My First Week as a Single Mother

I’ve been trying for a week to put into words how I feel with my husband gone. It seems like talking to different people brings up different emotions for me, which is half-normal, and half weird when I think about all these feelings swirling around at once. I’m hiding a lot here, and yet I’m trying to be honest with myself about all this because I think this is a huge learning experience for me.

The last time P went to Paraguay without me, I gave notice on our apartment and moved back in with my mom. It was only supposed to be for 1 month, but I was 19 and scared to live by myself for the first time.

This time it feels different. I’m not alone. I have Boogie, and Jojo comes home most nights. The dogs are there for “protection” and the kitty for snuggles. But I do feel lonely. I don’t feel like I have someone to talk to who knows me as well as I know myself.

At the same time, I’m relishing the solitude. It’s a very definitive existence being a single mother. I don’t have to clean up after anyone but me and her, I cook whatever I want for dinner. There are no disagreements about whose turn it is to feed her, bathe her, or get up early on Sunday morning. It’s all me. And I love the freedom to know that I don’t have to think about anyone’s schedule but my own.

If I were a single mother, things would not be so easy, I know that. I would have more worries about money, but less at the same time because I’d be in complete control of my own finances. I’d be more stressed when Boogie is sick, because I wouldn’t get a break. But I also think I would have more help. Or at least would be more willing to ask for help.

It maybe sounds awful, but I don’t really feel like I need P for anything besides companionship. And, you know… cookie. I feel like I could do this myself if I had to, and I feel really proud that I’m confident that I could thrive without him. I wonder how it will affect our relationship in the future, that he can’t now throw it in my face that I need him, because I know I don’t. I want him around, and maybe … hopefully … that can make us closer.

I do miss him. My heart aches writing this. But I don’t feel so dependent on him anymore. I hope I can somehow bottle up this feeling for a later date, and whip it out when I feel hopeless, when I wonder why I’m with him, and how life would be without him. I can remember that I’m making a choice to be a part of this marriage. And then I can make the choice to keep working on it.