Books for Brain Power

I've realized very recently that I love learning, but I have issues retaining the information. I always sort of knew that, considering I'd forget facts literally minutes after I finished taking a test in college, but when it comes to self-improvement, how in the hell do you keep track of all those things you want to do, and also be present in the moment, and on top of all that, take care of your business in the real world?

I mean, I can logically tick off the things I want to work on, but when I'm stressed or tired or hungry, how do I keep those goals in my mind while also dealing with the stress, and still have energy to do all those other things I need to handle, like work, cooking, cleaning, showering....? How do people constantly strive to be better than they were, and still maintain their sanity? My God, it feels like madness to just think about it!

My answer is, of course, to keep feeding my brain what I want to know, how I want to develop myself, so that I don't have to waste brain power on remembering, I can just go back into that zone for 20 minutes in a book before I go to sleep. Is that cheating?

I have been catching myself before mindlessly reacting recently. I've been trying to breathe instead of speak sometimes, and speak instead of ruminate. Maybe I just got wired backwards, and I need to somehow flip-flop those circuits to be normal? Hehehe, can I ever be normal? It's kind of fun to not react in a comfortable way, it's exciting to see a different way of living.

Instead of vomiting anger at my husband for not doing what we agreed he would do, like giving Taryn her bath last night, I give myself 2 minutes to calm down, (and give him a 2 minute chance to be the noble man I know he longs to be), then I do what needs to be done and appreciate the extra time I have with her.

On our way to gymnastics yesterday, P decided 5 minutes before we were leaving that he did in fact want to go. He was dressed and ready in about 3 minutes, then sat at the computer to check his email while I put on my shoes. As I was bringing Boogie to the car, he told me to wait so he could make some coffee. Instead of react to him lacking forethought, sitting at the computer wasting time when he could have been downstairs making his coffee, I told him I wasn't waiting and put her in the car.

He made it out of the house right before we pulled away, and was able to see Boogie having a blast for an hour.

It's taken me a long time to realize that my control issues are detrimental to my wellbeing. I have been trying for so long to control what is beyond my grasp, and I've gone crazy wondering why the world doesn't turn how I know it would most effectively. I'm reining all that in, and I'm really focusing on myself, the one person I can control in my life. It's taken my 6 years of marriage to realize that P is outside my range, and I officially give up trying to change him.

That doesn't mean I won't wish he'd do things differently, but I feel at peace knowing that it's up to God, not me, to make him more responsible.

I don't like New Age-y stuff. I'm not a fan of non-fiction. But if anyone has good book recommendations, fiction or story-like non-fiction, that I can learn from, please let me know. I'm all about feeding myself what's good and healthy and sane right now, so no more murder mysteries or horror stories, but after that I'm stuck as to where to turn.

Kensei

I've been reading the same book for weeks now, and I'm bored. It's not that the book isn't good, it's just that it's the same damn book I started over a month ago, and I'm over it. But I'm not the person who can just stop reading something once I've started, because if I get more than 20 pages into a book, I finish it, regardless of how much it sucks.

I'm just weird like that.

I normally go for psych-mystery books, and maybe one of the issues here is that this is more of a techno-geek-espionage story, rather than my normal anticipation-laden genre, and it just seems to drag on and on and on. And while the cultural breakdown is interesting, the last 20 pages seem like they are never going to end. It's hard to convince myself to sit down and read when I'm really not enjoying it, so I have to keep the mantra up that as soon as I finish, I can start something better. Which is quite an enticement because I went to the library earlier this week and picked up a few novels I can't wait to dig into.

But wait I must do.

When I first had Taryn, I was reading four books at the same time. I had a baby-soothing technique book in her room that I would read while I nursed her in the rocker, a novel in my room for those sleepless nights when my internal clock was jacked up, a breastfeeding book in the crapper, and another book downstairs for when she fell asleep on my chest and I didn't want to wake her up to go get my books upstairs. And then, in my sleep-deprived state I could follow them all at the same time. But not anymore. I get lost and confused so easily, it's not even funny. I get lost and confused if I read a Parents and Time magazine at the same time.

So I figured out that I probably read very quickly so that I don't get bored. I can go through four or five books a month if they really interest me, just reading here and there before bed, or while I'm waiting for water to boil...whatever. But evidently that didn't happen with Kensei and now I'm ready to burn the damn thing, just so I won't be tempted to go back and finish it before I whip out the next one.

But really, I'll probably just finish it tonight before I get caught up on the Sopranoes so that this weekend I can devote some time to a worthwhile novel while T-Boog is sleeping, instead of dreading having to finish this damn thing just to start another one.