Failure as a Mother

She won't eat.

We get her up for breakfast, and she'll grub on some oatmeal. Later on for a snack, she has no problem chewing down on some cheese and crackers. For lunch? Maybe some pasta or rice and chicken, carrots or corn, a piece of bread. Throughout the day, fruit, crackers, maybe some milk, and water.

It seems okay to me, but she's not growing. She won't eat dinner. She'll sit in her highchair and take a few bites, then throw it to the dogs. I know she's hungry, but it seems like she's just not interested in eating. She'll eat some things without fail: corn, blueberries, bagels, cheese... but everything else is hit-and-miss.

Tonight I cooked her some chicken, and while I was doing that, she had her corn. Then I gave her some potato, and she would only eat a tiny bit. Threw her chicken without a taste, and after I tricked her into tasting the sweet potatoes, she ate a few tablespoons. I knew she wanted to eat, she told me, but she refused to, screaming and thrashing around until I had to let her out of her seat before she hurt herself.

I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I can't feed my own child. She's 31" tall and 4oz short of 20lbs. She's gained a pound in 6 months. And yes, she's been sick, but I'm scared. I'm terrified of the thought that maybe she is failing to gain weight because of something I'm doing wrong. Or not doing at all. And I want to quit my job so I can stay home with her and see exactly how much she's eating, and make sure I prepare her food exactly how it should be... but it was the same thing in Paraguay.

She just won't eat.

And I refuse to preordain an eating disorder, where she's purposely not eating to assert control over her life. I can't do that, but I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck. I don't think anyone understands. Who has this problem? People complain about sleep issues and potty training, but I have rarely heard of someone whose kid just refuses to eat. Oatmeal for dinner 2 nights in a row, because that is all she'll let me feed her. And I'm scared to do the "if she's hungry, she'll eat" thing, because she IS hungry, and she's still NOT eating!

I know I've been a bit stressed. The trip was stressful, P and I have not exactly been fighting, but there's been some tension, the holidays, everything is maybe contributing, and I keep thinking it will get better ... I always think everything has to eventually get better ... but what if that isn't the case this time? What if at her next appointment the Doc says she's got FTT, and I'm a failure as a mother?

What if this is all somehow my fault?