Aletta 2.1

I'm a huge fan of resolutions, and around this time very year, I'm thinking of a list of the things that I can do to improve myself. The problem I find though, is that by around March, I've either forgotten the resolutions I had made, or I've made so many and haven't gotten too far in any, that I give up.

I started thinking this year that this annual dance with myself is very representative of my life. For as long as I can remember, I've fucked things up, tried to run away from them, only to make the same fuck-ups again and again, until I've finally learned my lesson. And this is going way past New Years Resolutions, this is a theme that has threaded itself through my entire conscious life, and I can't keep ditching the last scene of my crimes and trying to do it a different way.

I started to think too, that maybe that's a good thing. Because if I had actually made all those changes I proposed to myself, who would I be now? Maybe my intention was not clear in the past, and I failed because I was trying to be someone new, instead of a newer version of myself. I don't know if it's a question that anyone can answer: How many changes can you make, and still be you? How many improvements can you facilitate, and still be considered the same person?

A lot of my old resolutions have come to pass as I've gotten older and realized the benefits of them, such as drinking more water, writing more, and curbing my temper. But some I just can't seem to grasp. Some things just seem as though they will never be a part of my personality, as hard as I try, and maybe the truth is, I'm not ready for them.

This year has taught me to let go. There have been multiple issues that I felt that I needed to resolve, things that I felt needed to be in my control, and I couldn't do it. This year more than any other I have developed a true faith, although I've always believed it, that God won't give me more than I can handle. Everything has been happening for a reason, and though I may not like it, I've come to accept it. I'm being given exactly what I need at that time, not what I want. And I see it manifest in those around me as well, whether it's a gentle push in the right direction, or a massive storm to physically get rid of what shouldn't be there, it's all exactly as it should be.

And please don't misunderstand my faith for docility, I'm still kicking and fighting some things that I feel a bodily urge to control, I just know that eventually I'll get tired and be able to accept what is given to me. It's a hard lesson, and I know it will take many more years for me to master, and along the way I will slowly become the person that I was meant to be.

And so, for this year only, I don't have any soul-altering resolutions to make. I'm not going to be a patient person by December 31, 2008, or completely stop gossiping. I'm not going to train my mind to think only positive thoughts, or vow to renew (and use) my gym membership. I only have two things that I want to accomplish, and I hope that by immersing myself in them, I will be able to gain a deeper understanding of some aspect of myself, and maybe make some memories for Taryn as well.

So by the end of next year, I want to do the following:
1. Compile a list of 100 Things to do Before I Die
2. Make a quiet book for Taryn. By hand.

Shouldn't be too hard, right? I'll let you know this time next year..

Have a wonderful New Years, and I'll see you on the flip side!

Ms. Independent

Time and again I've teetered on the brink of despair. Time and again, I've been violently flung over the edge, falling blindly and helplessly into this never-ending pit of despair. A hard, black, soul-crushing journey, my body beaten up on the way down, hitting every last regret, every sorrow, every unfulfilled wish, and time and again I've managed to eventually find one thing to cling to. One tiny thread of hope that I can dig my nails into and climb back out again, never fully reaching the top, but always so close I can breathe in the sweet scent of happiness, before I am ruthlessly tossed again to face the impending death of my psyche that has yet to occur.

And each time, I realize that I have to make my own happiness. I need to re-discover myself. I started this blog to do just that a couple years ago when I was sure it was the last time. Curled up in the fetal position in bed, the blankets covering my head, my mind drifting away from inhaling too much of my own carbon dioxide, wishing for a quick end to the misery but knowing all along I have so much left to do. My body wracked by alternating shivers and body-drenching sweats from a psychologically induced physical illness I knew that I was creating the madness in my life that I longed to get rid of, but clung desperately to.

Every time I am disappointed to tears, every time I know, and write, that I need to get out. I need to un-stick myself from this shoddy excuse for being miserable, grab life by the balls and BE ME! But I feel so helpless in the face of what I've envisioned, because as lofty as my goals for personal exploration and re-invention are, I don't know how.

I despise the fact that I have become so dependant on him. I always prided myself on being self-sufficuent, on putting myself through college by working full-time, and appreciating the help and support I received from friends and family, but still able to claim these accomplishments as my own. And at some point I took being married too far. I love P madly, but about 3 years ago, I stopped loving myself so that I could love him more.

And where has it gotten me? I'm fucking miserable half the time. I'm almost always depressed and anxious. My joy is my daughter, but I'm scared shitless to put that burden on her, for fear it will influence her way of being and maybe she'll turn out like me. She is my life, and even now, this morning, when I'm normally happy to be up with her at 5am, to have a little cuddle time while she nurses, feed her some cereal, then sit on the floor for a hour drinking my coffee while we play with her toys before her next nap. Today, I couldn't do it. I nursed her in bed, then handed her to her father, turned my back to them both and cried myself back to sleep.

So. Screw all those other resolutions. If I can't get my mind right, I can't do anything else. Five months into the year, and I don't feel any better about myself. There is a trainer a my job who posts a question at each sesison, "What is the most important thing to your life?" Not what is most important in your life, but what one thing could you filter all your decisions through to make the best ones for yourself. I always said happiness, but I'm realizing that I don't exactly know what makes me happy. I don't know myself, and I can't decide what is going to make me happy and content until I figure out who in the fuck I am, what I like, what makes me happy.

I'm going for SELF-SUFFICIENCY. I don't know how to be independent anymore, I don't know how to be happy, but I think that if I can be self-sufficient, if I can develop myself outside of being a wife and a mother, figure out who I am, what I enjoy, and do it them maybe I can be happy and independent, and mentally healthy.

And anyone who wants to join me, please, I can use all the support I can find. If I'm being co-dependent, call me on it. If I'm hiding out because I'm depressed, point it out. I'll probably be pissed off to get called out, but I'll appreciate it in a few years when I am able to get my shit together and look back and see how far I've come.

And now, I'm off to hike with Taryn. These walls are closing in on me, and I need to take some initiative to get the fuck outta here.

Resolution Recap .. In short

Yeah, let's just say I really haven't done didly.

I haven't been exercising.

I haven't found a career goal, besides same money, less hours.

I haven't been biting my anger, I think I've just been angry less in general.

I haven't thought much about my business.

I have, however, been trying to get out more. Coffee, lunch, whatever.

1 out of 5... Could be worse.

Forgotten

I stumbled off the bed and down the hall as quickly as I dared, gripping Taryn in a vice made stronger by my hurt than any real fear of dropping her. I was trying to get away before the tears started, and though I didn't entirely succeed, his inattention to the situation garnered the same effect.

"Would it make a difference if I told you the truth?"

And then silence.

***

I don't know when it started. I don't recall when I turned from the fun young thing to his boring wife. I still don't see myself in the same light, but I feel my soul being crushed out of me. I feel my heart shriveling up, and my only real joy in life is her. My sweet angel who is too naive to see what a destroyed person I am.

I've lived in this lie for so long that I don't even know how to get back to the truth. I've tried being what he wanted, and I can't figure out why I fall further and further from his graces. I've tried with others too, and maybe I've failed from the effort. Back when I didn't give a shit, when I treated people like shit and did all those things I'm not proud of, back then he loved me. And I was too wrapped up in my own mess to see it, but when I did, and I tried to be a better person to deserve the love, that's when it started to fade away.

***

"What, are you jealous or something?"

He has no idea how close to the truth that is. And it's not jealousy that I want him home with me all the time, it's hurt and anger that I don't get the same attention. He doesn't rush home from work to see me anymore, or tell the boys he can't go out tonight because he and I have a date. He doesn't tell me he loves me with feeling, just the obligatory monotone of people stuck in a routine. Those nights he's home he'd rather sit on his ass watching a movie alone, or drink outside while he's on the phone with some friend or another discussing music or work or school. But not with me.

And all the while I've expressed my needs, and they still go unmet. It's not about me anymore. Even as the mother of his child, that's all I am. Not a friend or confidant, just the woman who cleans his house and takes care of his child.

I'm so heartbroken right now, I don't know what to do. Even when I tell him exactly what I'm feeling, it always turns into something else.

I cried today as I realized that I'm just not important to him anymore. And then it continues as I realize that's the course of my life. I'm a thing of the past. To my husband and my friends...

***

I'm sick of the obligatory shit.

I'm sick of hanging out because we're supposed to. I'm sick of everyone going out with their friends, having fun with each other, and staying home with me. And it's not Taryn's fault. I didn't realize that things were like this before she was born. People used my pregnancy as an excuse to keep me in. They used my pregnancy as an excuse to do their own thing without me, and I don't blame them. I'm a fucking shell of a person right now. I've been putting everyone else's priorities in front of mine. And I don't know how to do anything else, really. I don't want to start over on myself, but evidently I'm going to have to because I can't live like this anymore. I can't be the one who is invited because you feel bad for me sitting at home alone.

***

"You've changed since high school, Aletta."

So yes. Let's be honest here. I am jealous. I'm not a jealous person, but I need love and attention too. I can't survive by myself. I get hurt more than you think, even when I don't show it. I'm angry a lot more than you might think because it doesn't feel safe to let it out.

I'm an introvert, but this life that I've made isn't fulfilling my needs. I need to get out, to explore, to meet new people and go new places. And bring the light of my life with me. I can't be tied down to this house, or this husband anymore. I don't want to be tied down, I want my commitments to be strong because I love them, because the benefits are reciprocated, not because it's routine and expected.

Sounds like this is resolution #5.

***

As he walked back into the house, I could tell he was distressed. Not by the tear-stained cheeks and running mascara, but by the fact that he didn't know how to leave without the situation escalating.

"Do you want something from the store?"

When will he see it's not about food?

... ring .... ring ...

And once again I'm forgotten.

Another Resolution

I have a business idea.

I sort of jumped off P and Will's scanner thing, and thought it would be cool if people were able to get all their kids' old school work on disk, instead of keeping piles and piles of loose papers everywhere. And old photos. And any other kind of loose papers people keep.

Then I started thinking about doing organizing for folks. I mean, I'm good at organizing, keeping things neat, why not get paid to do it?

So I haven't gotten all the details worked out yet, but that's the general gist of it, and my fourth resolution is to research the idea more, write up a business plan, get a license or whatever I need, and see where that goes.

What do you think?

Resolutions

This year, I feel like I did pretty good on my resolutions. I only had 3: Write more, drink more water, and count to 10. While I was pregnant, I was drinking 64ozs a day, though I've slacked off a bit, and I'm definitely writing more, but the count to 10 got thrown out the window while I was surviving off 2-hour stretches of sleep. I think that one will get forwarded on to next year, you know, to try to preserve my marriage and all.

So next year, I'm going to work on three more things. And I'm going to try to make them realistic, because there's not much worse than setting a goal that's not attainable, and knowing from the jump you are going to fail, then actually failing.

1. Exercise more. I don't think I'll set a specific goal as to when I'm going to do it, but by the end of the year I'd like to be in the habit of doing weight training and cardio 3x per week. And I'd like to be more active the other days of the week, so I'm going to try to do more hikes with Taryn, taking the dogs on longer walks in the evenings, taking the stairs to work, that sort of thing.

2. Find a career goal. Now, this might be unnessesary if I enjoy being back at work, but if I do find that I hate being away from Taryn so much, or I'm just not digging the job anymore, I'd like to spend some time this year prioritizing my personal and professional goals, and researching what type of career would better suit me. and in addition to figuring out what I'd like to do, I want to also set up some sort of action plan to plot out how I may acheive that goal in a reasonable amount of time.

3. Count to 10. From this year. I don't think I need 4 goals to pursue in addition to caring for a new baby. I need to get my anger under control, figure out some ways to express it without hurting other people, and get my marriage back on track. The excuse of taking everything out on P because I'm not sleeping well and he isn't helping me as much as I expected is played out, and not what I want to carry into the new year.

So that's it. I also have a plan of evaluating my progress at the end of each month so I can remind myself of what needs to be done, and congratulate myself on what I've accomplished.

We'll see how it goes.