September 29, 2008
Success!
Taryn slept all night in her new toddler bed. Not a peep from her until 7:30 this morning when strolled into P and I's room, climbed up on her bed and said "Opa noni!"
September 25, 2008
Favorites
Do you ever worry that you are going to love Z more than Taryn?”
This is the question he casually threw out last night as we were discussing Boogie going into a toddler bed this weekend, dinner to celebrate his promotion, and an agreement to hash out a name for Frogger (aka Z).
Honestly, the thought had not even crossed my mind. My big worry was that I’ll love them the same but like Boogie more than her sister. I can’t fathom a child being nearer to my heart than my firstborn, someone being as smart and beautiful and loving and sweet as Boogie is, and I honestly regretted getting pregnant for a short time, because I was so worried about what an injustice it was to bring another child into the house when I could have stopped with perfection.
But as we talked a bit more I started to wonder if our perspectives were not meeting because we had different birth orders. P is the first child for his parents, and knowing his background I can understand his concern that I, the primary caretaker and mother, would love the younger more than the older. That is what he grew up seeing and experiencing, and for him, that must be a truth in life.
I, on the other hand, was the second child, and while I never doubted my mother’s love, there have been, and still are times when I feel like my older brother is the favorite. It doesn’t bother me as much now as it sometimes did when I was younger. I consciously set out on my own at a younger age and tried to be independent, and while I maintain ties to my mother, I have my own family to care for now so I don’t feel like I expect as much from her. I wonder if my mom and brother are so close because they’ve had to struggle to get to where they are now, and they’ve grown together during that struggle? I feel like I’ve always been connected to my mom, and our struggles deepened our understanding of each other, but I have never been the Prodigal Child.
But it’s all perspective. My idea of what a ‘favorite child’ is may be very different from my husband’s, mom’s and brother’s ideas are. And a person’s actions do not necessarily betray one’s feelings, because I think parents often overcompensate for having a favorite, by spending time and energy with the neglected child. I guess in the long run it will probably even out. I’m sure there will be some times when I favor one of my girls over the other, and I’m sure that will change over time as we all pass through phases in life. I just hope that I never lose the ability to treasure each one for how beautifully different they are, and teach them to appreciate that in themselves and others.
This is the question he casually threw out last night as we were discussing Boogie going into a toddler bed this weekend, dinner to celebrate his promotion, and an agreement to hash out a name for Frogger (aka Z).
Honestly, the thought had not even crossed my mind. My big worry was that I’ll love them the same but like Boogie more than her sister. I can’t fathom a child being nearer to my heart than my firstborn, someone being as smart and beautiful and loving and sweet as Boogie is, and I honestly regretted getting pregnant for a short time, because I was so worried about what an injustice it was to bring another child into the house when I could have stopped with perfection.
But as we talked a bit more I started to wonder if our perspectives were not meeting because we had different birth orders. P is the first child for his parents, and knowing his background I can understand his concern that I, the primary caretaker and mother, would love the younger more than the older. That is what he grew up seeing and experiencing, and for him, that must be a truth in life.
I, on the other hand, was the second child, and while I never doubted my mother’s love, there have been, and still are times when I feel like my older brother is the favorite. It doesn’t bother me as much now as it sometimes did when I was younger. I consciously set out on my own at a younger age and tried to be independent, and while I maintain ties to my mother, I have my own family to care for now so I don’t feel like I expect as much from her. I wonder if my mom and brother are so close because they’ve had to struggle to get to where they are now, and they’ve grown together during that struggle? I feel like I’ve always been connected to my mom, and our struggles deepened our understanding of each other, but I have never been the Prodigal Child.
But it’s all perspective. My idea of what a ‘favorite child’ is may be very different from my husband’s, mom’s and brother’s ideas are. And a person’s actions do not necessarily betray one’s feelings, because I think parents often overcompensate for having a favorite, by spending time and energy with the neglected child. I guess in the long run it will probably even out. I’m sure there will be some times when I favor one of my girls over the other, and I’m sure that will change over time as we all pass through phases in life. I just hope that I never lose the ability to treasure each one for how beautifully different they are, and teach them to appreciate that in themselves and others.
September 20, 2008
Month Twenty-Seven
All day long I had it stuck in my head you were only twenty-six months today, but then I realized that you and your little sister should be 29 month apart, so either your birthday or my due date was off. Silly me.
I don't really know what a 27 month old kid is supposed to be like, I guess I haven't paid much attention to any that I was around, but I really should have, because you have been cracking us up lately.
We've been practicing names for a couple weeks now, I figured since you're old enough to run off and get lost, you should probably know your families names so whatever security guard picks you up in the mall, they can page us. Like you'd actually talk to a stranger. You got my name, the animals and your own fine, but when I asked you what Papa's name was, you yelled "Babe!" Which is true in a way, since that's what I call him, but probably wouldn't help much in the event of an emergency.
After you got the first names of people you see on a regular basis, we started working on last names too, but every time I say our last name, you dissolve in giggles. So I've taken to calling you "Miss C-" just to see you crack up for absolutely no reason.
We started gymnastics again this month, and I feel bad for keeping you away for so long. At the first class, as all the other kids were shy and quietly following directions, you were a whirlwind of bouncing curls and random jumping, spinning in circles with your arms flying by your sides and randomly rolling on the floor. And about halfway through the class you saw the older girls running in a big circle in another part of the gym and took off running after them. Yeah, everyone thought it was funny except your 7 month pregnant mother who had to tackle you to the floor to get you to slow down, and drag you back to the 2 year-old group.
But I'm glad you have so much energy, it motivates me to get going too even though I'm exhausted all the time. On our walk today, I was waddling along as you pushed your baby in her stroller and I noticed suddenly that you were no longer next to me. I turned around to see where you had gone, and almost peed myself (literally) when I spied you a few feet back with your hands on your hips, shaking your butt and singing something incoherent.
I don't know what has changed, but in the last couple weeks you spend hours each day singing and dancing, with a doll or stuffed animal, sometimes all by yourself in front of the mirror. Papa and I both sing to you a lot, and we all dance together, but seeing you groove to your own little beat is the most fantastic vision of freedom and self-confidence. And so my wish for you this month is that you never lose your song, and you never lose your love of dancing.
Pretty soon I'll be home with you more, and I'm excited to see you excited in the coming month as we start hitting up the pumpkin patches and get your Halloween costume pictures. You already know how to say Trick-or-Treat, and when we practice at home you hold out your hand for candy, and pretend to unwrap it and stick it in your mouth when I hand you a pretend piece. Ah, life is so easy before you relize how much real candy you'll get that day...
I love you,
Mama
I don't really know what a 27 month old kid is supposed to be like, I guess I haven't paid much attention to any that I was around, but I really should have, because you have been cracking us up lately.
We've been practicing names for a couple weeks now, I figured since you're old enough to run off and get lost, you should probably know your families names so whatever security guard picks you up in the mall, they can page us. Like you'd actually talk to a stranger. You got my name, the animals and your own fine, but when I asked you what Papa's name was, you yelled "Babe!" Which is true in a way, since that's what I call him, but probably wouldn't help much in the event of an emergency.
After you got the first names of people you see on a regular basis, we started working on last names too, but every time I say our last name, you dissolve in giggles. So I've taken to calling you "Miss C-" just to see you crack up for absolutely no reason.
We started gymnastics again this month, and I feel bad for keeping you away for so long. At the first class, as all the other kids were shy and quietly following directions, you were a whirlwind of bouncing curls and random jumping, spinning in circles with your arms flying by your sides and randomly rolling on the floor. And about halfway through the class you saw the older girls running in a big circle in another part of the gym and took off running after them. Yeah, everyone thought it was funny except your 7 month pregnant mother who had to tackle you to the floor to get you to slow down, and drag you back to the 2 year-old group.
But I'm glad you have so much energy, it motivates me to get going too even though I'm exhausted all the time. On our walk today, I was waddling along as you pushed your baby in her stroller and I noticed suddenly that you were no longer next to me. I turned around to see where you had gone, and almost peed myself (literally) when I spied you a few feet back with your hands on your hips, shaking your butt and singing something incoherent.
I don't know what has changed, but in the last couple weeks you spend hours each day singing and dancing, with a doll or stuffed animal, sometimes all by yourself in front of the mirror. Papa and I both sing to you a lot, and we all dance together, but seeing you groove to your own little beat is the most fantastic vision of freedom and self-confidence. And so my wish for you this month is that you never lose your song, and you never lose your love of dancing.
Pretty soon I'll be home with you more, and I'm excited to see you excited in the coming month as we start hitting up the pumpkin patches and get your Halloween costume pictures. You already know how to say Trick-or-Treat, and when we practice at home you hold out your hand for candy, and pretend to unwrap it and stick it in your mouth when I hand you a pretend piece. Ah, life is so easy before you relize how much real candy you'll get that day...
I love you,
Mama
September 9, 2008
Halloweeeeeeeeeeeen
Can I be honest here, without being shot by the firing squad? I know it's an odd feeling, and I've gotten a lot of slack for saying it, but I'm not a fan of Halloween. I mean, sure, I like seeing the kids dressed up and handing out candy, but me? Dress up? Not my thing.
I much prefer the "Autumn Activities" that come with this odd-ball holiday, going to the pumpkin patch and sampling fresh cheeses, wandering through the corn maze, maybe even riding on the haywagon if I have a minor accomplice. I do like the spiced apple cider, pies, the crisp Autumn air, pretty much everything aside from Halloween day.
I find it a bit disconcerting to see grown folks dressed up in some of the things they do. I'm turned off by the over-sexualization of many costumes, and some of them honestly scare me shitless. Maybe I'm just an open book though, what you see is what you get, and I don't need a special day each year to let my inner demon loose?
But here's the thing. Please don't tell, but I am actually starting to get excited this year. I don't know if it's because I see how stoked Boogie is to wear her costume (and there's a hint, she already has one) or because the last two years she was too young to go Trick-or-Treating. I actually have a costume idea for myself in mind, and I am the person that usually figues all that stuff out on the way to the Halloween party. Maybe I'm psyching myself up knowing the proposed theme for my baby shower which I initially wasn't too keen on, but now sounds like it will be a lot of fun.
I'd like to think it's the preggo hormones that are messing with my normally stoic facade (in relation to this weird day, at least) but I don't know. I do know this year we're hitting up at least two pumpkin patches, we're carving pumpkins, I'm making fresh pie and maybe my pumpkin chocolate bread while I drink my spiced cider, and I'm living it up this Fall. We're going to as many Halloween parties as we can, Trick-or-Treating both at Northgate and at home, and I'm sure Boogie is planning to wear her costume every day for the next 2 months as well.
I much prefer the "Autumn Activities" that come with this odd-ball holiday, going to the pumpkin patch and sampling fresh cheeses, wandering through the corn maze, maybe even riding on the haywagon if I have a minor accomplice. I do like the spiced apple cider, pies, the crisp Autumn air, pretty much everything aside from Halloween day.
I find it a bit disconcerting to see grown folks dressed up in some of the things they do. I'm turned off by the over-sexualization of many costumes, and some of them honestly scare me shitless. Maybe I'm just an open book though, what you see is what you get, and I don't need a special day each year to let my inner demon loose?
But here's the thing. Please don't tell, but I am actually starting to get excited this year. I don't know if it's because I see how stoked Boogie is to wear her costume (and there's a hint, she already has one) or because the last two years she was too young to go Trick-or-Treating. I actually have a costume idea for myself in mind, and I am the person that usually figues all that stuff out on the way to the Halloween party. Maybe I'm psyching myself up knowing the proposed theme for my baby shower which I initially wasn't too keen on, but now sounds like it will be a lot of fun.
I'd like to think it's the preggo hormones that are messing with my normally stoic facade (in relation to this weird day, at least) but I don't know. I do know this year we're hitting up at least two pumpkin patches, we're carving pumpkins, I'm making fresh pie and maybe my pumpkin chocolate bread while I drink my spiced cider, and I'm living it up this Fall. We're going to as many Halloween parties as we can, Trick-or-Treating both at Northgate and at home, and I'm sure Boogie is planning to wear her costume every day for the next 2 months as well.
September 8, 2008
Third Trimester Giggles
Already 28 weeks. I’m officially in the home stretch. And I’m giddy.
For some reason the past few days I have become almost stupidly excited about having this baby. Not that I don’t enjoy being pregnant, but I am so excited to see this little girl, and hold her, and bring her home to meet her big sister. I’m excited to have my house back soon and be home with my girls for a few months.
I’ve started a mental list of what I am going to do as soon as I go out on leave: get my hair cut, get a massage, rearrange the extra bedroom for optimal middle-of-the-night nursing and TV viewing, get the bassinette and pack-n-play set up, wash Boogie’s old clothes and get them put away in her yet-to-be-purchased dresser, decorate for Christmas …
And though normally I may feel a bit overwhelmed with having so much to do in an undetermined amount of time, these are all things that I am looking forward to, that I will enjoy doing, and that will get me even more excited to see this kid. And as much as I was dreading a “Christmas Baby” I’m stoked that this will all be happening during my absolute favorite time of year.
I’m also juiced that I’ll be home with Boogie for a while, just the two of us for hopefully a couple weeks. Time to devote to her, and soak up her squishy-cheeked loveliness before the whirlwind of infancy starts again in my house. We get to go Christmas shopping and sing carols and drink hot chocolate while we snuggle and read books. We get to lounge in our jammies all day if we want to, or get dolled up and go see Christmas lights. We can watch Rudolph cartoons and make paper snowflakes and we have an excuse to get our Christmas tree before Thanksgiving this year!
Watch out people, you know I bake when I’m extra happy, and you will be inundated with Christmas treats, candies, bread, and anything else I can think of. Whoot!
For some reason the past few days I have become almost stupidly excited about having this baby. Not that I don’t enjoy being pregnant, but I am so excited to see this little girl, and hold her, and bring her home to meet her big sister. I’m excited to have my house back soon and be home with my girls for a few months.
I’ve started a mental list of what I am going to do as soon as I go out on leave: get my hair cut, get a massage, rearrange the extra bedroom for optimal middle-of-the-night nursing and TV viewing, get the bassinette and pack-n-play set up, wash Boogie’s old clothes and get them put away in her yet-to-be-purchased dresser, decorate for Christmas …
And though normally I may feel a bit overwhelmed with having so much to do in an undetermined amount of time, these are all things that I am looking forward to, that I will enjoy doing, and that will get me even more excited to see this kid. And as much as I was dreading a “Christmas Baby” I’m stoked that this will all be happening during my absolute favorite time of year.
I’m also juiced that I’ll be home with Boogie for a while, just the two of us for hopefully a couple weeks. Time to devote to her, and soak up her squishy-cheeked loveliness before the whirlwind of infancy starts again in my house. We get to go Christmas shopping and sing carols and drink hot chocolate while we snuggle and read books. We get to lounge in our jammies all day if we want to, or get dolled up and go see Christmas lights. We can watch Rudolph cartoons and make paper snowflakes and we have an excuse to get our Christmas tree before Thanksgiving this year!
Watch out people, you know I bake when I’m extra happy, and you will be inundated with Christmas treats, candies, bread, and anything else I can think of. Whoot!
September 7, 2008
Burned Out
It sucks that I can't post what I wrote. I'm too tired to deal with the backlash of being honest. I'm too busy to explain in more detail what I mean, and I don't want all the excuses.
I wish I could do more, but I'm tired. I wish I could give infinitely but I'm drained. I wish you knew how much time I devote to you, that I feel like I've lost because I don't get yours in return.
I know I've said it before, but I need to be more selfish. I need to take care of myself first. I'm sorry if I'm not available to you as much as I used to be, if I can't spend hours listening to you when I don't feel heard, or calling to make plans when I feel you don't really want to spend time with me.
I just need to regroup, I guess.
I wish I could do more, but I'm tired. I wish I could give infinitely but I'm drained. I wish you knew how much time I devote to you, that I feel like I've lost because I don't get yours in return.
I know I've said it before, but I need to be more selfish. I need to take care of myself first. I'm sorry if I'm not available to you as much as I used to be, if I can't spend hours listening to you when I don't feel heard, or calling to make plans when I feel you don't really want to spend time with me.
I just need to regroup, I guess.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
