Ms. Independent

Time and again I've teetered on the brink of despair. Time and again, I've been violently flung over the edge, falling blindly and helplessly into this never-ending pit of despair. A hard, black, soul-crushing journey, my body beaten up on the way down, hitting every last regret, every sorrow, every unfulfilled wish, and time and again I've managed to eventually find one thing to cling to. One tiny thread of hope that I can dig my nails into and climb back out again, never fully reaching the top, but always so close I can breathe in the sweet scent of happiness, before I am ruthlessly tossed again to face the impending death of my psyche that has yet to occur.

And each time, I realize that I have to make my own happiness. I need to re-discover myself. I started this blog to do just that a couple years ago when I was sure it was the last time. Curled up in the fetal position in bed, the blankets covering my head, my mind drifting away from inhaling too much of my own carbon dioxide, wishing for a quick end to the misery but knowing all along I have so much left to do. My body wracked by alternating shivers and body-drenching sweats from a psychologically induced physical illness I knew that I was creating the madness in my life that I longed to get rid of, but clung desperately to.

Every time I am disappointed to tears, every time I know, and write, that I need to get out. I need to un-stick myself from this shoddy excuse for being miserable, grab life by the balls and BE ME! But I feel so helpless in the face of what I've envisioned, because as lofty as my goals for personal exploration and re-invention are, I don't know how.

I despise the fact that I have become so dependant on him. I always prided myself on being self-sufficuent, on putting myself through college by working full-time, and appreciating the help and support I received from friends and family, but still able to claim these accomplishments as my own. And at some point I took being married too far. I love P madly, but about 3 years ago, I stopped loving myself so that I could love him more.

And where has it gotten me? I'm fucking miserable half the time. I'm almost always depressed and anxious. My joy is my daughter, but I'm scared shitless to put that burden on her, for fear it will influence her way of being and maybe she'll turn out like me. She is my life, and even now, this morning, when I'm normally happy to be up with her at 5am, to have a little cuddle time while she nurses, feed her some cereal, then sit on the floor for a hour drinking my coffee while we play with her toys before her next nap. Today, I couldn't do it. I nursed her in bed, then handed her to her father, turned my back to them both and cried myself back to sleep.

So. Screw all those other resolutions. If I can't get my mind right, I can't do anything else. Five months into the year, and I don't feel any better about myself. There is a trainer a my job who posts a question at each sesison, "What is the most important thing to your life?" Not what is most important in your life, but what one thing could you filter all your decisions through to make the best ones for yourself. I always said happiness, but I'm realizing that I don't exactly know what makes me happy. I don't know myself, and I can't decide what is going to make me happy and content until I figure out who in the fuck I am, what I like, what makes me happy.

I'm going for SELF-SUFFICIENCY. I don't know how to be independent anymore, I don't know how to be happy, but I think that if I can be self-sufficient, if I can develop myself outside of being a wife and a mother, figure out who I am, what I enjoy, and do it them maybe I can be happy and independent, and mentally healthy.

And anyone who wants to join me, please, I can use all the support I can find. If I'm being co-dependent, call me on it. If I'm hiding out because I'm depressed, point it out. I'll probably be pissed off to get called out, but I'll appreciate it in a few years when I am able to get my shit together and look back and see how far I've come.

And now, I'm off to hike with Taryn. These walls are closing in on me, and I need to take some initiative to get the fuck outta here.