Directly Proportionate to Success

For the past few years, P has been in a slump. My thought was maybe there was some depression floating around that he wasn't willing to recognize, and I tried to support him in doing what makes him feel better, like going to the gym, taking up hobbies, or going back to school. But along with the depression was a serious lack of motivation. A few weeks to a few months after starting something, he'd revert back to his work, eat, watch TV, sleep routine.

Eventually he did admit that he might be depressed, and though he was adamant about not seeing a therapist, not taking medication, I think his recognition of a possible cause to the feelings he was having allowed him to open up a bit more to the suggestions that I was making. So we started looking for a new job for him.

P is very loyal to his company, and though he wanted to work in a new capacity, his hope was to stay at that particular company. We tried applying for him at the County, however, due to benefits and commute issues, and he was super-successful in the testing and interviewing for this particular position, but when it came down to a choice between him and a female candidate, they took the female. It made sense to us. The department he was interviewing for did focus on women a lot, but all the same he fell into a slump, got very discouraged about applying for any more jobs, and we decided maybe he should focus on going back to school.

He did a lot of research on colleges, and decided on Cal State East Bay, where he could get his degree in computer something-or-other in 6 years. We looked into different loan options so that he could just work part-time and go to school full time, and though I wasn't stoked about living the next chapter of my life hand-to-mouth, I threw my heart into supporting him and backing him on whatever decision he made, as long as he stayed motivated.

Sound familiar? Yeah, it was a week or so after this decision, and two weeks before I could get an appointment to see my OB, that I got pregnant.

So, fuck. He threw this shit in my face whenever he would get drunk, that he wanted to go back to school but because I got pregnant, he couldn't do that anymore. I had to remind him over and over and over that I hadn't had sex with myself. And that everything happens for a reason.

It was really hard in the beginning, thinking about how we were going to keep being upwardly mobile while having a baby. Thinking how in the hell we would afford being parents, when we barely had enough for ourselves. I think he was secretly pleased he didn't have to go back to school, seeing as he wasn't quite as education-minded as I was, he knew he couldn't work full-time and go to school full-time like I had, especially with a baby on the way.

After the beginning of the new year, we decided he should probably keep applying for jobs. At first, he applied everywhere, but didn't get an interview, probably due to his lack of formal education. As my belly grew, we realized that he couldn't leave his company, due to me and the baby needing to be on his medical benefits while I was off work, and so he focused on a promotion at the same job.

It was a rough time. I was saving every last penny I could for my maternity leave, so we didn't have much extra for eating out or going places. I spent a lot of time shopping for second-hand furniture for Taryn's room, figuring out budgets so I could stay out for a full 6 months, exercising to try to get myself in shape for labor, and of course sleeping. A lot. Our relationship suffered. I was so focused on the baby, I forgot my husband needed nurturing too. He was so focused on providing for his family that he couldn't get excited for the baby. I don't think it was real for him, even when I was so huge we couldn't lay on the couch together and watch a movie anymore, even when he would feel her kick and move around. It wasn't real until a couple weeks before she was born I had a third ultrasound to make sure she was growing okay, and he got to see her little legs kicking around, and her heart beating.

And after Taryn was born, we were so focused on getting her situated in this new foreign world and were so sleep deprived that he didn't look for work like we had planned while he was on his paternity leave. So he had to stumble back to the same job with the same pay and more worries while I was at home taking care of Taryn for months. And months.

And finally! After more than a year of looking for work, he was hired for a new position in the Company. A job that didn't give him a raise, but was closer to home, and something he enjoyed doing. And finally! He started coming out of the slump that had lasted the last few years.

We started talking more. And having sex more. Cooking together, and reading together, and taking Taryn out on the weekends to visit friends and family. He was finally feeling that he had acheived something. And he really had. He was able to find a job that he enjoyed, with some awesome co-workers, and started making comissions on his closings. He even told me he enjoyed the job so much he would take a pay-cut to stay there. Without any education.

And a lot of people knocked him for not going back to school. For not taking a second job when Taryn was born so that I could stay home longer with her. In general for not doing what they expected of him, like he was their little pawn or something. And for a while, I thought him working more might be a good idea too, but when I saw how his eyes light up when he sees his baby girl, and how he gets so excited telling me about his day at work, I know we made the right decision.

And things are still rough, sometimes. We don't have as much extra income as a lot of our friends, so we can't go out as much or buy as much as them. We have a lot more credit card debt than I would like, and we do still argue sometimes about the division of labor around the house now that we're both working, but we've got so much going for us right now, it sometimes amazes me to look back at where we were 5 years ago: newly married, working minimum wage jobs, living with my mom.

And now? We've got 5 years of marriage behind us, we own our home, we both have good jobs (even if they are good for different reasons), we have a beautiful baby girl, a live-in au pair, and we're happy. We fit together and this life fits us.

I'm not really sure where this post came from today. It's Easter, and I'm feeling grateful for our blessings. We've worked our asses off the last 5 years, on our jobs, on our relationship, and our happiness right now is directly proportionate to our success in everything that we've striven for.

Happy Easter!