Balance

"What's the most important thing to your life?"

I went to a workshop at work the other day, some no-shit-Shirlock seminar on how perception and communication affect stress levels. I don't think I learned anything new, but I did get a refresher on some ideas to lower my stress level at work, and validation that it isn't always the best idea to become friends with people you work with. As opposed to friendly, of course.

One of the questions the facilitator asked towards the end was the one above. My first answer was family, until he clarified it's not asking what's most important in your life, but rather what one thing could you filter all your decisions through to make your life better.

I'm a Gemini. It's probably pretty obvious to those who know about the signs, and I blame my mood swings on the Zodiac. And in that same vein, I'm thinking that balance is probably the most important thing to my life.

I have a tendency to go to extremes. I get obsessive about things, albeit sometimes for quite a short amount of time, like exercising. Or quitting smoking. Or being a "good" mom. And I don't think that's healthy. I mean, I know it's not healthy, but it feels like something I don't have a lot of control over.

And I'm not making a new resolution. I've got enough of those, but I'm going to try to start filtering my decisions, when I remember what's most important to my life, by thinking about balance.

For example. I haven't been at my most social in the past year or so, partly because of being pregnant and a new mom, but also because I've just been feeling kind of depressed and shitty about myself in regards to my complete lack of social skills and my imperfect marriage. Two things come up when I think about this. First, I've been holding so much inside about how I'm feeling that until recently, most of the people I am close to had no idea I was feeling like this. And second, I've been a hermit because I'm scared to leave Taryn, but a couple times I did drink since she's been born I was ... how did Brandon put it once? Incoherent, I believe he said. And only when I knew P would be sober, but at the same time I feel like if I didn't have the urge to go from one extreme to the other, from super-reliable mommy to drunk-off-my-ass and irresponsible, I might be happier about my situation.

My point being, these manic swings in mood and responsibility level aren't healthy. And cycling between them so fast that I don't ever find resolution with the feelings I'm having is making things worse. So I'll try. I am trying, I mean.

My mom mentioned something the other day, that if I can accept my own faults, I'll be better able to accept Taryn's. My first reaction was that I do accept hers. She's perfect how she is, and how she'll be, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if she grows up to be like me (a "typical" gemini, I mean), how will I reconcile that? How can I hate a trait in myself, and feel okay that she has the same quirk? That disconnect is something I need to work on, and I agree that when I learn to be okay with not being perfect, I'll be happier and more content with my life.

Because only one person in the world can be perfect, right? And since Taryn is that one person, I guess I'm shit-out-of-luck.