Sunday Brunch

Is it sacrelidge to choose a faith based on the beauty of its church? How about to blindly follow a faith you don't wholly agree in, because its the same as your family's? And can you call yourself a Christian, Catholic, Muslim or Buddhist if you don't beleive in every aspect of that religion?

There is something intensely magnetic about the Catholic Church to me. I can't go past a church without feeling a draw to walk inside and savor the cool, soothing escape from the madness of the world. Of course I don't, not normally, because I feel out of place. I'm not Catholic. I haven't been baptized, though I've feigned a conversion so that Boogie could be baptized, but I want to be. I am soothed by the ritual, the chants and responses, the idols and candles, and the blind faith of the sick and elderly. I'm mesmerized by the grandeur of it all, by the feeling of peace I get when I walk into a church, any church, but especially Catholic ones.

All my life I've felt spiritual, some times it's been harder than others to maintain my faith, but mostly I feel a presence with me throughout my day, not intruding on my life, but giving me guidance in my decisions. I send up a silent prayer of thanks for a row of green lights, averting an accident, or a client who reminds me of why I wanted this job in the first place. I am thankful throughout the day for good news, and take a moment to stop and consult my inner guide when I have a decision to make.

But I'm torn, because I don't believe everything I'm supposed to. I don't believe that women shouldn't have the right to an abortion, and I don't think marriage is between a man and woman only. I'm brokenhearted that priests used their power and influence to kill millions of innocent people, to molest young children, to hoard money from the poor. But when I walk into a church that I believe in what they stand for, I don't feel the same reverence.

I love the sermons of Rev. E at EBCRS, but I'm not keen on the church. I love the formality and history that seeps out of a Catholic service, and singing Rick James with a gospel beat is not my idea of what to do on a Sunday morning. And although the people there are a fascinating mix, I just don't ever feel like I fit in there. My flippant response is that they are weird, they get in my personal space, they sing to loud and dance too wildly in the aisles.

But on deeper reflection, I think I don't like that church because it feels to me like there is a lack of respect for religion. I don't know where I got the idea that there should be structure to spirituality, but there it is, and it bothers me that EBCRS doesn't have that. It's like a mish-mash of whatever you want it to be, and to me its chaotic. I feel overwhelmed, like everyone is pressing in on me and I can't escape. If I could have Rev E in a Catholic church, I'd be in hog heaven. So I choose not to go so that I'm not torn by the dichotomy of what I have, anf what I want.

Cop-out, I know.

Anyway, I've just been feeling torn lately regarding what to do right now. I want Boogie to grow up with religion, to have a leg-up on faith, and to make spirituality an ingrained part of her being, but I don't know where or how to do that. I want her to be awed by Jesus and soothed by prayer, and to know that there is a reason for everything, that nothing will ever be too much to bear, and I want her to learn the lessons that have been passed down for thousands of years. Because although the stories may be exaggerted a bit (just slightly) I think everyone can learn something from them and I don't want Boogie to feel lost as a teen like I did, to not have a single place where she feels like she truly belongs.

Even if she decides later not to attend church, I want her to have that foundation, and to know it isand discuss the sermon, and have a tradition to pass down to my grandchildren. I want Boogie to have the choice, to be presented with all the 'facts' of creation and evolution, and to decide what she believes and how she will cultivate that faith in whatever she choooses.

And I want to belong to a community.