I love tomatoes, and there are some things I refuse to eat without them. Like a roast beef sandwich, it just isn't the same without a fresh sliced tomato on it. Or a salad with bleu cheese dressing.
So normally, those horrible winter weeks when they are $4.99 per pound, I'll either hold off on the foods I love so much, but can't bear without my red little beauties on them, or I'll get desperate and slice up Boogie's organic sweet cherry ones and try to make do.
I didn't win anything, I still haven't won anything. I'm wondering what the lesson is here, that I need to work harder, that the easy life won't just fall in my lap. I've been putting off life for a while now, thinking that once the money troubles are over, then, then! I'll do what I need. Like get my windshield fixed (which, by the way, has been broken for 3 years, and the crack has spread across 90% of the glass. My fear now is that, knowing my luck, it will get hit by yet another rock, and this time it'll shatter while I'm going 70mph on the freeway). Or buy a filing cabinet so I can sort through the boxes and boxes of papers that we have. Maybe buy a headboard for our bed. After 6 years of marriage, we've still never gotten one. And a new black jacket, because the one I have isn't going to last another season.
We've got plans. I've got a huge goal of paying off all my debt by the end of this year. P keeps telling me it will happen, that he'll be giving me money for food, and soon he'll be off my medical, but really, I think I can do it without any extra cash flow, and I want him to focus on paying off his crap too. It just sucks donkey-balls to think of another year of deprivation. My refund check that should be arriving in May? Spent, partly on credit cards, partly things that I've already picked out in my mind. (Just doing my part to keep us out of a recession) And it was mostly on Boogie, a new book shelf and toy box. We needed those, and it's easier to spend money that I don't have on her, than on myself.
It feels like this year will be like those weeks I can't buy tomatoes. Everything feels too expensive in relation to what I have, but I decided this time that I'd rather do without them than sacrifice, say, milk, to get my tomato fix. This year maybe I'll get good at finding free, or cheap things to entertain me and Boogie.
I just keep waiting for things to get easier, and it seems that life is meant to be a struggle. I suppose I can't keep waiting for it, for anything, to get on with my life. Maybe I'll start a list of books I want to read, that I can get at the library. Or start checking out a new park each week with Boogie. Maybe I'll finally be able to find a volunteer opportunity that I want to do, and isn't a conflict of interest. And of course get cracking on that Quiet Book. I was thinking I'll start garage sale-ing to get those things that I need, and want, but can't afford new.
(And **shhhhhhh**) ... I'm hoping P is going to get me a sewing machine for our anniversary. I think that would be so cool, to learn to sew, and make stuff. I'm itching for a creative outlet, and maybe, just maybe, I'll find something I'm really good at, and really enjoy. I just think about all the ideas I see of things to make for Boogie and her little-people friends, and I get so excited! Also, I've discovered that I sort of like ironing. Weird, huh?
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