That Time of Year Again

oh.em.gee.

It's been a year since I blogged. Over a year since I've been on here regularly. And surprise! A free deal brought me back.

Saw on another site you can get 50 free photo cards if you blog about Shutterfly. And I'm all about free (thanks Recession). Don't tell the higher-ups, but I've been doing Secret Shopper stuff on work time. Usually Friday afternoons when I'm bored stiff, drool hanging off my lip, my eyelid twitching from severe brainal atrophy...

SO!

I love the idea of folded personalized cards, but have never bought them because they are so dang expensive. Maybe this year? I also need at least 3 photos... my girls are so frickin' frackin' cute, I'll never be able to narrow them down to less than that. Maybe a teeny-tiny one of me and the Hubs?

Oooh, Sustainably Forested paper... nice! Iceing (not mandatory), of course.

And really? They'll stamp and mail them for me? This gets better (and more expensive) as we go.

I need more time to check these out... favorites posted soon.

I Need to Smell Some Pine Needles

It's almost Thanksgiving, and considering the predicament I allowed myself to get in this holiday season, namely scheduling too many parties and hang-outs, and too little time with Hubs in the country, I decided that I want to decorate early, and to hell with the Jones'. Also, F the HOA. I do understand the 'uniformity' of the neighborhood, but I seriously doubt that Christmas lights are bringing down property prices. Anyway, can they go any lower??

Thinking of P being gone for so long.... it terrifies me. I feel the panic rising, but I know we'll be okay. No scary movies, murder mysteries or open windows at night. Good thing it's Winter here. And even better that Boogie is the best preschooler on the face of the earth. My kid is so amazing, I sometimes wonder if we accidentally brought an alien baby home from the hospital, and one day antennae will spring from her head.

I'm trying to keep very busy so she doesn't miss him too terribly. We bought cameras so we can Skype, and I suggested that he record a couple books in Spanish for her to listen to while I get the baby sleeping at night. Christmas shopping is almost done, out house is one big pile of UPS delivered boxes, and I can't wait to crack open the Bailey's, blast some Christmas jams, and get wrapping.

Simple pleasures.

Holy Shit-On-A-Stick ... Life is Hard

I've been trying to keep things positive, and for the most part I've been okay with the day to days lately. No real depression, no crying jags, but I've been having this entirely unavoidable unease lately. What is coming? I can't imagine anything worse than the horrors of the last couple months. Those haunting images that creep up unannounced and make me want to sit in a corner and bang my head on the wall, either to knock them to some other place, or to knock myself there. My heart still aches daily with grief and regret.

I have been keeping up on the letters, and probably this coming week I'll post them all in a row. Has it been three months already? There they sit, a reminder that I don't want to mix my pride and joy with the ugliness of the world. I don't want to post about the beautiful girls I've been blessed with between eulogies, fearing that somehow the pain might seep into our bubble.

And on the homefront... I'm not even going to go there. Things are in the works. Marriage might be okay, but who knows? One day we're great, the next I can't figure out who fucked it up. I want normalcy. I don't need anything exciting or new experiences. I just want my life on a level line. I'm sick of the undulations, the waves of euphoria crashing into anxiety and depression. I don't feel like my body can handle the altitude changes, as this viral infection has shown me. I'm breaking down, and at the same time I still feel like I'm building it all up. Is this what life is supposed to be like?

Everything around me crashes down, and I feel as solid as ever. Confused... shocked... powerful... where is this taking me?

Once Again

I looked at her cheeky smile, and two beats passed before I smiled back. There is something wrong. I should be okay right now, things are going well, but I don't feel anything but rage. I'm avoiding people, seeking out friends who don't know me, putting the girls to sleep early so I can sit by myself in the dark.

Things are going well though, why can't I go along well too?

I'm scared it's coming back.

My persona, like the downstairs of my house, is relatively clutter free, clean swept, organized, functional and inviting. My upstairs, in the hidden parts, it's a quietly raging storm of dark thoughts, disorganized obsessions, guilt, fear, sadness, all melding together and obstructing any positivity in my life right now.

It's definitely coming back, and I have to stop it before it ruins my life, traumatizes my kids, breaks my marriage. Fuck, I don't want to deal with this. I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I'm so tired.

RIP Miss Danielle Keller

It hasn't even been 24 hours and I miss you so much. I knew you such a short time, but you revived my trust in people and showed me that even when everything is falling down around you, there are still things in life meant to be savored. Dani, the first time I met you I wanted to protect you. You were by no means naive, and yet you wanted to believe that people were fundamentally good, and you made me believe for a while too. At that Rummage Sale you opened your heart to my kids, and you became Taryn's favorite person in an instant. She would ask every day when we were going to see you guys again, when she could give Miss Dani and hug, and when Sam could come play with her.

Now you are gone and there is this hugs gaping hole in my life. Who am I going to text funny stories about the girls late into the night to? Who is going to sit with me at Miwork Park while we get eaten alive by mosquitoes and plot your reemergence on the dating scene? Who else orders an Arnold Palmer at Peet's and always remembers to bring a snack for Taryn? And now who am I going to sit at Finnegan's with to have a drink after a rough day? You used to fill my afternoons at work when I had nothing to do and we'd message each other every random, crazy, funny, and oftentimes serious thing that had happened in the few hours since we last talked. You have been a part of my life almost every day since we met 6 months ago, and I will never forget you.

I am absolutely devastated that your beautiful life was cut short by a maniac. I have not stopped thanking God for protecting Sam, but I wish you didn't have to lose your life trying to protect her as well. I am trying to channel you, trying to take the high road and hope that he gets the help he needs, and that the justice system will prevail, but I want revenge. You told me he was going to do this one day, and I shrugged it off as Crazy Dani being melodramatic again. I would give so much to have been able to do something to alter the last 24 hours, but deep down I know I wouldn't have been able to save you and despite what you wanted to believe, there is something fundamentally wrong with that man.

Sweets, I am always going to remember your big, sunny smile, and those perfect teeth that you filed down by yourself. Siting in the jump house after Taryn's birthday and bouncing all the kids around after her party. The many days spent at different parks in Novato, the hours of conversations we had, the thousands of texts and IMs sent. You were one of the few people who 'got' me, who understood my humor, and appreciated that my kids mean the world to me. We were supposed to be NMC board members together, and now I have to serve alone.

Dani, you were destined to do great things. Even if the only job you ever had again was working outside on a hot afternoon trying to put gloopy makeup on fair goers, you would have always done it with a smile and a dash of snark. I promise to do what I can to help your family through this, to make sure Sam ends up in a good place, and to spend time with her. She is blessed to have such a loving, devoted, responsible mother for the short time that she did. Thanks for the good times, Whole Foods, I'm going to miss you.

In Memory

I'm supposed to be happy that she's in a better place, that she's not in pain anymore, that she gets to see her family gain, but I'm selfish. I want her back. I want Taryn to be able to run up and hold her frail hand, kiss her soft wrinkled cheek and tell her about all the fun things she did in school that day. I want to see her eyes light up the first time Zoraya walks or says her name. I want to bring her cookies at Christmas and spend lazy mornings sitting on her couch, taking with half a brain while I juggle the baby and try to keep Taryn from tipping over her wobbly coffee table. I want to see her year after year coming home late at night, far later than I can manage to stay up nowadays and still perky in the morning as she walks with her radio headphones on.

I want her back.

The last coherent thing she said was that I am a wonderful mother, that my girls are beautiful and thanked me for taking such good care of them. I can't believe she's gone. I don't know how many mornings it's going to take before my first thought on walking out the door will not be to make sure we bring her paper.

Rest in Peace Ms. Eva Slott. You are loved and will be missed dearly.

Month Six

Chunko, I have been unintentionally consuming entirley too much of my own breastmilk this month. While I love the fact that you are eating solids, I'm in the habit now of finishing your sister's food and that has translated to me eating your mashed fruits and veggies after breakfast and dinner so that nothing, not a teaspoon, gets wasted. And since I've been mixing your food with breastmilk and rice cereal to up the calorie content (and hope you sleep longer) that means.... I keep ingesting my own milk. When you think about it, it's a little weird, like a cow sucking her own teat. Yum.

But you are loving the food. I think your favorite cereal is probably barley though we give you oatmeal for breakfast and mix the rice cereal with fruits and veggies. You ate the heck out of the watermelon but got really bad gas that night so we're going to wait a bit longer to give it to you again. The sweet potato was a hit, probably your favorite veggie so far and the peas were well received as well. People think I'm crazy when I tell them that you are eating 8-10 tablespoons of food a day, plus 20 oz pumped milk and nurisng at least 4-5 times, but you are and you do and you are a happy little thing.

And you are sleeping so well now from about 8p-7:30a only waking up once around 2:30 to nurse. It's working well with me being back at work because you sleep late enough for Papa to take a shower then Taryn plays with you until it's time to eat. You have been doing okay at daycare, not sleeping as much as I'd like but we just put you to bed a bit earlier and hope the next day you'll nap really, really well so we can keep you up later to play. I miss you guys so much but you are both having so much fun that I console myself with the fact that although this separation is heart wrneching for me, you don't seem to be suffering any adverse affects and I know the socialization will benefit you in the long run.

So this month my wish for you is that you always feel loved and never neglected, even though your Papa and I both have to work. I hope that the relationships that you build at daycare will last a long time and that you will have a solid foundation to function in the world, and always know that your Papa and I adore you, and that even when we aren't there with you, we are always thinking about you guys. Like I told Taryn the other day, every time I blink, I'm thinking of my girls.

If there is one thing we need to work on, it's the hair pulling. When your sister was a baby, I always wore my hair in a ponytail and out of her reach, but I started wearing my hair down curly (which I hadn't done in years) and I know its tempting but you got to stop trying to eat it! Aside from the fact that it hurts, I'm sure my conditioner doesn't taste too good. And when we are all sitting reading a book, you are already making Taryn cry by yanking on her hair. I know you aren't trying to hurt her and I actually think its sort of cute when she's trying to get your hand out of her hair and you've got a white-knuckle grip on it (and your hands are almost the same size...wow) but I feel bad for her so I have to help. Let's just try to nip that one in the bud, okay?

I can't believe I almost forgot the swimming! I've taken you out a couple times and you love the water, splashing your hands around, kicking like the frogger we used to call you, and sucking it up off the floaty thing we use, but after about 30-45 minutes I think you're just worn out and want a break. The first time I nursed you and you fell asleep under the towel for 30 minutes, then wanted to jump right back in when you woke up. And you sleep so well afterwards, probably from wearing yourself out and being out in the sun (though there is a shade on the floatie so no burns) so it's good for us all. Taryn likes swinging and pushing your floatie around, and best of all, you wear the same size swim diapers! You are wearing Taryn's bathing suit from when she was 12 months old, and I'm dying to see how big you've grown at your appointment next week. I'm sure you're pretty high in the percentages, but still perfectly proportionate.

Baby, I love you. Thank you for making me smile all day, every day.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Five

Well Sugarpie, we're almost there! (This first line was written on the 20th. Now, a few days later when I have time to finish this blog, things have changed...drastically).

Sweet Angelbaby, last night you pooped on the potty. The week before I went back to work after your sister was born, you woke up one morning and said "Mama, I need to go pee." Two days later you were able to stay dry in your pull ups all day long (except while you were sleeping) and aside from the predictable poop that came every time you went down for a nap you were doing a fantastic, quick job of potty training. Even at the park you would run up to me and tell me you needed to go potty, and you held it while I wrangled you, me and your sister in the dingly metal stall, jumping over puddles on unknown liquid on the floor, and somehow trying to get us all out of there just as clean and when we went in.

I had joked for the last 8 or so months that you would be in diapers until you were 10 because you showed absolutely no interest at all in potty training. People told me how hard it would be to have 2 kids in diapers, but I'll tell you, it was a lot easier to let you pee in your diaper, than it is now trying to get you up on a toilet while I balance your sister on one hip, and wiping? All I can say is I'm glad I haven't dropped you on your face yet because it is a feat of physics to do it one-handed in a public restroom. But kid, you are such a champ. Aside from the half-pee you do to get candy more often (pee a little, then pee again 10 minutes later) I am amazed at how quickly the process was, and now that you are pooping in the potty too, words cannot describe how proud of you I am. You sticker calendar to record how many times you went potty each day is completely full, and I'm thinking by your birthday you'll be in undies full-time if you want to be.

I did go back to work this month, but you have taken to daycare like a frog to water. The first day I went to pick you up, you started crying that you wanted to stay and play longer. It makes me so happy to see you having so much fun, you napped with no problem, and are generally thriving and content there. The only complaint I have is that I haven't gotten any artwork to bring home, but I can discuss that with your caretakers later. :)

My wish for you this month, Darling, is that you continue to adapt so fluidly to the changes that will be thrown at you in life. I know it was hard to have me home for 6 months then suddenly I'm back at work and you are being bounced around to different places each day of the week. And although I am happy that you are with family 5 days per week, I think putting you in daycare has shown me that you are much more adaptable now than you were as a baby, and I hope that adaptability sticks with you, as it will be vital later in life.

Before I sign off, I want to tell you that your Papa bought me a digital picture frame for Mother's Day this year. It was supposed to be for work, but is absolutely enormous, so I think we're going to keep it at home. I brought it upstairs so that I could download the photos to it, and the box is sitting outside my bedroom door. Every time you notice the box, you run to me and say 'Happy Mother's Day.' Thank you for being your wonderful self.

I love you Baby,

Mama.

Month Five

My Darling girl. I don't know what to say except you are becoming such a lovely little baby to be around. Our days are filled with giggles and belly laughs, you grabbing for the dogs' ears and doubling over in laughter when they lick your nose. Taryn is, of course, the person who makes you laugh the easiest, but really anything out of the ordinary may elicit your one dimpled grin.

We haven't seen any teeth yet but you're chewing on everything like a mad woman, so I know it's coming soon. My shoulder is still a favorite, but you also enjoy your thumb a lot, though when you chew on it your finger goes up your nose or digs in your eye, so it usually doesn't last very long. We have a fabric book attached to your carseat and you chew on that while we are driving. Speaking of which, the screaming has mostly ended in the car. You are usually okay unless you're overtired, and even then it just takes a couple minutes for you to fall asleep once the car is moving. Taryn has been on tears a few times because you were crying and her arms are not long enough to reach you in the car, but then you always passed out so we could start singing again.

You don't take a binkie anymore, and I'm not really sure what changed. I wonder if it will make a comeback when you are in daycare (starting next week, I am so bummed out that I have to leave you guys to go back to work, but the economy is crap and we can't risk me being a stay-at-home mom, and your Papa losing his job). So I have 2 weeks left with you and your sister, but you will be starting early to hopefully make the adjustment a little bit easier (for me, I'm sure) but you two are such amazing, happy, well-adjusted kids that I really don't forsee any problems. And if there are, maybe it will be motivation for me to stay home. I'm glad we decided to put you two in the same center, that way you'll be together all day long and Taryn will be able to look out for me and report back if you are crying too much or anything crazy happens. I'm actually really excited to have you guys stay with Nana for a day as well, so that you will grow up seeing her around on a more regular basis, and your Papa will be home one day as well, so maybe one day he'll understand that it is a full-time job watching you two.

Sweetheart, I know I made this same with for Taryn at the same point in time, but I hope against all hopes that you have the choice to go back to work if you decide to have kids. It's absolutely heart-wrenching to be forced to leave you guys with a stranger, and though your sister made it out fine so far I abhor the fact that I just don't have a choice. I'm grateful that my schedule will allow me to be home with you guys 3 full days each week, and you'll be with family the other half of the time, but I want you all to myself. I know that I am the best person to raise you, and I worry how jumping from person to person will affect your bonding abilities, but I also know the socialization will be great for you and that in the long run I'll benefit from being back at work as well. Just know that I always tried to do what was best for us as a family, that I love you, and I am so grateful I was able to stay with you for so long.

So you're rolling both ways now and I really have to watch you carefully to make sure that you don't roll right off the mat in the living room. We've been looking for another car seat for you since you weigh close to 16.5 lbs and are probably 26 inches tall already. Not only is it crazy hard to carry you in the infant seat, I'm thinking safety-wise you could benefit from a bigger one as well. So soon we'll be back in the Mazda (yay!) and you and your sister should be a little further away from each other so she can't take all your toys while I'm driving (because yours really are much cooler than hers) and we'll be making beach runs and going to the museum, and if you keep sleeping like a champ I'll even take you guys to the aquarium this Summer.

The best part of this past month though has been you in the walker, scooting around the house, and even coming when we call for you. You love it and can mostly go forward, though when you get really excited you always go backwards. You've also been spending a lot of time in the jumperoo, mostly so that I can eat or wrap presents when you aren't in the mood to lay on the mat with your sister. And you just jump away, squealing with delight, smacking the buttons to see the light show and when we talk with you, or you see the dogs walk by you start jumping even harder. You haven't fallen asleep yet (like your sister did a few times) but I'm thinking it's only a matter of time before you do, and we'll make sure to get pictures to bribe you with when you are a teenager.

Honey, I am so excited that you are here. I waited so long to see you, then even longer to see your wonderful chipper personality emerge. Life feels perfect now that you are in it with us, and I look forward to every single day that I get to see your adorable face. I am so excited for the future that we will spend together, and I know that you and your sister will have a bond that will last forever.

I love you Angelbaby.

Love, Mama

Month Thirty-Four

Holy Smokes Batman, you are just about 3 years old! When people ask me now how old you are, I'm stumbling between 'two' and 'almost three.' It's not that I want you to be older any sooner, but to say two when you can hold a conversation with an adult, or kid, or dog, flower, computer screen.... it just doesn't do the extent of your development justice. But you aren't three yet, and I want to savor this beautiful time when I am still the center of your world.

When Papa wakes you up in the morning, you two go downstairs and exercise. He bought some video that he wants to get fit to, and since you two are up an hour earlier than the baby and I (for now) it's wonderful to see you two spending time together. And it's nice to sleep in too. I just bought a tumbling mat too, and you are having a great time exercising on it, jumping from color block to color block, and tomorrow, I'm sure, you'll realize you can do your gymnastics rolls on it, and I'll have to move your sister out of the way so you can stretch your gangly little limbs out.

Since I am going back to work in less than a month, we've been looking at a lot of day cares for you and your sister. I'm satisfied with the arrangement of your Nana, Papa and I each having you guys for a day each week, and you having two days away. It's going to break my heart to see someone else spending so much time with you, but I know you will thrive with the social interactions with your peers (and hopefully start on the potty training as well) and you two will be together. Plus, I'll still be able to see you guys at lunch each day, at least for a while. It is so hard to feel like I have no choice-again-but to go back to work. So my wish for you is that you have a choice to work or stay home if you decide to have children. Some people love their careers, some people love their lifestyles, I just wish I could work part-time and be home as much as possible while you two are young, but I know God has a plan and this is what is supposed to happen right now.

You and Jackson had a fun day riding horses a couple weeks back and whenever I mention him or Ms Ally, you go off on this tangent about the horses and the pig and everything we did that day and I'm realizing more and more it's the little things with you. Some kids may want a huge production, but you just want something different from everyday life. I promise that when your sister is a bit bigger, we're going to go on all those adventures I dreamed about when I was pregnant with you. We're going to travel, and go on road trips, and camping and fishing and see the snow. I promise to introduce you to every new type of food I can imagine and take you to Mexico to eat real tortas, and to New York so I can see it for the first time with you. We'll gaze at the Grand Canyon, hike through Yosemite, and search for bears at Yellow Stone. I promise that no matter what else happens in life I will always be there for you. I will never leave you, I will always be your biggest fan, and I will go to the ends of the universe and back, or just flag down the ice cream truck on a sweltering summer day, all just to see your smile.

I love you Angel,
Mama (Mom)