Aletta 2.1

I'm a huge fan of resolutions, and around this time very year, I'm thinking of a list of the things that I can do to improve myself. The problem I find though, is that by around March, I've either forgotten the resolutions I had made, or I've made so many and haven't gotten too far in any, that I give up.

I started thinking this year that this annual dance with myself is very representative of my life. For as long as I can remember, I've fucked things up, tried to run away from them, only to make the same fuck-ups again and again, until I've finally learned my lesson. And this is going way past New Years Resolutions, this is a theme that has threaded itself through my entire conscious life, and I can't keep ditching the last scene of my crimes and trying to do it a different way.

I started to think too, that maybe that's a good thing. Because if I had actually made all those changes I proposed to myself, who would I be now? Maybe my intention was not clear in the past, and I failed because I was trying to be someone new, instead of a newer version of myself. I don't know if it's a question that anyone can answer: How many changes can you make, and still be you? How many improvements can you facilitate, and still be considered the same person?

A lot of my old resolutions have come to pass as I've gotten older and realized the benefits of them, such as drinking more water, writing more, and curbing my temper. But some I just can't seem to grasp. Some things just seem as though they will never be a part of my personality, as hard as I try, and maybe the truth is, I'm not ready for them.

This year has taught me to let go. There have been multiple issues that I felt that I needed to resolve, things that I felt needed to be in my control, and I couldn't do it. This year more than any other I have developed a true faith, although I've always believed it, that God won't give me more than I can handle. Everything has been happening for a reason, and though I may not like it, I've come to accept it. I'm being given exactly what I need at that time, not what I want. And I see it manifest in those around me as well, whether it's a gentle push in the right direction, or a massive storm to physically get rid of what shouldn't be there, it's all exactly as it should be.

And please don't misunderstand my faith for docility, I'm still kicking and fighting some things that I feel a bodily urge to control, I just know that eventually I'll get tired and be able to accept what is given to me. It's a hard lesson, and I know it will take many more years for me to master, and along the way I will slowly become the person that I was meant to be.

And so, for this year only, I don't have any soul-altering resolutions to make. I'm not going to be a patient person by December 31, 2008, or completely stop gossiping. I'm not going to train my mind to think only positive thoughts, or vow to renew (and use) my gym membership. I only have two things that I want to accomplish, and I hope that by immersing myself in them, I will be able to gain a deeper understanding of some aspect of myself, and maybe make some memories for Taryn as well.

So by the end of next year, I want to do the following:
1. Compile a list of 100 Things to do Before I Die
2. Make a quiet book for Taryn. By hand.

Shouldn't be too hard, right? I'll let you know this time next year..

Have a wonderful New Years, and I'll see you on the flip side!