I wasn't really early for work today at all, but I had to pump right when I got here because Ms. Perky was about to erupt like a milk-filled volcanoe, and that would be messy during an intake. Not to mention a touch embarassing, but, problem averted.
But I didn't get my first intake until 8:45, and it was empty. No app, nothing. Just a Fact Sheet. So I literally did every single step of the intake myself that reception ususally takes care of, which isn't hard, just time consuming.
Yeah, so then I kind of, but-not-really broke the damn copy machine, which in and of itself is nothing unusual, but it just happened to be when the other one was occupied and my supervisor was standing next to me waiting to use it, and another GMO worker was waiting as well. And I heard later I turned a touch pink, maybe not beet-red like in the past, but noticeably ... embarrassed? Distressed? Who knows. I ended up just turning the fricking thing off and back on to get it working again. Joy.
But what was with the comment about "Oh, people besides intake workers need to use the copy machine too." Yeah, okay. First off, I was the only intake worker there. Second, I know fuck-all about copy machines, so I'm doing my best to get done, you know. And third, shut the hell up, because you're not even next in line anyway!
So then I had a client applying for food stamps, and me, in my haste this morning forgot to eat breakfast, and I felt like a jerk-off when my stomche started grumbling like an old man after eating a can of beans. I was hoping to hell she thought I had the BG's and not that I was hungry, considering her present situation.
Then when I finally got back to my office(about 45 minutes later than normal) I had an email from P saying I needed to give him $790 today for Johana to get her plane ticket, and her visa, and health insurance, so that she could be on a plan on 2/18 to come watch Taryn.
I was just a touch out of sorts, so I wasn't able to pump much. I mean, it was enough, just no leftovers, ya dig?
And of course, when I get home at lunch and try to relax, eat a nice home-cooked (well, microwaved leftovers, but I can dream right?) meal, snuggle with my baby, I get a call that La Tia has a doctor's appointment, and can my mom drop off the baby late today? To which I have to say no, because Nonny works early today, and that's why she drops the baby off a little early every Wednesday, and then there's a language-barrier-miscommunication which eventually gets worked out but which in the meantime has zapped my time, and I'm off to work again to figure out a self-employment case (which is not hard, just very detailed, and again, quite time-consuming) and...
*whew*
It's only 2:45, and it's just been a full day so far. Thank Goddess I don't have to drive to Petaluma tonight.
And thank the other Goddess of beer I've got a San Miguel waiting at home for me.
January 31, 2007
January 30, 2007
Possessed by the Flu
Ohmigod.
Normally in the morning Taryn is chipper and smiling and laughing and everything, and yeah, I know she's sick with her little runny nose and sneezing and her eyes are puffy from god-knows-what, maybe allergies, maybe from not sleeping well, but I've never seen her so angry in my life.
I was walking around the house with her this morning since she was fussing whenever I put her down, and just waiting for my mom to show up and amuse her so I could finish getting ready.
I walked over to the mirror by the door like I often do, to play with her and point out her pretty little nose, and her beautiful pouty lips, her gorilla-ish ears (she got from her Papa), and her beautiful exotic-looking eyes. But when we reached the mirror she took one look at her self, screamed an angry, pained scream, and flailed her arm so hard she smacked me in the chin and left a small red mark.
Ohmigod.
Normally in the morning Taryn is chipper and smiling and laughing and everything, and yeah, I know she's sick with her little runny nose and sneezing and her eyes are puffy from god-knows-what, maybe allergies, maybe from not sleeping well, but I've never seen her so angry in my life.
I was walking around the house with her this morning since she was fussing whenever I put her down, and just waiting for my mom to show up and amuse her so I could finish getting ready.
I walked over to the mirror by the door like I often do, to play with her and point out her pretty little nose, and her beautiful pouty lips, her gorilla-ish ears (she got from her Papa), and her beautiful exotic-looking eyes. But when we reached the mirror she took one look at her self, screamed an angry, pained scream, and flailed her arm so hard she smacked me in the chin and left a small red mark.
Ohmigod.
January 29, 2007
Who Noshed my String Cheese?
I don't know what's up with communal refridgerators at work. I suppose if I worked with adults it wouldn't be an issue, but for some reason when it comes to the 'fridge, people turn into completely egotistical children.
I mean, there's those people who bring in a whole bag or groceries for the week. They claim a drawer, or a whole shelf to themselves, and fill it with whole heads of lettuce, a bag of raw potatoes, and half a rotisserie chicken, plus all the fixin's. The problem with these folks, aside from being ignorant of the fact there are twenty-five other people on this floor who need to put their single-day's-meal into the exact same fridge, is that at the end of the week, their limp-ass lettuce, and moldy cheese and disgusting fucking concoctions get left there to stink up the room, and someone else has to clean up after them. Can we wipe your ass while we clean up the rest of your shit?
We've also got the freaks who insist on throwing everything out when they clean, including my hard-to-come-by titty milk. Do you have any idea how long it can take to pump that? And even after I tell you not to toss it, somehow, nobody quite knows how, but somehow, it gets thrown away. But thanks for cleaning out the container.
To you people who insist on eating nasty smelling food, or leaving your popcorn and bagels to burn while you use the crapper: You suck. That's all I have to say to you.
Last, but certainly not least, whoever the hell ate my string cheese, I'm looking for you. Seriously, do you have any idea how much I love my string cheese? Aside from the fact that it's so fun to peel off the strips, because we all know I savor everything, and it tastes so yummy, I need a certain amount of calories per day to produce that aforementioned titty milk, and a certain amount of milk products to burn those extra damn calories. And you want to steal not only my past-due strawberry yogurt with my initials on it, but also my string cheese with my name on a post-it? Are you stupid? Don't you know what a hungry mother who doesn't have enough food for her child will do when stressed? Do you have any idea what crazy looks like? Watch yourself, I'm on a mission. For real.
I mean, there's those people who bring in a whole bag or groceries for the week. They claim a drawer, or a whole shelf to themselves, and fill it with whole heads of lettuce, a bag of raw potatoes, and half a rotisserie chicken, plus all the fixin's. The problem with these folks, aside from being ignorant of the fact there are twenty-five other people on this floor who need to put their single-day's-meal into the exact same fridge, is that at the end of the week, their limp-ass lettuce, and moldy cheese and disgusting fucking concoctions get left there to stink up the room, and someone else has to clean up after them. Can we wipe your ass while we clean up the rest of your shit?
We've also got the freaks who insist on throwing everything out when they clean, including my hard-to-come-by titty milk. Do you have any idea how long it can take to pump that? And even after I tell you not to toss it, somehow, nobody quite knows how, but somehow, it gets thrown away. But thanks for cleaning out the container.
To you people who insist on eating nasty smelling food, or leaving your popcorn and bagels to burn while you use the crapper: You suck. That's all I have to say to you.
Last, but certainly not least, whoever the hell ate my string cheese, I'm looking for you. Seriously, do you have any idea how much I love my string cheese? Aside from the fact that it's so fun to peel off the strips, because we all know I savor everything, and it tastes so yummy, I need a certain amount of calories per day to produce that aforementioned titty milk, and a certain amount of milk products to burn those extra damn calories. And you want to steal not only my past-due strawberry yogurt with my initials on it, but also my string cheese with my name on a post-it? Are you stupid? Don't you know what a hungry mother who doesn't have enough food for her child will do when stressed? Do you have any idea what crazy looks like? Watch yourself, I'm on a mission. For real.
January 26, 2007
Ms. Perky and Lil' Bit
First off, sorry to all my big-busted friends. I never realized how much this sucks the bigger you get.
I think we've all noticed at one point or another that the twins weren't exactly equal in stature. In my case, Ms. Perky seems perpetually excited, and Lil' Bit a bit on the depressed side. Maybe a sign of the Gemini? Or maybe my rack is just biolar.
But it's really been hitting me since Taryn has been sleeping through the night that there is a major disparity between the two. It seems no matter which side I nurse her on first at night, Ms. perky always seems to be painfully engorged in the morning, while Lil' Bit remains bearably full. And I'm not going to tell you which side is which, you can guess for yourself (!) but it does present a problem as I'm a stomache sleeper, and obviously can't do so with the jugs ready to be emptied.
So yeah. No real point to this except, damn. I thought they'd even out a bit more. But even completely deflated, these lovely ladies aren't quite in step with each other. But I can't complain. I'm still small and I can get away without wearing a bra as long as the faucets don't start leaking. I just can't imagine how tilted the scale might be if I were even a cup larger.
I think we've all noticed at one point or another that the twins weren't exactly equal in stature. In my case, Ms. Perky seems perpetually excited, and Lil' Bit a bit on the depressed side. Maybe a sign of the Gemini? Or maybe my rack is just biolar.
But it's really been hitting me since Taryn has been sleeping through the night that there is a major disparity between the two. It seems no matter which side I nurse her on first at night, Ms. perky always seems to be painfully engorged in the morning, while Lil' Bit remains bearably full. And I'm not going to tell you which side is which, you can guess for yourself (!) but it does present a problem as I'm a stomache sleeper, and obviously can't do so with the jugs ready to be emptied.
So yeah. No real point to this except, damn. I thought they'd even out a bit more. But even completely deflated, these lovely ladies aren't quite in step with each other. But I can't complain. I'm still small and I can get away without wearing a bra as long as the faucets don't start leaking. I just can't imagine how tilted the scale might be if I were even a cup larger.
January 25, 2007
Hi! Just Me Being Bitter Again!
No, no, no. I don't really think I'm a bitter person, just fully aware of my own shortcomings. And I've become aware lately that God has given me these shortcomings so that I can overcome them and become a better person.
Lying in bed last night, I realized that I have every right to be envious of some of the people around me, but I'm just not. I mean, why waste what little energy I have left on being jealous? Especially when I can just learn from these people, because obviously they are in my life for a reason.
Like Teresa. She's got a great sense of style and she's not a size zero. The last month or so of my pregnancy up until now, I have put off buying clothes because I kept thinking I'd get back down to my pre-pregnancy size. And okay, I get it. I'm bigger, and I'm comfortable in my body now, so I might as well put a little bit of effort into getting dressed in the morning. I'm not going to go splurge on a whole new wardrobe, and maybe I'll try to stick to getting big 9's instead of normal 11's, but a couple new pieces every once in a while will get me back into a creative rotation that I've been missing for months.
And then we have Ally, who's been through so much more than I have, and she's still chipper as shit most of the time. She's been able to keep on loving instead of hiding from the world like I did. I used to feel safer not being close to anyone, but I'm realizign how much I've missed out on by being alone and not sharing myself with others. And yeah, I write about it, but really, I need to start opening up more in person, making myself vulnerable and maybe learning something in the process.
Which brings us to the social skills realm which I am abviously lacking. Around people I know or are already comfortable with, I'm a dork, and completely fine with it. But when I get around folks I'm intimidated by, or just plain don't know well enough, I clam up. And I'm still a dork, but then I actually feel embarassed of my dork-i-ness. And I know I shouldn't because that's me, but even knowign that doesn't change the feeling yet. Sometimes. And I have to admire P on this one who came to the US without speaking English, fell in love, and pursued me even when people told him he didnt stand a chance because I was too good for him, and all that bullshit. He was embarassed and ashamed he didn't speak the language, but that didn't stop him from doing what he knew was in his heart.
Um, let's see. Patience? I'm working on it. I really am. I won't even call out a specific person because I think most of the world has more inborn patience than I have on my best day. Seriously. I don't know if I'm getting more patient, but I'm definitely controlling my impatience better. So whatever, it's a start. But, hi Susana! I've told your husband many times that if he was my man, he's be dead in a grave years ago after I smothered him with a pillow. So mad props to you for being able to deal with a "difficult" husband, and two kids, and three lizards....
And then there's all the people in great relationships, which at times seems like everyone but me. I'd admit, P has his good days, if I'm lucky a week, but there's always that thought hanging over my head that it won't last, and that the things he says to me are just too hurtful to ever really fully appreciate when he's being good. And I'm so happy that my friends are with good partners, but it just sucks ass sometimes that I have to live vicariously to experience a functional relationship. I feel like we're stuck at this weird phase, where we haven't been together long enough to really know how to work through big issues without the yelling and crying, but at the same time we've been together long enough that we necessarily have major issues to work through.
And then to top it all off, I haven't gotten my hair cut since I was like 7 months pregnant, and damnit, I've got split ends from the blow dryer, and curling iron, and dyeing it... So yeah, I'm just being bitter right now. Please excuse the crazy woman spitting out the window.
Lying in bed last night, I realized that I have every right to be envious of some of the people around me, but I'm just not. I mean, why waste what little energy I have left on being jealous? Especially when I can just learn from these people, because obviously they are in my life for a reason.
Like Teresa. She's got a great sense of style and she's not a size zero. The last month or so of my pregnancy up until now, I have put off buying clothes because I kept thinking I'd get back down to my pre-pregnancy size. And okay, I get it. I'm bigger, and I'm comfortable in my body now, so I might as well put a little bit of effort into getting dressed in the morning. I'm not going to go splurge on a whole new wardrobe, and maybe I'll try to stick to getting big 9's instead of normal 11's, but a couple new pieces every once in a while will get me back into a creative rotation that I've been missing for months.
And then we have Ally, who's been through so much more than I have, and she's still chipper as shit most of the time. She's been able to keep on loving instead of hiding from the world like I did. I used to feel safer not being close to anyone, but I'm realizign how much I've missed out on by being alone and not sharing myself with others. And yeah, I write about it, but really, I need to start opening up more in person, making myself vulnerable and maybe learning something in the process.
Which brings us to the social skills realm which I am abviously lacking. Around people I know or are already comfortable with, I'm a dork, and completely fine with it. But when I get around folks I'm intimidated by, or just plain don't know well enough, I clam up. And I'm still a dork, but then I actually feel embarassed of my dork-i-ness. And I know I shouldn't because that's me, but even knowign that doesn't change the feeling yet. Sometimes. And I have to admire P on this one who came to the US without speaking English, fell in love, and pursued me even when people told him he didnt stand a chance because I was too good for him, and all that bullshit. He was embarassed and ashamed he didn't speak the language, but that didn't stop him from doing what he knew was in his heart.
Um, let's see. Patience? I'm working on it. I really am. I won't even call out a specific person because I think most of the world has more inborn patience than I have on my best day. Seriously. I don't know if I'm getting more patient, but I'm definitely controlling my impatience better. So whatever, it's a start. But, hi Susana! I've told your husband many times that if he was my man, he's be dead in a grave years ago after I smothered him with a pillow. So mad props to you for being able to deal with a "difficult" husband, and two kids, and three lizards....
And then there's all the people in great relationships, which at times seems like everyone but me. I'd admit, P has his good days, if I'm lucky a week, but there's always that thought hanging over my head that it won't last, and that the things he says to me are just too hurtful to ever really fully appreciate when he's being good. And I'm so happy that my friends are with good partners, but it just sucks ass sometimes that I have to live vicariously to experience a functional relationship. I feel like we're stuck at this weird phase, where we haven't been together long enough to really know how to work through big issues without the yelling and crying, but at the same time we've been together long enough that we necessarily have major issues to work through.
And then to top it all off, I haven't gotten my hair cut since I was like 7 months pregnant, and damnit, I've got split ends from the blow dryer, and curling iron, and dyeing it... So yeah, I'm just being bitter right now. Please excuse the crazy woman spitting out the window.
January 21, 2007
Girlfriends
In high school, I was one of those girls who had one female "best friend" and a lot of male friends. I didn't get along with females too well, in my mind because they were intimidated by me and treated me like shit because their boys were always trying to talk to me (which was often true) but looking back I think it was easier to have male friends and retain some essence of control in the relationship. Like, I'll kick it with you, but I get to decide how close we get and how long we remain friends. With females, I didn't have that control. I was at the whim of their moods, and maybe this week we'd be friends, but next week we wouldn't. I had enough mood swings of my own without dealing with theirs too.
Don't get me wrong, I always had girlfriends, but they were just never as close as a lot of the guys were. The shitty part being I didn't feel like I could trust them with intimate details of my life like I trusted some of the guys. Because it seemed that when it came down to it, girls at that age were usually taking the sides of their men and leaving thier female friends to fend for themselves when shit went down.
Looking back on my friendships when I was in high school, I'm disappointed that I didn't take the time to cultivate deeper relationships with other women. I miss it now, now that I see the value of having female friends, and the manipulations that men spin with women they are attracted to. I know it's not all about hok-ups for all guys, but for enough it is, and they've tainted my view of single men. Aside from that, I don't really have a choice now, you know? Because a lot guys don't want married female friends. For obvious reasons.
I was just sitting here feeling so grateful for the women that I am close to now. To be able to sit down at any point in the day, regardless of whatever is going on around us and share a funny story about our kids, or a hug when one of us is going through a rough time, or to just check in and go over some small detail of an upcoming party or wedding, and effortlessly transition into the latest gossip or newest shoe purchase. You just don't get that with a lot of guy friends.
To be able to cry in front of someone and not make them feel uncomfortable, or to relive the gory details of childbirth and have someone completely understand, or to be so busy you don't talk for weeks, and when you finally sit down to catch up it's like no time has passed at all, it's priceless. And even when we're all at different points in our lives, some of us having children (okay, so that's a huge group of "some" right at the moment), some getting married, others changing jobs or schools, we always seem to be able to connect, and empathize, and laugh together.
So for all those times I bemoaned being female, when Aunt Flo came to visit, I had to pee out in the wilderness, or when I was in labor for 11.5 hours while my husband was pain-free, I just have to say I'm damn glad to have been born a woman, and to have the opportunity to have met all my girlfriends.
Don't get me wrong, I always had girlfriends, but they were just never as close as a lot of the guys were. The shitty part being I didn't feel like I could trust them with intimate details of my life like I trusted some of the guys. Because it seemed that when it came down to it, girls at that age were usually taking the sides of their men and leaving thier female friends to fend for themselves when shit went down.
Looking back on my friendships when I was in high school, I'm disappointed that I didn't take the time to cultivate deeper relationships with other women. I miss it now, now that I see the value of having female friends, and the manipulations that men spin with women they are attracted to. I know it's not all about hok-ups for all guys, but for enough it is, and they've tainted my view of single men. Aside from that, I don't really have a choice now, you know? Because a lot guys don't want married female friends. For obvious reasons.
I was just sitting here feeling so grateful for the women that I am close to now. To be able to sit down at any point in the day, regardless of whatever is going on around us and share a funny story about our kids, or a hug when one of us is going through a rough time, or to just check in and go over some small detail of an upcoming party or wedding, and effortlessly transition into the latest gossip or newest shoe purchase. You just don't get that with a lot of guy friends.
To be able to cry in front of someone and not make them feel uncomfortable, or to relive the gory details of childbirth and have someone completely understand, or to be so busy you don't talk for weeks, and when you finally sit down to catch up it's like no time has passed at all, it's priceless. And even when we're all at different points in our lives, some of us having children (okay, so that's a huge group of "some" right at the moment), some getting married, others changing jobs or schools, we always seem to be able to connect, and empathize, and laugh together.
So for all those times I bemoaned being female, when Aunt Flo came to visit, I had to pee out in the wilderness, or when I was in labor for 11.5 hours while my husband was pain-free, I just have to say I'm damn glad to have been born a woman, and to have the opportunity to have met all my girlfriends.
January 20, 2007
Month Seven
Time has flown by so fast, and no month has gone by faster than this one. If I remember, a month ago you didn't exactly always get the binkie into your mouth correctly, and now you're a pro at picking it up, sticking it in so you can chew on it a bit, and even offering it to me and the puppies! You're cutting your third tooth now too, and pretty soon you'll have a mouth full of pearly whites to show off in those adorable smiles.
I think the biggest change in you has been the blossoming personality. You know your name and respond to it, and your sense of humor is in it's own little world. I see you look at something, like someone wearing glasses, or grab a handful of someone's hair, and just start cracking up for no other reason. You've also become quite ticklish, you laugh in your sleep if I give you a kiss behind your ears, and double over in body-shaking chuckles when I tickle your arms, legs and feet. The cutest though is when you lift up your arms so I'll will pick you up, and nuzzle my cheeck when you're sleepy.
Speaking of sleep, you have turned into an amazing sleeper in the past couple weeks, going anywhere from 8-10 hours straight without waking up to nurse. And bathtime has turned into a circus too, with you kicking and splashing the water, playing with your duckies, and chewing on the faucet. And you get genuinely angry when it's time to get out, kicking and shrieking until you're all bundled up in your towel and bouncing along up the stairs to get your jammies on. I wish I could say the solids were going as well. You've gone from a reluctant eater to a picky little thing, only opening your mouth for oatmeal and peaches. Sometimes you'll let us spoon in something new, but it'll be interesting to see if you develope a taste for banans and apples, because right now, you refuse to let them past your pouty little lips.
Since I've been back at work, you've spent half the day with your Nonny, and half with your Tia.You seem to do very well without me, a fact that I'm grateful for, and also a touch sad about, but I'm happy you are having fun and developing relationships with both. I do wish though, that you would take a nap, just once, for longer than 15 minutes at la Tia's house. Then we could stay up later and play.
So my Love, my wish for you this month is that you always find humor in life, and keep your strong preferences. Being a push-over never helped anyone in the long run, and deep down inside we all know what we really want and like, I hope you never lose touch with yourself.
You're sitting in my lap now, playing with a bottle of Tylenol. Probably not the best toy, but it was close by and child-preef, and you really seem to like it. I just hope I'm not priming you for a pill-addiction later in life.
I love you,
Mommy
I think the biggest change in you has been the blossoming personality. You know your name and respond to it, and your sense of humor is in it's own little world. I see you look at something, like someone wearing glasses, or grab a handful of someone's hair, and just start cracking up for no other reason. You've also become quite ticklish, you laugh in your sleep if I give you a kiss behind your ears, and double over in body-shaking chuckles when I tickle your arms, legs and feet. The cutest though is when you lift up your arms so I'll will pick you up, and nuzzle my cheeck when you're sleepy.
Speaking of sleep, you have turned into an amazing sleeper in the past couple weeks, going anywhere from 8-10 hours straight without waking up to nurse. And bathtime has turned into a circus too, with you kicking and splashing the water, playing with your duckies, and chewing on the faucet. And you get genuinely angry when it's time to get out, kicking and shrieking until you're all bundled up in your towel and bouncing along up the stairs to get your jammies on. I wish I could say the solids were going as well. You've gone from a reluctant eater to a picky little thing, only opening your mouth for oatmeal and peaches. Sometimes you'll let us spoon in something new, but it'll be interesting to see if you develope a taste for banans and apples, because right now, you refuse to let them past your pouty little lips.
Since I've been back at work, you've spent half the day with your Nonny, and half with your Tia.You seem to do very well without me, a fact that I'm grateful for, and also a touch sad about, but I'm happy you are having fun and developing relationships with both. I do wish though, that you would take a nap, just once, for longer than 15 minutes at la Tia's house. Then we could stay up later and play.
So my Love, my wish for you this month is that you always find humor in life, and keep your strong preferences. Being a push-over never helped anyone in the long run, and deep down inside we all know what we really want and like, I hope you never lose touch with yourself.
You're sitting in my lap now, playing with a bottle of Tylenol. Probably not the best toy, but it was close by and child-preef, and you really seem to like it. I just hope I'm not priming you for a pill-addiction later in life.
I love you,
Mommy
January 19, 2007
I Have Issues with the Dishwasher (Revived from Myspace)
Most people think I have some weird obsession with not letting people do dishes at my house. What it really is, most people do it wrong and I get stuck fixing it later.
P-Dely, for example, doesn't get the concept of putting the dishes in straight, and separating dinner plates on the bottom, from glasses and bowls on top. This causes me to have to re-arrange the damn dishes every time he puts dishes in (which has been like 10 times since we've had a dishwasher. I think he gets that he's doing something wrong, but can't figure out what), so that I can fit more than three plates and six bowls in before turning it on.
On the other hand, my mom crams so many fricking dishes in that the water sprayer thing doesn't come up and hence the damn dishes don't get cleaned. No offense to her, because her eyesight isn't what it used to be, but there's crap left on the dishes. So then I have to unload half of them, run the dishwasher, empty it, then load the rest in a do it all over again.
And of course, there's Jeff. My lovely, super-extra-more-anal-than-I-could-ever-stand-to-be brother. He refuses to use the dishwasher at all, and will clean every single dinner plate, cup, bowl, fork, knife, pot and pan by hand. Something about it not being sanitary, I think. But then I just feel bad, so I can't let him do it either.
See, so it's not really about me being weird, it's everyone else, right? I seem to be the only one who knows how to do it right, so that's why I insist that you put the plates down and don't start washing. It's not that after cleaning the house, making drinks for everyone, and preparing dinner that I really, really want to do the dishes, it's just simpler that way.
Less stress. Because stress is bad for the baby...
P-Dely, for example, doesn't get the concept of putting the dishes in straight, and separating dinner plates on the bottom, from glasses and bowls on top. This causes me to have to re-arrange the damn dishes every time he puts dishes in (which has been like 10 times since we've had a dishwasher. I think he gets that he's doing something wrong, but can't figure out what), so that I can fit more than three plates and six bowls in before turning it on.
On the other hand, my mom crams so many fricking dishes in that the water sprayer thing doesn't come up and hence the damn dishes don't get cleaned. No offense to her, because her eyesight isn't what it used to be, but there's crap left on the dishes. So then I have to unload half of them, run the dishwasher, empty it, then load the rest in a do it all over again.
And of course, there's Jeff. My lovely, super-extra-more-anal-than-I-could-ever-stand-to-be brother. He refuses to use the dishwasher at all, and will clean every single dinner plate, cup, bowl, fork, knife, pot and pan by hand. Something about it not being sanitary, I think. But then I just feel bad, so I can't let him do it either.
See, so it's not really about me being weird, it's everyone else, right? I seem to be the only one who knows how to do it right, so that's why I insist that you put the plates down and don't start washing. It's not that after cleaning the house, making drinks for everyone, and preparing dinner that I really, really want to do the dishes, it's just simpler that way.
Less stress. Because stress is bad for the baby...
January 18, 2007
Stupid Non-Mother Kaiser Nurse
I called Kaiser last night to check on a couple cold medications to make sure they were okay to take while I'm breastfeeding. While I was talking to her, since she seemed very nice and more informed than a lot of the other nurses I've spoken to, I decided to ask her the burning question: "Can Taryn go 5 hours without milk, twice per day?"
I hadn't gotten a chance to ask her pedi at her appointment yesterday because a nurse just came in to give Taryn her flu shot, then we left. Then nurse I spoke to was nice, and readiy admitted she didn't have any information on that specific question, since it was concerning my let-down being non-existent at work, and not weaning Taryn. She said she understood not wanting to give her formula, and decided to email Dr. M to get his opinion on the situation. She even read to me what she was sending, to make sure it was accurate.
This morning, a different, stupid Kaiser nurse called me at work. First off, I said to call my cell, but, okay, maybe she just wasn't completely on top of things that early in the morning. Right off the bat though, she started pissing me off.
"Hi, you called last night with some questions about breastfeeding?"
No, I don't have any problems breastfeeding. I'm having problems with my let-down reflex at work.
"Oh, okay. Well, have you tried fenugreek?"
I'm drinking that tea right now. But listen, I've probably tried everything you're going to suggest, like massage, and meditation, deep breathing, visualization, drinking more water...
"Well, have you tried Brewer's Yeast or Mother's Milk tea? Those can increase your milk supply."
But like I already said, I don't have a problem with supply, just my let-down. I can nurse her fine, it's pumping at work that isn't working. I really just wanted to know if nursing her every 5 hours is enough while I'm away at work, with solids in between.
"Maybe it's stress? Stress can affect your let-down."
Well, obviously. I already know that. I need help to fix this situation, and I need to know how long she can go without milk since I'm only getting 2 ounces each time I pump.
"Well, that's not enough milk for her. You're going to have to supplement with formula if you can't pump more than that."
[So now I'm thinking, this stupid bitch just told me I don't make enough milk for my child. She said stress will affect my let-down, but the wench tells me I'll have to supplement if it doesn't get better so my child basically doesn't starve, but still doesn't give me any suggestions] Right. I don't want to supplement, so is there anything you can tell me to help with my let-down so I don't have to?
"No. I've never heard of this problem before."
[Stupid, worthless excuse for a woman! Obviously you don't have kids or you'd have heard of this, and you might be a little more willing to help me out. Not say shit that's going to stress me out even more. I hate you! I have Kaiser! I hate advice nurses!] Well, okay. You're not very helpful, you know? I think I'll have better luck looking on the internet. Click.
Seriously, how do these people get jobs? I didn't even have time to shut my office door before the tears were streaming down my face. So all this coupled with a crippling stomache-ache, a sinus infection ... just too much. So I called P.
[Sniffling] Baby, I need to talk to ...
"I'm busy, can I call you back?"
I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but can I get a second of someone's time to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me? This is so damn frustrating.
I hadn't gotten a chance to ask her pedi at her appointment yesterday because a nurse just came in to give Taryn her flu shot, then we left. Then nurse I spoke to was nice, and readiy admitted she didn't have any information on that specific question, since it was concerning my let-down being non-existent at work, and not weaning Taryn. She said she understood not wanting to give her formula, and decided to email Dr. M to get his opinion on the situation. She even read to me what she was sending, to make sure it was accurate.
This morning, a different, stupid Kaiser nurse called me at work. First off, I said to call my cell, but, okay, maybe she just wasn't completely on top of things that early in the morning. Right off the bat though, she started pissing me off.
"Hi, you called last night with some questions about breastfeeding?"
No, I don't have any problems breastfeeding. I'm having problems with my let-down reflex at work.
"Oh, okay. Well, have you tried fenugreek?"
I'm drinking that tea right now. But listen, I've probably tried everything you're going to suggest, like massage, and meditation, deep breathing, visualization, drinking more water...
"Well, have you tried Brewer's Yeast or Mother's Milk tea? Those can increase your milk supply."
But like I already said, I don't have a problem with supply, just my let-down. I can nurse her fine, it's pumping at work that isn't working. I really just wanted to know if nursing her every 5 hours is enough while I'm away at work, with solids in between.
"Maybe it's stress? Stress can affect your let-down."
Well, obviously. I already know that. I need help to fix this situation, and I need to know how long she can go without milk since I'm only getting 2 ounces each time I pump.
"Well, that's not enough milk for her. You're going to have to supplement with formula if you can't pump more than that."
[So now I'm thinking, this stupid bitch just told me I don't make enough milk for my child. She said stress will affect my let-down, but the wench tells me I'll have to supplement if it doesn't get better so my child basically doesn't starve, but still doesn't give me any suggestions] Right. I don't want to supplement, so is there anything you can tell me to help with my let-down so I don't have to?
"No. I've never heard of this problem before."
[Stupid, worthless excuse for a woman! Obviously you don't have kids or you'd have heard of this, and you might be a little more willing to help me out. Not say shit that's going to stress me out even more. I hate you! I have Kaiser! I hate advice nurses!] Well, okay. You're not very helpful, you know? I think I'll have better luck looking on the internet. Click.
Seriously, how do these people get jobs? I didn't even have time to shut my office door before the tears were streaming down my face. So all this coupled with a crippling stomache-ache, a sinus infection ... just too much. So I called P.
[Sniffling] Baby, I need to talk to ...
"I'm busy, can I call you back?"
I know the world doesn't revolve around me, but can I get a second of someone's time to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me? This is so damn frustrating.
January 17, 2007
Already a Good Samaritan
P, Taryn and I were sitting on the couch this evening, I had just fed her, and I was cuddling before she got tired enough for me to put her in her crib. She had her binkie in her mouth, and was taking it out, adn putting it back in, smacking it on her forehead, P's arm, and my chin, then putting it back in her mouth.
Since she didn't seem to really need to suck on it, I started making a smacking sound with my mouth, and asked her "Can Mommy try your binkie?" And to my astonishment, the little bugger actually tried to put her binkie in my mouth!
She tried a couple times but wasn't actually able to get the nipple in, probably because I was laughing too hard and since she was lying on my stomach, she was sort of bouncing up and down. Then she stuck the binkie back in her mouth, and when I made that smacking sound again, she kept trying to put it back in my mouth. I was so proud my little Duckie is already a generous baby.
So after that, she laid her head down for a little while, spaced out watching Rosco lick his foot, then all of a sudden stuck her hand out, binkie attached, and tried to put it into Rosco's mouth! She tried a couple times, but he didn't take it, and yeah, we were cracking up to see her try to offer her prized binkie to anyone who would take it. What a sweet girl...
Since she didn't seem to really need to suck on it, I started making a smacking sound with my mouth, and asked her "Can Mommy try your binkie?" And to my astonishment, the little bugger actually tried to put her binkie in my mouth!
She tried a couple times but wasn't actually able to get the nipple in, probably because I was laughing too hard and since she was lying on my stomach, she was sort of bouncing up and down. Then she stuck the binkie back in her mouth, and when I made that smacking sound again, she kept trying to put it back in my mouth. I was so proud my little Duckie is already a generous baby.
So after that, she laid her head down for a little while, spaced out watching Rosco lick his foot, then all of a sudden stuck her hand out, binkie attached, and tried to put it into Rosco's mouth! She tried a couple times, but he didn't take it, and yeah, we were cracking up to see her try to offer her prized binkie to anyone who would take it. What a sweet girl...
January 15, 2007
Happily Ever After
When P and I were married almost 5 years ago, a lot of thought went into not having a big wedding. Topping our list were the very real issues of 1) we didn't want to be paying off a wedding for the next 10 years, and 2) most of the members of our families were spread out across four countries and three continents.
Our plan after we were engaged was to have two small ceremonies, one in North America for my family and one in South American to include his. Then, a couple days before Spring Break my freshman year of college, P's nephew was born with a spinal defect that was going to require multiple surgeries not only to fix, but to save his life. We made a hasty decision to scrap our wedding and send the money we would have spent down to his sister to help pay for the surgeries.
I flew back home on Friday night, and we discussed Saturday morning over breakfast at Marvin's what to do. Since we knew a wedding ceremony was so much less important than the situation his sister was facing, we decided to schedule an appointment to get married at the Justice of the Peace. The next Friday. We spent time in the evenings that week after work picking out another wedding ring for me, my wedding dress and making reservations for our wedding night. I got my nails done, and Friday afternoon we met at the Civic Center with my mom and uncle (my brother was away in the Navy) and P's aunt.
The ceremony was short and sweet. It was cold outside, so P held me close and sheltered me from the wind as we said our vows. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling during mine. He was so nervous he skipped over quite a few words while reciting his. We took some beautiful pictures with the hills of Marin county in the background, and afterwards went over to Embassy Suites and had champage and appetizers. P and I had our wedding night dinner in Tiburon, and spent our first night as husband and wife at Tiburon Lodge. The next day our families and many of our closest friends came to my mom's apartment for a small reception. La Tia decorated our wedding cake with fresh roses, and my mom prepared food and drinks for us. We laughed, drank, reminisced, opened presents, and couldn't have been happier with our decision. I will always look back at that day with the people we were closest to celebrating our happy day as one of the sweetest in my life.
The point of this story ... I'm not really sure. I went to my first bridal fair this weekend with a friend, and I guess I was a little shocked at how big of a deal weddings are. I don't think it's frivolous, exactly. I just don't understand why people would spend $25 or $50 thousand dollars on one day. I enjoy weddings, but I guess I'm not one of those people who needs a big production to fabricate one of the better memories of my life.
Maybe it's because I didn't ever really think I would have a big wedding. I never got myself worked up imagining all the things I could have when I was younger, and as I got older and life got more real, I knew it wasn't in the cards. Or maybe it was because I can think of so many other things I would do with that much money. I don't know. I feel so disconnected from all the planning, because I just don't get it. I mean, I can logically see what needs to be done, what needs to be booked, and planned, and I'm excited to take part in the production, but when it's all said and done, I don't know if I will ever understand the fantasy.
I've learned the hard way what goes into maintaining a marriage. Maybe things would have been easier if we had had a big production, so when times got rough we could look back and smile at that one happy day. But then maybe we wouldn't have been able to buy the house if we were still in debt from it. Who knows what could have happened if it were done differently? And who knows, maybe in another 5 years we'll decide to have another ceremony to renew our vows with our families present.
Something small and intimate. As little stress as possible.
Our plan after we were engaged was to have two small ceremonies, one in North America for my family and one in South American to include his. Then, a couple days before Spring Break my freshman year of college, P's nephew was born with a spinal defect that was going to require multiple surgeries not only to fix, but to save his life. We made a hasty decision to scrap our wedding and send the money we would have spent down to his sister to help pay for the surgeries.
I flew back home on Friday night, and we discussed Saturday morning over breakfast at Marvin's what to do. Since we knew a wedding ceremony was so much less important than the situation his sister was facing, we decided to schedule an appointment to get married at the Justice of the Peace. The next Friday. We spent time in the evenings that week after work picking out another wedding ring for me, my wedding dress and making reservations for our wedding night. I got my nails done, and Friday afternoon we met at the Civic Center with my mom and uncle (my brother was away in the Navy) and P's aunt.
The ceremony was short and sweet. It was cold outside, so P held me close and sheltered me from the wind as we said our vows. I was so happy I couldn't stop smiling during mine. He was so nervous he skipped over quite a few words while reciting his. We took some beautiful pictures with the hills of Marin county in the background, and afterwards went over to Embassy Suites and had champage and appetizers. P and I had our wedding night dinner in Tiburon, and spent our first night as husband and wife at Tiburon Lodge. The next day our families and many of our closest friends came to my mom's apartment for a small reception. La Tia decorated our wedding cake with fresh roses, and my mom prepared food and drinks for us. We laughed, drank, reminisced, opened presents, and couldn't have been happier with our decision. I will always look back at that day with the people we were closest to celebrating our happy day as one of the sweetest in my life.
The point of this story ... I'm not really sure. I went to my first bridal fair this weekend with a friend, and I guess I was a little shocked at how big of a deal weddings are. I don't think it's frivolous, exactly. I just don't understand why people would spend $25 or $50 thousand dollars on one day. I enjoy weddings, but I guess I'm not one of those people who needs a big production to fabricate one of the better memories of my life.
Maybe it's because I didn't ever really think I would have a big wedding. I never got myself worked up imagining all the things I could have when I was younger, and as I got older and life got more real, I knew it wasn't in the cards. Or maybe it was because I can think of so many other things I would do with that much money. I don't know. I feel so disconnected from all the planning, because I just don't get it. I mean, I can logically see what needs to be done, what needs to be booked, and planned, and I'm excited to take part in the production, but when it's all said and done, I don't know if I will ever understand the fantasy.
I've learned the hard way what goes into maintaining a marriage. Maybe things would have been easier if we had had a big production, so when times got rough we could look back and smile at that one happy day. But then maybe we wouldn't have been able to buy the house if we were still in debt from it. Who knows what could have happened if it were done differently? And who knows, maybe in another 5 years we'll decide to have another ceremony to renew our vows with our families present.
Something small and intimate. As little stress as possible.
January 13, 2007
Balance
"What's the most important thing to your life?"
I went to a workshop at work the other day, some no-shit-Shirlock seminar on how perception and communication affect stress levels. I don't think I learned anything new, but I did get a refresher on some ideas to lower my stress level at work, and validation that it isn't always the best idea to become friends with people you work with. As opposed to friendly, of course.
One of the questions the facilitator asked towards the end was the one above. My first answer was family, until he clarified it's not asking what's most important in your life, but rather what one thing could you filter all your decisions through to make your life better.
I'm a Gemini. It's probably pretty obvious to those who know about the signs, and I blame my mood swings on the Zodiac. And in that same vein, I'm thinking that balance is probably the most important thing to my life.
I have a tendency to go to extremes. I get obsessive about things, albeit sometimes for quite a short amount of time, like exercising. Or quitting smoking. Or being a "good" mom. And I don't think that's healthy. I mean, I know it's not healthy, but it feels like something I don't have a lot of control over.
And I'm not making a new resolution. I've got enough of those, but I'm going to try to start filtering my decisions, when I remember what's most important to my life, by thinking about balance.
For example. I haven't been at my most social in the past year or so, partly because of being pregnant and a new mom, but also because I've just been feeling kind of depressed and shitty about myself in regards to my complete lack of social skills and my imperfect marriage. Two things come up when I think about this. First, I've been holding so much inside about how I'm feeling that until recently, most of the people I am close to had no idea I was feeling like this. And second, I've been a hermit because I'm scared to leave Taryn, but a couple times I did drink since she's been born I was ... how did Brandon put it once? Incoherent, I believe he said. And only when I knew P would be sober, but at the same time I feel like if I didn't have the urge to go from one extreme to the other, from super-reliable mommy to drunk-off-my-ass and irresponsible, I might be happier about my situation.
My point being, these manic swings in mood and responsibility level aren't healthy. And cycling between them so fast that I don't ever find resolution with the feelings I'm having is making things worse. So I'll try. I am trying, I mean.
My mom mentioned something the other day, that if I can accept my own faults, I'll be better able to accept Taryn's. My first reaction was that I do accept hers. She's perfect how she is, and how she'll be, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if she grows up to be like me (a "typical" gemini, I mean), how will I reconcile that? How can I hate a trait in myself, and feel okay that she has the same quirk? That disconnect is something I need to work on, and I agree that when I learn to be okay with not being perfect, I'll be happier and more content with my life.
Because only one person in the world can be perfect, right? And since Taryn is that one person, I guess I'm shit-out-of-luck.
I went to a workshop at work the other day, some no-shit-Shirlock seminar on how perception and communication affect stress levels. I don't think I learned anything new, but I did get a refresher on some ideas to lower my stress level at work, and validation that it isn't always the best idea to become friends with people you work with. As opposed to friendly, of course.
One of the questions the facilitator asked towards the end was the one above. My first answer was family, until he clarified it's not asking what's most important in your life, but rather what one thing could you filter all your decisions through to make your life better.
I'm a Gemini. It's probably pretty obvious to those who know about the signs, and I blame my mood swings on the Zodiac. And in that same vein, I'm thinking that balance is probably the most important thing to my life.
I have a tendency to go to extremes. I get obsessive about things, albeit sometimes for quite a short amount of time, like exercising. Or quitting smoking. Or being a "good" mom. And I don't think that's healthy. I mean, I know it's not healthy, but it feels like something I don't have a lot of control over.
And I'm not making a new resolution. I've got enough of those, but I'm going to try to start filtering my decisions, when I remember what's most important to my life, by thinking about balance.
For example. I haven't been at my most social in the past year or so, partly because of being pregnant and a new mom, but also because I've just been feeling kind of depressed and shitty about myself in regards to my complete lack of social skills and my imperfect marriage. Two things come up when I think about this. First, I've been holding so much inside about how I'm feeling that until recently, most of the people I am close to had no idea I was feeling like this. And second, I've been a hermit because I'm scared to leave Taryn, but a couple times I did drink since she's been born I was ... how did Brandon put it once? Incoherent, I believe he said. And only when I knew P would be sober, but at the same time I feel like if I didn't have the urge to go from one extreme to the other, from super-reliable mommy to drunk-off-my-ass and irresponsible, I might be happier about my situation.
My point being, these manic swings in mood and responsibility level aren't healthy. And cycling between them so fast that I don't ever find resolution with the feelings I'm having is making things worse. So I'll try. I am trying, I mean.
My mom mentioned something the other day, that if I can accept my own faults, I'll be better able to accept Taryn's. My first reaction was that I do accept hers. She's perfect how she is, and how she'll be, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if she grows up to be like me (a "typical" gemini, I mean), how will I reconcile that? How can I hate a trait in myself, and feel okay that she has the same quirk? That disconnect is something I need to work on, and I agree that when I learn to be okay with not being perfect, I'll be happier and more content with my life.
Because only one person in the world can be perfect, right? And since Taryn is that one person, I guess I'm shit-out-of-luck.
January 10, 2007
Lotion Addict
Um yeah. I'm totally addicted to lotion. I always knew I had a problem, I just didn't realize the extent of it until a few days ago when I realized just how much lotion I own. And use. Every day.
Because I have issues.
I use Aveeno face lotion. I have sensitive skin, you know? And I need something that lessens the redness and takes care of the pimples (I know, I'm too old for that, but have you seen me lately? Stress, I tell you. The bane of my facial existence). And I love the fact it has these shimmery beads in it so I look kind of glowy, even when I haven't slept in days. It also has SPF 15, so I'm protecting my skin. Very important.
Then from the neck to my ankles, I use this Dove Nighttime Firming lotion. Because I can use all the help I can get on tightening up the danmage Taryn inflicted on my skin. I'm not bitter, just proactive. And it smells divine. I sniff my arm as I'm falling asleep...
Of course on my hands I use this de-lish holostic lavender, chamomile and mint Anti-Stress Lotion. I keep that one at work, for when I need to relax, you know. Take a deep breath, breathe in the soothing essences, breathe out the homicidal thoughts. And it's not oily, so I don't grease up my keyboard and phone if someone interrupts my meditation and I actually have to do some real work.
Down on the tootsies, I use cocoa butter and vitamin E lotion. I used to used that all over when I was preggo, but obviously it didn't do much to stave off the stretch marks. It does wonders keeping my feet nice and soft though, I slather it on at night after my shower and put some cotton socks on. The socks only last a couple hours, I hate sleeping with them on, but it's long enough to soak up the buttery goodness. I guess.
And for those trouble spots, I have that Bath and Body Works thick one in the blue bottle. Wonderful. When my knees and elbows are looking a little ashy, I can show them some love with the thick and creamy. Okay, that sounded kind of nasty.
Last, but definitely not least, I have the carry-everywhere antibacterial moisturizing Juniper Berry lotion. For those times you have to use a public restroom and the cheap soap dries out your hands and you're looking for a little extra cleansing, or when you change a diaper and that antiseptic hand alcohol does the same thing as the cheap restroom soap. Got it.
So how many is that? Six. On a daily basis? Do they have an LAA meeting in MArin somewhere?
Because I have issues.
I use Aveeno face lotion. I have sensitive skin, you know? And I need something that lessens the redness and takes care of the pimples (I know, I'm too old for that, but have you seen me lately? Stress, I tell you. The bane of my facial existence). And I love the fact it has these shimmery beads in it so I look kind of glowy, even when I haven't slept in days. It also has SPF 15, so I'm protecting my skin. Very important.
Then from the neck to my ankles, I use this Dove Nighttime Firming lotion. Because I can use all the help I can get on tightening up the danmage Taryn inflicted on my skin. I'm not bitter, just proactive. And it smells divine. I sniff my arm as I'm falling asleep...
Of course on my hands I use this de-lish holostic lavender, chamomile and mint Anti-Stress Lotion. I keep that one at work, for when I need to relax, you know. Take a deep breath, breathe in the soothing essences, breathe out the homicidal thoughts. And it's not oily, so I don't grease up my keyboard and phone if someone interrupts my meditation and I actually have to do some real work.
Down on the tootsies, I use cocoa butter and vitamin E lotion. I used to used that all over when I was preggo, but obviously it didn't do much to stave off the stretch marks. It does wonders keeping my feet nice and soft though, I slather it on at night after my shower and put some cotton socks on. The socks only last a couple hours, I hate sleeping with them on, but it's long enough to soak up the buttery goodness. I guess.
And for those trouble spots, I have that Bath and Body Works thick one in the blue bottle. Wonderful. When my knees and elbows are looking a little ashy, I can show them some love with the thick and creamy. Okay, that sounded kind of nasty.
Last, but definitely not least, I have the carry-everywhere antibacterial moisturizing Juniper Berry lotion. For those times you have to use a public restroom and the cheap soap dries out your hands and you're looking for a little extra cleansing, or when you change a diaper and that antiseptic hand alcohol does the same thing as the cheap restroom soap. Got it.
So how many is that? Six. On a daily basis? Do they have an LAA meeting in MArin somewhere?
January 9, 2007
Working Mother
Well, yesterday was my first day as a working mother. Interesting. I'm not sure if I can continue on a schedule like this, I mean ... wow.
5:15am - Woke up to Taryn crying. Went to feed her, which took about 20 minutes since she was still half asleep. After that, I put her in the bed with P, because I figured she'd fall right back to sleep, and really, there was no point in me lying in bed for 45 minutes when I had so much to do.
5:35am - Went downstairs to make some coffee, emptied the dishwasher, fed the dogs and the cat, and cleaned up the house a bit. I also filled up a couple bottles for Taryn, re-stocked her diaper bag, and got all my goodies ready for work.
6:00am - Hopped on the internet and caught up on all the blogs I haven't read in forever.
6:45am - Washed my face, brushed the pearly whites, put my paint on and got dressed.
7:00am - Got Taryn up and fed her again, then played until my mom showed up at 7:40 and I left for work.
8:00-12:00 - Worked a little bit, gossiped a bit more, pumped once...
12:00-12:45pm - Went home to nurse Taryn, made a BLT for lunch. Packed her up to go to her aunt's in Petaluma, then back to work.
1:00-4:30pm - Worked a lottle more, gossiped a lot more, pumped again.
4:50pm - Arrived in Petaluma to pick her up, nursed, talked with La Tia a while to give her a few tricks with Taryn, arranged a few things, you know, mommy stuff.
5:35pm - Back home. Did the dishes, then gave Taryn a bath, lotioned her up, put her in some pjs.
6:10pm - Right when I finished, P got home with dinner (In-N-Out ... Shut up. It's a treat for me since I eat at home every day for lunch and dinner). Tag-teamed the eating and holding Taryn bit. Nursed again, snuggled a bit more.
7:15pm - Taryn to sleep. Put on a movie "The Departed." I really wasn't impressed.
9:00pm - Will showed up. Flippe dout on P for a second when the dogs started barking. Did dishes, and straightened up a bit.
9:35pm - Finished the movie. Had to take a break to nurse in the middle, I don't think it was 2 hours long.
9:45pm - Hopped in the shower.
10:00pm - Lotioned up. Went downstairs for water, got my stuff ready for work the next day.
10:25pm - Nighty Night.
And then I was up again at 6:00 this morning.
*whew*
This will last maybe a week before I start with the after-work naps.
5:15am - Woke up to Taryn crying. Went to feed her, which took about 20 minutes since she was still half asleep. After that, I put her in the bed with P, because I figured she'd fall right back to sleep, and really, there was no point in me lying in bed for 45 minutes when I had so much to do.
5:35am - Went downstairs to make some coffee, emptied the dishwasher, fed the dogs and the cat, and cleaned up the house a bit. I also filled up a couple bottles for Taryn, re-stocked her diaper bag, and got all my goodies ready for work.
6:00am - Hopped on the internet and caught up on all the blogs I haven't read in forever.
6:45am - Washed my face, brushed the pearly whites, put my paint on and got dressed.
7:00am - Got Taryn up and fed her again, then played until my mom showed up at 7:40 and I left for work.
8:00-12:00 - Worked a little bit, gossiped a bit more, pumped once...
12:00-12:45pm - Went home to nurse Taryn, made a BLT for lunch. Packed her up to go to her aunt's in Petaluma, then back to work.
1:00-4:30pm - Worked a lottle more, gossiped a lot more, pumped again.
4:50pm - Arrived in Petaluma to pick her up, nursed, talked with La Tia a while to give her a few tricks with Taryn, arranged a few things, you know, mommy stuff.
5:35pm - Back home. Did the dishes, then gave Taryn a bath, lotioned her up, put her in some pjs.
6:10pm - Right when I finished, P got home with dinner (In-N-Out ... Shut up. It's a treat for me since I eat at home every day for lunch and dinner). Tag-teamed the eating and holding Taryn bit. Nursed again, snuggled a bit more.
7:15pm - Taryn to sleep. Put on a movie "The Departed." I really wasn't impressed.
9:00pm - Will showed up. Flippe dout on P for a second when the dogs started barking. Did dishes, and straightened up a bit.
9:35pm - Finished the movie. Had to take a break to nurse in the middle, I don't think it was 2 hours long.
9:45pm - Hopped in the shower.
10:00pm - Lotioned up. Went downstairs for water, got my stuff ready for work the next day.
10:25pm - Nighty Night.
And then I was up again at 6:00 this morning.
*whew*
This will last maybe a week before I start with the after-work naps.
January 7, 2007
Superman
I'm not a fan of most big-budget movies. For the most part, the animations and such are interesting, but the plot lines are so similar that I really can't get into them. But I watched Superman Returns last night, and I'm so bummed out I didn't see it at the theatre.
(Speaking of theatres, P and I were talking and figured out the last movies we saw in one was Saw. The first one. Like 3 years ago. How sad is that?)
Anyway, I was kind of disappointed when I saw he rented Superman, I figured it would be like all those other comic books-turned-big-screen flicks, but twenty minutes into it I realized that I was totally engrossed, and standing up watching it. Yeah, you read that right. I was standing next to the breakfast bar, so into the damn flick that I couldn't even sit down to relax and watch it.
I don't think the actual movie was that great, I mean, it was what I expected. But it brought back so many memories of growing up and watching the old Christopher Reeves Superman movies with my brother, gasping with horror when he'd be de-Super'ed by some hunk of kryptonite and cheering when he'd finally defeat the bad guy. And I never realized how integral a part Superman was in my childhood until I had to explain the back stories to P, who had never seen them. Cracking jokes about the glasses being Clark Kent's disguise, and the plastic curl that Superman always had on his firehead, and explaining the love-triangle between Clark, Lois and Superman...
I think Kevin Spacey was great as Lex Luthor. Really, his timing is awesome, and the facial expressions are so damn believeable. But I do have a question. Did they use the old Marlon Brando footage for this one? Because either they photo-shopped the hell out of those cheecks and had him do his thing before he passed away, or they just used the old one. I havent seen it in forever, but I'm guessing it was the same, right? And I'm not completely sold on this little kid as Superman. He looks kind of plastic-y, and just too dang young. But, I'll let him have his glory for now.
And for Tere, I'll admit, I did like it. But Wolverine would still kick Superman's ass.
(Speaking of theatres, P and I were talking and figured out the last movies we saw in one was Saw. The first one. Like 3 years ago. How sad is that?)
Anyway, I was kind of disappointed when I saw he rented Superman, I figured it would be like all those other comic books-turned-big-screen flicks, but twenty minutes into it I realized that I was totally engrossed, and standing up watching it. Yeah, you read that right. I was standing next to the breakfast bar, so into the damn flick that I couldn't even sit down to relax and watch it.
I don't think the actual movie was that great, I mean, it was what I expected. But it brought back so many memories of growing up and watching the old Christopher Reeves Superman movies with my brother, gasping with horror when he'd be de-Super'ed by some hunk of kryptonite and cheering when he'd finally defeat the bad guy. And I never realized how integral a part Superman was in my childhood until I had to explain the back stories to P, who had never seen them. Cracking jokes about the glasses being Clark Kent's disguise, and the plastic curl that Superman always had on his firehead, and explaining the love-triangle between Clark, Lois and Superman...
I think Kevin Spacey was great as Lex Luthor. Really, his timing is awesome, and the facial expressions are so damn believeable. But I do have a question. Did they use the old Marlon Brando footage for this one? Because either they photo-shopped the hell out of those cheecks and had him do his thing before he passed away, or they just used the old one. I havent seen it in forever, but I'm guessing it was the same, right? And I'm not completely sold on this little kid as Superman. He looks kind of plastic-y, and just too dang young. But, I'll let him have his glory for now.
And for Tere, I'll admit, I did like it. But Wolverine would still kick Superman's ass.
January 6, 2007
Forgotten
I stumbled off the bed and down the hall as quickly as I dared, gripping Taryn in a vice made stronger by my hurt than any real fear of dropping her. I was trying to get away before the tears started, and though I didn't entirely succeed, his inattention to the situation garnered the same effect.
"Would it make a difference if I told you the truth?"
And then silence.
***
I don't know when it started. I don't recall when I turned from the fun young thing to his boring wife. I still don't see myself in the same light, but I feel my soul being crushed out of me. I feel my heart shriveling up, and my only real joy in life is her. My sweet angel who is too naive to see what a destroyed person I am.
I've lived in this lie for so long that I don't even know how to get back to the truth. I've tried being what he wanted, and I can't figure out why I fall further and further from his graces. I've tried with others too, and maybe I've failed from the effort. Back when I didn't give a shit, when I treated people like shit and did all those things I'm not proud of, back then he loved me. And I was too wrapped up in my own mess to see it, but when I did, and I tried to be a better person to deserve the love, that's when it started to fade away.
***
"What, are you jealous or something?"
He has no idea how close to the truth that is. And it's not jealousy that I want him home with me all the time, it's hurt and anger that I don't get the same attention. He doesn't rush home from work to see me anymore, or tell the boys he can't go out tonight because he and I have a date. He doesn't tell me he loves me with feeling, just the obligatory monotone of people stuck in a routine. Those nights he's home he'd rather sit on his ass watching a movie alone, or drink outside while he's on the phone with some friend or another discussing music or work or school. But not with me.
And all the while I've expressed my needs, and they still go unmet. It's not about me anymore. Even as the mother of his child, that's all I am. Not a friend or confidant, just the woman who cleans his house and takes care of his child.
I'm so heartbroken right now, I don't know what to do. Even when I tell him exactly what I'm feeling, it always turns into something else.
I cried today as I realized that I'm just not important to him anymore. And then it continues as I realize that's the course of my life. I'm a thing of the past. To my husband and my friends...
***
I'm sick of the obligatory shit.
I'm sick of hanging out because we're supposed to. I'm sick of everyone going out with their friends, having fun with each other, and staying home with me. And it's not Taryn's fault. I didn't realize that things were like this before she was born. People used my pregnancy as an excuse to keep me in. They used my pregnancy as an excuse to do their own thing without me, and I don't blame them. I'm a fucking shell of a person right now. I've been putting everyone else's priorities in front of mine. And I don't know how to do anything else, really. I don't want to start over on myself, but evidently I'm going to have to because I can't live like this anymore. I can't be the one who is invited because you feel bad for me sitting at home alone.
***
"You've changed since high school, Aletta."
So yes. Let's be honest here. I am jealous. I'm not a jealous person, but I need love and attention too. I can't survive by myself. I get hurt more than you think, even when I don't show it. I'm angry a lot more than you might think because it doesn't feel safe to let it out.
I'm an introvert, but this life that I've made isn't fulfilling my needs. I need to get out, to explore, to meet new people and go new places. And bring the light of my life with me. I can't be tied down to this house, or this husband anymore. I don't want to be tied down, I want my commitments to be strong because I love them, because the benefits are reciprocated, not because it's routine and expected.
Sounds like this is resolution #5.
***
As he walked back into the house, I could tell he was distressed. Not by the tear-stained cheeks and running mascara, but by the fact that he didn't know how to leave without the situation escalating.
"Do you want something from the store?"
When will he see it's not about food?
... ring .... ring ...
And once again I'm forgotten.
"Would it make a difference if I told you the truth?"
And then silence.
***
I don't know when it started. I don't recall when I turned from the fun young thing to his boring wife. I still don't see myself in the same light, but I feel my soul being crushed out of me. I feel my heart shriveling up, and my only real joy in life is her. My sweet angel who is too naive to see what a destroyed person I am.
I've lived in this lie for so long that I don't even know how to get back to the truth. I've tried being what he wanted, and I can't figure out why I fall further and further from his graces. I've tried with others too, and maybe I've failed from the effort. Back when I didn't give a shit, when I treated people like shit and did all those things I'm not proud of, back then he loved me. And I was too wrapped up in my own mess to see it, but when I did, and I tried to be a better person to deserve the love, that's when it started to fade away.
***
"What, are you jealous or something?"
He has no idea how close to the truth that is. And it's not jealousy that I want him home with me all the time, it's hurt and anger that I don't get the same attention. He doesn't rush home from work to see me anymore, or tell the boys he can't go out tonight because he and I have a date. He doesn't tell me he loves me with feeling, just the obligatory monotone of people stuck in a routine. Those nights he's home he'd rather sit on his ass watching a movie alone, or drink outside while he's on the phone with some friend or another discussing music or work or school. But not with me.
And all the while I've expressed my needs, and they still go unmet. It's not about me anymore. Even as the mother of his child, that's all I am. Not a friend or confidant, just the woman who cleans his house and takes care of his child.
I'm so heartbroken right now, I don't know what to do. Even when I tell him exactly what I'm feeling, it always turns into something else.
I cried today as I realized that I'm just not important to him anymore. And then it continues as I realize that's the course of my life. I'm a thing of the past. To my husband and my friends...
***
I'm sick of the obligatory shit.
I'm sick of hanging out because we're supposed to. I'm sick of everyone going out with their friends, having fun with each other, and staying home with me. And it's not Taryn's fault. I didn't realize that things were like this before she was born. People used my pregnancy as an excuse to keep me in. They used my pregnancy as an excuse to do their own thing without me, and I don't blame them. I'm a fucking shell of a person right now. I've been putting everyone else's priorities in front of mine. And I don't know how to do anything else, really. I don't want to start over on myself, but evidently I'm going to have to because I can't live like this anymore. I can't be the one who is invited because you feel bad for me sitting at home alone.
***
"You've changed since high school, Aletta."
So yes. Let's be honest here. I am jealous. I'm not a jealous person, but I need love and attention too. I can't survive by myself. I get hurt more than you think, even when I don't show it. I'm angry a lot more than you might think because it doesn't feel safe to let it out.
I'm an introvert, but this life that I've made isn't fulfilling my needs. I need to get out, to explore, to meet new people and go new places. And bring the light of my life with me. I can't be tied down to this house, or this husband anymore. I don't want to be tied down, I want my commitments to be strong because I love them, because the benefits are reciprocated, not because it's routine and expected.
Sounds like this is resolution #5.
***
As he walked back into the house, I could tell he was distressed. Not by the tear-stained cheeks and running mascara, but by the fact that he didn't know how to leave without the situation escalating.
"Do you want something from the store?"
When will he see it's not about food?
... ring .... ring ...
And once again I'm forgotten.
January 3, 2007
Not Really So Bad
I went back to work today half expecting to end up in tears before lunch, but it wasn't as bad as I expected. The day passed fairly quickly, and I even got situated a bit in my office. My very own office, all to myself.
So it's convenient I don't have to share, my supervisor blocked my only window into the hall with paper so I can pump in there. Kind of sucks I can't see outside at all, but I suppose the trade-off of having my privacy is worth it in the long run.
I brought in a few pictures of Taryn, and I'll be steadily bringing more until the room is full of her beautiful smile. And it's so nice to know that I can go home at lunch to see her, and nurse, and cuddle. It breaks up the long stretch of work to make my day bearable.
And it's nice to have adults to talk to, and to have my girl there to discuss all the development and milestones, feeding and poop and pumping, pretty much everythign new mothers can think of, and seeing her there so strong even though she had to leave her son months before I did, it kind of gives me strength to know that I'll make it. And of course if I need a shoulder to cry on, I know she'll be there for me too.
So all in all, it went well today. I still have that nagging urge to somehow make a million overnight to stay home with her, but I'm realistically grounded in the present and dedicated to making this as easy for Taryn, and myself, as possible.
So it's convenient I don't have to share, my supervisor blocked my only window into the hall with paper so I can pump in there. Kind of sucks I can't see outside at all, but I suppose the trade-off of having my privacy is worth it in the long run.
I brought in a few pictures of Taryn, and I'll be steadily bringing more until the room is full of her beautiful smile. And it's so nice to know that I can go home at lunch to see her, and nurse, and cuddle. It breaks up the long stretch of work to make my day bearable.
And it's nice to have adults to talk to, and to have my girl there to discuss all the development and milestones, feeding and poop and pumping, pretty much everythign new mothers can think of, and seeing her there so strong even though she had to leave her son months before I did, it kind of gives me strength to know that I'll make it. And of course if I need a shoulder to cry on, I know she'll be there for me too.
So all in all, it went well today. I still have that nagging urge to somehow make a million overnight to stay home with her, but I'm realistically grounded in the present and dedicated to making this as easy for Taryn, and myself, as possible.
First Day Back
I'm sitting here drinking my coffee, planning what to wear to work this morning.
I feel okay. I've got "first day" jitters, but I'm sure it'll calm down as soon as I get there and get back in the flow.
I feel so much better that P is staying home this week with Taryn. I love my mom to death, and she's great with the baby, but I feel more comfortable knowing her Papa will be here to hold her and distract her, and I'll see her again in a few hours at lunch.
I'm not thinking about it that I'm leaving her to go to work.
Lame, I know, but in my head I'm going to make some money while she spends time with her Papa, and her Nonny, and her Tia. And it's so important to me that she build bonds with her family, something I wasn't able to do as easily because of the physical distance between us all, so I feel like it's a great opportunity for her. And if I was there, I'd be in the way, and distracting her from other people, so I may as well go to work while they are all together.
So thank you to everyone for supporting me for the past 15 or so months. Thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers and for just sticking around. I've gotten through this wonderful ordeal with the help of my friends and family, and Taryn is a happy, loving baby for it too.
Of course, I'll let you all know how it went when I get home tonight.
I feel okay. I've got "first day" jitters, but I'm sure it'll calm down as soon as I get there and get back in the flow.
I feel so much better that P is staying home this week with Taryn. I love my mom to death, and she's great with the baby, but I feel more comfortable knowing her Papa will be here to hold her and distract her, and I'll see her again in a few hours at lunch.
I'm not thinking about it that I'm leaving her to go to work.
Lame, I know, but in my head I'm going to make some money while she spends time with her Papa, and her Nonny, and her Tia. And it's so important to me that she build bonds with her family, something I wasn't able to do as easily because of the physical distance between us all, so I feel like it's a great opportunity for her. And if I was there, I'd be in the way, and distracting her from other people, so I may as well go to work while they are all together.
So thank you to everyone for supporting me for the past 15 or so months. Thanks for all the well-wishes and prayers and for just sticking around. I've gotten through this wonderful ordeal with the help of my friends and family, and Taryn is a happy, loving baby for it too.
Of course, I'll let you all know how it went when I get home tonight.
January 2, 2007
Happy 2007 !
I was a bit overexcited with it being 2007 yesterday. I mean, I'm really stoked that it's a new year, and though I kind of feel like this every new year, I'm still thinking this one will be special.
So early yesterday morning, I got up with the baby to eat, have some coffee, and generally dick-around until P woke up. But, like ususal, he didn't want to get up on the early side of noon, so after coaxing the dogs to lick his face (which will often do the trick), jumping on the bed and generally being a pain-in-the-ass, I resorted to a low-down trick to wake his arse up.
I grabbed the baby, set her on a precarious angle accross his chest (while still holding her lightly, in case he didn't grab her in time to prevent a spill to the laminate floors) and said in my sweetest baby voice "Good Morning Papa. Happy New Years, I was some besas!" *
And as she lowered her face to his(really more to eat his nose than anything), he did grab onto her, opened his eyes ... and got spit up all over his forehead, which dripped quickly into his eyes and dangerously close to his mouth! Ooops. I suppose I should have burped her more after I fed her.
And then of course the dogs jumped up on the bed and tried to lick it all off (gross) and I was laughing too hard at the shocked look on his face and Taryn laughing to get him a towel to wipe it off. He was a good sport about it though, laughed a bit while I cleaned off his face, played with the baby while I changed his pillowcase, and even gave me some besas before he went back to sleep.
Tee-hee-hee. So Happy New Year to everyone. Hope yours didn't start out with baby vomit in your face!
* Okay, so if you don't know Spanish, it doesn't really matter, but the correct translation for kisses is besos. I don't quite recall how or why I started saying besas instead, but after 6 years, it just stuck.
So early yesterday morning, I got up with the baby to eat, have some coffee, and generally dick-around until P woke up. But, like ususal, he didn't want to get up on the early side of noon, so after coaxing the dogs to lick his face (which will often do the trick), jumping on the bed and generally being a pain-in-the-ass, I resorted to a low-down trick to wake his arse up.
I grabbed the baby, set her on a precarious angle accross his chest (while still holding her lightly, in case he didn't grab her in time to prevent a spill to the laminate floors) and said in my sweetest baby voice "Good Morning Papa. Happy New Years, I was some besas!" *
And as she lowered her face to his(really more to eat his nose than anything), he did grab onto her, opened his eyes ... and got spit up all over his forehead, which dripped quickly into his eyes and dangerously close to his mouth! Ooops. I suppose I should have burped her more after I fed her.
And then of course the dogs jumped up on the bed and tried to lick it all off (gross) and I was laughing too hard at the shocked look on his face and Taryn laughing to get him a towel to wipe it off. He was a good sport about it though, laughed a bit while I cleaned off his face, played with the baby while I changed his pillowcase, and even gave me some besas before he went back to sleep.
Tee-hee-hee. So Happy New Year to everyone. Hope yours didn't start out with baby vomit in your face!
* Okay, so if you don't know Spanish, it doesn't really matter, but the correct translation for kisses is besos. I don't quite recall how or why I started saying besas instead, but after 6 years, it just stuck.
December 30, 2006
Another Resolution
I have a business idea.
I sort of jumped off P and Will's scanner thing, and thought it would be cool if people were able to get all their kids' old school work on disk, instead of keeping piles and piles of loose papers everywhere. And old photos. And any other kind of loose papers people keep.
Then I started thinking about doing organizing for folks. I mean, I'm good at organizing, keeping things neat, why not get paid to do it?
So I haven't gotten all the details worked out yet, but that's the general gist of it, and my fourth resolution is to research the idea more, write up a business plan, get a license or whatever I need, and see where that goes.
What do you think?
I sort of jumped off P and Will's scanner thing, and thought it would be cool if people were able to get all their kids' old school work on disk, instead of keeping piles and piles of loose papers everywhere. And old photos. And any other kind of loose papers people keep.
Then I started thinking about doing organizing for folks. I mean, I'm good at organizing, keeping things neat, why not get paid to do it?
So I haven't gotten all the details worked out yet, but that's the general gist of it, and my fourth resolution is to research the idea more, write up a business plan, get a license or whatever I need, and see where that goes.
What do you think?
December 29, 2006
Maybe Next Time, Eh?
Taryn woke up around 5:45 to nurse this morning. I guess it's *kinda* my fault she was up so early, since I had last fed her around 9:30 last night. That's right, 8 full hours. And I was all excited thinking that I'd have a morning to myself while she slept some more. I made some coffee, checked my myspace, and settled down to write a nice long blog.
Then I hear this little gurgle sound, a small chuckle, and I went to make sure Taryn was breathing okay, since her nose has gone from runny to stuffed, and her whole body is wracked with coughs.
Obviously, she was fine. More than fine, really. She was lying on her back playing with her hands with her feet straight up in the air. Just talking to herself.
And as I speed-type (with all two fingers) this little blog out, she's in the process of rolling herself out the door. Amazing how mobile a non-ceawling, non-wlking child is.
Figured I'd be nice and let P sleep in a bit more today. For like 30 more minutes. Because I'm nice like that.
Then I hear this little gurgle sound, a small chuckle, and I went to make sure Taryn was breathing okay, since her nose has gone from runny to stuffed, and her whole body is wracked with coughs.
Obviously, she was fine. More than fine, really. She was lying on her back playing with her hands with her feet straight up in the air. Just talking to herself.
And as I speed-type (with all two fingers) this little blog out, she's in the process of rolling herself out the door. Amazing how mobile a non-ceawling, non-wlking child is.
Figured I'd be nice and let P sleep in a bit more today. For like 30 more minutes. Because I'm nice like that.
December 28, 2006
Ferber Kick Back
Another nice thing I've noticed about using the Ferber method is that Taryn is now able to put her binkie back into her mouth when it pops out. And I'm not talking about chewing on the hard plastic ring, she can actually stick the sucky part in her mouth.
I'm trying to figure out how that happened and I'm guessing she had been so accustomed to me putting it back in when she woke up, that she never learned to do it herself.
Just like she never learned to go back to sleep when she woke up in the middle of the night.
Ohmigod. Am I becoming an overbearing mother?
I'm trying to figure out how that happened and I'm guessing she had been so accustomed to me putting it back in when she woke up, that she never learned to do it herself.
Just like she never learned to go back to sleep when she woke up in the middle of the night.
Ohmigod. Am I becoming an overbearing mother?
December 27, 2006
Oh Yeah ... Ferber?
It's going okay. I stopped the tracker thingy because Taryn has been doing great on it. She's falling asleep without crying at least half the time, and when she is crying, it's only for a few minutes.
I count this as a sucess, I just stopped counting minutes because 1) I'm sick. And when I'm sick, I'm lazy. 2) Taryn is sick, and I feel bad for my little angel suffering with a cough and a runny nose, sneezing, and teething to boot. And 3) the holidays jacked up her sleep schedule anyway. Staying up past midnight on Christmas Eve (I guess Christmas morning, really) and the fact that certain people that I am related to by marriage piss me off by not letting me put my baby to sleep when she's tired, and when I finally do wrestle her away from them she's so overtired she can't sleep. And they tell me I'm a crappy relative for not bringing her around enough, even though they don't come to visit us and I've told them what time she goes to sleep but they always want to show up late and then get all bent out of shape that I won't wake her up again... So it really didn't seem fair to continue the Ferber thing through the holidays.
And of course as I write this, she's in the background screaming.
But as soon as I wrote that, she stopped.
*sigh*
I count this as a sucess, I just stopped counting minutes because 1) I'm sick. And when I'm sick, I'm lazy. 2) Taryn is sick, and I feel bad for my little angel suffering with a cough and a runny nose, sneezing, and teething to boot. And 3) the holidays jacked up her sleep schedule anyway. Staying up past midnight on Christmas Eve (I guess Christmas morning, really) and the fact that certain people that I am related to by marriage piss me off by not letting me put my baby to sleep when she's tired, and when I finally do wrestle her away from them she's so overtired she can't sleep. And they tell me I'm a crappy relative for not bringing her around enough, even though they don't come to visit us and I've told them what time she goes to sleep but they always want to show up late and then get all bent out of shape that I won't wake her up again... So it really didn't seem fair to continue the Ferber thing through the holidays.
And of course as I write this, she's in the background screaming.
But as soon as I wrote that, she stopped.
*sigh*
Resolutions
This year, I feel like I did pretty good on my resolutions. I only had 3: Write more, drink more water, and count to 10. While I was pregnant, I was drinking 64ozs a day, though I've slacked off a bit, and I'm definitely writing more, but the count to 10 got thrown out the window while I was surviving off 2-hour stretches of sleep. I think that one will get forwarded on to next year, you know, to try to preserve my marriage and all.
So next year, I'm going to work on three more things. And I'm going to try to make them realistic, because there's not much worse than setting a goal that's not attainable, and knowing from the jump you are going to fail, then actually failing.
1. Exercise more. I don't think I'll set a specific goal as to when I'm going to do it, but by the end of the year I'd like to be in the habit of doing weight training and cardio 3x per week. And I'd like to be more active the other days of the week, so I'm going to try to do more hikes with Taryn, taking the dogs on longer walks in the evenings, taking the stairs to work, that sort of thing.
2. Find a career goal. Now, this might be unnessesary if I enjoy being back at work, but if I do find that I hate being away from Taryn so much, or I'm just not digging the job anymore, I'd like to spend some time this year prioritizing my personal and professional goals, and researching what type of career would better suit me. and in addition to figuring out what I'd like to do, I want to also set up some sort of action plan to plot out how I may acheive that goal in a reasonable amount of time.
3. Count to 10. From this year. I don't think I need 4 goals to pursue in addition to caring for a new baby. I need to get my anger under control, figure out some ways to express it without hurting other people, and get my marriage back on track. The excuse of taking everything out on P because I'm not sleeping well and he isn't helping me as much as I expected is played out, and not what I want to carry into the new year.
So that's it. I also have a plan of evaluating my progress at the end of each month so I can remind myself of what needs to be done, and congratulate myself on what I've accomplished.
We'll see how it goes.
So next year, I'm going to work on three more things. And I'm going to try to make them realistic, because there's not much worse than setting a goal that's not attainable, and knowing from the jump you are going to fail, then actually failing.
1. Exercise more. I don't think I'll set a specific goal as to when I'm going to do it, but by the end of the year I'd like to be in the habit of doing weight training and cardio 3x per week. And I'd like to be more active the other days of the week, so I'm going to try to do more hikes with Taryn, taking the dogs on longer walks in the evenings, taking the stairs to work, that sort of thing.
2. Find a career goal. Now, this might be unnessesary if I enjoy being back at work, but if I do find that I hate being away from Taryn so much, or I'm just not digging the job anymore, I'd like to spend some time this year prioritizing my personal and professional goals, and researching what type of career would better suit me. and in addition to figuring out what I'd like to do, I want to also set up some sort of action plan to plot out how I may acheive that goal in a reasonable amount of time.
3. Count to 10. From this year. I don't think I need 4 goals to pursue in addition to caring for a new baby. I need to get my anger under control, figure out some ways to express it without hurting other people, and get my marriage back on track. The excuse of taking everything out on P because I'm not sleeping well and he isn't helping me as much as I expected is played out, and not what I want to carry into the new year.
So that's it. I also have a plan of evaluating my progress at the end of each month so I can remind myself of what needs to be done, and congratulate myself on what I've accomplished.
We'll see how it goes.
December 23, 2006
Ferber Convert Recap: Day Two
(I hope someone out there in cyber-space appreciates the fact that I am blogging at 8:45am on Christmas Eve's eve. Nobody else seems to be so dedicated, eh?)
Obviously the Tylenol had way more of an effect than I anticipated. Or maybe that new little tooth poking through is bothering her more than I thought. Either way, yesterday was harder, and easier at the same time.
Nap 1 - Cried for about 30 seconds. Poor baby, then she was knocked out.
Nap 2 - Cried for 9 minutes. She was exhausted from visiting with a pregnant neighbor and hearing the gossip, I think. I thought she'd sleep better being a bit more tired, but maybe the smell of baking cookies kept her up, who knows? Anyhow, after she fnally went to sleep, she woke up about 45 minutes later. Since I knew we were going into my job to visit some more that afternoon, I didn't take her out of bed and she cried for about another 5 minutes before she fell asleep for another hour.
Nap 3 - Didn't make a peep. She was wiped out, and slept for 2 hours straight until I realized what time it was (dinner) and woke her up.
Bedtime - Dreadful. While she didn't cry as long or as loud as lastnight, those 14 minutes were still heartwrenching. I went in twice to comfort her, which wasn't much really because she had worked herself into a tiffy, and P wanted to know if we could modify this Ferber thing to wait 10 minutes before going in. Evidently he thinks that we kind of prolong it by going in after 5 minutes the first time, and that maybe she'd settle down faster if we waited 10. I'm considering it, but not when she cried so hard she starts coughing. I can tell when she's winding down, so if that's what it sounds like at 5 minutes tonight, maybe.
She also woke up 3 times during the night, cried for maybe 1 or 2 minutes each time and settled back down. It's such a habit now to get up and comfort her, and lying in bed listening to her wails and watching the clock sucks.
Cry Counter
December 21 - 39 minutes
December 22 - 33 minutes
Obviously the Tylenol had way more of an effect than I anticipated. Or maybe that new little tooth poking through is bothering her more than I thought. Either way, yesterday was harder, and easier at the same time.
Nap 1 - Cried for about 30 seconds. Poor baby, then she was knocked out.
Nap 2 - Cried for 9 minutes. She was exhausted from visiting with a pregnant neighbor and hearing the gossip, I think. I thought she'd sleep better being a bit more tired, but maybe the smell of baking cookies kept her up, who knows? Anyhow, after she fnally went to sleep, she woke up about 45 minutes later. Since I knew we were going into my job to visit some more that afternoon, I didn't take her out of bed and she cried for about another 5 minutes before she fell asleep for another hour.
Nap 3 - Didn't make a peep. She was wiped out, and slept for 2 hours straight until I realized what time it was (dinner) and woke her up.
Bedtime - Dreadful. While she didn't cry as long or as loud as lastnight, those 14 minutes were still heartwrenching. I went in twice to comfort her, which wasn't much really because she had worked herself into a tiffy, and P wanted to know if we could modify this Ferber thing to wait 10 minutes before going in. Evidently he thinks that we kind of prolong it by going in after 5 minutes the first time, and that maybe she'd settle down faster if we waited 10. I'm considering it, but not when she cried so hard she starts coughing. I can tell when she's winding down, so if that's what it sounds like at 5 minutes tonight, maybe.
She also woke up 3 times during the night, cried for maybe 1 or 2 minutes each time and settled back down. It's such a habit now to get up and comfort her, and lying in bed listening to her wails and watching the clock sucks.
Cry Counter
December 21 - 39 minutes
December 22 - 33 minutes
December 22, 2006
Ferber Convert Recap: Day One
We did the Ferber Method all day yesterday. The naps went well, Taryn cried for about a minute each time, then slept well, the first for about 1 hour, the second for 3 hours. Normally I wouldn't have let her sleep so long, but I had to finish my cookies so... you know.
But putting her to sleep for the night was an entirely different story.
I think I was spoiled that her naps were so easy, I expected the same for her bedtime. When we first put her down, she cried just about 5 minutes then passed out. And I, in my overconfident way, started dancing around the house, singing praises to Ferber that I would sleep more than a 2-hour stretch that night.
But 20 minutes later, she started crying again.
So after the 5 minutes, I went in, calmed her a bit, told her I loved her, and left. And she cried until the next 10 minute mark. By that time, I was sitting on the bed, hands clasped together, counting down the minutes until we could comfort her again.
So then it was P's turn, he went in, and when he came out, he looked seriously distressed.
I went downstairs, sat on the couch and started bawling. I tried so hard to be strong, but her pitiful wails broke my soul. After a couple minutes, P came downstairs and held me, while we both counted down until we could go back in to her.
She only lasted 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. We realized her wails had subsided, so we un-muted the TV and gave each other a shaky smile, unsure if she'd be up again to rip out our hearts and crush them to a pulsing mush with her cries.
But she didn't, and we both felt lucky that she's a quick learner, even if a touch stubborn. I really don't think I could have done that for 2 hours, like Dr. M warned might happen the first night. And I hope to God it's all downhill from here.
On a brighter note, she finally passed out around 8:30pm. I woke her up at 10:30, before I went to sleep to feed her. And she slept until ...
Wait for it ...
6:30am. Can you believe that? 8 FN hours straight.
I, on the other hand, was still waking up every hour or so, looking at the clock, checking for cries, then going back to sleep. She did wake up once, cried for about a minute, then went back to sleep.
I'm hoping with a few more nights of this, I might turn back into a regular person who doesn't live off coffee and take 3-hour naps at lunchtime to ensure I won't break down at Pampers commercials.
Cry Counter:
December 20, 2006 - 39 minutes total.
But putting her to sleep for the night was an entirely different story.
I think I was spoiled that her naps were so easy, I expected the same for her bedtime. When we first put her down, she cried just about 5 minutes then passed out. And I, in my overconfident way, started dancing around the house, singing praises to Ferber that I would sleep more than a 2-hour stretch that night.
But 20 minutes later, she started crying again.
So after the 5 minutes, I went in, calmed her a bit, told her I loved her, and left. And she cried until the next 10 minute mark. By that time, I was sitting on the bed, hands clasped together, counting down the minutes until we could comfort her again.
So then it was P's turn, he went in, and when he came out, he looked seriously distressed.
I went downstairs, sat on the couch and started bawling. I tried so hard to be strong, but her pitiful wails broke my soul. After a couple minutes, P came downstairs and held me, while we both counted down until we could go back in to her.
She only lasted 10 minutes, but it seemed like an eternity. We realized her wails had subsided, so we un-muted the TV and gave each other a shaky smile, unsure if she'd be up again to rip out our hearts and crush them to a pulsing mush with her cries.
But she didn't, and we both felt lucky that she's a quick learner, even if a touch stubborn. I really don't think I could have done that for 2 hours, like Dr. M warned might happen the first night. And I hope to God it's all downhill from here.
On a brighter note, she finally passed out around 8:30pm. I woke her up at 10:30, before I went to sleep to feed her. And she slept until ...
Wait for it ...
6:30am. Can you believe that? 8 FN hours straight.
I, on the other hand, was still waking up every hour or so, looking at the clock, checking for cries, then going back to sleep. She did wake up once, cried for about a minute, then went back to sleep.
I'm hoping with a few more nights of this, I might turn back into a regular person who doesn't live off coffee and take 3-hour naps at lunchtime to ensure I won't break down at Pampers commercials.
Cry Counter:
December 20, 2006 - 39 minutes total.
December 21, 2006
12 Minute Miracle
What??? If I knew it could work that fast, I would've tried a looong time ago.
*rewind*
At yesterday's well baby check-up, Taryn weighed in at 15 lbs, 14 ozs and 25.5 inches long. Damn girl! The thing that trips me out on this one though, is she's still in the low-normal range for weight, but feels like a beast to me*.
And good news. My baby has boobies! The Doc said he had noticed the lump under her left nipple in her previous appointment (just completely failed to tell me...thanks) and that it's probably just developing breast tissue. Of course I left with the same warnings, if it starts getting red, she starts running a fever, or it seems like it hurts her, bring her back in. But yay! Maybe she won't be cursed by my own fate in the bust department: start developing late (12 years old), stop developing early (12.5 years old). Tee-hee-hee.
So Dr. M also suggested we try letting Taryn cry it out after I was telling him how she still wants to nurse 2 or 3 times a night, and that we're (I'm) spending copious amounts of time trying to settle her back down at night when she's waking up. He walked me through the "humane" way of doing it, checking in and settling her down after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc. I started tearing up in the office just hearing him talk about it, but he promised me that by this age (and after watching us interact for 30 minutes) that she's very secure in our relationship and she won't hate me for it, that she'll be an even happier baby when she learns to fall asleep herself and sleep for longer than an hour or two, and also that it won't take more than 3-5 days if we're (I'm) consistent in our (my) approach. Meaning don't feel bad and comfort her when you're not supposed to, or you'll have to start all over. He did warn me though that she could cry up to two hours the first night, and maybe I should buy some ear plugs or rent a movie to distract us (me).
So I talked to P, and we decided to start today on it, since she had gotten shots and all, and I wanted to be available to comfort her. But after getting up roughly 10 times last night, I was too exhausted to keep it up. So at 4:19am, she started cryign again, and I started counting.
At 4:24am, I went into her room, flipped her onto her stomach, popped her binkie in, told her I loved her and goodnight.
At 4:31am, the crying stopped.
At 4:51am, I realized she really was asleep.
She hadn't had Tylenol since about 10:00pm.
She hadn't eaten since around 1:30am.
And she slept until 9:30am. Without waking up. Even when P left for work.
And, her binkie wasn't even in her mouth.
Now, I can admit when I'm wrong, and hotdamn, I was wrong about Ferber. (Mr. Ferber, my apologies) I am shocked shitless she slept for that long without a peep. And even more shocked, I got a couple hours straight of sleep too!
Though there is one drawback.
I ususlly don't wake up when P leaves for work. I think I've been too exhausted to even hear his alarm when he gets up, but this morning I heard it loud a clear. I even got up to pump since my left breast was chock-full of milk (I pumped 5 ozs on that side) then I went back to sleep.
Ahhhhh, sweet sleep.
So I tried again for her nap this morning. She cried for a minute, maybe less, then passed out.
There is a bounce in my step right now, a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, and I'm hyped up on caffeine ready to bake like nobody's business.
Life is gooooooood.
* Right about here is when she stopped crying today. Like, a minute, maybe? WOW.
*rewind*
At yesterday's well baby check-up, Taryn weighed in at 15 lbs, 14 ozs and 25.5 inches long. Damn girl! The thing that trips me out on this one though, is she's still in the low-normal range for weight, but feels like a beast to me*.
And good news. My baby has boobies! The Doc said he had noticed the lump under her left nipple in her previous appointment (just completely failed to tell me...thanks) and that it's probably just developing breast tissue. Of course I left with the same warnings, if it starts getting red, she starts running a fever, or it seems like it hurts her, bring her back in. But yay! Maybe she won't be cursed by my own fate in the bust department: start developing late (12 years old), stop developing early (12.5 years old). Tee-hee-hee.
So Dr. M also suggested we try letting Taryn cry it out after I was telling him how she still wants to nurse 2 or 3 times a night, and that we're (I'm) spending copious amounts of time trying to settle her back down at night when she's waking up. He walked me through the "humane" way of doing it, checking in and settling her down after 5 minutes, then 10 minutes, etc. I started tearing up in the office just hearing him talk about it, but he promised me that by this age (and after watching us interact for 30 minutes) that she's very secure in our relationship and she won't hate me for it, that she'll be an even happier baby when she learns to fall asleep herself and sleep for longer than an hour or two, and also that it won't take more than 3-5 days if we're (I'm) consistent in our (my) approach. Meaning don't feel bad and comfort her when you're not supposed to, or you'll have to start all over. He did warn me though that she could cry up to two hours the first night, and maybe I should buy some ear plugs or rent a movie to distract us (me).
So I talked to P, and we decided to start today on it, since she had gotten shots and all, and I wanted to be available to comfort her. But after getting up roughly 10 times last night, I was too exhausted to keep it up. So at 4:19am, she started cryign again, and I started counting.
At 4:24am, I went into her room, flipped her onto her stomach, popped her binkie in, told her I loved her and goodnight.
At 4:31am, the crying stopped.
At 4:51am, I realized she really was asleep.
She hadn't had Tylenol since about 10:00pm.
She hadn't eaten since around 1:30am.
And she slept until 9:30am. Without waking up. Even when P left for work.
And, her binkie wasn't even in her mouth.
Now, I can admit when I'm wrong, and hotdamn, I was wrong about Ferber. (Mr. Ferber, my apologies) I am shocked shitless she slept for that long without a peep. And even more shocked, I got a couple hours straight of sleep too!
Though there is one drawback.
I ususlly don't wake up when P leaves for work. I think I've been too exhausted to even hear his alarm when he gets up, but this morning I heard it loud a clear. I even got up to pump since my left breast was chock-full of milk (I pumped 5 ozs on that side) then I went back to sleep.
Ahhhhh, sweet sleep.
So I tried again for her nap this morning. She cried for a minute, maybe less, then passed out.
There is a bounce in my step right now, a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel, and I'm hyped up on caffeine ready to bake like nobody's business.
Life is gooooooood.
* Right about here is when she stopped crying today. Like, a minute, maybe? WOW.
December 20, 2006
Month Six
Happy Half-Year Birthday SweetPea!
At exactly this time six months ago, I was just realizing that I really was in labor, and planning whether to curl my hair, or shave my legs. As I'll probably tell you time and again, I didn't get a chance to do either and was a hot mess when you were born, hair sticking straight out all over. But Love, that was the best day of my life.
This month has been full of firsts for you. You took your first airplane ride, actually the first four airplane rides, of your life. You left California for the first time, met your Great-Granny for the first time, and stayed in a hotel for the first time. Which, by the way, you loved, propped up on all those pillows watching cartoons while Mommy and Papa took showers and got ready.
Some more memorable firsts you had this month were eating cereal and peas for the first time. Now Love, Mommy doesn't like peas either, but you're going to have to eat them. They are healthy for you and the whole spitting them out onto your clothes just isn't working anymore. You also cut your first tooth (sort of) this month. You've got the split gum just waiting for that little tooth to push through.
You also went to your first birthday party this month, when your cousin Josh turned 7, and you even played on the inflatable jumping thing with Mommy holding you. You went to your first Christmas party at your Tia Teresa's house, wore your first Christmas outfit, got your first Christmas pictures taken and later today you'll get your first flu shot. For that last one, I'm sorry.
Your Papa and I are still having problems getting you to sleep on your own. You have to eat at least once at night still, and since your teeth are coming in, it's harder for you to fall asleep by yourself. So this month Angel, my wish for you is that you learn, somehow, good sleep habits. I'll try my best, and I'm sure by the time you start school you'll be fighting us to sleep just a little bit longer, instead of wanting to wake up bright and early to play.
This has been a hard month Angel, between the sleep, teeth, and me having to go back to work soon. I wish I could stay home with you, but in this day and age, it's practically impossible to survive one one paycheck and keep the house. Just know that I'm doing all I can to make sure you get the best care possible while I'm at work, and I'll dedicate my waking hours to making sure you feel loved and cherished. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I love you.
Mommy.
At exactly this time six months ago, I was just realizing that I really was in labor, and planning whether to curl my hair, or shave my legs. As I'll probably tell you time and again, I didn't get a chance to do either and was a hot mess when you were born, hair sticking straight out all over. But Love, that was the best day of my life.
This month has been full of firsts for you. You took your first airplane ride, actually the first four airplane rides, of your life. You left California for the first time, met your Great-Granny for the first time, and stayed in a hotel for the first time. Which, by the way, you loved, propped up on all those pillows watching cartoons while Mommy and Papa took showers and got ready.
Some more memorable firsts you had this month were eating cereal and peas for the first time. Now Love, Mommy doesn't like peas either, but you're going to have to eat them. They are healthy for you and the whole spitting them out onto your clothes just isn't working anymore. You also cut your first tooth (sort of) this month. You've got the split gum just waiting for that little tooth to push through.
You also went to your first birthday party this month, when your cousin Josh turned 7, and you even played on the inflatable jumping thing with Mommy holding you. You went to your first Christmas party at your Tia Teresa's house, wore your first Christmas outfit, got your first Christmas pictures taken and later today you'll get your first flu shot. For that last one, I'm sorry.
Your Papa and I are still having problems getting you to sleep on your own. You have to eat at least once at night still, and since your teeth are coming in, it's harder for you to fall asleep by yourself. So this month Angel, my wish for you is that you learn, somehow, good sleep habits. I'll try my best, and I'm sure by the time you start school you'll be fighting us to sleep just a little bit longer, instead of wanting to wake up bright and early to play.
This has been a hard month Angel, between the sleep, teeth, and me having to go back to work soon. I wish I could stay home with you, but in this day and age, it's practically impossible to survive one one paycheck and keep the house. Just know that I'm doing all I can to make sure you get the best care possible while I'm at work, and I'll dedicate my waking hours to making sure you feel loved and cherished. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.
I love you.
Mommy.
December 19, 2006
Introvert
As much as I like meeting new people, I'm an introvert at heart.
I've taken that test, the one that says whether you are an introvert or extrovert, intuitive or ... I really don't remember. But for years I believed I was an extrovert because that test, just a touch on the slow-to-warm-up side.
Then my last semester at SSU, I took a Jungian class and took that test again, and it said I was an introvert. I think the difference was that I finally realized that as much as I enjoy going out and partying with friends, when I was feeling really crappy the thing that rejuvenated me was being alone and clearing up my thoughts so that I could go out again and focus on others.
Now, when I'm depressed, that's different. In those times I know I need to get out so I'm not stuck all alone in my head. I know myself well enough to realize that I spiral downward when I'm depressed and all by my lonesome, but in general, just to recharge myself after being out and expending energy, there's nothing better than 30 minutes with a cup of coffee and a book. Not even a good book is necessary, just something to read.
And I think I'm okay with that. I kind of have an excuse now, that since only Pedro or I can be out at once because we don't have many people that are willing and able to watch Taryn at any given time. But aside form those times she's really fussy and not wanting to sleep, I don't mind being the one at home by myself to watch her. I feel like I've matured enough to not have to follow the crowd, to not force myself to go out when I really don't want to or can't afford it.
The flip side though is that I'm shitty at keeping in touch. If I don't see you on a regular basis without effort, like at work, or school, or a coffee shop or something, I have the awful habit of completely losing touch with people. And part of that is my adhorrence of phones. But another part is when I'm in my me-zone, I just forget anyone else exists (besides my baby, of course) and then when so much time has passed without calling or writing, then I feel bad for losing touch and figure if you really wanted to talk, you'd call.
And of course, my friends probably all think the same thing.
I don't know where this is going. I'm home tonight while P is out drinking. I was going to make a cup of pomegranate white tea and go read my book, but thought I'd blog a bit first. Gotta stay in the habit even when I have nothing coherent to blog about.
So that's all. And if you are reading this and you're one of those people that I've lost touch with, I'm sure I still love you. Just gimme a call, okay?
I've taken that test, the one that says whether you are an introvert or extrovert, intuitive or ... I really don't remember. But for years I believed I was an extrovert because that test, just a touch on the slow-to-warm-up side.
Then my last semester at SSU, I took a Jungian class and took that test again, and it said I was an introvert. I think the difference was that I finally realized that as much as I enjoy going out and partying with friends, when I was feeling really crappy the thing that rejuvenated me was being alone and clearing up my thoughts so that I could go out again and focus on others.
Now, when I'm depressed, that's different. In those times I know I need to get out so I'm not stuck all alone in my head. I know myself well enough to realize that I spiral downward when I'm depressed and all by my lonesome, but in general, just to recharge myself after being out and expending energy, there's nothing better than 30 minutes with a cup of coffee and a book. Not even a good book is necessary, just something to read.
And I think I'm okay with that. I kind of have an excuse now, that since only Pedro or I can be out at once because we don't have many people that are willing and able to watch Taryn at any given time. But aside form those times she's really fussy and not wanting to sleep, I don't mind being the one at home by myself to watch her. I feel like I've matured enough to not have to follow the crowd, to not force myself to go out when I really don't want to or can't afford it.
The flip side though is that I'm shitty at keeping in touch. If I don't see you on a regular basis without effort, like at work, or school, or a coffee shop or something, I have the awful habit of completely losing touch with people. And part of that is my adhorrence of phones. But another part is when I'm in my me-zone, I just forget anyone else exists (besides my baby, of course) and then when so much time has passed without calling or writing, then I feel bad for losing touch and figure if you really wanted to talk, you'd call.
And of course, my friends probably all think the same thing.
I don't know where this is going. I'm home tonight while P is out drinking. I was going to make a cup of pomegranate white tea and go read my book, but thought I'd blog a bit first. Gotta stay in the habit even when I have nothing coherent to blog about.
So that's all. And if you are reading this and you're one of those people that I've lost touch with, I'm sure I still love you. Just gimme a call, okay?
December 18, 2006
Pearly Whites, Here We Come!
Taryn (kind of) cut her first tooth today!
So she doesn't actually have any teeth showing yet, but her gums are definitely split, so I can only guess it'll be a matter of days before one pops in.
I'm so proud of my little Angel for getting through it okay. The last couple weeks, from right after Thanksgiving to the middle of last week were rough, with her not sleeping much and eating really sporadically, but I'm glad I have an explanation of why.
I guess I'll have to be more careful nursing in the future, since she has a habit of chewing when she's not hungry anymore.
I feel like I should have a teething party or something.
So she doesn't actually have any teeth showing yet, but her gums are definitely split, so I can only guess it'll be a matter of days before one pops in.
I'm so proud of my little Angel for getting through it okay. The last couple weeks, from right after Thanksgiving to the middle of last week were rough, with her not sleeping much and eating really sporadically, but I'm glad I have an explanation of why.
I guess I'll have to be more careful nursing in the future, since she has a habit of chewing when she's not hungry anymore.
I feel like I should have a teething party or something.
But Still, Thanks
I know the response was tempered by recent events.
But still, thanks.
It makes things so much easier to know I can.
And please know you can too, thought I'm much more emotional than you.
I may not take it as well, but I will take it.
Because that's what friends do.
But still, thanks.
It makes things so much easier to know I can.
And please know you can too, thought I'm much more emotional than you.
I may not take it as well, but I will take it.
Because that's what friends do.
December 17, 2006
On Second Thought ...
I had this whole post outlined in my head about how I was going to expound on the very fine line between friendly teasing and just being mean. But as I was putting Taryn to sleep a bit ago, and rounding out my arguements, I realized I can't write about that.
Because my main arguement "If you have something about me you want to tell me, then FN say it, don't be passive-aggressive," doesn't quite stand up. Because really, writing a post about how certain persons in my life are making our relationship less than enjoyable for me by being cruel and disguising their issues with me in thinly veiled insults... well, it's sort of passive-agressive, isn't it? I mean, by posting that here, and not saying it to them directly.
So instead, I'll just say ... nothing. Like usual. Because I tried to be a good friend this past week, and now someone isn't speaking to me anymore. And rather than piss off everyone that I care about, I'd rather curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, dreaming of how life might be different if I could speak my mind to people without fear of how they will react.
So goodnight, sweet dreams.
Because my main arguement "If you have something about me you want to tell me, then FN say it, don't be passive-aggressive," doesn't quite stand up. Because really, writing a post about how certain persons in my life are making our relationship less than enjoyable for me by being cruel and disguising their issues with me in thinly veiled insults... well, it's sort of passive-agressive, isn't it? I mean, by posting that here, and not saying it to them directly.
So instead, I'll just say ... nothing. Like usual. Because I tried to be a good friend this past week, and now someone isn't speaking to me anymore. And rather than piss off everyone that I care about, I'd rather curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep, dreaming of how life might be different if I could speak my mind to people without fear of how they will react.
So goodnight, sweet dreams.
December 16, 2006
Regrets? Not Here ...
People always seem to be asking each other, do you regret it? What's the biggest regret of your life? If you could go back and change one thing, what would it be?
I'm a true beleiver that things happen for a reason. And though I may forget the old adage when things get really tough, in hindsight I've been able to recognize the lesson that I was supposed to learn, or the good that came out of the struggle.
And I'm very proud of who I am, and where I am today in my life, and I wouldn't be this person if I hadn't gone through everything that I have. So in honor of living without regrets, and not looking back at 2006 wishing things had been different, here's my list of the Top Ten Things I Don't Regret in 2006.
1. Not hiring a doula. I wanted to do Taryn's birth as naturally as possible, but in the rush of getting everything tied together at work before I went on maternity leave and finishing the house, P and I just didn't get around to it. To be honest, we didn't get around to a lot of things before she was born, like finishing the nursery or writing up a birth plan, but not getting a doula was a wise decision. Because really, I'm proud of P and I for doing it how we did without outside help. And I didn't want to do anything but sit in the bed, curled inhis arms while I was in labor. I didn't want to speed it up by walking or anything because it already hurt so bad, and I learned through that experience that when it really comes down to it, P knows me better than anyone else, and he will be there for me when I need him.
2. Holing up for a week after Taryn's birth. I knew it was the best thing for us, so I could get to know my baby before subjecting myself to the stresses of entertaining. And though I felt bad for everyone else, I had to put my baby's needs over theirs, and I hope that I can continue to live like that. For the people who can't handle that and called me selfish... Suck it.
3. Buying the nursery furniture off craigslist. I had picked out beautiful matching furniture when I registered at Babies R Us, and had planned to spend close to $1500 on it, but as I realized that I needed to save just a bit more for my time off work, I looked around and eended up saving $1200 by getting it used. And go me! Because if I hadn't saved that money, I would have been back at work by now.
4. NaBloPoMo. Because yay! I won a shirt!
5. Telling the truth. I sleep better at night knowing that I am honest. Sure, I could have gotten stuff for free, or pretended that someone wasn't being passive-aggressive, but really, I feel good that I am living my life with integrity. And if I hurt people's feelings in the process, I'm sorry. I really am. But I'm not up to pretending and stuffing my feelings anymore.
6. Letting the baby sleep with us. Everyone told us we'd never get her out of our bed if we let her sleep withus, but I'm happy to say all those people are dead wrong. There was a few-month stretch when she slept with us all night, when I was too exhausted to get up to nurse her, and it was just easier or her to be in the bed with me. And look now. She's sleeping like an angel in her crib now. Though I do take her in the bed in the mornings, but I have to get my snuggle quota in!
7. Not doing the formula route. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm not bashing anyone's personal decision whether to breastfeed or not, because you all are sleeping while I'm up three times a night to nurse still. But it was important to me to breastfeed, and though I'm still tired a lot, and it's inconvenient sometimes, and I feel like a dairy cow when I pump, I'm glad I never caved in and gave her formula. And I'm glad the one time I actually made it for her, she wouldn't eat it and my milk came in just a couple of hours later.
8. Connecting with other new moms. It's so awesome to watch our kids grow up together, and to have someone to bitch to who knows exactly what I'm going through and can offer advice when I have problems. I've got issues with trusting new people, but I'm so glad I did because they have made this "new mom" thing so much easier.
9. Blogging again. Even just for the monthly check-ups on Taryn, I love that she will have a record of her life since before she can remember, and will be able to see who I was before she was born, and as a person other than just her mommy.
10. Lastly, I don't for a second regret taking up the caffeine addiction again. There are so many simple pleasures that people deny themselves for the sake of health or time or money. And I've given up a lot of things for all three of those, but I love my coffee, and I enjoy every single sip of it, every single morning.
I'm a true beleiver that things happen for a reason. And though I may forget the old adage when things get really tough, in hindsight I've been able to recognize the lesson that I was supposed to learn, or the good that came out of the struggle.
And I'm very proud of who I am, and where I am today in my life, and I wouldn't be this person if I hadn't gone through everything that I have. So in honor of living without regrets, and not looking back at 2006 wishing things had been different, here's my list of the Top Ten Things I Don't Regret in 2006.
1. Not hiring a doula. I wanted to do Taryn's birth as naturally as possible, but in the rush of getting everything tied together at work before I went on maternity leave and finishing the house, P and I just didn't get around to it. To be honest, we didn't get around to a lot of things before she was born, like finishing the nursery or writing up a birth plan, but not getting a doula was a wise decision. Because really, I'm proud of P and I for doing it how we did without outside help. And I didn't want to do anything but sit in the bed, curled inhis arms while I was in labor. I didn't want to speed it up by walking or anything because it already hurt so bad, and I learned through that experience that when it really comes down to it, P knows me better than anyone else, and he will be there for me when I need him.
2. Holing up for a week after Taryn's birth. I knew it was the best thing for us, so I could get to know my baby before subjecting myself to the stresses of entertaining. And though I felt bad for everyone else, I had to put my baby's needs over theirs, and I hope that I can continue to live like that. For the people who can't handle that and called me selfish... Suck it.
3. Buying the nursery furniture off craigslist. I had picked out beautiful matching furniture when I registered at Babies R Us, and had planned to spend close to $1500 on it, but as I realized that I needed to save just a bit more for my time off work, I looked around and eended up saving $1200 by getting it used. And go me! Because if I hadn't saved that money, I would have been back at work by now.
4. NaBloPoMo. Because yay! I won a shirt!
5. Telling the truth. I sleep better at night knowing that I am honest. Sure, I could have gotten stuff for free, or pretended that someone wasn't being passive-aggressive, but really, I feel good that I am living my life with integrity. And if I hurt people's feelings in the process, I'm sorry. I really am. But I'm not up to pretending and stuffing my feelings anymore.
6. Letting the baby sleep with us. Everyone told us we'd never get her out of our bed if we let her sleep withus, but I'm happy to say all those people are dead wrong. There was a few-month stretch when she slept with us all night, when I was too exhausted to get up to nurse her, and it was just easier or her to be in the bed with me. And look now. She's sleeping like an angel in her crib now. Though I do take her in the bed in the mornings, but I have to get my snuggle quota in!
7. Not doing the formula route. I know it works for a lot of people, and I'm not bashing anyone's personal decision whether to breastfeed or not, because you all are sleeping while I'm up three times a night to nurse still. But it was important to me to breastfeed, and though I'm still tired a lot, and it's inconvenient sometimes, and I feel like a dairy cow when I pump, I'm glad I never caved in and gave her formula. And I'm glad the one time I actually made it for her, she wouldn't eat it and my milk came in just a couple of hours later.
8. Connecting with other new moms. It's so awesome to watch our kids grow up together, and to have someone to bitch to who knows exactly what I'm going through and can offer advice when I have problems. I've got issues with trusting new people, but I'm so glad I did because they have made this "new mom" thing so much easier.
9. Blogging again. Even just for the monthly check-ups on Taryn, I love that she will have a record of her life since before she can remember, and will be able to see who I was before she was born, and as a person other than just her mommy.
10. Lastly, I don't for a second regret taking up the caffeine addiction again. There are so many simple pleasures that people deny themselves for the sake of health or time or money. And I've given up a lot of things for all three of those, but I love my coffee, and I enjoy every single sip of it, every single morning.
December 15, 2006
Sleep, Sweet Sleep
I have no idea what to do right now.
I've caught up reading my blogroll, I even went so far as to check out Crazy Aunt Purl's archives. Which I don't normally do.
I've made my list of what errands I need to run today.
And what I need to get at Trader Joe's for the Sangria tonight.
And still, Taryn is alseep.
Hmmmmm. I'm starting to think the disturbance of the last couple weeks (read: no naps, staying awake until midnight, then getting up at 7:30am, after wanting to nurse every 1.5 hours at night) may have been due to a serious growth spurt, and not teething like I had thought. She does seem a lot bigger to me, I'm guessing she's probably up to 16 lbs?
And I'm thinking the cereal is helping her to sleep like a normal child, at least during the day, because guess what? She still gets up to eat at least 3x each night. Normally.
Oh, speaking of the Devil, my Sweet Angel is calling.
Good thing too, feels like my boobs were going to explode soon!
I've caught up reading my blogroll, I even went so far as to check out Crazy Aunt Purl's archives. Which I don't normally do.
I've made my list of what errands I need to run today.
And what I need to get at Trader Joe's for the Sangria tonight.
And still, Taryn is alseep.
Hmmmmm. I'm starting to think the disturbance of the last couple weeks (read: no naps, staying awake until midnight, then getting up at 7:30am, after wanting to nurse every 1.5 hours at night) may have been due to a serious growth spurt, and not teething like I had thought. She does seem a lot bigger to me, I'm guessing she's probably up to 16 lbs?
And I'm thinking the cereal is helping her to sleep like a normal child, at least during the day, because guess what? She still gets up to eat at least 3x each night. Normally.
Oh, speaking of the Devil, my Sweet Angel is calling.
Good thing too, feels like my boobs were going to explode soon!
December 14, 2006
Chinese Food
I don't know what it is about (Americanized) Chinese food, but I FN love it.
Seriously, I think given the menu at say, Pings, I could live off Chinese food for a year straight, and still not be sick of it. It's so incredibly yummy.
I don't know if I would say that about any other type of food, except maybe Italian. Because as much as I love sushi, I don't think eating it every day would be okay with me. And maybe it's because it's fish, and to my uneducated taste buds, all fish kind of really tastes too similar to me to do on a daily basis.
When I was pregnant, I thought I could eat sandwiches every day. And the sad part about that is that I did for a while, and I ate the exact same sandwich, roast beef with pepper-jack cheese of a dutch crunch roll, for weeks, and was totally not sick of them. The only reason I stopped was I started getting heart burn in the last month or so, and I'm a wuss. What's the point of eating a deli sammie if you can't have pepperocinis on it? And those little Tums? Really didn't help with some foods.
I think for drinks, I would go with iced tea. Love it. And all the different flavors are wonderful. I used to be a dedicated peach tea drinker, but lately I've been into tho POM iced teas, and of course my fav is the peach one. I doubt I love it so much for how many antioxidants are in it, I'm just a fan of the flavor. And the re-useable glass. I've got like 20 in my kitchen.
What about you? What's your favorite food or drink?
Seriously, I think given the menu at say, Pings, I could live off Chinese food for a year straight, and still not be sick of it. It's so incredibly yummy.
I don't know if I would say that about any other type of food, except maybe Italian. Because as much as I love sushi, I don't think eating it every day would be okay with me. And maybe it's because it's fish, and to my uneducated taste buds, all fish kind of really tastes too similar to me to do on a daily basis.
When I was pregnant, I thought I could eat sandwiches every day. And the sad part about that is that I did for a while, and I ate the exact same sandwich, roast beef with pepper-jack cheese of a dutch crunch roll, for weeks, and was totally not sick of them. The only reason I stopped was I started getting heart burn in the last month or so, and I'm a wuss. What's the point of eating a deli sammie if you can't have pepperocinis on it? And those little Tums? Really didn't help with some foods.
I think for drinks, I would go with iced tea. Love it. And all the different flavors are wonderful. I used to be a dedicated peach tea drinker, but lately I've been into tho POM iced teas, and of course my fav is the peach one. I doubt I love it so much for how many antioxidants are in it, I'm just a fan of the flavor. And the re-useable glass. I've got like 20 in my kitchen.
What about you? What's your favorite food or drink?
December 13, 2006
Blast from the Past
So. I talked to my mom yesterday and she mentioned that she had seen one of my ex's at Ross or some store that day.
I should stop and mention that he wasn't exactly just an ex. He was my first, and my first real boyfriend, and a really good guy, and evidently he and my mom had had a conversation about marriage way back then. And she introduced him to her own boyfriend as "The one Aletta was supposed to marry."
Whoa.
But I haven't seen him since the day before I was married. We had lunch. He didn't say much. And I think a part of me was waiting for him to tell me that I was making a mistake, and that he'd take care of me, and I didn't have to marry P. But all he said was "Congratulations. As long as you're happy with him." And I have to love him for not trying to stop what he thought would make me happy.
And that's how we left things.
But to hear that he's still around, and frankly I'm surprised I haven't seen him in 5 years as we live in the same town... it just brings up such sweet memories. It's weird how that first person you love is always special, no matter the circumstances between you, and he's always been that yardstick that I measured men to, and nobody really was the same, but P was so close and time passes so quickly.
.....
In related news, I saw a girl from high school today. She was said ex's best friend's girlfriend. Got that?
She has three beautiful boys, all under 3 years old, and she looks fucking fabulous.
I'm jealous.
6 months and I haven't lost my baby weight yet. Her youngest is 4 months old, and she looks incredible, all chipper and smiles... I'm really happy for her. And she lives right down the street from me, so I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again.
I should stop and mention that he wasn't exactly just an ex. He was my first, and my first real boyfriend, and a really good guy, and evidently he and my mom had had a conversation about marriage way back then. And she introduced him to her own boyfriend as "The one Aletta was supposed to marry."
Whoa.
But I haven't seen him since the day before I was married. We had lunch. He didn't say much. And I think a part of me was waiting for him to tell me that I was making a mistake, and that he'd take care of me, and I didn't have to marry P. But all he said was "Congratulations. As long as you're happy with him." And I have to love him for not trying to stop what he thought would make me happy.
And that's how we left things.
But to hear that he's still around, and frankly I'm surprised I haven't seen him in 5 years as we live in the same town... it just brings up such sweet memories. It's weird how that first person you love is always special, no matter the circumstances between you, and he's always been that yardstick that I measured men to, and nobody really was the same, but P was so close and time passes so quickly.
.....
In related news, I saw a girl from high school today. She was said ex's best friend's girlfriend. Got that?
She has three beautiful boys, all under 3 years old, and she looks fucking fabulous.
I'm jealous.
6 months and I haven't lost my baby weight yet. Her youngest is 4 months old, and she looks incredible, all chipper and smiles... I'm really happy for her. And she lives right down the street from me, so I'm looking forward to hanging out with her again.
December 11, 2006
Quarter Life Crisis
I'm suddenly feeling like my "career" isn't exactly in alignment with my hopes for myself.
Not that I don't like my job. The people I work with are great, and for the most part I really like my clients too, it's just... I'm not passionate about it.
I don't know if I'm cut out for the sit-down type office job anymore. There was a time when the structure and reliability of a paycheck every two weeks was what I craved but now, it's just kind of boring. I want a job where I can get up and go outside sometimes, something creative without being too artsy, something I love to do and feel passionate about.
Like interior design. Or planning weddings.
Not that I have any skills in either of those two, but they sound fun, and challenging, and like something I would look forward to getting up to do every morning.
Nothing like determining benefits.
Yay.
So what to do? I'm not about to go back to school and miss out on more of Taryn growing up just because I have an itch to do something different.
What to do, what to do....
Not that I don't like my job. The people I work with are great, and for the most part I really like my clients too, it's just... I'm not passionate about it.
I don't know if I'm cut out for the sit-down type office job anymore. There was a time when the structure and reliability of a paycheck every two weeks was what I craved but now, it's just kind of boring. I want a job where I can get up and go outside sometimes, something creative without being too artsy, something I love to do and feel passionate about.
Like interior design. Or planning weddings.
Not that I have any skills in either of those two, but they sound fun, and challenging, and like something I would look forward to getting up to do every morning.
Nothing like determining benefits.
Yay.
So what to do? I'm not about to go back to school and miss out on more of Taryn growing up just because I have an itch to do something different.
What to do, what to do....
December 10, 2006
Always a Lady
We took Taryn to meet a woman who runs a home daycare yesterday. She did very well, considering she was in a new place being held by a stranger. She had one pouty moment, but was easily distracted by the massive amount of new toys she could play with.
The woman was very nice telling us all about herself and her experience, and Taryn warmed up to her very quickly.
And you know when she gets comfortable, she just starts babbling away.
So Taryn is sitting in her lap, playing with some little toys, the woman starts talking to Taryn, like "Really? Wow! Tell me more!"
And Taryn, realizing that it wasn't Mommy's voice turns, looks at the woman, sticks out her tongue and starts blowing spit bubbles and making that razzberry sound.
I about died laughing looking at the shocked look on her face. I'm sure she's seen it before, but maybe never in context by such a young child. And every time she started talking to Taryn again, she would turn around and blow some more spit bubbles at her.
So then we were talking some more (us adults, I mean) and Taryn got down on her belly, butt pointing up in the air trying to reach for a teether that was just out of her reach. And I think she strained so hard she just couldn't help it.
"Pppppfffffggggghhhhhhhhh!"
She just let one rip.
Tee-hee-hee, my little Angel knows how to be a Lady already!
I'll admit, I showed her the razzberry one, but those farts? That's all her Papa and Uncle B's fault.
.....
btw, I just realized this is my 100th post. Yay!
The woman was very nice telling us all about herself and her experience, and Taryn warmed up to her very quickly.
And you know when she gets comfortable, she just starts babbling away.
So Taryn is sitting in her lap, playing with some little toys, the woman starts talking to Taryn, like "Really? Wow! Tell me more!"
And Taryn, realizing that it wasn't Mommy's voice turns, looks at the woman, sticks out her tongue and starts blowing spit bubbles and making that razzberry sound.
I about died laughing looking at the shocked look on her face. I'm sure she's seen it before, but maybe never in context by such a young child. And every time she started talking to Taryn again, she would turn around and blow some more spit bubbles at her.
So then we were talking some more (us adults, I mean) and Taryn got down on her belly, butt pointing up in the air trying to reach for a teether that was just out of her reach. And I think she strained so hard she just couldn't help it.
"Pppppfffffggggghhhhhhhhh!"
She just let one rip.
Tee-hee-hee, my little Angel knows how to be a Lady already!
I'll admit, I showed her the razzberry one, but those farts? That's all her Papa and Uncle B's fault.
.....
btw, I just realized this is my 100th post. Yay!
December 8, 2006
For You, Nonny
Merry Christmas!!
"This stuff gives me gas, but I'm putting on a brave face."
"Maybe if I don't look, this huge orange bear will disappear... Wait! Uncle Jeff, is that you?"
I don't know if this kid could take a bad picture.
One Down. Two to Go.
I took out my tongue ring last night.
I'm still not really sure why, just seemed like the right time. I've had it since I was 16, a good long 7 years this January, and I just didn't want it anymore.
Every time I took it out before, it felt so weird I had to put it back in, but this time, I feel like I'm whole again, or at least that part of me.
I've read that people who get a lot of piercings do it as an external statement of the pain they have inside, so maybe that particular pain is gone now.
Ohmyhotgeebus.
I got my tongue pierced about 7 months after I lost my baby.
Now I have my baby back.
...
....
.....
That was quite a realization there, I'm going to need to cut this short for some processing time. Suffice to say, I still have my nose and navel done. But I'm under the impression those were purely aesthetic. I got them done before my life turned to shit, and I think I'll hang on to them for a while longer.
I'm still not really sure why, just seemed like the right time. I've had it since I was 16, a good long 7 years this January, and I just didn't want it anymore.
Every time I took it out before, it felt so weird I had to put it back in, but this time, I feel like I'm whole again, or at least that part of me.
I've read that people who get a lot of piercings do it as an external statement of the pain they have inside, so maybe that particular pain is gone now.
Ohmyhotgeebus.
I got my tongue pierced about 7 months after I lost my baby.
Now I have my baby back.
...
....
.....
That was quite a realization there, I'm going to need to cut this short for some processing time. Suffice to say, I still have my nose and navel done. But I'm under the impression those were purely aesthetic. I got them done before my life turned to shit, and I think I'll hang on to them for a while longer.
December 7, 2006
When is Enough, Enough?
[This post has been edited on 12/8/06 to remove the 18 swear words that I so unjudiciously inserted in my rage. Actually, it was only two different words, used 18 times. Sorry folks.]
Because really, I'm about *this[beep]ingclose* to throwing in the towel.
There is only so much bull[beep] a woman can take before it's time to get Tanya Harding on someone's ass, and don't blame me for reacting in a slightly psychotic way after trying and trying for years to get this [beep] on an even keel.
Please excuse the language, I'm feeling more pissed than creative so the barbs are more brutish than poetic.
[Beep] him. And I'm not the one to talk massive amounts of [beep] about someone I'm close to, but who in the [beep] does he think he is coming home at 2:30am when he knows gawd damn good and well that the baby isn't doing well, and I barely slept the night before.
And [beep] him for leaving all his [beep] around the house like a [beep]ing child and expecting me to clean up after is nasty stank-ass, then complaining if the house isn't clean. Like his ass ever does anything more than sit and watch TV and scratch his balls.
And [beep] him for calling me fat when his flabby ass stomach hangs over the top of his pants and he eats twice as much as me, eats out almost every day, doesn't go to the gym, and doesn't even have the excuse of birthing a child.
And [beep] him even more for being broke and not wanting to get another job even though his trashy ass can't afford food or even his own socks and would be seriously hurting in every single way if I didn't pay for most of everything that we have. We wouldn't have [beep] if it wasn't for me, and his non-ambitious ass just complains about his credit card debt. [Beep] that. Stop spending money on stupid [beep] you know you can't afford!
And [beep] the complaining about everything when you don't do a [beep]ing thing to make things better.
[Beep] you not doing your own laundry, and not appreciating a [beep]ing thing I do for you.
Man, just [beep] off.
Because really, I'm about *this[beep]ingclose* to throwing in the towel.
There is only so much bull[beep] a woman can take before it's time to get Tanya Harding on someone's ass, and don't blame me for reacting in a slightly psychotic way after trying and trying for years to get this [beep] on an even keel.
Please excuse the language, I'm feeling more pissed than creative so the barbs are more brutish than poetic.
[Beep] him. And I'm not the one to talk massive amounts of [beep] about someone I'm close to, but who in the [beep] does he think he is coming home at 2:30am when he knows gawd damn good and well that the baby isn't doing well, and I barely slept the night before.
And [beep] him for leaving all his [beep] around the house like a [beep]ing child and expecting me to clean up after is nasty stank-ass, then complaining if the house isn't clean. Like his ass ever does anything more than sit and watch TV and scratch his balls.
And [beep] him for calling me fat when his flabby ass stomach hangs over the top of his pants and he eats twice as much as me, eats out almost every day, doesn't go to the gym, and doesn't even have the excuse of birthing a child.
And [beep] him even more for being broke and not wanting to get another job even though his trashy ass can't afford food or even his own socks and would be seriously hurting in every single way if I didn't pay for most of everything that we have. We wouldn't have [beep] if it wasn't for me, and his non-ambitious ass just complains about his credit card debt. [Beep] that. Stop spending money on stupid [beep] you know you can't afford!
And [beep] the complaining about everything when you don't do a [beep]ing thing to make things better.
[Beep] you not doing your own laundry, and not appreciating a [beep]ing thing I do for you.
Man, just [beep] off.
December 6, 2006
If You're Thinking of Getting Me a Present for Christmas....
Please buy it for me, and not Taryn.
Now I know someone out there is thinking "Dang, this girl is selfish!" But here's the thing. I may have mentioned before that I hate being disappointed. And what's more disappointing than seeing a present with your name on it, and after opening it, you realize its for someone else?
Nothing. Not. A. Thing.
I'm not saying don't buy presents for Taryn, in fact, I'd prefer people only buy presents for her, and not me (so then I don't have to buy you anything! Hee-hee). But if you're going to put my name on a present, please buy it for me.
See, this happened when I was pregnant. For my birthday, out of all the gifts I received, only my mom and P and my Aunt Jen actually bought something for me. And I swear, I'm not being greedy or selfish or anything, I'd just really prefer to know ahead of time that the gift I'm opening is for someone else.
So please, please, if you're thinking of buying me a gift this year, don't wrap up something for Taryn and put my name on it.
That's just wrong.
But please feel free to buy whatever you want for my baby girl. She's wearing 6/9 months now. And don't tell me all the things you wanted to buy her, but didn't because I would get mad. I've told everyone a million times I don't mind if they spend money on her, just don't spend *too much* on P and I.
Merry Christmas!!
Now I know someone out there is thinking "Dang, this girl is selfish!" But here's the thing. I may have mentioned before that I hate being disappointed. And what's more disappointing than seeing a present with your name on it, and after opening it, you realize its for someone else?
Nothing. Not. A. Thing.
I'm not saying don't buy presents for Taryn, in fact, I'd prefer people only buy presents for her, and not me (so then I don't have to buy you anything! Hee-hee). But if you're going to put my name on a present, please buy it for me.
See, this happened when I was pregnant. For my birthday, out of all the gifts I received, only my mom and P and my Aunt Jen actually bought something for me. And I swear, I'm not being greedy or selfish or anything, I'd just really prefer to know ahead of time that the gift I'm opening is for someone else.
So please, please, if you're thinking of buying me a gift this year, don't wrap up something for Taryn and put my name on it.
That's just wrong.
But please feel free to buy whatever you want for my baby girl. She's wearing 6/9 months now. And don't tell me all the things you wanted to buy her, but didn't because I would get mad. I've told everyone a million times I don't mind if they spend money on her, just don't spend *too much* on P and I.
Merry Christmas!!
December 4, 2006
I Won!!
Not the car, mind you, but I won nonetheless! Yay me!
I get an awesome shirt from Margalit's Cafepress store. Not exactly work appropriate, I think, but very cool.
I really never win anything. I once thought I was lucky. When I was 7 or so, my mom took J and I to Disneyland. On each person's ticket was a scratch-off or something, and if your character matched the character of the day, you got to go up on this crazy-decorated stage and spin this wheel to win a prize.
Well, lucky me, I got to go up and won Dumbo and The Little Mermaid on VHS. I was so psyched, because listen, I wasn't a lucky kid. But then I later found out that the ticket was really my mom's and she gave it to me instead of going up there herself. Sweet, but damn.
The other time I thought I was lucky for winning something was when we were at Knotts Berry Farm and I got to go on the show "Let's Get Messy." Our contest was musical chairs, but on each chair there was a pie platter of chocolate pudding that you had to sit in. So me in my magenta, paisly-paterned hammer pants with the paisly-print vest attached to a turtleneck went up on stage and got pretty far in the game (but didn't win, I think I was the third to last person off) and after the game I was all chocolatey from the game, and soaking wet from my mom trying to hose the chocolate off my pants, and on top of it all I was freezing cold because the sun had started to set.
And in the end my pants got ruined, so my mom wrote a letter to the show to pay for my pants but instead they sent me a bunch of show paraphanalia, a tee-shirt and poster and a signed picture of that creepy red-headed guy who was the host. Damn.
So I'm stoked to win this shirt, fair and square, no strings attached, without ruining an outfit of mine. I'll post a picture in it when it arrives so you all can see my dominatrix side. Tee-hee-hee.
I get an awesome shirt from Margalit's Cafepress store. Not exactly work appropriate, I think, but very cool.
I really never win anything. I once thought I was lucky. When I was 7 or so, my mom took J and I to Disneyland. On each person's ticket was a scratch-off or something, and if your character matched the character of the day, you got to go up on this crazy-decorated stage and spin this wheel to win a prize.
Well, lucky me, I got to go up and won Dumbo and The Little Mermaid on VHS. I was so psyched, because listen, I wasn't a lucky kid. But then I later found out that the ticket was really my mom's and she gave it to me instead of going up there herself. Sweet, but damn.
The other time I thought I was lucky for winning something was when we were at Knotts Berry Farm and I got to go on the show "Let's Get Messy." Our contest was musical chairs, but on each chair there was a pie platter of chocolate pudding that you had to sit in. So me in my magenta, paisly-paterned hammer pants with the paisly-print vest attached to a turtleneck went up on stage and got pretty far in the game (but didn't win, I think I was the third to last person off) and after the game I was all chocolatey from the game, and soaking wet from my mom trying to hose the chocolate off my pants, and on top of it all I was freezing cold because the sun had started to set.
And in the end my pants got ruined, so my mom wrote a letter to the show to pay for my pants but instead they sent me a bunch of show paraphanalia, a tee-shirt and poster and a signed picture of that creepy red-headed guy who was the host. Damn.
So I'm stoked to win this shirt, fair and square, no strings attached, without ruining an outfit of mine. I'll post a picture in it when it arrives so you all can see my dominatrix side. Tee-hee-hee.
December 3, 2006
Cereal
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!
Taryn ate her first few spoons of cereal today.
I'm not sure which side of the family she gets her facial expressions from, but the grimace of "What in the hell is this lumpy, bland, tastes-like-titty-milk crap they are shoveling into my mouth? And why in the hell are you filiming me and laughing and smiling while I drool on myself like a catatonic monkey in this chair that is made for someone twice my size?"
Tooo cute. And I was going to put pictures up, but the camera died right when we were finishing, so soon. Very soon.
I'm praying that it really does help her sleep a bit longer at night. Seriously. As much as I love nursing her and cuddling at night, I can't fathom the orgasmic bliss of sleeping like, six hours in a row, without being disturbed.
*sigh*
Taryn ate her first few spoons of cereal today.
I'm not sure which side of the family she gets her facial expressions from, but the grimace of "What in the hell is this lumpy, bland, tastes-like-titty-milk crap they are shoveling into my mouth? And why in the hell are you filiming me and laughing and smiling while I drool on myself like a catatonic monkey in this chair that is made for someone twice my size?"
Tooo cute. And I was going to put pictures up, but the camera died right when we were finishing, so soon. Very soon.
I'm praying that it really does help her sleep a bit longer at night. Seriously. As much as I love nursing her and cuddling at night, I can't fathom the orgasmic bliss of sleeping like, six hours in a row, without being disturbed.
*sigh*
December 1, 2006
Cried Myself to Sleep
Ohmigod.
I am so torn.
I know I have to go back to work. We can't afford our house if I don't, but I'm heartbroken at the thought of leaving my little Angel with a stranger.
I know she's going to be okay, and I'll be crying when it happens, not her.
But I feel like I just want to curl up and die right now.
I have to set my intention now, while it's fresh and painful and clear.
The relationship is what is most important at this age. I don't care about the high-tech toys and circle time and all that. I just want someone to love her half as much as I do, and to make sure she knows how special she is, and not stifle her creativity.
I can't breathe.
I can't stop the tears.
I don't know if I can do this ...
I am so torn.
I know I have to go back to work. We can't afford our house if I don't, but I'm heartbroken at the thought of leaving my little Angel with a stranger.
I know she's going to be okay, and I'll be crying when it happens, not her.
But I feel like I just want to curl up and die right now.
I have to set my intention now, while it's fresh and painful and clear.
The relationship is what is most important at this age. I don't care about the high-tech toys and circle time and all that. I just want someone to love her half as much as I do, and to make sure she knows how special she is, and not stifle her creativity.
I can't breathe.
I can't stop the tears.
I don't know if I can do this ...
November 30, 2006
NaBloPoMo -- Day 30
Yeah Baby! I made it!
And I've set a personal record of 38 posts for a single month. Now, I'll admit, a few were pretty lame, but the fact that I actually posted 30 days straight when the old computer died and was revived, the new computer shorted the keyboard and mouse, and melted the motherboard, and 5 days away from home posting via my phone.... I think I did pretty damn good, considering.
The funny this is how the mere thought of winning something can motivate you. Not that I actualy believe I'll win, because I never win anything, but the off chance that I might was nagging the back of my mind when I really considered not doing a post on some days.
Speaking of winning, on the american express website, I'm trying to buy a Porsche Caymen for $5k. I know, fat chance, right? But how dumb would I feel if I was meant to have it, and I didn't even try! It's a coupe though, so it wouldn't work with the carseat. I think I'd try to sell it and get a different car, maybe pay off my credit cards and set aside money for Taryn's college fund. *sigh* I could do so much with a little bit of free money.
Well anyway, wish me luck, send me some good juju, all that great stuff.
And I think I'll make a goal now of posting most days of the week. Kind of like my workout goal that flopped, but blogging is so much easier than getting my lazy ass up off this chair and to a gym!
And I've set a personal record of 38 posts for a single month. Now, I'll admit, a few were pretty lame, but the fact that I actually posted 30 days straight when the old computer died and was revived, the new computer shorted the keyboard and mouse, and melted the motherboard, and 5 days away from home posting via my phone.... I think I did pretty damn good, considering.
The funny this is how the mere thought of winning something can motivate you. Not that I actualy believe I'll win, because I never win anything, but the off chance that I might was nagging the back of my mind when I really considered not doing a post on some days.
Speaking of winning, on the american express website, I'm trying to buy a Porsche Caymen for $5k. I know, fat chance, right? But how dumb would I feel if I was meant to have it, and I didn't even try! It's a coupe though, so it wouldn't work with the carseat. I think I'd try to sell it and get a different car, maybe pay off my credit cards and set aside money for Taryn's college fund. *sigh* I could do so much with a little bit of free money.
Well anyway, wish me luck, send me some good juju, all that great stuff.
And I think I'll make a goal now of posting most days of the week. Kind of like my workout goal that flopped, but blogging is so much easier than getting my lazy ass up off this chair and to a gym!
November 29, 2006
FN Spider
I got bit in the ass last night by a spider.
I just don't get how it crawls all the way up my PJs, bites me, and gets all the way back out without getting squished.
Damn.
I just don't get how it crawls all the way up my PJs, bites me, and gets all the way back out without getting squished.
Damn.
On Debt
Debt is so much a part of everyday life for my generation. It's kind of sad, but at the same time I wonder how in the hell past generations were able to own homes, furniture, cars, have children young, and all on only one income.
I've tried really hard to limit my debt whenever possible, for the simple fact that until a year and a half ago, I didn't make enought to pay much more than my bills and student loans each month. But now that I have a better job, I also have a baby that I need to pay for childcare for, so it seems like the situation really hasn't changed that much for me.
The reason thought that I've been thinking about it so much is that since I decided to stay on maternity leave longer than I previously anticipated, I'm realizing that I'm going to head back to work a couple thousand in debt.
Okay, part of it is the shopping, I know. I could live without a new dinig room table and an old phone, and the baby could sleep in too small PJs, but I'm sick of living like that. I'm sick of always putting off what I want and need for when I can afford it.
And I've done good so far with the credit. I never get more in debt than I think I can pay back, it just sucks to have to think so far in the future for things that I want to enjoy now. And sucks even more that my other half isn't nearly as responsible with "his" debt, as I am with "mine." Because when it comes down to it, we really do have a shared obligation to pay it all back, even if we didn't spend equal amounts of it, and even if he buys stuff for himself, while I buy stuff the whole family will use. But that's another story completely.
So really, this is just my justification for spending another $500 tomorrow, because it's the last day of a really great sale, and glass tables are dangerous for small children. So I have to protect the baby. ;)
I've tried really hard to limit my debt whenever possible, for the simple fact that until a year and a half ago, I didn't make enought to pay much more than my bills and student loans each month. But now that I have a better job, I also have a baby that I need to pay for childcare for, so it seems like the situation really hasn't changed that much for me.
The reason thought that I've been thinking about it so much is that since I decided to stay on maternity leave longer than I previously anticipated, I'm realizing that I'm going to head back to work a couple thousand in debt.
Okay, part of it is the shopping, I know. I could live without a new dinig room table and an old phone, and the baby could sleep in too small PJs, but I'm sick of living like that. I'm sick of always putting off what I want and need for when I can afford it.
And I've done good so far with the credit. I never get more in debt than I think I can pay back, it just sucks to have to think so far in the future for things that I want to enjoy now. And sucks even more that my other half isn't nearly as responsible with "his" debt, as I am with "mine." Because when it comes down to it, we really do have a shared obligation to pay it all back, even if we didn't spend equal amounts of it, and even if he buys stuff for himself, while I buy stuff the whole family will use. But that's another story completely.
So really, this is just my justification for spending another $500 tomorrow, because it's the last day of a really great sale, and glass tables are dangerous for small children. So I have to protect the baby. ;)
November 28, 2006
So Far, So Good
Just talked to Nonny on the phone.
It feels so good to have her tell me that I'm doing a good job with Taryn.
Not that I don't think so too, but validation is a wonderful thing for the psyche.
It feels so good to have her tell me that I'm doing a good job with Taryn.
Not that I don't think so too, but validation is a wonderful thing for the psyche.
10 Reasons Today Already Sucks
And its only 9am...
1. I'm sick.
2. Baby's sick too.
3. I still have homework to do.
4. I'm spposed to go to class tonight.
5. I don't have my Christmas tree yet.
6. I don't have a car today.
7. I'm not going to be able to make it to pilates this afternoon.
8. I'm hungry, and there's nothing I want to eat here.
9. The dogs smell.
10. My toe still hurts.
Damnit all to hell. I have another one.
11. Taryn is a pro at rolling from back-to-tummy, but not as good figuring out how to get back on her back. So I keep trying to put her to sleep, and she keeps rolling to her tummy right away, then starts fussing because she's tired and doesn't want to play. I need a nanny.
1. I'm sick.
2. Baby's sick too.
3. I still have homework to do.
4. I'm spposed to go to class tonight.
5. I don't have my Christmas tree yet.
6. I don't have a car today.
7. I'm not going to be able to make it to pilates this afternoon.
8. I'm hungry, and there's nothing I want to eat here.
9. The dogs smell.
10. My toe still hurts.
Damnit all to hell. I have another one.
11. Taryn is a pro at rolling from back-to-tummy, but not as good figuring out how to get back on her back. So I keep trying to put her to sleep, and she keeps rolling to her tummy right away, then starts fussing because she's tired and doesn't want to play. I need a nanny.
November 27, 2006
I Trust Myself, Why Can't Others Do the Same?
I'm really sick of feeling like I have to justify my actions to others. Taryn is my daughter, why do people feel like they have a say in how I raise her?
I know I shouldn't let it bother me, I should take the good advice I hear and just ignore the rest, but it irks me. Especailly when P questions what I'm doing. Like on the plane flying back from Chicago yesterday.
Taryn was crying. I knew she was just tired, but he kept insisting that she was hungry, and so I tried nursing her just so he'd get off my case. When she started crying more hysterically, I told him again that she was just tired and suggested he walk with her a bit. But of course he wasn't able to calm her down after that so I took her back, and she fell asleep within minutes.
Now some folks feel real warm and fuzzy that they are the only ones who can soothe their children. But me, I'm annoyed. I try to give P opportunities to soothe her, rock her to sleep, bathe her and everything, but when it comes down to it, when she's even a touch more than mildly upset, he can't do it.
I tell him consistency is the key, that he can't do it now because he didn't try when she was a newborn. And even now he only puts her to sleep once or twice a week, and only sees her for an hour or so most workdays. But he gets frustrated that he can't do it as fast as I can, and he gives up.
And the messed up part of it all, is that when she's really having a fit at home I try to let him handle it, but then he guilt-trips me into taking her back saying things like " You're just going to sit there and let your baby suffer?" And "How can you hear your baby cry and not do anything?" But then when he can't soothe her he gets pissed off saying that I always take her from him too soon and don't give him a chance to learn what she likes.
And on top of that, I feel like he's sabotoging my efforts to get her to sleep on her own, and to get her on an eating schedule of every 3 hours instead of every two. Because I keep telling him (and showing him) that she needs to be put in her crib while she's still awake so she can learn to sleep herself, but whenever he puts her down, he does it when she's in a deep pskeep because he says she wakes up right away if she isn't. And every time she starts to fuss, his first reaction is to bring her to me and say she's hungry. Not even comprehending that she nurses for comfort at night and in the evening before bed, even though I've explained it many, many times.
Aaaarrrrggghhh.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him, and how frustrated I am with his lack of parenting skills, and more-so with his lack of desire to learn any new skills. But I guess that's what I'm ruminating on tonight. And compounded with my lack of sleep, I'm really surprised things aren't uglier than they are....
Oh well, better out than in, right?
I know I shouldn't let it bother me, I should take the good advice I hear and just ignore the rest, but it irks me. Especailly when P questions what I'm doing. Like on the plane flying back from Chicago yesterday.
Taryn was crying. I knew she was just tired, but he kept insisting that she was hungry, and so I tried nursing her just so he'd get off my case. When she started crying more hysterically, I told him again that she was just tired and suggested he walk with her a bit. But of course he wasn't able to calm her down after that so I took her back, and she fell asleep within minutes.
Now some folks feel real warm and fuzzy that they are the only ones who can soothe their children. But me, I'm annoyed. I try to give P opportunities to soothe her, rock her to sleep, bathe her and everything, but when it comes down to it, when she's even a touch more than mildly upset, he can't do it.
I tell him consistency is the key, that he can't do it now because he didn't try when she was a newborn. And even now he only puts her to sleep once or twice a week, and only sees her for an hour or so most workdays. But he gets frustrated that he can't do it as fast as I can, and he gives up.
And the messed up part of it all, is that when she's really having a fit at home I try to let him handle it, but then he guilt-trips me into taking her back saying things like " You're just going to sit there and let your baby suffer?" And "How can you hear your baby cry and not do anything?" But then when he can't soothe her he gets pissed off saying that I always take her from him too soon and don't give him a chance to learn what she likes.
And on top of that, I feel like he's sabotoging my efforts to get her to sleep on her own, and to get her on an eating schedule of every 3 hours instead of every two. Because I keep telling him (and showing him) that she needs to be put in her crib while she's still awake so she can learn to sleep herself, but whenever he puts her down, he does it when she's in a deep pskeep because he says she wakes up right away if she isn't. And every time she starts to fuss, his first reaction is to bring her to me and say she's hungry. Not even comprehending that she nurses for comfort at night and in the evening before bed, even though I've explained it many, many times.
Aaaarrrrggghhh.
This post wasn't supposed to be about him, and how frustrated I am with his lack of parenting skills, and more-so with his lack of desire to learn any new skills. But I guess that's what I'm ruminating on tonight. And compounded with my lack of sleep, I'm really surprised things aren't uglier than they are....
Oh well, better out than in, right?
Computer Died Again
So. Last time this happened, P bought a new computer.
It was all shiny and fast and new.
And it fried everything that was connected to it for power.
No mouse.
No keyboard.
Well, we borrowed a keyboard from my mom, but it's ergo, and I don't know how to type, so this is pretty damn difficult to write right now.
And the mouse is broken. It scrolls side-to-side, but not up and down, so I actually have to use alt+ and the direction keys to navigate everything.
Damn.
I have to finish a paper for ECE, and if I have the patience, I'll post a real blog.
It was all shiny and fast and new.
And it fried everything that was connected to it for power.
No mouse.
No keyboard.
Well, we borrowed a keyboard from my mom, but it's ergo, and I don't know how to type, so this is pretty damn difficult to write right now.
And the mouse is broken. It scrolls side-to-side, but not up and down, so I actually have to use alt+ and the direction keys to navigate everything.
Damn.
I have to finish a paper for ECE, and if I have the patience, I'll post a real blog.
November 26, 2006
This NaBloPoMo Thing
Really isn't as bad as I thought. I mean, really, all I have to do is post every single day. Even just a few words, and since I have email on my phone now, I was even able to do it while I was driving to see family.
I don't see what all the fuss is about.
I don't see what all the fuss is about.
What to do...
When someone you care about loves someone you don't care for.
I have no idea.
And the more I think about it, there's two different situations to consider. One is when the person is an a-hole, and you know they are bad news.
The other is when the person is not necessarily bad, but they are a bad influence. Is that possible?
I feel bad for not liking some folks that are close to friends and family, but when it comes right down to it, I have to trust my intuition. And when I see someone changing (not in a good way) because of the person they are in a relationship with, I have to assume that it is that person that is infuencing their actions.
Whatever. I don't know what to do. I don't want to open my mouth and ruin something that could be good, or damage the relationship I have because of a hunch, but I also don't feel like I'm being honest by pretending that I like the person. Hmmmmm....
And what makes it more difficult is that I was indifferent for so long, and I'm just coming to the realization that it's more than that, it is genuine dislike. Equally for what has been done, as for what hasn't.
I have no idea.
And the more I think about it, there's two different situations to consider. One is when the person is an a-hole, and you know they are bad news.
The other is when the person is not necessarily bad, but they are a bad influence. Is that possible?
I feel bad for not liking some folks that are close to friends and family, but when it comes right down to it, I have to trust my intuition. And when I see someone changing (not in a good way) because of the person they are in a relationship with, I have to assume that it is that person that is infuencing their actions.
Whatever. I don't know what to do. I don't want to open my mouth and ruin something that could be good, or damage the relationship I have because of a hunch, but I also don't feel like I'm being honest by pretending that I like the person. Hmmmmm....
And what makes it more difficult is that I was indifferent for so long, and I'm just coming to the realization that it's more than that, it is genuine dislike. Equally for what has been done, as for what hasn't.
November 25, 2006
Family Drama
I hate getting stuck in the middle.
Tommorow: What to do when you dont like someone that your family loves.
Tommorow: What to do when you dont like someone that your family loves.
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