Stuck

Taryn was crying a little while ago, and while I usually don't go in at this time of night she was a bit more hysterical than normal so I popped my head in and found her standing with the crib rails in a death-crip. Seems like she was able to pull herself up, but couldn't figure out how to get back down.

*****

In a similar way, I'm feeling stuck in my own life. I feel like I've put some much time and enegy into some specific friendships, and as much as I just want to bail, I can't figure out how to do it.

I'm pissed at myself about my choice of friends. I'm pissed I didn't see some of them for who they were until it was too late. And while I could always just let go of the friendships, I'm not one to cultivate too many at the same time, and I'm scared to be left alone.

I'm scared of having no one to call when the shit hits the fan, because the people left in my circle have their own lives and their own issues, and I've got a whole boatload of issues all to myself that I don't want to have to give a backstory on before I can rant.

I'm scared of being lonely and making Taryn so much the focus of my life that I screw up hers.

I'm scared of feeling like a loser because I don't have anyone at all.

And I'm also scared to keep these relationships going when I know they aren't good for me, and I know they make me feel like shit but I keep them around, and what in the fuck does that say about me?