while to give it a kiss. I have no doubt in my mind you will be a fantastic Big Sister. You’ve adopted a stuffed baby doll my aunt sent you who had a double chin and look snot quite right, but you refuse to sleep without her, your “Osie” and your blanket…. For every nap and at night too.

The blanket is getting a bit out of hand though. We had a heat wave this past weekend, it was 80 degrees at 6 am on Friday morning and we went to the Oakland Zoo. Maybe not one of my best ideas, the animals were all so hot they just slept in the shade and we didn’t get to see any lions or bears, and when we got home, dripping with sweat and exhausted at 1pm, you insisted on curling up with your blankie even though an hour later you woke up moaning, your hair drenched in sweat and a huge puddle surrounding your head like a liquid halo. And even then, you asked for your blankie again and went back to sleep. My wish for you is that you find a comfort object that can transition through the seasons, maybe a nice necklace or something that won’t interfere with your sleep, and that you can take out of the house with you when you need it.

I feel like I’m neglecting you lately, I am just so tired and sick it’s hard to get down on the floor to play with you. But then there are those times when you’re sitting with me and we’re just laughing and playing and I look at you and can’t believe that I ever had a part in making such a special little girl. I’ve been told that you love all your children equally, in different ways, but no more or less between them. But sometimes when I look at your smiling face I can’t imagine loving anything in the world more that you. I guess we’ll see, huh?

Happy (day late) 23rd month birthday, my Angel.

I love you,
Mama.

We're All Parents, Right?

2008-05-06T07:51:00.000-07:00

Teresa and I took Taryn to the Sausalito Faire on Saturday to get some fresh air and let her run around a bit. There was a stage set up on one side where this odd-ball was playing music and having all the kids act out the song and sing and dance and such.

The stage was shaped sort of like a U, it was a big square with two smalled rectangles sticking out on each side where the speakers were set up. And most of the parents had parted themselves in the lawn in front of the stage with a hot dog and a beer.

There were a few parents in the little space between the two rectangles, and I was standing on the outside edge of one of the rectangles with the speakes between me and Boogie shaking her thing up on the stage. At one point, a little boy maybe 4 years old fell over backwards off the stage and hit his head on the ground. There were two parents within arms reach of the kids who was lying on the ground sobbing for his mom, and they both just sat there looking at each other asking, "Is he yours?"

I stood there for maybe 5 seconds, scanning the crowd to see if his parents would go to get him, or if one of the parents right next to him would comfort him. But when I realized that nobody was making a move, I went all the way around the stage and picked him up, asking him where his mom was sitting.

The two parents were asking me, "Is he yours?" and all I could do was snap, "No, but he's still a child." I was so furious that they would just sit there a let a hurt little kid cry, not lifting a finger to help or comfort him, or even to find his parents. When he saw his mom and ran to her, I snatched Boogie off the stage and stormed away.

Now, I don't want to make a racial generalization here, but I really feel that had we been in a group of minorities, someone closer to the kid would have picked him up and helped him find his mom. It's sad to me that parents have become so disconnected from others that they can sit and watch a child cry, and have no reaction to it. Or that people have become so scared of lawsuits that they won't interfere to help someone who is hurt.

So that was my pissy moment for the weekend. I still can't fathom sitting and doing nothing, or being a parent so involved in my own life that I don't see my own kid get hurt. And now I totally don't trust leaving my kid anywhere without my supervision, because who knows if someone will find me if she gets hurt?

While watching Cloverfield....

2008-04-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

Me: You would go back and get me right?

P: Yeah...no.

Me: What if I was pregnant?

P: Then I'd think about it.

He still thinks he did a lot more than he really did.

2008-04-21T10:18:00.001-07:00

P: So are you getting an epidural this time?

Me: No...

P: What the F*ck?

Me: Well, I already know I don't need one, and anyway, think about all the problems it could cause for me and the baby!

P: You're having this one alone, this time.

Me: Yeah, because you totally pushed Taryn out for me, right?

P: Exactly.

Month Twenty-Two

2008-04-20T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well Baby-Love, you are officially twenty-two months old today, which may not seem like a big deal, but think about it. You got your first haircut this month, you were weaned, gave up your binkie and rode a pony for the first time. You are like, almost a teenager already!

Sweetie, I wish I could write a nice long letter to you, but this morning sickness caused by your little brother (I think...we'll see) is kicking my butt. I feel awful, and I know this may just be the first of many reasons you'll ask me to return it once it's here, but you have been a doll for Mama when I'm sick, giving me the biggest hugs and kisses, and brushing my hair for me.

You have also been into destroying the house too, dumping piles of everything everywhere, and to be honest, I'm just too tired to keep cleaning so the house is a mess. But I think it's fun for you, like an obstacle course or something. Plus, you keep finding random Cheerios on the ground and hold it up proudly yelling, "Cheerio!" (or maybe cereal, they sort of sound the same out of your mouth) and you pop it in before I can dive off the couch to grab it from you.

We got you a new "car" too, your jogging stroller that you love riding in, though I have unfortunately been too sick and tired to take you out much, but next month, I swear, we'll be out and about hiking (no running) a few times a week. You're adorable in it, with your little feet kicked up on the snack tray, your water bottle cozied up next to your belly. And you're pointing out everything you see now, a car, an autobus, cocos, puppy's babies... I love it.

Baby, considering the circumstances, my wish for you this month is that when you grow up, if you decide to have kids (after college, and a house, and a loving partner have been secured) I hope you don't have morning sickness. And if you do, I hope it isn't too severe, and that it's limited to one part of the day, not all day long like Mama's. And I hope your loving partner is as fantastic as your Papa has been, cooking and letting me sleep for hours on end... in the middle of the day.

Only two more months and you'll be two! I'm planning your birthday already. And Sweetie, I really loved when you called me Mommy. What's up with the Mama again now?

I love you.
Mama

Morning Sickness Sucks

2008-04-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

Especially when it's not limited to the morning hours.

But, I am grateful for some sort of physical proof that I am actually knocked up, since I haven't seen the little booger, or heard it's heartbeat yet. And the Doc said if you have morning sickness, you are much less likely to miscarry, so for that, I am very grateful.

Yoo-hoo! Universe? Are you listening?

2008-04-11T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've wondered a lot if a person can be unlucky, or just lacking luck? I don't want to call myself unlucky, tradjedy does not befall me at every step, and I'm thankful every day for the health and safety of me and my family and friends... BUT.

I am most definitely lacking in the luck department.

I still haven't won anything. Remember November 2006? Six months after my daughter was born, and I managed, even through traveling to the Appalachians, to post every single day in that month on this blog. I know you remember, right? You may also recall that I won! I won a prize! And then let's also recall the fact that my prize was never mailed to me. Ever.

And the crappy-est part is that I'm surrounded by people who are receiving massive blessings-in-disguise and money. Money, you hear? That's what I'm wating for. To my pals who burned down thier kitchen and got a complete remodel and the rest of the house painted for $1000? I'm happy for you. And Tere and P who each had/will have 4 month paid severace (aka vacation) plus unemployment to look for a new job, that's awesome. And Mom, I'm sorry your car got totalled, but damn! That was a nice check they gave you for a new one!

So now I ask: what about me? Mr./Ms. Universe, I'm totally waiting here. I would love a new car, or a paid vacation (and no, maternity leave does not count because I'm only paid for half, and it is faaaar from a vacation), or even just a nice chunk of change because.... well, because I'm me. And I think that I deserve something nice once in a while. Something that I didn't buy for myself, or ask P to buy for me.

The last thing I remember winning was Dumbo and Cinderella VHS's at Disneyland. When I was like 7. And it was my mom's winning ticket she gave to me, not even mine. And karma? Dude, I've been totally beng nice to people, letting them merge in front of me, and helping little old ladies cross the street... Okay, not that last one, but I always say hi to the old lady next door and bring her cookies when I bake.

So please? Can I get something for nothing? Or something BIG for verry little?

Sincerely,
Aletta C

To Help Me Remember Loving Guidance

2008-04-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

I was having a conversation with myself this morning (nothing new there) trying to figure out why I thought that I am a good mom. The phrase that kept running through my mind was "She's happy, healthy, and I love spending time with her." Nothing else.

I couldn't quantify the things that I do for her, putting her needs in front of my own, the money spent or any other countable list of perks she enjoys by having me in her life. And it's not that I don't, but from various conversations and articles read in the last week, and contemplations on how the heck we are going to make it all work with 2, I don't think those material things or self-sacrafice necessarily make a person a good parent. They definitely come along with the job, but I judge myself as a parent based on how my daughter lives in the world. If she's thriving, that means I'm doing a good job.

When I was pregnant with Taryn, I think a lot of people probably questioned my ability to take care of another person. I wasn't the mother hen of the group, and while I enjoyed my friends' kids, there would come a point when I just had enough. And it's funny, because I still feel that way about other people's kids, sometimes I just don't want to hear them anymore, but I don't with Taryn. I think that's a fault many parents have, excusing their own child's annoying habits and attacking other parents when their kid does the same thing, but I've striven to help Taryn be a child that people like to be around.

Some people are rude and call her a brat, but those people have unrealistic expectations for a toddler. Some people have issues with some of her more agggressive actions because they don't realize that it's developmentally appropriate and they don't see their children taking equally aggressive actions towards her. And then there are other people, like my brother Jeff, who simply adores her. And even though I think he expects a lot from her, I see her rising to those expectations and becoming an even more engaging, charming, intelligent, manually dexterous little girl because she has loving guidance in her life.

And I realized that having expectations for your child, helping him or her to become a good person, caring enough to tell her when she's doing something wrong, teaching him how to act around other people, these are all major parts of being a good parent. It isn't enough to give them what they want, to make sure you have enough toys and a fully-funded college education. It isn't enough to have your kid decked out in brand-name clothes and doing tons of extra curricular activities.

I think I'm a good parent because I'm trying to instill values in my daughter, to teach her an honorable way to live, how to express herself without hitting or biting, to listen to someone of authority when they tell her not to run in the street, to love books, and foster her creativity and teach her to be compassionate towards others and be kind to animals. To generally be a good person. That's what I want for her, and that is what I am actively teaching her. And I try to surround her with people who will continue that teaching with her and show her other ways of living and new foods and meet new and interesting people.

She's Totally Cool with Scissors by Her Face

2008-04-07T07:18:00.001-07:00

We took Boogie to get her hair cut this weekend. For the first time. I thought she wa going to freak out, having a stranger put a sharp object that close to her face, but she didn't seem to mind at all. She watched the scissors for a few seconds, then just looked down at her smock and watched the hair tumbledown the plastic. I kept a handful for her baby book, and we took a lot of pictures with our phones to capture the scene because it was a spur-of-the-moment stop at Super Cuts.

Next tinme though, we are going to take her to a real hairstylist (for kids) because this woman cut her hair super short in the back, and P was pissed when we left because he said she looks like a boy again. But Boogie was funny, because this morning before I brought her down to Jojo, she grabbed a ski hat and refused to take it off to she her hair off! I think it's cute though, she looks like a little pixie.

After Super Cuts we brought her over to the Farmer's Market and she got to ride her first pony! She had a death grip on the rope and her knuckles were turning white she was holding it so tightly. She seems to have fun though, she was smiling and petting the pony's neck, and the guy leading it took us around a few extra times, so she got a nice long ride.

Why I Need a Female OB This Time Around

2008-04-02T19:14:00.000-07:00

So when I went to the Doc yesterday and asked what I can do about morning sickness, and he said not to force myself to eat solids. It's fine it I could only keep liquids down because...

"You have enough reserves to last the first couple of months."

Nice.

Not Up for Negotiation

2008-03-27T07:13:00.000-07:00

Yep, that's what I told P last night. He made some smarmy comment about my disappointment that I wasn't pregnant this cycle, some BS that I was sad because that was my one chance to trick him into having another one.

So I simply told him that I am having another baby, with him, and he needs to get used to the idea, because I'm not asking permission, and it's not up for negotiation.

Ha. Bet he didn't see that one coming. And yes, that is exactly what I told him, practically word for word.

The funny thing was, once I said it and we talked some more about why he was still hesitant and why I wanted so badly to have another baby so soon, he almost seemed relieved that I had very concrete reasons for my decision (yay Blogger!) and my mind was made up. He even said he'd be happy to have twins, because then he'd know I wouldn't want anymore after that.

(We'll see...)

There are very few things in our marriage that I am absolutely set on, refuse to budge, and make my opinions very super-clear. This is one of them. I choose my battles knowing that I can't get what I want every time, so I stick to what is important to me and in the long run, I know he will be happy that we did it this way.

We were talking about all the places we wanted to travel to, bemoaning the fact that we won't be able to go for many years, but it will be so much more special to be able to share it with our kids. Spain, Italy, South Africa, Alaska, England, India, Thailand, New York.

I can't wait to be 30! Hehehe.

Babies on the Brain

2008-03-26T15:03:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay. I'll have time to obsess about babies when I'm pregnant next time. In the words of a friend yesterday, "Why are you rushing it?"

So here are my top 10 reasons I want to be pregnant by Summer:

1. Energy. I just don't see myself as a 30-something running around after a toddler.

2. Spacing. If the next one is less than 3 years younger than Boogie, they have a better chance of being friends, getting to play together, and growing up together. I don't want one kid leaving high school before the other one is out of middle.

3. Sleep. I'm lacking sleep now, not quite deprived, but I'd rather not get used to full nights of sleep, then go back to getting up every few hours to nurse.

4. Money. Yep, we're pretty much broke right now. I don't really want to get used to having money again, then shelling out thousands of dollars per year for child care, diapers and toys again later.

5. Jojo. The girl is going to grow up one day and want to get married. I told her she can't leave until I have anoter baby, and both kids are in school, at least part time, so see? I'm trying to help her out too.

6. Body. I'm so not motivated to get in shape when I know I might gain 40 pounds by the end of the year. Better to pop them all out in a row, then get my ass in shape.

7. Space. Two kids close in age, even opposite genders, can share a room. I'm not going to be cruel and make my 10 year old daughter share a room with her 5 year old brother. I could, but that would suck for both of them.

8. Marriage. Having a young child is a strain on my realtionship with P. I'd hate to drag that out over years and years.

9. Travel. I'm dying to take trips with my kids, show them all the amazing things the world has to offer, but I'm not doing it with little babies. I want them to be old enough to somewhat appreciate the different cultures, to be able to go more than 5 hours wihtout a nap, if needed, to be out of diapers so I'm not lugging a pound of wipies wherever we go.

10. Mood. I love being a Mommy. I loved being pregnant. Two will be harder than one, but I know the good outweighs the bad, and I'm willing to sacrafice my social life, partying, cute shoes, etc, to be a Mommy a second time around.

The more I think about it, the better I think it is to have them close in age. I'm good with consistency. If I consistently don't sleep, don't have a clean house, and don't have money, I'm fine with that. But going from one extreme to the other, then back and forth a bit is too much for me, I think. We all choose to do it differently, but I'm glad I started young, and I hope to be finished by the time I'm 30.

Where I Ramble Emotionally About Marriage

2008-03-25T07:20:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to wrap my head around the feelings I have when a couple splits up. Part of it is fear, how can P and I expect to maintain a marriage if they couldn't do it? Part of it is worry, because what if they are making a mistake? Did they go to therapy? Did they try hard enough to work it out?

And part of it is envy. To be willing to do something like that to make each other happier. I don't think P and I are mature enough for that.

I'm not talking about envy in the sense that I wish I were single, I can't imagine having to deal with the BS of dating again, of searching, waiting, and in the end having the same issues that we have now. I like the routine we have in our lives, I like the challenge of breaking out of that routine every once in a while to do something exciting, but then to be able to fall back into the comfort of a long-term relationship.

But I envy valuing myself enough to take that plunge into the unknown (though for this particular couple, who were married later in life and already knew the single life, I guess it's not really unknown), to give up so much that I had worked for in the last few years to start over, hoping for something better. I don't doubt that they still love each other, but it wasn't working, and they decided to call it quits.

At times I have thought it would be easier to be single, to do it alone, and do it my way, but I'm willing to sacrafice control in order to maintain what we've built together. The rough times have thus far been temporary. Yes, there are lingering issues, but when I took my vows I meant them. I'm not giving up without a fight.

In the larger context, I think that a lot of people are giving up too soon. This isn't a judgement, because there is no way I will ever know all the dynamics of the relationship, I can never know all the bits and pieces they brought to their union, and how hard they fought to make it work. I do know that a lot more people are getting divorced now compared to 30 years ago. I do know a lot of children are suffering the loss of a parent.

And I also know that the divorce process is easier than trying to work it out.

But I'm bummed out. I never saw it coming. I thought they were one of those quirky couples who, although very different from each other, they were madly in love after all these years, and they were going to stay together forever. I keep coming back to it in my mind. All week it's beein weighing on me, and not just this couple, but others as well, it's like a wave crashing over us and some couples are being washed apart by it.

And I wonder how deep P and I's roots are, what our foundation has been built on that has held us steady for so long. What would be the stressor that breaks us? Our marriage is riddled in conflict, but somehow we've been able to get past the obstacles. Us. Both children of divorce. Is it our pasts that make us unwilling to give up the fight? Is it Boogie that softens us to change? What the hell is it that casuses some people to divorce, and others to stuck together?

What is it?

Have You Seen My Evil Twin?

2008-03-21T16:13:00.000-07:00

I don't know her name, but she's dying to get an ultra-modern short haircut, paints her nails blood red, wears plunging necklines, and drives a new car.

I'm worried her thoughts are polluting my mind.

Help.

I can't afford her!

T plus 36 hours

2008-03-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

So yeah, it's been a day and a half since we cut Boogie off the boob, and all is well.

I was sort of dreading last night, thinking that she'd be begging for it, and then I'd have to get another bra smelling like vinegar, but as we were downstairs finishing up her oatmeal (goodness...oatmeal has become the bane of my mornings) she looked at me quite slyly and said:

"Mommy, chichi. Ouchie. Noni"

And gave me a kiss on the boob, then grabbed her Good Night Moon, pointed upstairs and said, "Go."

So, no requests. And we're doing okay. I'm a little uncomfortable, but a year ago, I would have been in agony going this long without nursing. And yay! I have pre-baby boobs right now! I don't know how long they will last, but I'm thinking of going to the beach or something if the weather gets above 65 this weekend.

And! She slept through the night. SHe was up for oatmeal, which is the next big hurdle to jump, but we're okay with the weaning. I don't feel too sad, more liberated than anuthing, and though I'll probably miss ir soon, I feel good that we lasted this long, and I'm glad she's okay giving it up too.

Month Twenty-One

2008-03-20T09:50:00.000-07:00

Sweetpea, do you know what you have driven me to? Vinegar. On the goodies, capice? Last night, I decided that you've had run of the boobs long enough. For the last thirty months, you have controlled what I've eaten, drank, how much I slept, and when I can shower. But Love, no more.

I expected screaming, tears, pinching, kicking, a full-blown hissy when you realized no more chi-chi. But the truth? You didn't seem to mind much. I tried apple cider vinegar first, hoping not to shock to much more awake than you already were, but I guess it's on the sweeter end of the spectrum, and after an initial look of surprise, you kept on nursing. So then we went with red wine vinegar, and after one small tatse, you simply said "No chi-chi."

Then I told you that Mommy's chi-chi's had an ouchie, and no more milk, so you gave one a kiss, and asked for oatmeal. And that was the end of it.

Ohmigod.

I think we were both ready. You wanted to nurse for hours, presumably because you can't squeeze blood from a rock (but you don't know that yet) and after months of two to three times a day, there just wan't much left. The well has run dry, and Mommy is ready to get a tattoo.

So that was yesterday. The rest of the month? Talking. And jumpin. You had already started saying your two word combos a few months ago, mostly things like "Puppies, NO!" and "Agua, please" and "Mas chi-chi," and in the past week or so you've really started expanding your sentence repertoire. Now we her things like, "Mas cheese, please" and "You move aca" or "Please, oca (outside) coco (bird)." My favorite? "Sorry (sign language), no bite." Plus a kiss. How could I not forgive you for taking a chunk out of my shoulder?

And it takes me a minute to figure out what you are syaing sometimes, because Honey, you speak 3 different languages, plus throw in some signs and I'm just not on the up and up with everything that you know. I'm old, and slow, and you're just way too quick for me.

I also got you a chair booster, so you can sit at the table with us to eat. You had a pillow on a chiar for a few weeks, but kept sliding around, or getting stuck, and the pillow was nasty from the food dropping on it, so I figured this was the best way to go. It's fun, it traps your legs under the table and you can't push back from the table anymore to stand up and look out the window. Score!

You also went to your first wedding a few weeks ago, and had a blast chowing down, being passed from aunt to tio to cousin, playihgn with the kids, dancing "conga
like your Papa taught you on the bed, and finally passing out into a deep slumber hours past your normal bedtime. You were a hit, everyone talked about how well behaved you were, how adorable, and sweet, and even when you baurned your finger on a standing heater, you barely cried after we put a cold beer on it.

We're not bad parents, Jojo's friend was holding you when you got burned, and you kept trying to eat the ice we put on your finger first, and the only other available cold item was beer. It's called Make-Do Parenting.

In the store the other day, you were picking up Easter baskets and handign them out to the customers walking by in the store. You're getting over the stranger danger phase, though you are still a bit hesitant in new situations, you will now approach strangers, let people you haven't seen in a while hold you, and kiss random babies.

So my wish for you this month Angel, is that you always find a baby to kiss when you need one. It's such a lift, teh sweet smell, and innocent face. I hope you become someone to loves kids and isn't afraid to show your affection, because it'a appreciated by those aorund you.

I love you,
Mommy.

Hairless

2008-03-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

P shaved his goatee and mustache off the other night. Ever since, Boogie has been saying "ouchie" whenever she sees him, and kisses his chin like he hurt himself.

Sappy Anniversary Blog

2008-03-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

Yep, it's been six years, and I've sort of exhausted all those lovely "how we met" stories and "why I love him so much" raves.

Can you tell? It's a few days past the big day, and I'm just now getting around to writing about it. Our night was mediocre, we had dinner at a place with great food, but crappy service. He did buy me my favorite perfume, Issey Miyake, and bought himself the men's version because he knows I love it.

I guess after six years, it's the little things that make all the difference. It's the BBQ when I'm dying for smoking carcinogenic goodness, and staying up with me until 1am to watch a dumb movie when he's exhausted and has to work the next morning.

It's waking up at 3am to feed Boogie her oatmeal and put her back to sleep, so that I can get my 8 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep.

It's agreeing to have another baby, although he dreads the idea of more sleepless nights, food battles, and early mornings. Because he knows nothing else in the world makes me as happy as seeing our beautiful baby girl.

After six years of marriage, we're still figuring things out. At 18, I had no idea that it would be this hard, that it would take this much work, that I could be completely miserable one night, and maniacally joyful the next morning.

But I am. We are. And I'm glad we chose each other to learn from.

Happy Belated Anniversary, Punkin.

On Friendship

2008-03-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you grow apart as friends, and there is an awkward period while you redefine the relationship. If things go well, if we are okay with change, we come out on top with a relationship just as strong, or stronger, than the one we started with.

Some people start out not wanting to be friends, and somewhere along the road realize that we have a lot in common, that we can learn from each other, and grow into a natural comfort with each other.

And some other times, no matter how much you want it to work, it just doesn't. Some times we want different things. Sometimes I can't make the commitment to nurture another friendship, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting enough in return for the effort I'm expending. Often I feel like the one waiting to be granted admittance to this exclusive club, to become a friend, rather than just an acquaintance, but I'm not okay waiting anymore, so I give up and stop trying, and the friendship melts into a fond memory of the past.

Whatever path it takes, I'm learning to be okay with it, rather than fight for what I want, I'm trying to allow it to happen as it is meant to be. It's hard to let go of what I want, but sometimes it's not what's best for me.

Terible Two's in FULL EFFECT

2008-03-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Oh my Sweet Jesus. If I said 10 things to Boogie this morning, 8 were "NO!" Sprinkled of course with a few, "Don't play with that, please" and a "Where did you find that?"

Another phrase getting more and more common is "Don't climb on that [...] or else..." as in "Don't climb on that bookshelf or else you're going to fall and break your neck" or "Don't climb on that dog or else he's going to bite you again."

I'm exhausted. I think maybe it would be more bearable if it didn't start at 5am. After a 1:30 am alarm clock of "MAMA! OATMEAL!" And just for right now, I can't think of having two kids. Prayers are oozing out my brain that she'll be over this whole testing limits thing by the time I have another one. And that I'll learn a better way of handling it.

Which normally, I think I'm pretty patient, good at re-directing and finding things she can explore, rather than just saying NO to everyting. But it's hard to get ready in the morning and watch a toddler without any help. At. All.

But. I also know that I'm being tested right now, by both P and Boogie, and I need to stay firm, set limits, and redirect both of them to acceptable activities. It's short term, at least in the sense that this particular phase for both will end sometime, probably right when I get the hang of dealing with them, and then I'll be presented with a new challenge.

Such is life.

I'm off to research how to get this kid off the boob, and to sleep in later than 5:30am.

Just Like Papa

2008-03-10T11:40:00.000-07:00

My husband has this weird thing about hair. If he finds one in his food at home, he'll dump the entire plate of food, instead of just scooping out the portion around it.

And then he'll serve himself more, and I don't exactly get it, because if he's so icked by hair (mine, or his, or the dogs') wouldn't the hair have infected the entire pot of food, and not just what was on his plate?

The thing that worries me is that lately Taryn has been having issues with hair too, mostly mine, but sometimes her own. In the bath, she sort-of starts freaking out if a hair is floating in her water, or gets stuck to her body. She does this "Eh-eh-eh" sound with the body part stuck out towards me until I find the offending hair and remove it from her sight.

She also does that in the car, if a hair is on her carseat she makes that same weird little sound and I have to figure out backwards in the rearview mirror where it is, and then get the bugger out the window.

Because if I drop it on the floor, or wipe it on my pants leg, she screams. A terrible, eardrum shattering screach and that banshee yell makes it physically impossible to drive, so not only and I frantically searching for the hair, I can't focus on where the car is heading. It's a recipe for disaster.

But I guess she hates peas too, which I blame on myself, so maybe the silver lining here is that she'll be plucking her own unibrow by 2nd grade, instead of me having to do it?

Weekend Update

2008-03-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

Today I sneezed, and Taryn said "Bless You."

Well really, it was more like "beshhh booo" but I knew what she meant. What a smart girl.

And also, so now says picture, computer and okey-dokey.

She also won $12 playing Super Lotto on Saturday. More than I've ever won playing, so I hope she gets lucky and can fund her own college account because....

I'm officially addicted to Gymboree. At least the clearance racks. So FN adorable, I spent 2 weeks worth of grocery money on new clothes. So if Boogie and I *happen* to show up at your door around dinner time, now you know why.

Em. I think that's all. Except, whatever happened to the Weakest Link show? Replaced by 1 vs 100?

Fear

2008-02-26T07:58:00.000-08:00

It's hard to really live when you are always afraid of making a mistake.

It's hard to go about normal life, like buying a damn stroller, when you are second guessing yourself all the time.

It's hard to be in relationships when you are always scared of being left, scared of hurting someone, and ultimately scared that maybe you should be somewhere else with someone else, but then again ... what if you shouldn't?

I've been living with persistent fear for a long time, and my solution to that fear was to try to control everything in my power. For a while it seemed like it was working, and then I got married, and had a baby, and the past 2 years have been a series of upheavals for me, a constant stream of information from the Universe that I am not in charge, that I have never been in charge, and that I need to get on board with it.

Okay. I can handle that.

But damn, letting go is so hard! I know some people have trouble being responsible, because thay throw their entire souls into having fun. That's what I need to work on. Letting go, and letting God handle it. Enjoy my time here on Earth, not worry about the house being neat, or the clothes getting folded, or every case off my desk by Friday at 4pm. The world will not stop spinning if I don't buy P's anniversary gift two weeks early, and look! We ran out of milk this morning, and Boogie is still alive!

Okay, enough dramatics, but really. I need to remember that sometimes it's better to have P mess it up the first time, than to do it all myself.

Asparagus

2008-02-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the only way to get online with a toddler is a split screen. So as I'm blogging here and shopping online at gymboree (woo-hoo $50 in gymbucks, but these 2t clothes better last a loooong time at the rate they cost) Boogie is perched on one of my legs watching a baby break dance and a dog do tricks to that "Grease" song. She's boogying down with her headphones on.

Weird things people teach their dogs in the Midwest.

Anyhow, I was really coming to put up a quick post that Boogie was eating raw asparagus last night, and the stinky pee gene? She doesn't have it, thank goodness.

(This was supposed to be short, but steadily got longer and longer...)

2008-02-21T15:28:00.000-08:00

Is it weird to pray in the shower? My life is so loud, so hectic, to scattered, that sometimes I feel like the only time that I have to myself, that I won't be interrupted, is when I shower before bed. I don't pray when I'm washing to goodies, that's just a bit weird to me, but the sound of the water hitting the tub drowns out the madness of the world around me and I feel like I can be centered and focused and talk with God.

The truth is, when I try to pray in another setting, I lose focus. My mind wanders, or I'm interrupted, and so I've really come to love my time in the shower, just me and the cat, sitting on the toilet lid meowing (I think she's scared I'm getting hurt by the water...like she does), and my thoughts.

One of the things me and my God have been discussing the past few nights is patterns. I've been perplexed for years that it is so easy to recognize patterns in other people, and so difficult to see them in oneself. My biggest struggles in life have been how to break myself of certain patterns, in thoughts, actions, and more importantly, reactions.

Like very recently, I heard a statement from someone and even though I knew it had nothing to do with me, I was still bothered by it. These patterns jumped out at me and I was pissed at what was said, but rather than react to it, I mulled it over for a few hours and realized that it's not fair to anyone for me to hold someone accountable for something that they are probably not aware of. Capice?

For instance, if you have a client who keeps promising to get something done, every time they are coming up on a deadline they ask for more time, more time, always just a little bit longer because life is in their way, at what point do you deny their benefits? Can you fault someone who is so focused on survival that maybe they can't grasp the importance of returning a paper to you, or filing for unemployment, even though you've told them they can't have benefits without it? And when you deny them, and they reapply, and you get stuck in that same dance again... I can csee the pattern, but THEY cannot. How to you make someone aware of a pattern that is damaging to themselves, and that sometimes is hurting the people aroudn them? How do you explain to a homeless single mother that unless she goes to child support, she can't have her cash grant?

Another thing God and I have been discussing is when it's appropriate to open my mouth, when to keep it shut, and the wisdom to know the difference. Or something like that. I hesitate to tell people what I notice because I don't want to be offensive (or hello! a freaking hypocrite) but am I doing them a disservice by keeping it to myself?

Ah, so many questions, so little time. Good thing I shower every night.

(almost)

Month Twenty

2008-02-20T19:23:00.001-08:00

Hey Sweets, Happy twenty-month birthday!

At this exact moment, you are in the bathroom, wrapped up in a towel while your Papa brushes your teeth. In a second, he'll bring you in here so I can hold you while he puts your lotion on. Then it's butt-cream, oatmeal, Goodnight Moon, milk, and sleep.

Ah.

Of course if anyone heard you telling them your bedtime routine, it would sound more like: "bu-creeeeem," "o-meeeee," "booooog," "te-te," and "noni." A friend asked me the other day if "memo" was Spanish or Guarani. At first I had no idea what she was talking about until I realized she was trying to figure out what language you say tomato in.. which is toddlerese, I guess? "Memo" is tomato, "boo-bee" is blueberry, and "coco" is bird, but I think most other things you say are pretty clear, and Darling, you are a chatter box. On the say to Safeway this afternoon, you were yelling "Coco!" every few second when one flew through the sky.

You also aren't quite over Happy Birthday yet, and now instead of just "happy" you also sing along to the "birthday to you," and the name of whoever it is. Normally Taryn, sometimes Boogie, and in the last few days "Tio." Everyone is Tio now, La Tia, the neighbor, pretty much anyone you don't have another name for.

Gymnastics is over for a few months, and the last day of class you were giving everyone hugs and a kiss for teacher Michele. For the most part, you are pretty shy right now, hanging back when we get in a crowd of people that you don't know. But within 10 or 15 minutes, you are running around with the kids like you've know each other your entire lives. Sort of like Mama. And my wish for you this month is that you retain that watchfulness, but don't let it interfere with your social development.

Holy smokes, Batman! I almost forgot that you jumped out of your crib too! Well, I don't know if you actually intentionally jumped, maybe more like the weight of your massive brain dragged the rest of your body to the floor after it one night (and we don't even have carpet, sorry Love). But I am glad to say, and knocking on wood, you haven't tried it again. Unlike your Buddy Jackson, who is a regular Evil Knievel, and now gets a head start of his Houdini act and jungle-mosquito-netting survival skills since he's been given a challenge in his crib. A nice big white netted one.

Aside from that leap of faith, you've also been at the grown-up table for a few weeks, sitting on a couch pillow to eat dinner with your real metal fork and spoon, and ladybug dish set. Too cute for words, except I started taking pictures of you eating oatmeal one morning (and a pint of "boo-bees" afterwards, and when I started to put the camera away, you refused to eat until I took more pictures of you. I don't know what kind of monster I've created, but a few days before that I told you to show Papa your new belt, and you strutted over to him, turn around, jutted one hip out and put your hand on it like, "Look, I know I'm cute, just say it."

Ohmigod. And you haven't even hit two yet. You've got over 50 words in 3 languages, plus a bunch of signs. Impressive, especially since a lot of them I don't even know. Like I say every month, every week, pretty much every day, you continue to amaze me with how superbly intelligent you are, how loving, kind, generous, what a good dancer, and a good listener, and how all around incredible you are. I love you more than I ever thought possible, you have been the most wonderful blessing I could have ever been given.

I love you.
Mommy

Books for Brain Power

2008-02-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

I've realized very recently that I love learning, but I have issues retaining the information. I always sort of knew that, considering I'd forget facts literally minutes after I finished taking a test in college, but when it comes to self-improvement, how in the hell do you keep track of all those things you want to do, and also be present in the moment, and on top of all that, take care of your business in the real world?

I mean, I can logically tick off the things I want to work on, but when I'm stressed or tired or hungry, how do I keep those goals in my mind while also dealing with the stress, and still have energy to do all those other things I need to handle, like work, cooking, cleaning, showering....? How do people constantly strive to be better than they were, and still maintain their sanity? My God, it feels like madness to just think about it!

My answer is, of course, to keep feeding my brain what I want to know, how I want to develop myself, so that I don't have to waste brain power on remembering, I can just go back into that zone for 20 minutes in a book before I go to sleep. Is that cheating?

I have been catching myself before mindlessly reacting recently. I've been trying to breathe instead of speak sometimes, and speak instead of ruminate. Maybe I just got wired backwards, and I need to somehow flip-flop those circuits to be normal? Hehehe, can I ever be normal? It's kind of fun to not react in a comfortable way, it's exciting to see a different way of living.

Instead of vomiting anger at my husband for not doing what we agreed he would do, like giving Taryn her bath last night, I give myself 2 minutes to calm down, (and give him a 2 minute chance to be the noble man I know he longs to be), then I do what needs to be done and appreciate the extra time I have with her.

On our way to gymnastics yesterday, P decided 5 minutes before we were leaving that he did in fact want to go. He was dressed and ready in about 3 minutes, then sat at the computer to check his email while I put on my shoes. As I was bringing Boogie to the car, he told me to wait so he could make some coffee. Instead of react to him lacking forethought, sitting at the computer wasting time when he could have been downstairs making his coffee, I told him I wasn't waiting and put her in the car.

He made it out of the house right before we pulled away, and was able to see Boogie having a blast for an hour.

It's taken me a long time to realize that my control issues are detrimental to my wellbeing. I have been trying for so long to control what is beyond my grasp, and I've gone crazy wondering why the world doesn't turn how I know it would most effectively. I'm reining all that in, and I'm really focusing on myself, the one person I can control in my life. It's taken my 6 years of marriage to realize that P is outside my range, and I officially give up trying to change him.

That doesn't mean I won't wish he'd do things differently, but I feel at peace knowing that it's up to God, not me, to make him more responsible.

I don't like New Age-y stuff. I'm not a fan of non-fiction. But if anyone has good book recommendations, fiction or story-like non-fiction, that I can learn from, please let me know. I'm all about feeding myself what's good and healthy and sane right now, so no more murder mysteries or horror stories, but after that I'm stuck as to where to turn.

mod*mom

2008-02-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't know how to do links, but if you have kids, or are pregnant (or want to buy Boogie someting really cool) go to modmom.blogspot.com. She's also got some incredible contests going on, so if you just want to win something, go there anyway.

Liza! I'l talking to you! Go enter...now! I know you don't have any work to do today.

Heheheh. Okay, post tomorrow about our dinner tonight, maybe Bogie will have a sibling this year? Sorry, TMI.

:)

My Favorite Commercial Holiday, After Christmas and St. Patrick's Day

2008-02-14T10:41:00.000-08:00

By Aletta C

In most situations, I am not one to be seduced by commercialism, but in the case of today, I am all for celebrating a made-up holiday.

Some people have blogged about how dumb it is to spend all this money to show someone you love them, and why do you need a certain day set aside for that anyway? Well, I’m here to tell you that maybe I picked the short straw out of the bunch, but my husband does not send me flowers at work “just because.” I do regularly get awesome gifts from him, but only because our wedding anniversary, my birthday, our first kiss and Christmas are roughly every three months throughout the year.

I’m not jealous of you people who get diamonds every year, and a dozen roses because you weren’t smiling in the morning when you left for work. Really? I’d rather my husband surprise me with a clean house and a home-cooked meal, than to splurge on an over-priced bouquet of roses that smell like tomatoes, or to buy yet another piece of jewelry that I won’t wear because I don’t want to lose it. Better yet, let me sleep in Sunday morning, and go pick some daisies with Boogie for me.

That being said, I sure as shit am not passing up a free meal at the restaurant of my choice. We’re doing our part to slow down the recession, and if that involves eating fresh-caught swordfish and oysters that were scraped off a rock while I was making my coffee that morning (hopefully not from the hideously polluted Richardson Bay though..) how can I shun commercialism for that?

Now, we don’t buy each other $4 cards, or spend $30 on chocolates. We go to dinner, a nice, romantic moment alone, which we rarely have the opportunity to indulge in between work, taking care of Boogie, and our various other social engagements. The next weekend we exchange Valentine goodies, when we can get them for 95% off, and laugh at people who actually paid full-price for them.

But that’s just us.

We can still smile at the new couples who are all stressed out the day before, running to find the flowers and balloons, and the couple the night of whose limbs are entwined throughout dinner. We think it’s cute, but we’ve been together long enough to know 1) this day is an excuse (yay! Free babysitting!) for us to go out alone and 2) there is so much more we’d like to do with the money we would have been spending on all the gifts and flowers.

I did get him a present though. I figure that since he’ll be paying for dinner, I could get away with buying him some “manly essentials” which he always procrastinates buying for himself.

So, Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope you make of it whatever makes you happiest!

Living in the Moment

2008-02-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

You know, I've always thought that one of the main reasons I was so anxious all the time was that I didn't live in the moment, but I discovered last night, that is far from the truth.

I was huffing around the house, irked that I was cleaning up after dinner, after walking the dogs, after feeding Boogie, doing laundry, cleaning the litter box, generally spending my Sunday taking care of everything and everyone but me. I was also trying to impress upon my husband the fact that Boogie is going to copy whatever he does, so he needed to get his act together. He had been eating corn kernels with his fingers, belching at the dinner table and generally being a pig, and she mimicked every disgusting act that he performed.

So I was standing in the hall surveying the damage to my house and plotting how to clean the biggest mess with the least amount of effort so that I could go upstairs and start a new book before I fell asleep. P bent over to put his shoes on to take out the trash, and let one rip. I restrained my fury and called him a pig. Feeling proud of myself for not losing my cool, I started cleaning the massive piles of newspaper that were beginning to take over the house since we started delivery. P came inside to grab the recycling, and as he walked past me he let out a huge stinking belch that reeked of corn and salmon, mayo and hippy water ... and I socked him in the arm.

In that moment, that single instant without thought, where my arm flew out from my side and connected with the source of my disgust and fury, I realized, Dude! I was totally in the moment right there!

And see, now I realize that when I am truly aggravated, I'm entirely in the moment, not contemplating the future repercussions of my actions. Now I just have to figure out how to do that more when I'm happy.

:)

The Hardest Weeks Are When Tomatoes Are Not on Sale

2008-02-10T12:43:00.001-08:00

I love tomatoes, and there are some things I refuse to eat without them. Like a roast beef sandwich, it just isn't the same without a fresh sliced tomato on it. Or a salad with bleu cheese dressing.

So normally, those horrible winter weeks when they are $4.99 per pound, I'll either hold off on the foods I love so much, but can't bear without my red little beauties on them, or I'll get desperate and slice up Boogie's organic sweet cherry ones and try to make do.

I didn't win anything, I still haven't won anything. I'm wondering what the lesson is here, that I need to work harder, that the easy life won't just fall in my lap. I've been putting off life for a while now, thinking that once the money troubles are over, then, then! I'll do what I need. Like get my windshield fixed (which, by the way, has been broken for 3 years, and the crack has spread across 90% of the glass. My fear now is that, knowing my luck, it will get hit by yet another rock, and this time it'll shatter while I'm going 70mph on the freeway). Or buy a filing cabinet so I can sort through the boxes and boxes of papers that we have. Maybe buy a headboard for our bed. After 6 years of marriage, we've still never gotten one. And a new black jacket, because the one I have isn't going to last another season.

We've got plans. I've got a huge goal of paying off all my debt by the end of this year. P keeps telling me it will happen, that he'll be giving me money for food, and soon he'll be off my medical, but really, I think I can do it without any extra cash flow, and I want him to focus on paying off his crap too. It just sucks donkey-balls to think of another year of deprivation. My refund check that should be arriving in May? Spent, partly on credit cards, partly things that I've already picked out in my mind. (Just doing my part to keep us out of a recession) And it was mostly on Boogie, a new book shelf and toy box. We needed those, and it's easier to spend money that I don't have on her, than on myself.

It feels like this year will be like those weeks I can't buy tomatoes. Everything feels too expensive in relation to what I have, but I decided this time that I'd rather do without them than sacrifice, say, milk, to get my tomato fix. This year maybe I'll get good at finding free, or cheap things to entertain me and Boogie.

I just keep waiting for things to get easier, and it seems that life is meant to be a struggle. I suppose I can't keep waiting for it, for anything, to get on with my life. Maybe I'll start a list of books I want to read, that I can get at the library. Or start checking out a new park each week with Boogie. Maybe I'll finally be able to find a volunteer opportunity that I want to do, and isn't a conflict of interest. And of course get cracking on that Quiet Book. I was thinking I'll start garage sale-ing to get those things that I need, and want, but can't afford new.

(And **shhhhhhh**) ... I'm hoping P is going to get me a sewing machine for our anniversary. I think that would be so cool, to learn to sew, and make stuff. I'm itching for a creative outlet, and maybe, just maybe, I'll find something I'm really good at, and really enjoy. I just think about all the ideas I see of things to make for Boogie and her little-people friends, and I get so excited! Also, I've discovered that I sort of like ironing. Weird, huh?

Three Year Itch

2008-02-07T21:18:00.001-08:00

I know it's not right, and I could seriously regret being hasty, but it's killing me to stay here. My whole body is telling to me to do it, but my mind is vainly holding on to the thread of logic... I've made it this long, why not postpone the damage a bit longer? It's like the urge to smoke, I need it, I want it, and the fight against it just makes it that much more appealing. I don't want to make a mistake, but I don't know how long I can resist.

The longest I've lever held a job is 3.5 years. Every few years I get this burning desire to get out, start over, try to find something I truly enjoy doing. This job I have? It's a job. It's never going to be a career for me. Most days I don't mind it, very rarely I actually enjoy it, and sometimes, like today, like the client I'm dealing with now, the system problems, all of it, I just want to throw it all away.

Because my job is dictated by what the boys upstairs call "Rules and Regulations." In other words, a whole bunch of nonsensical policies that are aimed at helping as few people as possible, while maintaining the facade of being a Human Service Agency.

I know blogging about work is a no-no, but lets see this from a constituent's perspective. I have a decently paying job, but I can't afford to pay for health insurance for my family. So I mosey on down to the local welfare office, stand in line, outside in the cold at the ass-crack of dawn for an hour to try to get an appointment. If I'm lucky, I get seen the first day. If I'm a little late, I have to do it all over again the next day, maybe losing pay from work to be there, but knowing the consequences are dire if I don't get help.

So when I finally make it to an intake interview I learn that the only chance I have of getting insurance is to cash out my retirement funds. Because I earn to much for my toddler to get free Medi-Cal, I have to potentially sacrifice my retirement.. just in case. And even then, I'd have to pay thousands of dollars per month that I use the Medi-Cal, because the government doesn't take in to account mortgage payments, and credit card debt, so the income they are using is exponentially higher than what I actually have left over at the end of the month. And I'm not even going to get started on Eligible Student rules.

And yes, I think that some of the supervisors and staff are doing a wonderful job of improving for the clients those things they have control over, but I feel like a hypocrite. How can I talk about how much I want to help people, and I'm in this position with my hands tied behind my back telling people who need help that there is nothing I can do?

Have you ever heard someone roll their eyes over the phone? I did. When I found out that a requirement that we made of pregnant woman was changed 5 years ago, and we never knew about it. A change that would have been beneficial for them, and it desn't happen. But when there is one more hurdle placed in their way, those are snapped into action immediately (which, for public sector means within 2 years).

So this itch, I thought I would have longer, considering I was out on maternity leave for 7 months, but it's here. Now. It's burning. I want to make a difference. I want to love my work. I don't want just a job to pay the bills.

Taryn Overdose

2008-02-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

Finally! Christmas pictures and some other random stuff from the last few months.

Rub-a-dub-dub ... Look at that hair!

All dolled up.

She loves her new baby. And her laundry basket.

New shoes for Christmas.

Most of those gifts didn't get opened Christmas, she got too tired from ripping all the paper off.

She did help with the decorating though.

I guess it's called "helping" right?

Ready to go somewhere.

I don't condone standing on the table, but she is pretty darn cute.

How can you not smile seeing that face?

More of the chicken suit from Halloween.

Cheese!

Boogie with her Tio Jeff.

They are very cooperative when bribed with food.

Popeyes long-lost daughter?

That's all for now!

Hypocrite

2008-02-06T14:33:00.001-08:00

After all my bitching and moaning, I go and do the same thing.

What is wrong with me? Just because he did it first, does not make it okay for me to go and do it later. Granted, it wasn't my intention, but at that point of no return, I plunged ahead hoping he would react better than I did. And mostly, it was true, and I in my childish-ness punished him for being the bigger person.

As I was telling Tere last night, he has seen me at my worst, he has stuck by me through the BS, and I've done the same for him. That's got to count for something.

Top Heavy

2008-02-05T06:23:00.000-08:00

I was downstairs doing dishes last night when I heard a loud thump upstairs. Thinking it was Jojo banging around again, I looked at P and asked, "What the f*** was that?"

He, in all his smart-ass glory, commented that maybe she fell this time. I dropped the dishes I was cleaning and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Just as I was getting to the top of the stairs, I saw Boogie's little hand curled around the edge of the door, pulling it open while the other hand rubbed at her eyes. She looked at me and just said "Mommy" with tears streaming down her face.

When P got upstairs about a minute later, I was kneeling on the floor with her, rocking her back and forth as I searched her little body head to toe for any sign of injury, but I think she was just shaken up more than anything.

So we brought her in our room, the daring jump had given her some energy, and as soon as she got over the shock of hitting the floor, she was up laughing and playing like nothing had happened. We figured that she had probably stepped on her doll and her ginormous head caused her to fall over the rail on her crib.

All day today, I was at once mortified that she had jumped out of her crib, and at the same time laughing that her head probably weighs enough to cause her whole body to fly along after it. I do hope she scared herself badly enough not to try that again though...

Why? Again...

2008-02-03T13:34:00.000-08:00

I just don't get how people can consciously ruin a relationship.

This is one of those days where I truly believe that I would be better off alone. I don't want to be a divorced single mother at 25, but I don't know if my sanity will allow me to stay here much longer. It's madness.

We had a good stretch going, and he goes and does this. It's 1:08pm, and he still isn't home, thinks he's being a good guy by calling to tell me he's still too drunk to drive, and oops, I forgot we were having people over today to watch the game, and later a small birthday party, but Baby, I love you, I promise I'll make it up to you.

And I'm stuck here, because he took the carseat. I can't go anywhere because I have the baby, and no way to transport her. SO I have to call and email people back that, hey, sorry for the late notice but you can't come over anymore because I can't go to the store to get supplies, and by the way, P isn't back from a night out getting drunk either. Even though the last time was supposed to be the end of it.

Like always.

I just don't know how much I am supposed to take before I snap? I don't know where the line is drawn between enabling his alcohol addiction, and just taking care of Taryn and myself? I don't know if these actions would bother me so much if they didn't affect me... if he had left the carseat and I could get on with my life, would I care so much that he's out drinking and smoking with the boys?

So am I angry because I'm selfish? Am I angry because he's killing himself, or because he is interfering with my life? I found an apartment I can afford, cheaper child care, a trade-in for my car... I can do it myself, I don't know why I'm still here.

Bridges Out of Poverty

2008-01-31T07:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to the most amazing workshop I have attended in my life.

Not only was the presenter a down-to-earth, friendly, empathetic, knowledgeable and funny woman, the information she presented has answered so many questions that I have had in my life, and given me so much insight into my own situation that I am stunned. It’s like a light bulb has gone off in my head, and I am dying to learn more about myself and my clients.

There has been a disconnect between my husband and myself since we were married, and I honestly am in the wrong because I chalked up his “laziness” to being unmotivated. The reality that I have come to realize today is that I am operating in the frame of mind of the middle class, where hard work (see last post), achievement and material wealth are my guiding principals. I am working my ass off every day to give Boogie a better life than I had, and I am overwhelmed and frustrated with the prospect of doing that myself.

Pedro, however, has been operating on a basis of poverty, where his values are very different than mine. He is focused on entertainment as a mental stimulus that he is not receiving anywhere else, and rather than hard work, he counts on his relationships to bring him through hard times.

This is not so much an Aha! for me, because they are differences that I have observed and lamented in the past, but this workshop put it in a contextual framework that makes sense. She pulls together all these little pieces of information that I have gleaned from my life, and makes it a cohesive theory, while simultaneously providing insight in what we can do to improve our interactions with people who operate on a different level than we do.

I was also so grateful to have some validation to the pruning of my friendship tree (my lame phrase, not Dr. Payne’s) that I did after high school. She said that in order for us to operate on the next higher level, we sometimes have to leave behind those relationships that are no longer working for us. The people that I stopped interacting with were fine with being where they were, and maybe had lofty expectations of their lives, but were not making moves to induce any type of change. I always felt that there was a difference between me and them, and maybe that was part of it. I wasn’t satisfied with where I was, I wanted to do better, I had the motivation to make changes in my life, and I had to let them and my old ways go before I could do that.

And once again I was reminded how lucky I was to have such an amazing woman as a mother. I really don’t think that if she hadn’t instilled in me a sense that I could do better than what I was mostly exposed to, that if she hadn’t connected me with professional women as role models, if she hadn’t encouraged me to help other people, thereby helping myself in the process, I may never have made it as far as I have.

More later, I have to go home and see my angel, but this is definitely not the last you’ll hear of this..