There is a reason I don;t let Boogie watch mainstream TV. Some people think I'm overly strict, some think I'm just weird, but I know how impressionable little kids are. I know how impressionable even adults are, and I didn't want to subject my angel to any self-criticism at such a tender age. Think she's too young? Think again....
Last night, as I was cleaning up after dinner, P put MTV on so Boogie could listen to music and dance to wear herself out before her bath. She watched a couple videos, and we watched her, laughing along as she shook her little diaper-clad bottom, hands on her hips or twirling in the air above her head.
She was having a great time, but suddenly stopped and picked up a whiffle ball and a small fist-sized basketball that were lying near her feet. She had been watching a Fergie video, which was sexual, but not overly revealing, in my mind. Boogie, my sweet, perfect, two-year-old Angel put the balls up her shirt like fake chi-chi's and started dancing again! She even stood up on the bench of her table, imitating the girls dancing on the tables in the videos.
OMG!
When they started to slip, she asked me for help, and I had to pick her up and tell her she was perfect just the way she was, then insisted we go take her bath and stop dancing. Because really? I'm a bit disturbed that my 2 year old notices all the women on TV have their boobs hanging out, and is trying to make hers bigger.
Showing posts with label freaking out. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freaking out. Show all posts
July 14, 2008
December 27, 2007
Failure as a Mother
She won't eat.
We get her up for breakfast, and she'll grub on some oatmeal. Later on for a snack, she has no problem chewing down on some cheese and crackers. For lunch? Maybe some pasta or rice and chicken, carrots or corn, a piece of bread. Throughout the day, fruit, crackers, maybe some milk, and water.
It seems okay to me, but she's not growing. She won't eat dinner. She'll sit in her highchair and take a few bites, then throw it to the dogs. I know she's hungry, but it seems like she's just not interested in eating. She'll eat some things without fail: corn, blueberries, bagels, cheese... but everything else is hit-and-miss.
Tonight I cooked her some chicken, and while I was doing that, she had her corn. Then I gave her some potato, and she would only eat a tiny bit. Threw her chicken without a taste, and after I tricked her into tasting the sweet potatoes, she ate a few tablespoons. I knew she wanted to eat, she told me, but she refused to, screaming and thrashing around until I had to let her out of her seat before she hurt herself.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I can't feed my own child. She's 31" tall and 4oz short of 20lbs. She's gained a pound in 6 months. And yes, she's been sick, but I'm scared. I'm terrified of the thought that maybe she is failing to gain weight because of something I'm doing wrong. Or not doing at all. And I want to quit my job so I can stay home with her and see exactly how much she's eating, and make sure I prepare her food exactly how it should be... but it was the same thing in Paraguay.
She just won't eat.
And I refuse to preordain an eating disorder, where she's purposely not eating to assert control over her life. I can't do that, but I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck. I don't think anyone understands. Who has this problem? People complain about sleep issues and potty training, but I have rarely heard of someone whose kid just refuses to eat. Oatmeal for dinner 2 nights in a row, because that is all she'll let me feed her. And I'm scared to do the "if she's hungry, she'll eat" thing, because she IS hungry, and she's still NOT eating!
I know I've been a bit stressed. The trip was stressful, P and I have not exactly been fighting, but there's been some tension, the holidays, everything is maybe contributing, and I keep thinking it will get better ... I always think everything has to eventually get better ... but what if that isn't the case this time? What if at her next appointment the Doc says she's got FTT, and I'm a failure as a mother?
What if this is all somehow my fault?
We get her up for breakfast, and she'll grub on some oatmeal. Later on for a snack, she has no problem chewing down on some cheese and crackers. For lunch? Maybe some pasta or rice and chicken, carrots or corn, a piece of bread. Throughout the day, fruit, crackers, maybe some milk, and water.
It seems okay to me, but she's not growing. She won't eat dinner. She'll sit in her highchair and take a few bites, then throw it to the dogs. I know she's hungry, but it seems like she's just not interested in eating. She'll eat some things without fail: corn, blueberries, bagels, cheese... but everything else is hit-and-miss.
Tonight I cooked her some chicken, and while I was doing that, she had her corn. Then I gave her some potato, and she would only eat a tiny bit. Threw her chicken without a taste, and after I tricked her into tasting the sweet potatoes, she ate a few tablespoons. I knew she wanted to eat, she told me, but she refused to, screaming and thrashing around until I had to let her out of her seat before she hurt herself.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with the fact that I can't feed my own child. She's 31" tall and 4oz short of 20lbs. She's gained a pound in 6 months. And yes, she's been sick, but I'm scared. I'm terrified of the thought that maybe she is failing to gain weight because of something I'm doing wrong. Or not doing at all. And I want to quit my job so I can stay home with her and see exactly how much she's eating, and make sure I prepare her food exactly how it should be... but it was the same thing in Paraguay.
She just won't eat.
And I refuse to preordain an eating disorder, where she's purposely not eating to assert control over her life. I can't do that, but I don't know what else to do. I'm stuck. I don't think anyone understands. Who has this problem? People complain about sleep issues and potty training, but I have rarely heard of someone whose kid just refuses to eat. Oatmeal for dinner 2 nights in a row, because that is all she'll let me feed her. And I'm scared to do the "if she's hungry, she'll eat" thing, because she IS hungry, and she's still NOT eating!
I know I've been a bit stressed. The trip was stressful, P and I have not exactly been fighting, but there's been some tension, the holidays, everything is maybe contributing, and I keep thinking it will get better ... I always think everything has to eventually get better ... but what if that isn't the case this time? What if at her next appointment the Doc says she's got FTT, and I'm a failure as a mother?
What if this is all somehow my fault?
November 15, 2007
The American Dream
I have always said I don't want to be rich, I just want to be comfortable. I want to go an entire year without worrying about money: how will we pay our bills? How can we pay down our debt? What the hell are we going to do if P doesn't get a job soon?
I don't want to win millions of dollars in the lottery, but I can't say that I'd complain if I won enough to pay off our debts and fund our retirement accounts. I try not to worry about the future too much, I have enough to stress off right now, but this job puts it in perspective. If I don't start saving now, I might be on the other side of the desk in 40 years.
I'm frustrated that it feels like life is one hurdle after another. I don't want to be catching up for the rest of my life. I do dream of a bigger house with a yard, but mostly so that I can get my mind off that fact that we can barely pay our mortgage right now.
I know part of the problem is that we're trying to do too much. We're trying to help friends and family financially, and there is simply not enough to go around right now. We've cut out most of the extras, no new clothes, no eating out, no movies, no clubs, no presents, and it still just isn't enough. We're trying to be understading of other people who think they are in a similar position, but we see what their money is spent on, and for us, it's not even an option. And it's frustrating to hear people complain about how broke they are when they are sporting new clothes or whatever.
We're trying to be understanding, we really are. But we are thisclose to losing it all. And the only person who can really understand this is P, because he can see what we are missing.
I can see the silver lining though. We are bonding over our anxiety. We sit and talk about what we'd do if we have a million dollars, and it's a pipe-dream, but it takes us out of the misery of the present. We discuss what is really important to us: do we save for retirement, or for Taryn's school fund? And it's kind of scary that we haven't been this deep on certain issues before, but it always happens at the right time.
And I know it will be okay. Eventually, things will turn up again, I just feel like I can't catch a break right now, and it's depressing. Even when I win, I lose. I am grateful that we are all healthy right now, we have enough food, we have a place to live, we're going to visit family and at least for those few weeks we are gone, we won't have to worry about how far we are from the American Dream.
I don't want to win millions of dollars in the lottery, but I can't say that I'd complain if I won enough to pay off our debts and fund our retirement accounts. I try not to worry about the future too much, I have enough to stress off right now, but this job puts it in perspective. If I don't start saving now, I might be on the other side of the desk in 40 years.
I'm frustrated that it feels like life is one hurdle after another. I don't want to be catching up for the rest of my life. I do dream of a bigger house with a yard, but mostly so that I can get my mind off that fact that we can barely pay our mortgage right now.
I know part of the problem is that we're trying to do too much. We're trying to help friends and family financially, and there is simply not enough to go around right now. We've cut out most of the extras, no new clothes, no eating out, no movies, no clubs, no presents, and it still just isn't enough. We're trying to be understading of other people who think they are in a similar position, but we see what their money is spent on, and for us, it's not even an option. And it's frustrating to hear people complain about how broke they are when they are sporting new clothes or whatever.
We're trying to be understanding, we really are. But we are thisclose to losing it all. And the only person who can really understand this is P, because he can see what we are missing.
I can see the silver lining though. We are bonding over our anxiety. We sit and talk about what we'd do if we have a million dollars, and it's a pipe-dream, but it takes us out of the misery of the present. We discuss what is really important to us: do we save for retirement, or for Taryn's school fund? And it's kind of scary that we haven't been this deep on certain issues before, but it always happens at the right time.
And I know it will be okay. Eventually, things will turn up again, I just feel like I can't catch a break right now, and it's depressing. Even when I win, I lose. I am grateful that we are all healthy right now, we have enough food, we have a place to live, we're going to visit family and at least for those few weeks we are gone, we won't have to worry about how far we are from the American Dream.
August 23, 2007
Psychosomatic
I feel sick.
My neck hurts, my stomach is upset, my throat is sore with the dry coughing and I’m irritable.…
I thought maybe I caught a bug somewhere, but when I called P to ask how he was feeling, he suggested maybe I’m just stressed. I can see that, maybe, considering the circumstances and my lack of control about them, maybe I’m a bit stressed. But I thought I was handling this well. I thought I wasn’t too worried about anything, that money wouldn’t be too much tighter than it is now, but I’m rethinking that idea, and it’s very possible that I’m psycho-somatizing.
Is that even a word?
I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and that gaping chasm in the earth that is my depression feels like it’s going to swallow me whole again. But this time instead of hurling myself over the edge without abandon, I feel like one of those circus-clown bears riding a pink miniature bike with streamers flowing off the handlebars and those clickety-clack beads on the spokes bouncing up and down as I slowly spiral my way into it.
I thought I was handling this well, but I’m scared.
Being faced with possibly losing the house when we already barely have enough cash after bills to pay for food and gas is terrifying. Where would we go? Would our marriage survive a loss like that? We are so far from being content with each other as it is, the stress of worrying more than we already do about money is taking its toll. But I know we’ll have enough, and he’ll find another job soon. At least I think we’ll have enough. We have no savings. I can’t afford insurance for him and if something happened…. We would be screwed.
But I didn’t realize I was so worried about this. The loss of control, and knowing that next week there will be another check is hard. We’ve been hand to mouth for so long I thought we would be comfortable by now, but we’re not. One thing could ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for. It wouldn’t be like this if he listened to me, but part of marriage is letting the other person have a say and this is what happens when he makes financial decisions for us.
I feel awful. I don’t even have the energy to want to read a book and oink out on ice cream, just want to sleep it all away. I really did think I was handling this better, but I guess suppressing the fear and anxiety just makes it manifest in another way.
Damn.
My neck hurts, my stomach is upset, my throat is sore with the dry coughing and I’m irritable.…
I thought maybe I caught a bug somewhere, but when I called P to ask how he was feeling, he suggested maybe I’m just stressed. I can see that, maybe, considering the circumstances and my lack of control about them, maybe I’m a bit stressed. But I thought I was handling this well. I thought I wasn’t too worried about anything, that money wouldn’t be too much tighter than it is now, but I’m rethinking that idea, and it’s very possible that I’m psycho-somatizing.
Is that even a word?
I’ve been feeling really tired lately, and that gaping chasm in the earth that is my depression feels like it’s going to swallow me whole again. But this time instead of hurling myself over the edge without abandon, I feel like one of those circus-clown bears riding a pink miniature bike with streamers flowing off the handlebars and those clickety-clack beads on the spokes bouncing up and down as I slowly spiral my way into it.
I thought I was handling this well, but I’m scared.
Being faced with possibly losing the house when we already barely have enough cash after bills to pay for food and gas is terrifying. Where would we go? Would our marriage survive a loss like that? We are so far from being content with each other as it is, the stress of worrying more than we already do about money is taking its toll. But I know we’ll have enough, and he’ll find another job soon. At least I think we’ll have enough. We have no savings. I can’t afford insurance for him and if something happened…. We would be screwed.
But I didn’t realize I was so worried about this. The loss of control, and knowing that next week there will be another check is hard. We’ve been hand to mouth for so long I thought we would be comfortable by now, but we’re not. One thing could ruin everything we’ve worked so hard for. It wouldn’t be like this if he listened to me, but part of marriage is letting the other person have a say and this is what happens when he makes financial decisions for us.
I feel awful. I don’t even have the energy to want to read a book and oink out on ice cream, just want to sleep it all away. I really did think I was handling this better, but I guess suppressing the fear and anxiety just makes it manifest in another way.
Damn.
April 26, 2007
Going to Hell for a Box of Diapers
I knowingly stole today.
I haven't stolen in years, and I feel so incredibly guilty, it's not even funny.
I was at Target with Taryn, buying food and diapers for her. The cashier-chick rang everything up, and told me my total. I knew she hadn't scanned the diapers, because the total would have been twice as much if she had, and I didn't say anything.
Not a hot damned thing.
And I walked out without telling her she forgot to scan the damned diapers.
I could have gone back in and copped up to it, but I tried to rationalize it on my way to the car.
Didn't work.
So as I was loading everything into the car, I decided to go back in, but Taryn started screaming, and ... fuck. I drove home.
With stolen diapers in my car.
Is an eternity of damnation worth one box of Huggies? Especially when they were on sale?
I haven't stolen in years, and I feel so incredibly guilty, it's not even funny.
I was at Target with Taryn, buying food and diapers for her. The cashier-chick rang everything up, and told me my total. I knew she hadn't scanned the diapers, because the total would have been twice as much if she had, and I didn't say anything.
Not a hot damned thing.
And I walked out without telling her she forgot to scan the damned diapers.
I could have gone back in and copped up to it, but I tried to rationalize it on my way to the car.
Didn't work.
So as I was loading everything into the car, I decided to go back in, but Taryn started screaming, and ... fuck. I drove home.
With stolen diapers in my car.
Is an eternity of damnation worth one box of Huggies? Especially when they were on sale?
February 20, 2007
Different Does Not Mean Bad
I am freaking the fuck out right now.
It hit me about an hour ago that tomorrow will be the first day that T-Boogie is left with a stranger, and I can't handle it.
I tried to bake... still anxious.
I drank a beer... still anxious.
I cried for 20 minutes, took a long hot shower, and gave myself a hand massage...
Still freaking the fuck out.
I just don't know what I was thinking, to trust this Nanny to watch my Angel, I mean, she's a freaking KID. I don't know how I tricked myself into this, but right now, this instant, I'm too freaked out to even go downstairs and tell her the things she needs to know for tomorrow.
So instead, I'm up here blogging.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am so sorry for the language, but my hands are shaking I'm so scared right now. I keep running through my head all the things that could happen, all the things that could go wrong that I would never forgive myself for, and I am just freaking out right now.
It hit me about an hour ago that tomorrow will be the first day that T-Boogie is left with a stranger, and I can't handle it.
I tried to bake... still anxious.
I drank a beer... still anxious.
I cried for 20 minutes, took a long hot shower, and gave myself a hand massage...
Still freaking the fuck out.
I just don't know what I was thinking, to trust this Nanny to watch my Angel, I mean, she's a freaking KID. I don't know how I tricked myself into this, but right now, this instant, I'm too freaked out to even go downstairs and tell her the things she needs to know for tomorrow.
So instead, I'm up here blogging.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I am so sorry for the language, but my hands are shaking I'm so scared right now. I keep running through my head all the things that could happen, all the things that could go wrong that I would never forgive myself for, and I am just freaking out right now.
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