Once Again

I looked at her cheeky smile, and two beats passed before I smiled back. There is something wrong. I should be okay right now, things are going well, but I don't feel anything but rage. I'm avoiding people, seeking out friends who don't know me, putting the girls to sleep early so I can sit by myself in the dark.

Things are going well though, why can't I go along well too?

I'm scared it's coming back.

My persona, like the downstairs of my house, is relatively clutter free, clean swept, organized, functional and inviting. My upstairs, in the hidden parts, it's a quietly raging storm of dark thoughts, disorganized obsessions, guilt, fear, sadness, all melding together and obstructing any positivity in my life right now.

It's definitely coming back, and I have to stop it before it ruins my life, traumatizes my kids, breaks my marriage. Fuck, I don't want to deal with this. I don't know if I have the strength to do it again. I'm so tired.