This is How My Mind Works

I started this blog for two reasons. One, I wanted a way to keep in touch with the majority of my family that lives out of California. I wanted a medium, aside from mass-emails in which to update these important people in my life, because I didn't feel like I was capable of doing it in a one-on-one manner. I haven't quite succeeded in this goal, but I'm working on it.

The other main reason I started this blog was to have a place to be open and honest with myself. A place where I could write and process my thoughts because for me, I don't feel like I can fully process a situation or idea wihtout putting it in writing. That's just how my mind works. I write to process and explore the different feelings, emotions, ideas, etc that tumble around in my mind like a sandstorm, each particle a conflicting part of myself that I somehow have to come to terms with.

I feel like lately I've been getting a lot of heat from folks reading this blog. My intention when I write here is not to attack anyone without giving them an opportunity to defend themselves, or to be passive-aggressive to put this all in writing out in the blog-o-sphere, and hope that the person I am referring to will read it. My intention is to process my feelings, that's all.

I'm not like other people. I don't automatically feel compassion and empathy. My initial reaction to most things is a combination of disgust, anger, hurt, shame and a whole slew of other negative feelings. Unlike most people, I need to process these feelings in order to reach the humane part of myself who can be understanding and sympathetic to others. I feel like I've built up so many layers of negativity in my life, that pain and guilt have become the filters in which I see the world through.

I'm not an entertainer. I don't write comical posts daily. If something it outright funny to me, then yes, that single post may be amusing to others. But I can't get to that enjoyment in life if I can't process all the other stuff. And I can't slant my blog to write for others and neglect the parts of my that need to be expressed. I did start a new blog on a different host sight a while back for the sole intent of blogging all the negativity there. I didn't want to hurt the people close to me, but I had to get it out somehow. I've stopped posting there though. It feels false to me to have all my funny stories and amazements about Taryn here, and all the "shit" there. I've compartmentalized my life enough, and in order to be open and honest I need people to know all the sides of me, even the dark painful corners I've been hiding for years.

This is my consciousness. This is how I think. I write what the voice in my head is saying, and it may not be easy for others to hear but what can I say? I'm sorry?

I am sorry people are offended. I am sorry people feel the need to explain their actions and reactions when I blog about a situation. I'm sorry I'm not like you guys, but I'm not sorry for using this space, my blog, to process. My initial reaction is to say, look. If you can't handle what I'm writing, then maybe you shouldn't be reading this. But I'm not going to ask you to leave, I'm only asking you to be understanding of what I am doing, what my intention is, and to understand as well that if something is really bothering me, I'll come to you about it.

For the most part, I eventually get it. I eventually understand that you were being affected by medication, or we misunderstood each other, or that I read too much into the situation. The difference is I blog the thought processes that led me to my final understanding, and you are getting a glimpse of those thoughts, and not just the final result.

I don't know what else to say.