Sometimes, when I file my cases in my big desk drawer, if two clients filed next to each other happen to be around the same age, I picture how they might be as a couple.
Weird, huh?
I remember when I was younger, on long road trips or when the car was particularly quiet, I would gaze out the window and imagine what people's lives were like, from the type of car and its occupants. If there were kids, I'd imagine what they did in school, if their parents were married or not, and maybe what type of dog they might have.
And the summer I spent in Japan, when it was too hot and humid outside to play, I would make dolls out of paper. My mom had bought me a box of colored paper, markers, and a pair of scissors. I spent hours making dolls, different outfits, pets, houses, anything I could think of and figure out how to make a 2D versioon of it. Literally hours.
I never really considered myself a creative person in the traditional sense. I appreciate art, literature, music, all those things that artists do, but mine has been locked up in my head my entire life. I have such a hard time getting ideas out of my head, speaking can be a lesson in patience for anyone I am trying to teach, and my drawings are lifeless. I don't know how writing became my mode of expression, it just happened to be the easiest way to empty my brain so that I could fill it with new fantasies.
And I really do fantasize about everything. On sleepless nights I pick out paint colors for my house, or design scrapbook pages for Boogie. But it's all mental, and again, rarely translates well to real life, but it's an escape. And it feels more productive than worrying. When I was pregnant, I used to imagine taking Boogie for trips, how I would pack her diaper bag, strap her into her carseat, sing while we were on the road, and even imagine the feel of pushing her stroller. It was so different than my dreams when I finally got to do it, but I can get lost in fantasy so easily, losing hours dreaming of random events and meetings, decorating. Nuts, huh?
October 24, 2007
October 23, 2007
Hating Is Easy
It took me a lot of years to get over the fact that some people will never like me. And it doesn't bother me so much except...
1) I always thought I had some miracle Power of Persuasion, and that by just being me, people would agree with what I said, and do what I suggested. Hence, the degree in Psychology. But the older I get, the more clear it has become that people only hear what they want to hear. And even if you have air-tight logic, your words will always be spun to suit their course of action, or be used as a basis for going against sound advice.
This might seem out of left field, but I have been so naive about people, it hurts me to see the time and energy I have wasted on trying to be friends with bad people, or trying to maintain my good name with people who don't give two shits about me. All because I assummed that people would see past their initial perceptions of me and see that I am a genuinely good person, albeit one with a wicked temper, but my intentions are good. And to me that's what really matters.
So then the other thing is that 2) I have this burning desire to be understood. And it's something I've blogged about before. I don't know where it comes from, and I don't know how to let go, but I can't understand when people can't see my point of view (see #1 above) and so I keep pushing, and pushing for comprehension, and it just doesn't seem to be flowing lately. I don't care if we disagree, as long as you can honestly say you understand my view and still hold your own. But I'm noticing that most people can't say that. Most people listen in order to respond, not to understand.
And that irks me. Maybe as a Gemini I am more apt to see different viewpoints at once, be able to hold them, mull them over, and then make a desicion on how I feel about an issue after after absorbing the information presented to me. But I don't see that in many poeple. And maybe that's why I feel more fragile than others, because I don't have hard and true set beliefs about many things. And maybe its this fragility that makes me so upset when people don't like me.
Wait. I don't mean that, because if someone doesn't like me, that's fine. As long as it's for a good reason. The thing I can't stand more than anything else right now is when people dislike me for BS reasons. Like they heard something from someone else which isn't exactly true, but they take it as gospel. Or I remind them of something terrible about themselves, or some evil person they know, and the time is never taken to get to know me as a person. Or we have a disagreement and you're being too pig-headed to listen to my side of the arguement, and now you're pissed off because I want you to understand me, and you have no desire. So now you avoid me.
And in that last situation, I can see that maybe it's annoying to have someone try to explain an opinion that you don't agree with, but isn't that sort of the whole point in a disagreement? To understand what the other person is saying, and then decide whether or not to agree? But maybe that's Idiot's Logic. Maybe in your mind, in so many people's minds, the purpose of an arguement is to convince the other person to agree with you, in which case, yes, you're right. I am annoying. But I also don't want to go through life trying to convince people to see my way, instead of trying to understand their ideas.
It must be lonely to be you.
But really, my point today is that if you aren't going to be my friend, push me away for a good reason, not a narcissistic one. Hate me because 10 years ago I stole your boyfriend, not because you're ashamed of your actions, or I was honest with you and damaged your ego. Don't hold my physical appearance against me until we've spoken. If you still don't like me after a conversation, fine. But don't waste your time hating someone you don't know, for a reason that has nothing to do with you. It's not fair for either of us.
1) I always thought I had some miracle Power of Persuasion, and that by just being me, people would agree with what I said, and do what I suggested. Hence, the degree in Psychology. But the older I get, the more clear it has become that people only hear what they want to hear. And even if you have air-tight logic, your words will always be spun to suit their course of action, or be used as a basis for going against sound advice.
This might seem out of left field, but I have been so naive about people, it hurts me to see the time and energy I have wasted on trying to be friends with bad people, or trying to maintain my good name with people who don't give two shits about me. All because I assummed that people would see past their initial perceptions of me and see that I am a genuinely good person, albeit one with a wicked temper, but my intentions are good. And to me that's what really matters.
So then the other thing is that 2) I have this burning desire to be understood. And it's something I've blogged about before. I don't know where it comes from, and I don't know how to let go, but I can't understand when people can't see my point of view (see #1 above) and so I keep pushing, and pushing for comprehension, and it just doesn't seem to be flowing lately. I don't care if we disagree, as long as you can honestly say you understand my view and still hold your own. But I'm noticing that most people can't say that. Most people listen in order to respond, not to understand.
And that irks me. Maybe as a Gemini I am more apt to see different viewpoints at once, be able to hold them, mull them over, and then make a desicion on how I feel about an issue after after absorbing the information presented to me. But I don't see that in many poeple. And maybe that's why I feel more fragile than others, because I don't have hard and true set beliefs about many things. And maybe its this fragility that makes me so upset when people don't like me.
Wait. I don't mean that, because if someone doesn't like me, that's fine. As long as it's for a good reason. The thing I can't stand more than anything else right now is when people dislike me for BS reasons. Like they heard something from someone else which isn't exactly true, but they take it as gospel. Or I remind them of something terrible about themselves, or some evil person they know, and the time is never taken to get to know me as a person. Or we have a disagreement and you're being too pig-headed to listen to my side of the arguement, and now you're pissed off because I want you to understand me, and you have no desire. So now you avoid me.
And in that last situation, I can see that maybe it's annoying to have someone try to explain an opinion that you don't agree with, but isn't that sort of the whole point in a disagreement? To understand what the other person is saying, and then decide whether or not to agree? But maybe that's Idiot's Logic. Maybe in your mind, in so many people's minds, the purpose of an arguement is to convince the other person to agree with you, in which case, yes, you're right. I am annoying. But I also don't want to go through life trying to convince people to see my way, instead of trying to understand their ideas.
It must be lonely to be you.
But really, my point today is that if you aren't going to be my friend, push me away for a good reason, not a narcissistic one. Hate me because 10 years ago I stole your boyfriend, not because you're ashamed of your actions, or I was honest with you and damaged your ego. Don't hold my physical appearance against me until we've spoken. If you still don't like me after a conversation, fine. But don't waste your time hating someone you don't know, for a reason that has nothing to do with you. It's not fair for either of us.
October 21, 2007
October 20, 2007
Month Sixteen
Today you turned 16 months old, a rode in the car facing forward for the first time! I doubt you are 20lbs yet, but must only be a few ounces off, and I figured you won't be taking too many trips until you hit that mark so why change it in a few weeks? It was fun too, you looked around like you've never been out of the house before, and were cracking up at everything you saw fly by outside the window. I was really more worried that you'd start to be bow-legged if we kept you rear-facing much longer, you are already very tall and couldn't straighten your legs out in the back anymore.
You've done much better weight-wise this month too, gaining over 7 ounces even though a rough bout of canine-teething. The sleep has not been great, the family has been stressed, but we're making it through. You've been able to spend a lot more time with your papa the last couple weeks too, unfortunately due to crappy circumstances, but I love seeing how you two have forged such a closer bond already. Now, when I come in the house you fuss when I take you out of his arms, and the only time you want me to be nearby is when you get hurt, or are hungry. I'm happy for what I can get.
The best thing has got to be your Halloween costume though. We decided a chicken would be perfect, and took you to Sears to get some photos taken. The first one was the best, and although it went downhill from there (I think you got a touch over-heated with the hood, performance fleece, and feathers), you are always such an engaging little girl, playing with complete strangers' children, making babies laugh, and putting a smile on the faces of grumpy workers everywhere. So my wish for you this month is that you don't let the negative attitudes of other people affect your naturally rosy glasses. Life will be so much more pleasant for you if you can block out other people sometimes.
So really, this month has been slow. You've been to the doctor a few times, for a flu shot, to get weighed, and to see a nutritionist because you are built like me. Nothing special. I don't recall any new words you've learned, though your sign language skills are crazy. You can say "more please" or "food please" we're working on "thank you" but you also do the sign for please on me if I say "Mama please." I don't think I will ever understand how you got so smart so quickly.
The only drawback, you aren't exactly biligual... I try to speak to you in English, and I think between Johana and your Papa, you're picking up a lot more Spanish. It's exactly what we were hoping for, you'll have enough time to learn English in school, but sometimes I'll ask you to do something, and you look at me like I'm nuts until I repeat it in Spanish. I guess I am, sometimes. But you speak English, which is funny, except maybe we just don't understand when something is said in Spanish?
Oh! How could I forget? You've started eating red pasta sauce! For a little while, when you refused to touch lasagna, or spaghetti, I thought maybe I brought the wrong baby home from the hospital. But yes, spaghetti, garlic bread and tuna are the new favorite foods, and I'm confident again you are my baby.
I love you Boogie.
Mama
You've done much better weight-wise this month too, gaining over 7 ounces even though a rough bout of canine-teething. The sleep has not been great, the family has been stressed, but we're making it through. You've been able to spend a lot more time with your papa the last couple weeks too, unfortunately due to crappy circumstances, but I love seeing how you two have forged such a closer bond already. Now, when I come in the house you fuss when I take you out of his arms, and the only time you want me to be nearby is when you get hurt, or are hungry. I'm happy for what I can get.
The best thing has got to be your Halloween costume though. We decided a chicken would be perfect, and took you to Sears to get some photos taken. The first one was the best, and although it went downhill from there (I think you got a touch over-heated with the hood, performance fleece, and feathers), you are always such an engaging little girl, playing with complete strangers' children, making babies laugh, and putting a smile on the faces of grumpy workers everywhere. So my wish for you this month is that you don't let the negative attitudes of other people affect your naturally rosy glasses. Life will be so much more pleasant for you if you can block out other people sometimes.
So really, this month has been slow. You've been to the doctor a few times, for a flu shot, to get weighed, and to see a nutritionist because you are built like me. Nothing special. I don't recall any new words you've learned, though your sign language skills are crazy. You can say "more please" or "food please" we're working on "thank you" but you also do the sign for please on me if I say "Mama please." I don't think I will ever understand how you got so smart so quickly.
The only drawback, you aren't exactly biligual... I try to speak to you in English, and I think between Johana and your Papa, you're picking up a lot more Spanish. It's exactly what we were hoping for, you'll have enough time to learn English in school, but sometimes I'll ask you to do something, and you look at me like I'm nuts until I repeat it in Spanish. I guess I am, sometimes. But you speak English, which is funny, except maybe we just don't understand when something is said in Spanish?
Oh! How could I forget? You've started eating red pasta sauce! For a little while, when you refused to touch lasagna, or spaghetti, I thought maybe I brought the wrong baby home from the hospital. But yes, spaghetti, garlic bread and tuna are the new favorite foods, and I'm confident again you are my baby.
I love you Boogie.
Mama
October 16, 2007
Shoe Presents
Taryn had a rough time last night, she was up almost every hour screaming in agony from her God-forsaken canines that haven't cut after two weeks of misery. She's also going through a growth spurt which is aggravating the whole issue because she's ravenous 24 hours a day, but she doesn't want to chew on her tender gums.
Last night around 3am it all came to head. P and I were frustrated and snapping at each other because Motrin, teething tablets, snuggles, bottles, nothing was helping her to calm down and sleep, the dogs were whining for their bones and we were both already exhausted from a long, busy weekend.
So waking up this morning I felt like I needed a little bit of sexy to get me through the day. I decided to go professional at work today, and do the under-wraps-make-me-feel-better tricks, you know, the matching black lace and knee-high boots.
*wink wink*
But when I got out to the car, I felt something weird going on with my boots. I thought at first maybe my socks just bunched up at the toe, but I wasn't wearing bunch-able socks. And then I freaked because I thought "Holy Shit! What if there is a tarantula hiding out in the toe of my shoe? I'm going to get bit and die, becasue nobody wakes up this early in the morning to go to work, and by the time the 8am crowd comes out, I'll be dead..."
So in my usual Lady-like fashion, I stuck my leg out the side of my car at the stop light, unzipped my boot and tipped it upside-down.
And out tumbled about seven raisins.
At first I didn't know what they were, I thought maybe a giant rat had pooped in my shoe, but I figured I would have seen it, if that were the case. So I opened the door and picked one up, and a manical laugh escaped my angry, pursed lips.
This is exactly the reason I love being a Mama.
When I'm angry and frustrated and tired, Boogie can always make me smile. Even while she's miles away in a deep sleep while I'm cold and tired on my way to work, she brightens my day and gives me something to smile at.
Last night around 3am it all came to head. P and I were frustrated and snapping at each other because Motrin, teething tablets, snuggles, bottles, nothing was helping her to calm down and sleep, the dogs were whining for their bones and we were both already exhausted from a long, busy weekend.
So waking up this morning I felt like I needed a little bit of sexy to get me through the day. I decided to go professional at work today, and do the under-wraps-make-me-feel-better tricks, you know, the matching black lace and knee-high boots.
*wink wink*
But when I got out to the car, I felt something weird going on with my boots. I thought at first maybe my socks just bunched up at the toe, but I wasn't wearing bunch-able socks. And then I freaked because I thought "Holy Shit! What if there is a tarantula hiding out in the toe of my shoe? I'm going to get bit and die, becasue nobody wakes up this early in the morning to go to work, and by the time the 8am crowd comes out, I'll be dead..."
So in my usual Lady-like fashion, I stuck my leg out the side of my car at the stop light, unzipped my boot and tipped it upside-down.
And out tumbled about seven raisins.
At first I didn't know what they were, I thought maybe a giant rat had pooped in my shoe, but I figured I would have seen it, if that were the case. So I opened the door and picked one up, and a manical laugh escaped my angry, pursed lips.
This is exactly the reason I love being a Mama.
When I'm angry and frustrated and tired, Boogie can always make me smile. Even while she's miles away in a deep sleep while I'm cold and tired on my way to work, she brightens my day and gives me something to smile at.
October 11, 2007
Completely KaPut
Since my phone met with a sugary, watery end a couple weeks ago, I've been trying desperately to revive it, but to no long-lasting avail. This was the first, and last, phone that I ever paid for. And I'm not talking the $29.99 after rebate. This POS cost me like $99, and didn't even last a year. FN-PO-Cingular-S!
I thought I'd be smart and just change out the SIM card, so P went and found me a Blackberry, but failed to mention after my crazy-woman excitement that it was a T-Mobil phone. DOH!
Then I borrowed one from La Fricy but I didn't copy my numbers to the SIM, and I'm just slow with new phones, aside from the fact that every time I look at it, it makes some funny sound, so I chucked it back in my bag in case of an emergency since I could receive calls on my phone, I just couldn't make any.
On the recommendation of a nerdy friend of mine, I wrapped it up in a sock and a kitchen towel, rubberbanded the sucker tight, and threw it in the dryer for 35 minutes. It was supposed to dry out the yucky, and I got a few extra days out of the up/down part of the keypad, but now, it's utterly, and finally dead.
My only hope now is that I can revive it one last time for a couple of minutes so that I can copy my phone book onto the SIM. Otherwise, I'm screwed.
I thought I'd be smart and just change out the SIM card, so P went and found me a Blackberry, but failed to mention after my crazy-woman excitement that it was a T-Mobil phone. DOH!
Then I borrowed one from La Fricy but I didn't copy my numbers to the SIM, and I'm just slow with new phones, aside from the fact that every time I look at it, it makes some funny sound, so I chucked it back in my bag in case of an emergency since I could receive calls on my phone, I just couldn't make any.
On the recommendation of a nerdy friend of mine, I wrapped it up in a sock and a kitchen towel, rubberbanded the sucker tight, and threw it in the dryer for 35 minutes. It was supposed to dry out the yucky, and I got a few extra days out of the up/down part of the keypad, but now, it's utterly, and finally dead.
My only hope now is that I can revive it one last time for a couple of minutes so that I can copy my phone book onto the SIM. Otherwise, I'm screwed.
October 8, 2007
How Soon is Too Soon for Christmas?
Driving to work this morning, the fog hovering over the edge of a near mountain, I started to imagine my drive to work as the Winter chill gets deeper. For some reason, lights look brighter to me, the rain makes everything sparkle, and everything reminds me that it is the Christmas season.
It's probably psychological, but there are some things I don't notice until after Thanksgiving, like when you are on 101 South, just past Northgate on a dark evening, the rows of head- and brake lights look like strings of decoration I'd hang on my Christmas tree. And the rain smells sweeter than it does in the Summer. The air is crisp, not freezing like in the Fall, but clear and it sharpens the appearance of the leaves on trees.
I was wishing this morning that I had a Christmas CD to pop on. I'm one of "those people" who gets excited that right after Halloween they start the jolly-jingles that loop over the intercom at department stores. If my husband would allow it, I'd buy a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving and keep it up until Valentine's Day. I bake full-fat cookies, and hand them out to neighbors, co-workers, and maybe this year the postman too. I love buying gifts, spending hours deciding in the perfect present, then come home, fill a glass with wine, and spend twice as long wrapping them up. I love to cuddle under a blanket with the smell of soup on the stove, the patter of rain outside, and a hot cup of chocolate nestled in my hands.
There is something so sweet and magical about Winter, and Christmas really is my favorite holiday. I hate how people turn it into a stressful, competitive time, worrying they are not buying enough, not spending enough. I've had so many broke Christmases, and I feel grateful for that because I feel like I can appreciate the Holidays for what they are meant to be. A time to spend with family and friends, and just be together enjoying each others' company. I incorporate Jesus into mine, but I don't think that's requisite.
Anyway, I think I'm going to start early this year, because I plan on doing all gifts homemade. At least for the adults. Big plans folks. I'm stoked. Taryn will love the lights and such, opening her gifts, eating all the yummy food, and especially beign with family.
It's probably psychological, but there are some things I don't notice until after Thanksgiving, like when you are on 101 South, just past Northgate on a dark evening, the rows of head- and brake lights look like strings of decoration I'd hang on my Christmas tree. And the rain smells sweeter than it does in the Summer. The air is crisp, not freezing like in the Fall, but clear and it sharpens the appearance of the leaves on trees.
I was wishing this morning that I had a Christmas CD to pop on. I'm one of "those people" who gets excited that right after Halloween they start the jolly-jingles that loop over the intercom at department stores. If my husband would allow it, I'd buy a Christmas tree before Thanksgiving and keep it up until Valentine's Day. I bake full-fat cookies, and hand them out to neighbors, co-workers, and maybe this year the postman too. I love buying gifts, spending hours deciding in the perfect present, then come home, fill a glass with wine, and spend twice as long wrapping them up. I love to cuddle under a blanket with the smell of soup on the stove, the patter of rain outside, and a hot cup of chocolate nestled in my hands.
There is something so sweet and magical about Winter, and Christmas really is my favorite holiday. I hate how people turn it into a stressful, competitive time, worrying they are not buying enough, not spending enough. I've had so many broke Christmases, and I feel grateful for that because I feel like I can appreciate the Holidays for what they are meant to be. A time to spend with family and friends, and just be together enjoying each others' company. I incorporate Jesus into mine, but I don't think that's requisite.
Anyway, I think I'm going to start early this year, because I plan on doing all gifts homemade. At least for the adults. Big plans folks. I'm stoked. Taryn will love the lights and such, opening her gifts, eating all the yummy food, and especially beign with family.
October 5, 2007
FWD: Talking ISH
It's been a hard week. I've been auper-busy at work, which I love because time passes so much more quickly, and I get to see my angel before, during, and after the mad rush of other people's emergencies that I have been innundated with.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog thing. There were some disparaging comments recently about how awful anonymity is on the internet. I seem to have read quite a few articles, even in Time magazine, about the evil side that pops out of people, the fake myspace pages, the kiddy-predators and the cyber-bullying, all behind a cloak of secrecy.
I don't mind anonymous. I think some people need it to speak their minds and say what they really feel, and in many situations they are justifiably worried about the repercussions of claiming up to their own opinions and actions. All I can on that is that many times it is not the anonymous person's fault they have to be that way. People are too sensitive, too guarded, and their past reactions are what cause people to be cautious around them.
But I am a bit worried about the other facet of the internet, and that is the complete lack of privacy between folks. I know, I know, who the hell am I to speak on this, right?
The difference between me and what I am about to bitch about, is that I'll rant about how I am affected by things. I'll share my internal dialogue with the world, and I may include other people in it, but it is not to be stricktly spiteful.
Usually.
I'm paranoid about emailing anything. I'm paranoid that if I tell someone how much of an asshole they are, they'll always have physical proof of it. Or if I tell someone how much I appreciate the ear they lent before when I was going through a rough time, I don't want anyone to know what a sap I am. I'm getting better about being comfortable with my emotions, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with other people knowing those deepest ones.
It seems to me lately that there have been a lot of spreading of personal correspondence lately. And I don't know why I see this differently than blogging, but I do. I'm uncomfortable with the thought that I tell someone something very personal, and it may be forwarded to my entire internet-accessible family.
I don't want to look dumb, without my own doing. And I don't want people to discuss me behind my back without my knowing. I know it happens, and I do it too. But I try to edit my dialogue to what I would say if they were sitting in front of me. Unless I don't like you, I don't want to be the one talking shit behind your back. I pride myself in being open and honest and forthcoming when something is bothering me, but this situation feels a little passive-agressive. It's almost like my mind is being pressured to think the way theirs does, and they are sending me proof of why I should think like that.
I'm rambling. This has been bouncing around my brain all week, and I'm bothered because I know some people see my blogging in the same light, but I feel like this is okay since my intention is to process for myself..... But maybe I'm just making excuses and trying to distance myself from what I know is wrong?
I don't know.
I've been thinking a lot about this blog thing. There were some disparaging comments recently about how awful anonymity is on the internet. I seem to have read quite a few articles, even in Time magazine, about the evil side that pops out of people, the fake myspace pages, the kiddy-predators and the cyber-bullying, all behind a cloak of secrecy.
I don't mind anonymous. I think some people need it to speak their minds and say what they really feel, and in many situations they are justifiably worried about the repercussions of claiming up to their own opinions and actions. All I can on that is that many times it is not the anonymous person's fault they have to be that way. People are too sensitive, too guarded, and their past reactions are what cause people to be cautious around them.
But I am a bit worried about the other facet of the internet, and that is the complete lack of privacy between folks. I know, I know, who the hell am I to speak on this, right?
The difference between me and what I am about to bitch about, is that I'll rant about how I am affected by things. I'll share my internal dialogue with the world, and I may include other people in it, but it is not to be stricktly spiteful.
Usually.
I'm paranoid about emailing anything. I'm paranoid that if I tell someone how much of an asshole they are, they'll always have physical proof of it. Or if I tell someone how much I appreciate the ear they lent before when I was going through a rough time, I don't want anyone to know what a sap I am. I'm getting better about being comfortable with my emotions, but I'm still not entirely comfortable with other people knowing those deepest ones.
It seems to me lately that there have been a lot of spreading of personal correspondence lately. And I don't know why I see this differently than blogging, but I do. I'm uncomfortable with the thought that I tell someone something very personal, and it may be forwarded to my entire internet-accessible family.
I don't want to look dumb, without my own doing. And I don't want people to discuss me behind my back without my knowing. I know it happens, and I do it too. But I try to edit my dialogue to what I would say if they were sitting in front of me. Unless I don't like you, I don't want to be the one talking shit behind your back. I pride myself in being open and honest and forthcoming when something is bothering me, but this situation feels a little passive-agressive. It's almost like my mind is being pressured to think the way theirs does, and they are sending me proof of why I should think like that.
I'm rambling. This has been bouncing around my brain all week, and I'm bothered because I know some people see my blogging in the same light, but I feel like this is okay since my intention is to process for myself..... But maybe I'm just making excuses and trying to distance myself from what I know is wrong?
I don't know.
October 2, 2007
Baby Ache
I don't know what has possessed me the last week or so, but I feel like I'm having baby withdrawals! Taryn has grown in the last month to such an incredible little girl, I can't wait to get pregnant again and be in awe twice as much as I am now.
Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that I'm surrounded by pregnant people at work, and most of my friends are parents now. But I miss being pregnant. I know it annoyed people that I always had a hand on my belly, but feeling her kick was the most amazingly-odd sensation, I didn't want to miss a single one.
And granted, it wasn't all fun and bubbles, especially the birth and sleepless nights, but I was so grateful to be blessed with the ability to conceive and carry my own baby... it may sound weird to some folks, but I seriously considered being a surrogate, just to be pregnant again. And do a good deed. If I could be pregnant and skip over the birth part, I may be more inclined, but I also would have to find the right family, and it's slim picking when you aren't looking.
I guess that now that we've decided to try again next year, I want to stay in the moment and enjoy every second of Taryn being a toddler, but I think I'll love being pregnant and taking her to the park, as tired as I'm sure I will be this time we'll have more help, and I can listen to my body more instead of pushing to do everything all the time.
It just makes me smile, hoping and dreaming about the future. I'm really grateful for the escape.
Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that I'm surrounded by pregnant people at work, and most of my friends are parents now. But I miss being pregnant. I know it annoyed people that I always had a hand on my belly, but feeling her kick was the most amazingly-odd sensation, I didn't want to miss a single one.
And granted, it wasn't all fun and bubbles, especially the birth and sleepless nights, but I was so grateful to be blessed with the ability to conceive and carry my own baby... it may sound weird to some folks, but I seriously considered being a surrogate, just to be pregnant again. And do a good deed. If I could be pregnant and skip over the birth part, I may be more inclined, but I also would have to find the right family, and it's slim picking when you aren't looking.
I guess that now that we've decided to try again next year, I want to stay in the moment and enjoy every second of Taryn being a toddler, but I think I'll love being pregnant and taking her to the park, as tired as I'm sure I will be this time we'll have more help, and I can listen to my body more instead of pushing to do everything all the time.
It just makes me smile, hoping and dreaming about the future. I'm really grateful for the escape.
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