The realest convo ever

Maybe not ever, but definitely in regards to our relationship.

I don't remember how it started, only that I was in the dining room folding laundry, and P was on the couch. He had something to tell me, and I promised not to get mad. I don't know if it was the vicodin that made him speak so honestly, and I don't know what it was that made me keep my hurt in check, and be able to speak to him more honestly than I have done in a long time.

The long and the short of it?

P admitted that us getting married was a mistake. That at the time he was so infatuated he didn't think about the long-term ramifications of a legal and emotional agreement between two very young, very naive people. That he thinks the cultural differences between us may be too much in the long run.

And in turn, I admitted that I don't respect him. That I feel disgusted by the fact that he isn't doing anything with his life. That he spends hours per week playing poker online or watching TV instead of doing something constructive, and that I was sick of him making excuses for not going back to school.

He swore he doesn't blame me for him not having an education, yet he brings up the fact that he supported me while I was in school (mostly true) and the fact that I got pregnant right after we decided he was going to go back to school (also true, although I didn't impregnante myself).

And of course, I have to make the point to him that we were together for 5 years before I got pregnant, so Taryn is not the reason he doesn't have a degree yet, and that I've told him more than once that we will make it work, financially, and emotionally, when he decides to dedicate himself to his education. And then laid out for him a plan for him to work part-time, take care of Taryn part-time, and go to school full-time, substantiating the logic that if I could work 40 hours per week, and take 15-17 units in college for three and a half years, he could do it too.

And the amazing part is that we weren't arguing. We were having this real adult conversation, and I think we both walked away with a better understanding of each other, and ourselves in the relationship. It was so interesting, and I'm bummed we spent so many years being defensive and hiding away these little grains of resentment from each other, but maybe it just wasn't time. And maybe now we are ready to transform this marriage into something healthier, something more adult, something more fulfilling.

And I am so ready for that.