Loss

I know as I get older I will see more and more classmates passing away. It is an inevitability of aging, but if each loss is going to be as painful to bear as the last, I'm not quite sure how one manages.

She is the first to go, as far as I am aware, and the tragic nature of it, the fact that we had so much in common, and daughters around the same age, it puts life in perspective. I had planned on blogging today about not putting your life on hold, not waiting for the 'right time' or 'your time' to live, but I'm in shock about the whole thing.

And I'm furious that her daughter's father is a freaking shmuck, that poor 16 month old girl is basically an orphan because her father will never step up and take care of her.

I'm heartbroken and depressed and angry, but grateful her baby girl is okay. I know she'll be taken care of, but I panic thinking of leaving Taryn before my time. One small mistake and it's over. There is no restart in life. This, right here, is all we have. We lost a classmare and a friend, Angela gained a guardian angel.

Rest in Peace, Liz.

Month Twenty-Six

Girl, if there terrible-twos are about testing limits, we have jumped in head first! This month has been full of surprises, demands, hissy-fits, tears and hugs. Your pushing it, and I'm proud of you for asserting your independence in a little 2'9" 24lb body, but ... I'm tired.

The roller coaster started with more obvious food preferences, no more oatmeal or quesadillas (which you had been living off of for many months) and all of a sudden you are actually asking for certain foods, which is awesome, except when you only wanted to eat blackberries for days. Because Love, you will see if you have your own children, blackberry-filled diapers are no joke.

Then the teething kicked in again, and the bottom two second molars were a breeze, but the top two knocked your socks off, and you went from Ms. Independent to Ms. I-Need-You-Mama-More-Ice-Please. And I struggle so much with being available and making sure that you always know you can count on me, but on the other hand I don't want you to become so dependent that you cry whenever I leave the room, and regress to be coddled. It's hard, but pfffft. Shows how much I know about preschoolers.

Sure enough, the next week you are a full-fledged Gemini, screaming at the top of your lungs "Mama, Mommy, need you, help please, up, up, mas besos, more hugs, up Mama, Mama sing song, Mama come, Mama sit, up Mama, no down, no down, more hugs, mas besos, love you, Mama ..." and the next second, when Papa is home from work and you have a new focus, "Mama go away, in house Mama. Now."

Right. I'll get one that now.

But I love it. I may not necessarily enjoy every second of it, but it's so amazingly cool to see you, really see you, and I love who you are, who you have been and who you are becoming. My wish for you this month is that you continually evolve. I hope you don't ever get stuck in being what anyone expects of you, I hope you are an individual and that your tastes and moods, and styles and interests change as your life does. I know you'll be dynamic.

I do have to say, this month has been packed, and while I'm looking forward to some down time from the birthdays and play dates, you are incredibly adaptable and have quite a few boyfriends. But although you only have one little girl your age you sometimes see, you've become a rough and tumble girly girl. You'll jump and run and play and wrestle with the boys, and do it in the pretty dress you picked out that morning. Or throw your dolls and play with monster trucks and trains, ride bikes and let your cousins puch you on their skateboards and scooters, but the minute someone is hurt, you immediately get concerned, and make sure 'Boo-Boo Rescue' is on the way. I love that about you. So carefree and unconcerned with gender roles right now, but always the nurturer.

Well Darling, I keep saying it, and I mean it more than ever. I love you so much more that I thought humanly possible. The rest of this year is going to hold some major changes for you, but I know you'll get through it, and be a womderful big sister. Which reminds me, you repeat everything we say right now. You've started calling Papa 'Babe' because that's what I yell when I need him, or if he calls to me, you'll yell 'What?" like I normally do. You tell the puppies to 'hush, stop barking' and you remember events vividly and will explain them again and again, repeating over and over if someone got an ouchie or you went to play with a friend down the street. I just wanted to bring this up because when your sister is 2, and you are almost in kinder and she's following you around repeting what you say, I just want written proof that you did the same thing first.

I love you,
Mama.

Dude, It's August?

Around this time of year, when I was a kid, I started to get both excited and sad. Sad, of course, because Summer break was ending and it was back to the daily grind of getting up early to go to school. At the same time, I was always excited to get back to that routine, and to see my friends, and yes, (I’m a dork) to learn something new. Of course as a teen, there were more perks to the end of Summer, like no more 40 hour work weeks, and generally a break as school was much more interesting than folding a wall of jeans.

This year, it’s kind of cool, because the closer we get to Thanksgiving, the closer I am to a ‘vacation’ from work and to see my little Frogger. But isn’t it crazy that it’s already August? Maybe because the weather hasn’t been super hot this year, it just feels like it came very quickly. In a few weeks it’ll already be Labor Day, then Halloween, then Veteran’s Day, and then I’m off! Whoot!

I love the Fall, I decided it’s my favorite season. I love going from holiday to holiday getting more excited each month for Christmas. I love the weather cooling off, long sleeve shirts and playing in the crunchy leaves as the fall from trees, but no rain yet. I love getting a hot cup of coffee (or hot chocolate this year) in the morning, and curling up with my Boogie to read a book while waffles are cooking or bacon sizzles on the stove. And I adore taking the dogs out for a walk, in my faux Uggs and a warm jacket, watching the sky change from inky blue to a hazy grey.

And I’m going to start Christmas shopping early this year, just in case, you know? I’m hoping to get creative and have some homemade gifts for the adults this time around