"Ma'am, Please Calm Down...."

I hate being handled. You know when someone is trying to get you to do the opposite of what you want to do? It's so much more than simple manipulation, because then, they just try to get you to do what they want you to do.

Oh no, "handling" is so much worse.

There are some "handlers" who get paid to do it, like when you call your cell phone provider because they screwed up your bill and you're put on hold for 20 minutes before you can talk to anyone. So when you finally get connected to a rep, you start the conversation off a touch irate, and then when you realize the person you're talking to is a complete idiot? It's all down-hill from there. First, don't ever swear, they never forgive you for that, even if you aren't swearing at them. And if you get a complete incompetent fool, even when you are being polite, when you ask to speak to a supervisor all you hear is "Ma'am, you'll need to calm down before I transfer you," or "I can't help you when you are this angry." WTF? You're telling me to calm down after you pissed me off? Oh-hell-no.

It's worse though when it happens from someone you know. When I was pregnant, people were always telling me what to do, like somehow they knew my body better than I did?

"Sweetie, why don't you go lie down instead? We can go out some other time." Okay wench, but I just said I wanted to go. I know I may look tired, but I've been looking like this for months! I don't get excused from doing the shitty stuff in my life, why would I pass up something mildy amusing, eh? So let's get crackin'!

Or my husband would say "Why don't you have a piece of fruit instead of another slice of pizza?" Because fool, this alien that is kicking the shit out of the insides of my ribs and making me pee every 5 minutes is demanding an offering of pizza, not a piece of damn fruit! Better yet, can you pass the ranch with that?

The ultimate handling experience is from your bosses though, for sure. "I have this project that really needs to get done asap. I know you're busy but...." Okay, so you know I'm busy, yet you still ask me to finish something you should have done months ago, and my ass only gets a few hours to do it? Gee, thanks. And by the way, I'm going to steal your job soon, fool. (Luckily for me, this happened much more at my past job).

My current boss is the opposite end of it. "Well Aletta, I don't want you to get overwhelmed with work." Look man, I'm asking for something to do, begging for more work and you deny me? What is this? I'm sick of surfing the 'net 6 hours a day, or reading manuals on programs that I already know front to back, please, please, please give me something to do! I'll make mail-in packets, or sort papers, or lick envelopes, just give me something to do!!!

Okay, one more. You know when you're going to eat with people, and you haven't decided where yet? "I don't care, where do you want to go?" Back and forth, and it's so much worse when you go out with a group of people. Well, it's not exactly handling, per se, but that shit drives me crazy. When I say I don't care, I really don't care. If I give you two options and you still can't decide, I'm liable to kick your indecisive ass outta my car (or yours, no matter) go get my lunch, and bring you back something.

Happy Friday Everyone!!