Undue Influence

Call it an independent streak, but for the most part I don’t do what P tells me to do. Unless I want to.

I used to think that was normal, my Mom didn’t take shit from any man and would tell him to fuck off in a hot second if he crossed an invisible line into None-of-Your-Damn-Business land, same with my aunts and granny, and so I got it honest, yes? But the more I’m around couples, be it married folks or just committed people, I’m starting to think it’s not so normal.

I don’t think it’s bad. I don’t think I could change if I wanted to, because that is how I was before we were married, and I know P resents me when I start getting super dependent on him. Which does happen on occasion when I’m having a hard time, or just feeling needy. But I’ve consciously tried to maintain the mentality that if something happened to him and we weren’t together anymore, I don’t want to be completely alone and helpless. I do get angry when he’s out all night, not because I’m home with the baby, but because I worry about him doing something stupid and getting hurt.

In my mind, he appreciates that he doesn’t have to worry about me. I’m super-self-sufficient, not the type of woman who needs him to fix things for me, or hang a ceiling fan, or wash my car. I don’t do garbage, but I’m okay with being the one outside on a freezing, rainy Sunday morning walking the dogs, or the one who brings in the most money for our bills. But as I write this I’m thinking, maybe I’m projecting? Because I don’t like having to look over his shoulder to make sure he gets his stuff done, reminding him to pay his credit card bill, or to pick up after himself. I appreciate people who can take care of themselves, and though I like being appreciated, I rubs me wrong to be needed. Except by Boogie, of course.

I digress though, maybe a bit? I’ve noticed a lot of women friends of mine lately who have said, “I can’t do X because so-and-so won’t let me,” or something to that effect, and it always stuns me. Because in my mind I’m thinking, “I wish he would tell me not to do something that’s important to me. Let him hear what I really think.” And it’s not that I’m looking for a fight, but I don’t tell him what to do (usually) unless he asks, and even then I’m hesitant to give him the answer. But also, I can’t imagine asking “how high” when he says to jump, although that seems to be more common than I previously imagined.

And really, I suppose it’s just a difference in relationship style. There is inevitably one person who has slightly more authority, and I think I took on that role, partly because of my mastery of the English language, but more importantly because that is how I was raised, to not have to rely on anyone but myself. Not in an isolationist way, but in order to be self-sufficient. But I also know that if I don’t do some thing because P asks me not to, I resent him. Unless there is a good reason for it.

I’m all about open communication, and I am willing to alter my actions if I understand why it might not be the best idea, and I agree. But I’m not giving anyone veto power over my life. I deal with my fair share of tantrums and silent treatment from him, and it irks me. But at the same time I have to stay true to what I need to do, like going out with my friends and not inviting him along, or speaking my mind when something comes up, even if he doesn’t want to hear it.

Maybe I’m overbearing and insensitive? It’s a possibility, but that view could also be based on people’s perception of where women should be in the relationship. I know a lot of people defer because they want to be taken care of, and that’s fine. I don’t agree, and I don’t want to give up a part of myself for a sense of security. Maybe I’m destined to always have a companion and not a soul mate, and that’s okay with me too. I’ve been like this too long to make such a radical change without some hard evidence that it’s the best thing for me.

Call me New Age, but I think it’s about time women had a voice.