Thank Goodness for the Ego

And I mean that in a wholly Freudian sense of the word.

I haven't blogged in almost two weeks, which could be construed as me doing very well emotionally, as I tend to blog when I have something I need to get out. I wish I could say that was true, but really, I've been dealing with so much lately, the most difficult being my Id trying to kick the ass of my Super-ego, that I figured it was safer not to write anything public.

I'm not a control freak, I just have a super-strong Super-ego. But these past couple weeks, I've wanted to just say fuck-all to everyone and leave me alone. I know part of it is being sick. And part of it is not sleeping well because the creepy fucking blue light in our room, and Boogie being up every couple hours with a 102 fever and a runny nose. Tygir has something wrong with her hip, so I'm contemplating medical bills up the yang, and really? Nanny, I'm not your fucking mother.

I know I've taken on a lot, and I don't want to deal with it anymore. I wish, for one short period in my life, that someone else would just deal with everything for me so I can focus on what's really important. I don't want to be the gagged confidant right now. I don't want the frustration of my solicited opinions being constantly ignored. I don't want to cook and clean, walk the dogs, or even shower. I just want to take care of my baby the way I know she needs it.

I'm feeling very judgmental at the moment. I don't agree with what you are doing, but I don't even have the energy to tell you that. It's easier for me to shut-up and listen, then you'll stop talking about yourself and maybe give a damn about my well-being for a moment. Even writing that, I can see the repercussions coming, the questions, the anger... But what to do? It applies to everyone I'm in contact with lately, my boss, my coworkers, clients and friends. No one specific, just everyone. And it's obviously me, because my head isn't big enough to think I'm in the center of some elaborate conspiracy to make me feel shitty.

So don't take it personally if you start yacking and my eyes glaze over. I just don't have the energy to deal with your stuff right now. I don't have the energy to be caring and sympathetic. I only have enough to take care of me and Boogie right now, and ah! A jolt of maturity and wisdom... That's all I'm going to try to do.