Higher Ups

I have issues with authority.

Not in the traditional sense of the phrase. I am perectly content to take orders from a superior, as long as I am being justly compensated for my compliance. Which rules out Subway, Mervyns and MHN. And school.

In social settings though, I have issues with interacting with people I feel are superior to me in one way or another. Maybe superior isn't the right word, but people who are in an age, class, or employment position higher than myself make me uneasy. And it's not that I don't see them as people, it's more that I get super self-conscious of how I am being perceived by them.

I know I'm young, and black, and a woman. But I'm also a wife and a mother, a college-educated adult who can really hold my own against other people, but for some reason when I'm with those "other people" I get ashamed of who I am. I should have more education, or own a bigger house, or make a larger salary. And it pisses me off that I can't blame this on someone else, that I have to take responsibility for my own lack of self-esteem. Or really the way I hide my self esteem when I'm around other people so that I'm not challenged or put on the spot. It's easier to blend into the background than to have to constantly defend myself.

I had to tell a supervisor today that a client was pissed at me. It wasn't my fault, and I knew this client was just being the squaky wheel, hoping for some oil but the fact that this client had already called my supervisor to get me to process her case faster made me really anxious about talking to her. And my supervisor was already irritated by this client, and I know it wasn't about me, and I can look back and see she was dealing with other things, but the energy I felt from her when I went to interrupt her in a "meeting" made me want to shrivel up and die. And later I could see the humor of the situation, and I think I played it off well enough to mask my dread at that moment, but fuck man.

I don't know why I get like that. I don't know why my mouth goes dry and I start sweating when I have to approach a "superior." I do know that it's mental. Because when I feel like an equal, all this shit is gone. When I feel equal and comfortable, I'm myself. But I turn into this meek, nervous part of me when I have to deal with the higher-ups.

So fuck. No point here. Just to get it out..