Fear

It's hard to really live when you are always afraid of making a mistake.

It's hard to go about normal life, like buying a damn stroller, when you are second guessing yourself all the time.

It's hard to be in relationships when you are always scared of being left, scared of hurting someone, and ultimately scared that maybe you should be somewhere else with someone else, but then again ... what if you shouldn't?

I've been living with persistent fear for a long time, and my solution to that fear was to try to control everything in my power. For a while it seemed like it was working, and then I got married, and had a baby, and the past 2 years have been a series of upheavals for me, a constant stream of information from the Universe that I am not in charge, that I have never been in charge, and that I need to get on board with it.

Okay. I can handle that.

But damn, letting go is so hard! I know some people have trouble being responsible, because thay throw their entire souls into having fun. That's what I need to work on. Letting go, and letting God handle it. Enjoy my time here on Earth, not worry about the house being neat, or the clothes getting folded, or every case off my desk by Friday at 4pm. The world will not stop spinning if I don't buy P's anniversary gift two weeks early, and look! We ran out of milk this morning, and Boogie is still alive!

Okay, enough dramatics, but really. I need to remember that sometimes it's better to have P mess it up the first time, than to do it all myself.