Conflicted

Once again, it's the back and forth that's getting to me. Not in a bad way, I feel okay today, but I'm torn. Again.

In some moments, I want to go out and get the nice things. I'm not a splurger, but I'm sick of the shoddy-quality stuff that I have been filling my life up with. I feel like I deserve a quality pair of shoes once in a while instead of the Payless plastic shoes I've been wearing most my life. At the same time that I am about to buy an adorable, quality made, slightly more expensive than normal but Yay! On sale! pair of shoes, I second guess my reasons for buying them.

Is it because I want to compete with someone?

Am I shopping because I'm not happy with my life in that moment?

Or am I buying them, really, because my other black sneakers (that I bought at Payless) have a hole in them and anyway, I haven't gotten new black sneaks in close to 5 years?

I'd like to think I'm buying out of necessity, but a part of me does feel shitty about where I am financially. But like I've said, my debt seems manageable. My husband's does not, and that stresses me out. I don't want to be the poor-kid on the block, so maybe if I buy nice sneaks I can pretend that I'm not. Right?

And then it always pops up in my mind that, "Hey, if I get another pair of cheap kicks at Payless, then I can go buy that (toy, outfit, etc) for Taryn with the rest of the money." But I can't live like that. I love buying her stuff, but I don't want to spoil her, and I don't want to resent her down the line for having everything new and shiny and I've got my 5-year old plastic shoes still.

I have the same dilemma-mind-trip going on about going out. I want to go have fun. But the things that I want to do, I don't have people to do with me. I'm over the clubbing thing, I'd much prefer to go out to a park with the kids, or have coffee with a girlfriend, or go out to dinner with the ladies. But my friends aren't in the same place. So while I'm up at 6am to have coffee and blog and play with Taryn, they are just stumbling home from the bar. And if that's what makes them happy, I'm all for them having their nightlife. I guess I just prefer to hang out during the day and sleep at night.

I know, I'm old. But I don't want to pretend that the whole bar/club scene is my thing when its not. Once in a while is cool, but I'm just not into it anymore. I feel like I'm clubbed-out, and I guess it's my loss for getting it out of my system while I was in high school.

I think I'm hoping for too much, too soon, and with too little offort. I need to work on my anxiety in public, about getting to know new people, and maybe use T-Boog as a crutch. I mean, what better way to get to know more Mommies my age, than to bring T-Boog around with me?

Anyway, I'm just feeling conflicted today. Like pretty much every other day. But I'm stoked because I'm registering Taryn for gymnastics over the summer, and I know she's going to love it. Especially now that she's almost walking, I think it'll help with her balance and getting a feel for her own body. And I'm going to make it a personal goal this summer to bring her to the pool at least twice a month, so she can get used to water, and hopefully she'll love swimming as much as I do.