Once Again, I'm Stuck

One of the things that I hate the most about myself is my complete inability to express myself verbally. Now I know that’s not fair to the rest of the world, and I know it’s odd considering I worked in a call center for a few years, but I honestly believe the synapses connecting my brain to my mouth are fucked up.

To overcome this deficit, I’ve learned to slow myself down. I feel like my brain processes too quickly for my mouth to catch up, and the only way for me to be coherent is to breathe deeply, plan my points, and calmly deliver whatever message I’m holding onto. The problem really arises when I’m emotional. I can’t control my nervous system as well as some people, hence the anxiety and depression, and unlike some people with the same afflictions, I can’t express myself in words either.

So I’ve gotten in the habit of writing things down, not only to process my emotions, like on this blog, but also to try to get my message across in a semi-coherent fashion. But the problem then becomes that the recipient of my message is left holding my words without my emotions, and it’s gotten me in crap situations over and over again. Even when I edit the original text to be more reader-friendly and less emotion-driven, I still seem to screw it up.

And I realize when I write that I’ve been holding a lot back for a long time, and it’s like a dam breaking for me. All those things that I’ve been trying to say but haven’t had the words for, come pouring out and my simple note turns into an angry diatribe and really it’s an excuse to vent, and it’s inexcusable because nobody should have to be subjected to my narcissistic rages, and yet the people closest to me are.

And I don’t know what to do about it.