Month Twenty-Three

I was awoken this morning at 5am by the sound of a fussing toddler, not crying, but sort of moaning and sounding very uncomfortable. I tried to go in to get you back to sleep, but after 10 minutes of you peeking up at me through eyes barely closed, and knowing that I would have to be up soon after (and still feeling exhausted and nauseous from the night before) I brought you into bed with Papa and I, and your fuzzy blanket and we slept. I missed so much sleeping with you in the big bed, your soft snores and baby smell, the lavender from your lotion mingling with an over-ripe diaper. Your little hand curled up into a fist beneath my chin and your tiny knobby knees planted firmly in my stomach. The back of your neck was resting on my arm, and even when you started to sweat a bit, you snuggled deeper into the crook of my elbow when I tried to move away.

When you were little, we used to snuggle up for our afternoon naps. By then I was tired too, because your morning and evening naps I would cook, and clean the house while I was home with you, but when I went back to work you stopped sleeping with me except on the weekends, and soon that ended too because you fell madly (and exclusively) in love with sleeping in your crib. But now I know you can sleep with me, and I will take full advantage until your little brother or sister arrives.

Speaking of the little figlet, you have fallen into the most adorable habit this month of kissing each ultrasound picture on the fridge when we go downstairs to get your oatmeal in the morning, then spreading all your fingers wide apart and saying “Two babies!” Or when I’m laying down on the couch reading you a book you’ll pull my shirt up and say “Hi Baby!” You even sing songs to by belly, and rub the forming bulge, stopping every once in a while to give it a kiss. I have no doubt in my mind you will be a fantastic Big Sister. You’ve adopted a stuffed baby doll my aunt sent you who had a double chin and look snot quite right, but you refuse to sleep without her, your “Osie” and your blanket…. For every nap and at night too.

The blanket is getting a bit out of hand though. We had a heat wave this past weekend, it was 80 degrees at 6 am on Friday morning and we went to the Oakland Zoo. Maybe not one of my best ideas, the animals were all so hot they just slept in the shade and we didn’t get to see any lions or bears, and when we got home, dripping with sweat and exhausted at 1pm, you insisted on curling up with your blankie even though an hour later you woke up moaning, your hair drenched in sweat and a huge puddle surrounding your head like a liquid halo. And even then, you asked for your blankie again and went back to sleep. My wish for you is that you find a comfort object that can transition through the seasons, maybe a nice necklace or something that won’t interfere with your sleep, and that you can take out of the house with you when you need it.

I feel like I’m neglecting you lately, I am just so tired and sick it’s hard to get down on the floor to play with you. But then there are those times when you’re sitting with me and we’re just laughing and playing and I look at you and can’t believe that I ever had a part in making such a special little girl. I’ve been told that you love all your children equally, in different ways, but no more or less between them. But sometimes when I look at your smiling face I can’t imagine loving anything in the world more that you. I guess we’ll see, huh?

Happy (day late) 23rd month birthday, my Angel.

I love you,
Mama.