Month Two

Happy Second Month Milestone Dimples!

You really do have the most adorable dimple on one cheek. You have one on the other side too, but it is just a tiny tease of a dimple. The one on the left side is big enough to stick a cookie in, and when you smile, and my goodness you are quick to smile, it just caves into your chunky round little cheeks. You've been smiling at Taryn for almost a month, and at me for about 3 weeks. Your whole face lights up, and you start cooing and giggling. Any rough days we've been through just disappear when you smile at me and I feel like the world is at our fingertips.

You've also started grabbing at toys, my hair, pretty much anything within reach, but have no interest in the dogs or the cat. Which is probably good, you all will have years together to torment each other. You have been an amazing sick patient, catching your first cold from Papa with sniffles, coughing and these little sneezes that remind me of the pet rats I had when I was a kid. Just a tiny little sound, but snot comes flying out your nose and promptly gets sucked back up. Ooops. But since you've been sick the past 3 days, you've transitioned back into your crib at night and for naps, and you're sleeping 3-4 hour stretches so I feel so energized in the morning and ready to tackle the task or entertaining you and your sister.

We've been lucky for the past week that Granny has been staying with us. Your Nana's mom is a wonderful person, and I hope she is around here long enough for you two to really spend some time together. She has been a God-send, cleaning the house so I can focus on spending time with you girls, and sharing her vast wealth of knowledge with your Papa and I. It is lovely to see you two together, and though you prefer for me over anyone else to soothe you, Granny has become quite good at walking you around the house to keep you occupied while I put your sister down for a nap or get ready for the day. You guys make each other smile, and with the past few years Granny has had, I think you are helping her to enjoy small pockets of life again. My wish for you this month is for me also, because I hope and pray that when you have kids I will be around to help you with them, and that your Nana will be here as well to spend time with any you choose to care for. It makes an incredible difference in life and love to have time to focus on what matters, instead of the monotonous daily chores to cross off the list.

Kid, I dropped you on your head yesterday. I've got a bruise on my butt the size of a plum, so I took most of the force, but as I was bouncing you on the exercise ball to help you sleep, it exploded and I crashed to the floor. I mostly caught you, but the momentum of the fall caused you to bounce off my lap and bump your head on the deflated rubber ball, and the hard floor beneath it. You're fine, though my hands were shaking I was so scared your collarbone snapped again or something, and you screamed bloody murder for about 30 minutes non-stop. I was pacing the block out in the sun, in my socks, trying to calm you down, and though you were inconsolable for that time, you showed no ill effects from the fall. Unlike my derriere. It was the first time your head hit the floor, but surely not your last.

All in all, it's been a mellow month. Yes, there are problems in the house, but I'm confident that you won't remember them, and I don't want to give them power by putting them out in the universe. I hope you know that no matter what happens to this family, you are loved, you will always be loved and treasured, and nothing will ever change that. You have my heart, Gorilita.

I love you.
Mama

And it all comes crashing down

I had a feeling something was wrong, ever since last Friday I just knew things weren't okay. Now he comes clean, and I've been asked not to talk about it. So I ruminate. And I cry. And I try to figure out how things are going to play out, but I can't. I can't know. It's all on him. I can't influence this, I'm not in control. I don't know what to do anymore.

So the tears are dry, and all I can do is hope that he'll figure this out, stand by his side as he works through the shit storm he created, and pray that the girls and I will come through unscathed. All trust in him is gone. God, this is a fucked up thing to have to deal with when I already have 2 babies to care for. I had hopes for staying home with the girls, but can I give up my job now?

I am so hurt and disappointed. Please don't ask for details, just know that my life became so much harder today, and I'm trying to respect his wishes to deal with it himself. That may not last, but I have to give him a chance.

Month Thirty-One

Boogie, the day you turned 31 months we rang in an historic moment with mimosas for me, Nana and Granny, and you had OJ in your sippy. We watched the inauguration of President Barak H. Obama, the first African American president of this country. On election night a few months back you sat on the couch with me enthralled by his acceptance speech, and once again I am thrilled to have shared this momentous occasion with you. We cheered, clinked glasses, and you periodically yelled "Obama!" while watching the TV with a huge smile on your face. I know you won't remember that day, but know that you were there, you watched it live, and you were just as juiced as the rest of the world.

Speaking of TV, I want you to thank your sister for one thing, if nothing else: she made you a normal kid. Before she was born, I was stringent with TV. Most days you didn't see it at all unless I was sick or too tired, and then it was educational videos, cartoons set to kids songs, or Jackson's birthday. Now, you're getting around 45 minutes a day, still educational but a lot of the same Dora the Explorer episodes as well (which you know all the words to) so that I can have time to cook dinner or deal with your crying sister without you feeling neglected. I'm not happy about it, but I realized yesterday that I'm trying to do too much, trying to do it all and do it perfectly, and you are suffering. So there you go. Zoraya loosened the cable strings and now you'll be able to discuss non-violent educational cartoons with your friends at school. Say thank you. :)

I'm glad we didn't sign you up for gymnastics this month. It's January, but it's been 70 degrees for weeks so we've been able to go to the park, and play outside, take a few walks, and enjoy the beautiful unseasonal weather. And today it's raining so I put a video on for you so I could write you letter.

You are going through a rough transition right now, from a toddler to a preschooler and attempting to assert your independence. I am trying to help you explore your autonomy while maintaining mt sanity, and it's a hard balancing act but I think we're doing okay. It's funny though because you pretty much refuse to do anything I ask unless it involves someone else. You'll put Papa's shoes away, but not your own. You'll bring me a diaper to change Zoraya, but not when I need to change yours. And you'll eat food off my and your Papa's plate, but not what's on your own. So okay, I'm hoping this phase ends soon, but it's still fascinating to watch you go through it. So this month, my wish for you is that you remain fiercely independent but still have a kind heart, that you assert yourself but not to infringe on or hurt others, that you know clearly what you want and you go after it, but don't beat anyone else down to get there. We've been trying to perfect this for generations, and I have high hopes that you will be the first to achieve that balance.

I haven't talked much about your stature recently, because you haven't been to the doctor in months. You're getting tall, about 34 inches but are still a beanpole at a touch over 25 lbs. Girth-wise, you still fit into 18-24 month clothes and a size 4 diaper, but height-wise you're pushing up into 3T. And you are still one of the most stunning children I have ever seen. Everywhere we go people are commenting that you are so beautiful, and I'm trying to teach you to respond "Thank you, I'm smart too" so that you will learn that looks are not everything, but I have to be honest that you are absolutely gorgeous... and you know it.

You've also been a dancing queen again, stripping off all your clothes, turning on the radio and shaking your scrawny little butt to whatever comes on. I'm going to film you one day and hold it hostage to make sure I get into a nice retirment community.

I love you,
Mama

God, this is hard sometimes...

Sometimes the days are so hard that I am in tears by the time P gets home. Yesterday I had a screaming infant and a toddler who melted into the floor in tears, begging me to pick her up instead of the baby. I'm still struggling to balance my time, to make Boogie feel loved and attended to, but also to make sure Gorilita's needs are met as well. Then mine. Mine are always last, but I knew that going into this parenting thing, and I'm okay with that. It's splitting time with the girls that is killing me.

Then there are other times, like this morning, where Boogie is so loving and attentive to her sister, playing with her and seeing Glorilita's huge smile when she sees her sister's face melts my heart and makes the rough patches totally worth it. Then I'm in tears anyway when P gets home, so happy that I decided to sacrifice once again so that these sisters will grow up close in age, and hopefully as friends.

I just have to remind myself when things are hard that it will pass, and soon they will be able to play together and making sure they both feel loved now is vital to their later development.

Effective Disciple?

Boogie has been a bit out of control lately, steadily wading through her terrible twos, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is completely normal. And also not to laugh too much. Her favorite thing now is saying "I can't do it" when I ask her to clean up after herself or do something, like bring me a tissue.

The other day I asked her to pick up her blocks after she dumped them on the floor and walked away. It was time to take a nap and she was being defiant, sprawled across the bench of her table moaning like I had asked her to pick me up and carry me up the stairs.

"I can't Mom, I'm too tired."

So I told her I'd take them away if she didn't help me pick them up, and she says, "Okay, can I go to sleep now?"

As if that wasn't cute enough, the next morning we moved her kitchen and found a couple of the blocks that I had missed putting away the day before. She picks them up, walks over to me with her hand out and says "Put these away too, Mom."