Even if I Could ... Would I?

I have been having this internal arguement with myself for the past few months, and the answer I keep coming up with is haunting me.

When I was in high school, I had no aspirations of a dream career in which I would throw my entire being and have a burning passion to pursue at all costs. Sure, I went through the typical phases, wanting to be a lawyer, dreams of being a doctor, but those were all shattered when I decided I wanted to be an astronaut.

I was serious about it. I took Honors Chemistry and was planning on physics my Senior year of high school. I took the military aptitude test and scored very high, so my plan was to do my time in the Air Force, become a pilot, then move my way over to Nasa. My Junior year I applied, and won, an internship with NASA, one of the greatest accomplishments of my life at that time, but one in which I was later sorely disappointed. After only a few weeks of work, I decided that although I loved the idea of being an astronaut, I would never be able to work with "those people" for the rest of my life. So I gave up.

And I really had very little ambition after that. I figured I would go to college, because that was what was expected, and I didn't want to work at Mervyn's the rest of my life. But what I really wanted to do was get married and have kids. I set a goal for myself, so that I wouldn't regret having kids young that as soon as I was married, had my degree, and bought a house, I'd have a baby.

I was married at 18, March 15th, 2002.

I bought my house at 21, July 30th, 2004.

I graduated from college at 21 also, December 18th, 2004.

And I got pregnant when I was 22, October 14th, 2005.

But of course, by then I had moved into a job that I really love. And financially, it isn't possible for me to be a stay-at-home mom to Taryn, but it kills me to think that even if I could do it, if it was a possibility, I don't know if I would.

I can't imagine giving up my job to stay home, and cook, and clean, and take care of the baby. I can't imagine not having the opportunity to meet new people on a daily basis, or not having the opportunity to cultivate relationships with my coworkers. I can't imagine not using my degree after I worked so hard to earn it, or the day when my kids are all in school and I am left with no relevant work experience and have to start all over again at the bottom and work my way up.

And I also can't fathom why all of a sudden, I am so dedicated to my "career" when I'd never really wanted one to begin with.

The more I process it, I realize that life would not be as dreary as I make it out to be, if I were at home all day long, and I also understand that nobody wishes they had worked more, but rather that they had spent more time with loved ones. But my life outside of my home is very important to me, and though I treasure this time I have with Taryn while she is a baby, I am also looking forward to working again and having a sense of purpose in my life, aside from caring for her.

If I could stay home for the first year, I would. But if it was between staying home until she was in Kindergarten and going back to work after 6.5 months, I'd have to start looking for daycare.

I do have reationalizations for it.

I truly believe that children after a certain age need to interact with other kids daily, in order to build social skills, to build up their immunities, and to see in general that there is a world outside of their home.

I also believe that mothers, in order to be effective need a lot of support, and I also know that I am not good at seeking out that support on my own, and that I would probably fall into a much deeper depression if I wasn't forced to interact with people daily.

That's all. And for me, those two reasons, coupled with the fact that I am the main bread-winner in this family, makes me believe that I am doing an okay thing by going back to work. It's going to be heart-wrenching to drop her off and head to work. It's going to be even more painful when I have to hear second-hand that she said her first word, or took her first step, but instead of focusing on that I'll just need to make the most out of every second that she and I have together, and hopefully our bond will be that much stronger because I won't take having her around for granted, like I've begun to do the past couple months.

And I guess, as long as she knows that I love her with all my heart, and that I'm doing what I think is best for both of us, things can't go too wrong, right?