I can't seem to figure out what these people are thinking/feeling/reacting to. I feel like I have so much history with people that when I meet them again it's hard to figure out how they feel about seeing me again, and then at the same time they deny anything when I actually ask. I know there's got to be more to it, or else why are things so different with others?
Then there's the people I want to know, people I am seriously attracted to (as friends!) but I can't read them. I can't tell if it's all genuine or if it's politeness, and I'm sick or always thinking so much about all of it and not being able to sort things out. DAMN!
See, I'm a Gemini, and I can see and understand other people's opinions. And I'm forever second-guessing myself because I change my mind and my opinions by the second when something happpens and it's all just so much work and I don't want to mess it all up, but I can't not react..... And then there's the fact that I am forever changing my own mind about things, that I'm forever rearranging my prejudices, and rationalizing the thoughts that I have with what I should be doing, but am not.
In the end, it's not that I feel like I did something wrong, I just feel misunderstood because I'm not constant and I'm dying for consistency in others and I don't think they people I want to be around can handle that, but the people that can I don't want to spend time with. Any maybe it really comes down to just being the chase. And when I feel like I've got what I was looking for I lose interest. And if that's what it is, I'm sure people are feeling rejected or ignored or disrespected or conned or flat out pissed that I'm f-ing with their emotions .... if those are genuine too.
And God, are my own emotions anything more than whims? When I'm bored with what I have do I search for more? Do I crave attention and action and excitement so much that I'm willing ot hurt the people I love in order to be temporarily happy? Do I crave something different so much that I'd even hurt myself?
And how much will I regret these choices when I'm sick of change and wanting to go back to how things used to be?????
August 29, 2005
August 28, 2005
Hungover
Party Friday night was awesome. I invited some of my new friends from work to meet my old friends from before. People got along very well, some a little too well for my liking. We sent Gabe off, back to Iraq, but at least he had some fun before he's stuck in the desert again.
I got in another fricking arguement with A. He irritates me beyond all belief with his back-ass-wards ideas that women don't know squat and therefore should not speak. What a retard. He really things he's so intelligent, but can't have a conversation with anyone becasue he's always trying to be right. Every time I tried to say anything he's like: "Can you let me finish?"
HELL NO.
Trying to explain to anyone drunk that a conversation is two people talking to each other, not one person talking AT someone else is pretty much pointless, so I just walked away.
We all thought Miss L was passed out on the couch (sorry for dropping you, I had a bit too much to drink also) but I found out later that she heard the whole exchange between G and C while they were "getting to know each other" on my couch. So not impressed. I'm going to have to have a talk with her about screwing random people, not to tell her I think she's dirty, but more I don't want that mess spread around my house.
I think Sue-Bob and her hubby were a little turned off by the whole scene, since they are responsible parents and non-drinkers to boot, but hey, I'm glad they came and got to see how we do it.
My hand hurts and I need to finish cleaning. Hubby's back is all messed up from falling, but hopefully we'll have some pics posted soon...
I got in another fricking arguement with A. He irritates me beyond all belief with his back-ass-wards ideas that women don't know squat and therefore should not speak. What a retard. He really things he's so intelligent, but can't have a conversation with anyone becasue he's always trying to be right. Every time I tried to say anything he's like: "Can you let me finish?"
HELL NO.
Trying to explain to anyone drunk that a conversation is two people talking to each other, not one person talking AT someone else is pretty much pointless, so I just walked away.
We all thought Miss L was passed out on the couch (sorry for dropping you, I had a bit too much to drink also) but I found out later that she heard the whole exchange between G and C while they were "getting to know each other" on my couch. So not impressed. I'm going to have to have a talk with her about screwing random people, not to tell her I think she's dirty, but more I don't want that mess spread around my house.
I think Sue-Bob and her hubby were a little turned off by the whole scene, since they are responsible parents and non-drinkers to boot, but hey, I'm glad they came and got to see how we do it.
My hand hurts and I need to finish cleaning. Hubby's back is all messed up from falling, but hopefully we'll have some pics posted soon...
August 25, 2005
Swimming with Sharks
I had a dream last night that I got my first comment on this blog. The post was a video of me skydiving, and the comment was something along the lines of "Next time you try to shoot a moving post, focus on one thing because it makes me sick looking at that stream."
The cool thing in the dream was that after I read the comment and watched the video again, I was actually skydiving! More like flying really, because once I got to the groudd I looked forward a bit and started moving in that direction. I was soaring over the water, like that California Disney ride, and I wanted to dive in to the ocean soooooo bad, but everywhere I looked there were sharks. And I could see people surfing and swimming with all these sharks and they weren't getting eaten, but for some reason I could not possibly bring myself to dive into water full of sharks. I watched their fins slicing through teh water and kept thinking that maybe if I got far enough away they wouldn't be able to find me, but the further I flew, the more fins dotted the water below me.
Trippy. Wasn't until writing this post that I'm getting what the dream meant. Must be about the new job. Maybe the new leaf I keep promising to turn over and have been too scared to do so far...
The cool thing in the dream was that after I read the comment and watched the video again, I was actually skydiving! More like flying really, because once I got to the groudd I looked forward a bit and started moving in that direction. I was soaring over the water, like that California Disney ride, and I wanted to dive in to the ocean soooooo bad, but everywhere I looked there were sharks. And I could see people surfing and swimming with all these sharks and they weren't getting eaten, but for some reason I could not possibly bring myself to dive into water full of sharks. I watched their fins slicing through teh water and kept thinking that maybe if I got far enough away they wouldn't be able to find me, but the further I flew, the more fins dotted the water below me.
Trippy. Wasn't until writing this post that I'm getting what the dream meant. Must be about the new job. Maybe the new leaf I keep promising to turn over and have been too scared to do so far...
August 20, 2005
August 19, 2005
Rosco is Just the Cutest
Looking down the hall I can see him, snuggled up with his lamb-wool squeaky toy (which has lately been the object of his most animalistic desires.....must get him snipped) just watching me....not moving.
And I know that the second I shift my leg or look out the window, or make the slightest vocalization, he will come streaking down the hall (holding his toy no less, and therefore slightly hobbling in a gimpish sort of way, and on a diagonal path) and catapult himself onto my lap.
He may hit the keyboard tray, or the file cabinet on his way, but he may not.
He may be running so fast that he slides off my lap and drags down the wall, but he may not.
Chances are he'll jump two, maybe three times with the toy in his mouth, then sit on the floor next to my chair looking confused. It is worth it to sacrafice the toy to get some snuggles from mom? And as I watch his little brain tick, he in turn cocks his head to the side as if thinking from another angle.
And in a split second, he's made up his mind. he jumps on my lap, plants his two front paws on my chest and commences to clean any last remnant of dinner off my face. Maybe chews my hair a little bit, then lays down, rolls on his back, and blinks his googly little brown eyes at me waiting for some scratches.
He knows exactly how to make me forget he just crapped on my favorite red sandals from Brazil.....
And I know that the second I shift my leg or look out the window, or make the slightest vocalization, he will come streaking down the hall (holding his toy no less, and therefore slightly hobbling in a gimpish sort of way, and on a diagonal path) and catapult himself onto my lap.
He may hit the keyboard tray, or the file cabinet on his way, but he may not.
He may be running so fast that he slides off my lap and drags down the wall, but he may not.
Chances are he'll jump two, maybe three times with the toy in his mouth, then sit on the floor next to my chair looking confused. It is worth it to sacrafice the toy to get some snuggles from mom? And as I watch his little brain tick, he in turn cocks his head to the side as if thinking from another angle.
And in a split second, he's made up his mind. he jumps on my lap, plants his two front paws on my chest and commences to clean any last remnant of dinner off my face. Maybe chews my hair a little bit, then lays down, rolls on his back, and blinks his googly little brown eyes at me waiting for some scratches.
He knows exactly how to make me forget he just crapped on my favorite red sandals from Brazil.....
August 17, 2005
My Rant for the Day
My father and his wife just moved to Roseville, and all he did was sent me an email to let me know the new address.
WTF kind of father does that? Maybe I should just give up on trying to maintain a relationship with him, he's hopeless. After 22 years he can't figure out how to be a decent father to me, though I'm thankful that he is better with my sisters.
Ok. I can't get worked up over this. Let go and let God.
WTF kind of father does that? Maybe I should just give up on trying to maintain a relationship with him, he's hopeless. After 22 years he can't figure out how to be a decent father to me, though I'm thankful that he is better with my sisters.
Ok. I can't get worked up over this. Let go and let God.
August 14, 2005
Blackberry Picking
So Punkin decided today that he wants a blackberry pie, made fresh by ... your's truly.
I tried to convince him that wasn't possible, considering I needed to wash my hair tonight, but he insisted and refused to eat another thing until I made it. Not that he's a skinny guy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I worry that he's going to have food issues one day, since I can't cook to save my life. He is Latino after all.
I did go berry picking today, with the assistance of my lovely mom who is the most gung-ho, die-hard berry picker I've met. We stocked up her car with plastic chairs (to reach the high-up ones), a cardboard box (to lay across the thorns so you can lean into the bushes to reach the ones further in) and not 1, not 2, but THREE plastic bags to carry them in.
But then I got hungry, so after about 1 hour of picking we ditched the thorns and went to In-N-Out.
And Punkin always eats burgers, so I'm off the hook until tomorrow.
I tried to convince him that wasn't possible, considering I needed to wash my hair tonight, but he insisted and refused to eat another thing until I made it. Not that he's a skinny guy, by any stretch of the imagination, but I worry that he's going to have food issues one day, since I can't cook to save my life. He is Latino after all.
I did go berry picking today, with the assistance of my lovely mom who is the most gung-ho, die-hard berry picker I've met. We stocked up her car with plastic chairs (to reach the high-up ones), a cardboard box (to lay across the thorns so you can lean into the bushes to reach the ones further in) and not 1, not 2, but THREE plastic bags to carry them in.
But then I got hungry, so after about 1 hour of picking we ditched the thorns and went to In-N-Out.
And Punkin always eats burgers, so I'm off the hook until tomorrow.
August 13, 2005
BTW, I decided on a new car
Beautiful, ain't she? I figure that now that *we* decided to wait on the babies, I can treat myself to a fabulous ride...next year. After I payy off the Christmas debt again...
Budgeting Sucks
I found a really awesome bedroom set that I want to buy at a huge discount, but Punkin said no. Evidently he thinks I should pay off my current credit cards before I start charging again. I always thought I was the rational, logical, money-wise person in this marriage, but I guess when it comes to furniture I become just a tad irrational. But it's 50% off, and made of solid wood, and the bed is low enough that the puppies can jump up and down without shredding the sheets with their nails holding on for dear life and trying to crawl up two mattresses and a bed frame.
*sigh*
It really is beautiful. So I'm trying to pay off my debt (now less than $4k (not including school loans, or course)) before Christmas so I can buy the set before I spend another $4k on Christmas presents this year. It's a vicious cycle, yes it is.
I've come up with a budget that works, thanks to this awesome new job, and I'll be debt-free by December 1st! Yay for me! That extra $600 per month sure does a body good, and my house will FINALLY have painted walls, furniture not bought off craigslist.org, and I can fix the kickers that the puppies chewed to hell last month. Oh, and fix the hole in the wall in the laundry room where they tried to dig a tunnel to freedom. Little fuckers. This house is only 1 year old, and I'm having to replace, patch, repaint and wallpaper already.
Having kids will probably be hell too...
*sigh*
It really is beautiful. So I'm trying to pay off my debt (now less than $4k (not including school loans, or course)) before Christmas so I can buy the set before I spend another $4k on Christmas presents this year. It's a vicious cycle, yes it is.
I've come up with a budget that works, thanks to this awesome new job, and I'll be debt-free by December 1st! Yay for me! That extra $600 per month sure does a body good, and my house will FINALLY have painted walls, furniture not bought off craigslist.org, and I can fix the kickers that the puppies chewed to hell last month. Oh, and fix the hole in the wall in the laundry room where they tried to dig a tunnel to freedom. Little fuckers. This house is only 1 year old, and I'm having to replace, patch, repaint and wallpaper already.
Having kids will probably be hell too...
August 10, 2005
This is not going well....
Big aspirations for having a blog, but I'm too damn lazy to write. Aside from the fact I'm too damn boring to have any stories (maybe just unimaginative) and even if I had a good story, I'm too damn shy to post it, which would then assume that someone actually reads this, which they do not.
I have found, however, after perusing various other blogs, some quite famous, others more popular with local crowds, that in order to be even slightly amusing, one must be either:
1) completely and utterly neurotic
2) severely depressed or
3) an alcoholic.
Then of course, I wonder, why in the hell is my blog so sucky when I have at least 2 out of three of those? Maybe the wrong combination? A depressed alcoholic is hardly amusing, but then again neither is a depressed neurotic....
So, I can't post about my job (read dooce.com).
I'll have some ideas soon.
I have found, however, after perusing various other blogs, some quite famous, others more popular with local crowds, that in order to be even slightly amusing, one must be either:
1) completely and utterly neurotic
2) severely depressed or
3) an alcoholic.
Then of course, I wonder, why in the hell is my blog so sucky when I have at least 2 out of three of those? Maybe the wrong combination? A depressed alcoholic is hardly amusing, but then again neither is a depressed neurotic....
So, I can't post about my job (read dooce.com).
I'll have some ideas soon.
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