Last Will and Testament

Lat weekend P and I wrote out our wills in anticipation of spending 3 weeks in a foreign country wrought with violence and political upheaval. Well really, I wrote the wills, and our impending trip was more of a very definite deadline that I could set for myself and not procrastinate past. Because I love putting things off. Especially things that make me contemplate my future demise and the impact it will have on my Boogie.

Most of the will was easy since our main concern is to make sure Boogie is provided for financially if we die. It was harder to decide on guardianship. Nonny is a shoe-in, there was no question there. Nobody shares my parenting goals like she does, and nobody besides her Papa and I love her as much as her Nonny does. But then we decided that in the twenty-billion to one chance that she can't take Boogie, we should have a second alternate.

Just in case.

And this is where we ran into trouble. We wanted someone who already had kids, because I don't want anyone for a second to regret "having" to take her. We didn't want to stifle anyone's youth, and we don't want Boogie raised as an only child either. But we also didn't want her to be placed with anyone who doesn't have legal status here, because not only would they not be guaranteed to take care of her, they also would not be legally able to manage any property we left her.

I was a hard choice, but we made it. And we asked my brother to be involved with her, as property guardian, but not her physical guardian.

And I thought he would be okay with that. I thought that he would feel relieved that we didn't ask him to be her guardian, but he was pissed. He said that if Me, P and Nonny couldn't take care of her, wouldn't he be the logical choice?

And I told him I was happy to hear he was willing to take her, but left it at that. Because we already signed and notarized the wills. Which might be screwed up, but how do you tell your brother that you don't want him to raise your child? Am I a bad person for saying that?

The truth is, I don't think he has the experience, patience, or desire for self-improvement to raise a little girl by himself. If he had his own kid, I may feel differently, but P and I agreed almost instantly that he was definitely not the one. I love my brother with all my heart, but he's too harsh, too judgemental, too stuck in his own ways to raise my daughter to be the kind of person I know she will be, with enough nurturing and compassionate direction. I know there would be no lack of love, he adores her, that is evident. But he and I don't see even close to eye to eye on parenting styles, and although I want him in her life, I don't want him to be the major influence on her growing up.

And I feel awful for saying this. But one of the things we had to face in writing our wills is that we had to put family ties, allegiances and friendships aside in order to decide the best alternative parents for her. And I feel good that we made the right decisions because there was hardly any discussion. We both already knew in our hearts who the best people for the job were, and I pray that there are no long-lasting grievances from this, but we had to do what we felt was best for our daughter, even if some people will not be very happy about it.

It's a huge relief to get this all out. I know people are going to be hurt, and I am so sorry, but when I became a mother, my priorities shifted and Boogie is all I am concerned about. We couldn't go against our instincts to preserve someone else's expectations, because if any situation in my life called for a firm resolution, this is it.