Helplessly Individual

I did a home visit with a client yesterday afternoon, and on it, I met an educated, strong Black woman who should have been in her prime, but was instead a disabled single mother, raising two kids on less than $800 per month. She was alone. I couldn't do anything to help her.

Ever day at work I see people like me, my classmates, my peers, who come in downtrodden, beaten up by the world, disheartened, depressed, wasting their lives at low paying jobs, neglecting their children, then escaping it all through drugs and alcohol. And I can't help thinking why not me? Why didn't I turn out like them? We came form the same neighborhood, we both were raised by single mothers, we went to the same schools, we made similar mistakes, and we ended up so differently in such a short time.

One thing I noticed is that I never fit in. Feeling like a part of something has always eluded me. I can't wrap my head around how other people think sometimes, how they spend money frivolously not thinking of the future, or want to spend all their time getting wasted. I'm an outdoors girl, hiking or at a park with Taryn, or taking her someplace to explore something new. I want to do something when I have time, I need to be busy or I feel lost. And those people who had all the friends, not all of them, but many of the ones I see at work were more interested in fitting in than discovering who they really were.

The other thing I noticed is that I've always been surrounded by good, strong people. My mom is the most amazing woman I have ever met, I am so blessed to have her as a guide in my life, and she has struggled to show me that I can succeed at anything I put my mind to. She has shown me other examples of strong women, not Oprah-rich or well-to-do, but those women who have overcome obstacles most people could never imagine living through and they learned to love life at the end of it all.

Right now I am surrounded by mentors, people who I learn from everyday, even when they don't know they are teaching me a lesson. One is helping me to learn how to face conflict in an open and honest way right now, something I never learned to do. She is helping me learn to resolve problems I have while maintaining the relationship, just by not letting me push her away while being bitchy. Another is showing me that no matter what your circumstances, you can always go higher, do better, reach for more. It doesn't matter your educational background, if you fight for something, you're going to achieve it.

And I feel like I need to do something with this knowledge that I have. I feel like I've been given the gift of being an outsider, and by flitting from place to place, never being able to get comfortable enough to stop growing and learning, but I haven't helped anyone. I want to do something. I want to help people. I don't have enough money to feed the hungry people I see, or buy all the kids new sneakers, but I feel like I could help someone do better than where they are now, but I don't know how.

The client that I saw last night told me an inspirational story of her dying on the way to the hospital, and being ripped away from the peace and love of people she loved, back to a world of pain and heartache. I know she's here for a reason, she doesn't know why yet, and I'm not so self-centered to think she was brought back just to inspire me, but she has. I need to do something, to spread my good fortune and faith to other people, but I feel so helpless as an individual.

So there it is. I'm asking the Universe for a sign. I've asked before, and God showed me He was real, more than once to be honest, and call me crazy, I'm pretty sure that one day soon, I'll have an outlet to help people. I don't believe God has given me all these lessons and knowledge to keep all for myself.