Not Up for Negotiation

Yep, that's what I told P last night. He made some smarmy comment about my disappointment that I wasn't pregnant this cycle, some BS that I was sad because that was my one chance to trick him into having another one.

So I simply told him that I am having another baby, with him, and he needs to get used to the idea, because I'm not asking permission, and it's not up for negotiation.

Ha. Bet he didn't see that one coming. And yes, that is exactly what I told him, practically word for word.

The funny thing was, once I said it and we talked some more about why he was still hesitant and why I wanted so badly to have another baby so soon, he almost seemed relieved that I had very concrete reasons for my decision (yay Blogger!) and my mind was made up. He even said he'd be happy to have twins, because then he'd know I wouldn't want anymore after that.

(We'll see...)

There are very few things in our marriage that I am absolutely set on, refuse to budge, and make my opinions very super-clear. This is one of them. I choose my battles knowing that I can't get what I want every time, so I stick to what is important to me and in the long run, I know he will be happy that we did it this way.

We were talking about all the places we wanted to travel to, bemoaning the fact that we won't be able to go for many years, but it will be so much more special to be able to share it with our kids. Spain, Italy, South Africa, Alaska, England, India, Thailand, New York.

I can't wait to be 30! Hehehe.

Babies on the Brain

Okay, okay. I'll have time to obsess about babies when I'm pregnant next time. In the words of a friend yesterday, "Why are you rushing it?"

So here are my top 10 reasons I want to be pregnant by Summer:

1. Energy. I just don't see myself as a 30-something running around after a toddler.

2. Spacing. If the next one is less than 3 years younger than Boogie, they have a better chance of being friends, getting to play together, and growing up together. I don't want one kid leaving high school before the other one is out of middle.

3. Sleep. I'm lacking sleep now, not quite deprived, but I'd rather not get used to full nights of sleep, then go back to getting up every few hours to nurse.

4. Money. Yep, we're pretty much broke right now. I don't really want to get used to having money again, then shelling out thousands of dollars per year for child care, diapers and toys again later.

5. Jojo. The girl is going to grow up one day and want to get married. I told her she can't leave until I have anoter baby, and both kids are in school, at least part time, so see? I'm trying to help her out too.

6. Body. I'm so not motivated to get in shape when I know I might gain 40 pounds by the end of the year. Better to pop them all out in a row, then get my ass in shape.

7. Space. Two kids close in age, even opposite genders, can share a room. I'm not going to be cruel and make my 10 year old daughter share a room with her 5 year old brother. I could, but that would suck for both of them.

8. Marriage. Having a young child is a strain on my realtionship with P. I'd hate to drag that out over years and years.

9. Travel. I'm dying to take trips with my kids, show them all the amazing things the world has to offer, but I'm not doing it with little babies. I want them to be old enough to somewhat appreciate the different cultures, to be able to go more than 5 hours wihtout a nap, if needed, to be out of diapers so I'm not lugging a pound of wipies wherever we go.

10. Mood. I love being a Mommy. I loved being pregnant. Two will be harder than one, but I know the good outweighs the bad, and I'm willing to sacrafice my social life, partying, cute shoes, etc, to be a Mommy a second time around.

The more I think about it, the better I think it is to have them close in age. I'm good with consistency. If I consistently don't sleep, don't have a clean house, and don't have money, I'm fine with that. But going from one extreme to the other, then back and forth a bit is too much for me, I think. We all choose to do it differently, but I'm glad I started young, and I hope to be finished by the time I'm 30.

Where I Ramble Emotionally About Marriage

I don't know how to wrap my head around the feelings I have when a couple splits up. Part of it is fear, how can P and I expect to maintain a marriage if they couldn't do it? Part of it is worry, because what if they are making a mistake? Did they go to therapy? Did they try hard enough to work it out?

And part of it is envy. To be willing to do something like that to make each other happier. I don't think P and I are mature enough for that.

I'm not talking about envy in the sense that I wish I were single, I can't imagine having to deal with the BS of dating again, of searching, waiting, and in the end having the same issues that we have now. I like the routine we have in our lives, I like the challenge of breaking out of that routine every once in a while to do something exciting, but then to be able to fall back into the comfort of a long-term relationship.

But I envy valuing myself enough to take that plunge into the unknown (though for this particular couple, who were married later in life and already knew the single life, I guess it's not really unknown), to give up so much that I had worked for in the last few years to start over, hoping for something better. I don't doubt that they still love each other, but it wasn't working, and they decided to call it quits.

At times I have thought it would be easier to be single, to do it alone, and do it my way, but I'm willing to sacrafice control in order to maintain what we've built together. The rough times have thus far been temporary. Yes, there are lingering issues, but when I took my vows I meant them. I'm not giving up without a fight.

In the larger context, I think that a lot of people are giving up too soon. This isn't a judgement, because there is no way I will ever know all the dynamics of the relationship, I can never know all the bits and pieces they brought to their union, and how hard they fought to make it work. I do know that a lot more people are getting divorced now compared to 30 years ago. I do know a lot of children are suffering the loss of a parent.

And I also know that the divorce process is easier than trying to work it out.

But I'm bummed out. I never saw it coming. I thought they were one of those quirky couples who, although very different from each other, they were madly in love after all these years, and they were going to stay together forever. I keep coming back to it in my mind. All week it's beein weighing on me, and not just this couple, but others as well, it's like a wave crashing over us and some couples are being washed apart by it.

And I wonder how deep P and I's roots are, what our foundation has been built on that has held us steady for so long. What would be the stressor that breaks us? Our marriage is riddled in conflict, but somehow we've been able to get past the obstacles. Us. Both children of divorce. Is it our pasts that make us unwilling to give up the fight? Is it Boogie that softens us to change? What the hell is it that casuses some people to divorce, and others to stuck together?

What is it?

Have You Seen My Evil Twin?

I don't know her name, but she's dying to get an ultra-modern short haircut, paints her nails blood red, wears plunging necklines, and drives a new car.

I'm worried her thoughts are polluting my mind.

Help.

I can't afford her!

T plus 36 hours

So yeah, it's been a day and a half since we cut Boogie off the boob, and all is well.

I was sort of dreading last night, thinking that she'd be begging for it, and then I'd have to get another bra smelling like vinegar, but as we were downstairs finishing up her oatmeal (goodness...oatmeal has become the bane of my mornings) she looked at me quite slyly and said:

"Mommy, chichi. Ouchie. Noni"

And gave me a kiss on the boob, then grabbed her Good Night Moon, pointed upstairs and said, "Go."

So, no requests. And we're doing okay. I'm a little uncomfortable, but a year ago, I would have been in agony going this long without nursing. And yay! I have pre-baby boobs right now! I don't know how long they will last, but I'm thinking of going to the beach or something if the weather gets above 65 this weekend.

And! She slept through the night. SHe was up for oatmeal, which is the next big hurdle to jump, but we're okay with the weaning. I don't feel too sad, more liberated than anuthing, and though I'll probably miss ir soon, I feel good that we lasted this long, and I'm glad she's okay giving it up too.

Month Twenty-One

Sweetpea, do you know what you have driven me to? Vinegar. On the goodies, capice? Last night, I decided that you've had run of the boobs long enough. For the last thirty months, you have controlled what I've eaten, drank, how much I slept, and when I can shower. But Love, no more.

I expected screaming, tears, pinching, kicking, a full-blown hissy when you realized no more chi-chi. But the truth? You didn't seem to mind much. I tried apple cider vinegar first, hoping not to shock to much more awake than you already were, but I guess it's on the sweeter end of the spectrum, and after an initial look of surprise, you kept on nursing. So then we went with red wine vinegar, and after one small tatse, you simply said "No chi-chi."

Then I told you that Mommy's chi-chi's had an ouchie, and no more milk, so you gave one a kiss, and asked for oatmeal. And that was the end of it.

Ohmigod.

I think we were both ready. You wanted to nurse for hours, presumably because you can't squeeze blood from a rock (but you don't know that yet) and after months of two to three times a day, there just wan't much left. The well has run dry, and Mommy is ready to get a tattoo.

So that was yesterday. The rest of the month? Talking. And jumpin. You had already started saying your two word combos a few months ago, mostly things like "Puppies, NO!" and "Agua, please" and "Mas chi-chi," and in the past week or so you've really started expanding your sentence repertoire. Now we her things like, "Mas cheese, please" and "You move aca" or "Please, oca (outside) coco (bird)." My favorite? "Sorry (sign language), no bite." Plus a kiss. How could I not forgive you for taking a chunk out of my shoulder?

And it takes me a minute to figure out what you are syaing sometimes, because Honey, you speak 3 different languages, plus throw in some signs and I'm just not on the up and up with everything that you know. I'm old, and slow, and you're just way too quick for me.

I also got you a chair booster, so you can sit at the table with us to eat. You had a pillow on a chiar for a few weeks, but kept sliding around, or getting stuck, and the pillow was nasty from the food dropping on it, so I figured this was the best way to go. It's fun, it traps your legs under the table and you can't push back from the table anymore to stand up and look out the window. Score!

You also went to your first wedding a few weeks ago, and had a blast chowing down, being passed from aunt to tio to cousin, playihgn with the kids, dancing "conga
like your Papa taught you on the bed, and finally passing out into a deep slumber hours past your normal bedtime. You were a hit, everyone talked about how well behaved you were, how adorable, and sweet, and even when you baurned your finger on a standing heater, you barely cried after we put a cold beer on it.

We're not bad parents, Jojo's friend was holding you when you got burned, and you kept trying to eat the ice we put on your finger first, and the only other available cold item was beer. It's called Make-Do Parenting.

In the store the other day, you were picking up Easter baskets and handign them out to the customers walking by in the store. You're getting over the stranger danger phase, though you are still a bit hesitant in new situations, you will now approach strangers, let people you haven't seen in a while hold you, and kiss random babies.

So my wish for you this month Angel, is that you always find a baby to kiss when you need one. It's such a lift, teh sweet smell, and innocent face. I hope you become someone to loves kids and isn't afraid to show your affection, because it'a appreciated by those aorund you.

I love you,
Mommy.

Hairless

P shaved his goatee and mustache off the other night. Ever since, Boogie has been saying "ouchie" whenever she sees him, and kisses his chin like he hurt himself.

Sappy Anniversary Blog

Yep, it's been six years, and I've sort of exhausted all those lovely "how we met" stories and "why I love him so much" raves.

Can you tell? It's a few days past the big day, and I'm just now getting around to writing about it. Our night was mediocre, we had dinner at a place with great food, but crappy service. He did buy me my favorite perfume, Issey Miyake, and bought himself the men's version because he knows I love it.

I guess after six years, it's the little things that make all the difference. It's the BBQ when I'm dying for smoking carcinogenic goodness, and staying up with me until 1am to watch a dumb movie when he's exhausted and has to work the next morning.

It's waking up at 3am to feed Boogie her oatmeal and put her back to sleep, so that I can get my 8 hours of (mostly) uninterrupted sleep.

It's agreeing to have another baby, although he dreads the idea of more sleepless nights, food battles, and early mornings. Because he knows nothing else in the world makes me as happy as seeing our beautiful baby girl.

After six years of marriage, we're still figuring things out. At 18, I had no idea that it would be this hard, that it would take this much work, that I could be completely miserable one night, and maniacally joyful the next morning.

But I am. We are. And I'm glad we chose each other to learn from.

Happy Belated Anniversary, Punkin.

On Friendship

Sometimes you grow apart as friends, and there is an awkward period while you redefine the relationship. If things go well, if we are okay with change, we come out on top with a relationship just as strong, or stronger, than the one we started with.

Some people start out not wanting to be friends, and somewhere along the road realize that we have a lot in common, that we can learn from each other, and grow into a natural comfort with each other.

And some other times, no matter how much you want it to work, it just doesn't. Some times we want different things. Sometimes I can't make the commitment to nurture another friendship, and sometimes I don't feel like I'm getting enough in return for the effort I'm expending. Often I feel like the one waiting to be granted admittance to this exclusive club, to become a friend, rather than just an acquaintance, but I'm not okay waiting anymore, so I give up and stop trying, and the friendship melts into a fond memory of the past.

Whatever path it takes, I'm learning to be okay with it, rather than fight for what I want, I'm trying to allow it to happen as it is meant to be. It's hard to let go of what I want, but sometimes it's not what's best for me.

Terible Two's in FULL EFFECT

Oh my Sweet Jesus. If I said 10 things to Boogie this morning, 8 were "NO!" Sprinkled of course with a few, "Don't play with that, please" and a "Where did you find that?"

Another phrase getting more and more common is "Don't climb on that [...] or else..." as in "Don't climb on that bookshelf or else you're going to fall and break your neck" or "Don't climb on that dog or else he's going to bite you again."

I'm exhausted. I think maybe it would be more bearable if it didn't start at 5am. After a 1:30 am alarm clock of "MAMA! OATMEAL!" And just for right now, I can't think of having two kids. Prayers are oozing out my brain that she'll be over this whole testing limits thing by the time I have another one. And that I'll learn a better way of handling it.

Which normally, I think I'm pretty patient, good at re-directing and finding things she can explore, rather than just saying NO to everyting. But it's hard to get ready in the morning and watch a toddler without any help. At. All.

But. I also know that I'm being tested right now, by both P and Boogie, and I need to stay firm, set limits, and redirect both of them to acceptable activities. It's short term, at least in the sense that this particular phase for both will end sometime, probably right when I get the hang of dealing with them, and then I'll be presented with a new challenge.

Such is life.

I'm off to research how to get this kid off the boob, and to sleep in later than 5:30am.

Just Like Papa

My husband has this weird thing about hair. If he finds one in his food at home, he'll dump the entire plate of food, instead of just scooping out the portion around it.

And then he'll serve himself more, and I don't exactly get it, because if he's so icked by hair (mine, or his, or the dogs') wouldn't the hair have infected the entire pot of food, and not just what was on his plate?

The thing that worries me is that lately Taryn has been having issues with hair too, mostly mine, but sometimes her own. In the bath, she sort-of starts freaking out if a hair is floating in her water, or gets stuck to her body. She does this "Eh-eh-eh" sound with the body part stuck out towards me until I find the offending hair and remove it from her sight.

She also does that in the car, if a hair is on her carseat she makes that same weird little sound and I have to figure out backwards in the rearview mirror where it is, and then get the bugger out the window.

Because if I drop it on the floor, or wipe it on my pants leg, she screams. A terrible, eardrum shattering screach and that banshee yell makes it physically impossible to drive, so not only and I frantically searching for the hair, I can't focus on where the car is heading. It's a recipe for disaster.

But I guess she hates peas too, which I blame on myself, so maybe the silver lining here is that she'll be plucking her own unibrow by 2nd grade, instead of me having to do it?

Weekend Update

Today I sneezed, and Taryn said "Bless You."

Well really, it was more like "beshhh booo" but I knew what she meant. What a smart girl.

And also, so now says picture, computer and okey-dokey.

She also won $12 playing Super Lotto on Saturday. More than I've ever won playing, so I hope she gets lucky and can fund her own college account because....

I'm officially addicted to Gymboree. At least the clearance racks. So FN adorable, I spent 2 weeks worth of grocery money on new clothes. So if Boogie and I *happen* to show up at your door around dinner time, now you know why.

Em. I think that's all. Except, whatever happened to the Weakest Link show? Replaced by 1 vs 100?