Oxymoron

Am I the only one that thinks the phrase "Constructive Criticism" is kind of stupid? I mean, if it's really constructive, why is is called criticism? Why not feedback, or analysis or something? It may very well be me, myself and I who have a negative connotation of the word criticism, but it just seems so ... critical.

So forgive me for not taking it well. I don't think I get all bristly-like, and jump down your throat instead of taking the finer points of the statement as advice and the rest with a grain of salt (another stupid-saying, if you ask me. But who's asking, right?). I do, however, feel the need to explain myself, and I think that comes off as being ungrateful and rude, even if my intention is a bit more mellow.

A lot of my problems in life come from that fact that I want to be understood, and simply am not. I can't get over the fact that people don't get me. I like to think it's because I have such a dynamic personality, it's hard to grasp that so many conflicting ideas and emotions and actions can be contained in one person. But let's be honest, maybe the truth is I've swayed a little further than I'd like to believe in the direction of Crazy than most folks, which makes my ramblings harder to follow. But crazy is a mindstate, no? I prefer eccentric, or unconventional personally, and therein lies another problem. I have a very hard time labelling myself independently. I tend to see myself through dark-grey glasses, the same ones I imagine other people see me through.

Back to crazy and criticisms in a minute, I just have to say I was royally pissed off when my mom told me a friend of hers was disappointed in me. For acting my age. What? Just because most of my life I have been more mature than other folks of a comparable age (like said friend's own daughter) does not mean that when I act my age I am a disappointment. It means I was a fucking kid.

Back to the topic of ... yes, criticism. I have the tendency to want to explain my actions, because I hate for people to be disappointed in me (thanks Catherine!) almost as much as I hate to be disappointed. But then I tend to get flustered when I feel the urge to explain myself which is, I can imagine, not a pretty sight. So between the mumbling and stutters (as least I have the sweaty pits under control...go me!), and I tend to speak how I write which is not exactly linear, though very logical if I can get it out, I think I not only freak people out, I also seem very defensive.

And I'm not, really. I just want you to know I'm not a dumbass. Though I may look like one trying to explain that I'm not, really, I promise, am quite intelligent. At least on paper. And I don't want people to think I'm making excuses for things that I could have handled but didn't, like if a client drops in with a contagious disease that is eating away his vision and his livelihood, since he's a cab-driver and he's supposed to take 5 pills per day and ran out and needs to get a re-fill like, now? And then when I let you know he dropped in and is downstairs waiting for his card because his GA worker told him that I had already granted benfits when I hadn't really, and then you tell me to leave the case on you desk next time, instead of your "grant pile" so you can get to it right away? See in that situation, I want to explain it all, and I end up looking like the freak. Which I'm okay with mostly, but this time? Not so much. I wasn't being irresponsible, it isn't my fault you have to do this RIGHT NOW, and it's vitally important to me that you know that. For no particular reason, really, just that I want to pretend that in at least one realm of my life, I have my shit together. And I was hoping it was this one, and on the inside I do, but maybe it doesn't look like that on the outside, ya dig?

And another thing. Crticism, no matter what kind it is, constructive or not, the shit hurts. And I've got a tough facade, but really, I'm a very tender person. So between the Hurt and the Fluster, the Explaining probably comes out a little hysterical. Which is not good for business.

That's all. Thanks for reading.