I've been trying to keep things positive, and for the most part I've been okay with the day to days lately. No real depression, no crying jags, but I've been having this entirely unavoidable unease lately. What is coming? I can't imagine anything worse than the horrors of the last couple months. Those haunting images that creep up unannounced and make me want to sit in a corner and bang my head on the wall, either to knock them to some other place, or to knock myself there. My heart still aches daily with grief and regret.
I have been keeping up on the letters, and probably this coming week I'll post them all in a row. Has it been three months already? There they sit, a reminder that I don't want to mix my pride and joy with the ugliness of the world. I don't want to post about the beautiful girls I've been blessed with between eulogies, fearing that somehow the pain might seep into our bubble.
And on the homefront... I'm not even going to go there. Things are in the works. Marriage might be okay, but who knows? One day we're great, the next I can't figure out who fucked it up. I want normalcy. I don't need anything exciting or new experiences. I just want my life on a level line. I'm sick of the undulations, the waves of euphoria crashing into anxiety and depression. I don't feel like my body can handle the altitude changes, as this viral infection has shown me. I'm breaking down, and at the same time I still feel like I'm building it all up. Is this what life is supposed to be like?
Everything around me crashes down, and I feel as solid as ever. Confused... shocked... powerful... where is this taking me?
September 20, 2009
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