Three Year Itch

I know it's not right, and I could seriously regret being hasty, but it's killing me to stay here. My whole body is telling to me to do it, but my mind is vainly holding on to the thread of logic... I've made it this long, why not postpone the damage a bit longer? It's like the urge to smoke, I need it, I want it, and the fight against it just makes it that much more appealing. I don't want to make a mistake, but I don't know how long I can resist.

The longest I've lever held a job is 3.5 years. Every few years I get this burning desire to get out, start over, try to find something I truly enjoy doing. This job I have? It's a job. It's never going to be a career for me. Most days I don't mind it, very rarely I actually enjoy it, and sometimes, like today, like the client I'm dealing with now, the system problems, all of it, I just want to throw it all away.

Because my job is dictated by what the boys upstairs call "Rules and Regulations." In other words, a whole bunch of nonsensical policies that are aimed at helping as few people as possible, while maintaining the facade of being a Human Service Agency.

I know blogging about work is a no-no, but lets see this from a constituent's perspective. I have a decently paying job, but I can't afford to pay for health insurance for my family. So I mosey on down to the local welfare office, stand in line, outside in the cold at the ass-crack of dawn for an hour to try to get an appointment. If I'm lucky, I get seen the first day. If I'm a little late, I have to do it all over again the next day, maybe losing pay from work to be there, but knowing the consequences are dire if I don't get help.

So when I finally make it to an intake interview I learn that the only chance I have of getting insurance is to cash out my retirement funds. Because I earn to much for my toddler to get free Medi-Cal, I have to potentially sacrifice my retirement.. just in case. And even then, I'd have to pay thousands of dollars per month that I use the Medi-Cal, because the government doesn't take in to account mortgage payments, and credit card debt, so the income they are using is exponentially higher than what I actually have left over at the end of the month. And I'm not even going to get started on Eligible Student rules.

And yes, I think that some of the supervisors and staff are doing a wonderful job of improving for the clients those things they have control over, but I feel like a hypocrite. How can I talk about how much I want to help people, and I'm in this position with my hands tied behind my back telling people who need help that there is nothing I can do?

Have you ever heard someone roll their eyes over the phone? I did. When I found out that a requirement that we made of pregnant woman was changed 5 years ago, and we never knew about it. A change that would have been beneficial for them, and it desn't happen. But when there is one more hurdle placed in their way, those are snapped into action immediately (which, for public sector means within 2 years).

So this itch, I thought I would have longer, considering I was out on maternity leave for 7 months, but it's here. Now. It's burning. I want to make a difference. I want to love my work. I don't want just a job to pay the bills.