Hi! Just Me Being Bitter Again!

No, no, no. I don't really think I'm a bitter person, just fully aware of my own shortcomings. And I've become aware lately that God has given me these shortcomings so that I can overcome them and become a better person.

Lying in bed last night, I realized that I have every right to be envious of some of the people around me, but I'm just not. I mean, why waste what little energy I have left on being jealous? Especially when I can just learn from these people, because obviously they are in my life for a reason.

Like Teresa. She's got a great sense of style and she's not a size zero. The last month or so of my pregnancy up until now, I have put off buying clothes because I kept thinking I'd get back down to my pre-pregnancy size. And okay, I get it. I'm bigger, and I'm comfortable in my body now, so I might as well put a little bit of effort into getting dressed in the morning. I'm not going to go splurge on a whole new wardrobe, and maybe I'll try to stick to getting big 9's instead of normal 11's, but a couple new pieces every once in a while will get me back into a creative rotation that I've been missing for months.

And then we have Ally, who's been through so much more than I have, and she's still chipper as shit most of the time. She's been able to keep on loving instead of hiding from the world like I did. I used to feel safer not being close to anyone, but I'm realizign how much I've missed out on by being alone and not sharing myself with others. And yeah, I write about it, but really, I need to start opening up more in person, making myself vulnerable and maybe learning something in the process.

Which brings us to the social skills realm which I am abviously lacking. Around people I know or are already comfortable with, I'm a dork, and completely fine with it. But when I get around folks I'm intimidated by, or just plain don't know well enough, I clam up. And I'm still a dork, but then I actually feel embarassed of my dork-i-ness. And I know I shouldn't because that's me, but even knowign that doesn't change the feeling yet. Sometimes. And I have to admire P on this one who came to the US without speaking English, fell in love, and pursued me even when people told him he didnt stand a chance because I was too good for him, and all that bullshit. He was embarassed and ashamed he didn't speak the language, but that didn't stop him from doing what he knew was in his heart.

Um, let's see. Patience? I'm working on it. I really am. I won't even call out a specific person because I think most of the world has more inborn patience than I have on my best day. Seriously. I don't know if I'm getting more patient, but I'm definitely controlling my impatience better. So whatever, it's a start. But, hi Susana! I've told your husband many times that if he was my man, he's be dead in a grave years ago after I smothered him with a pillow. So mad props to you for being able to deal with a "difficult" husband, and two kids, and three lizards....

And then there's all the people in great relationships, which at times seems like everyone but me. I'd admit, P has his good days, if I'm lucky a week, but there's always that thought hanging over my head that it won't last, and that the things he says to me are just too hurtful to ever really fully appreciate when he's being good. And I'm so happy that my friends are with good partners, but it just sucks ass sometimes that I have to live vicariously to experience a functional relationship. I feel like we're stuck at this weird phase, where we haven't been together long enough to really know how to work through big issues without the yelling and crying, but at the same time we've been together long enough that we necessarily have major issues to work through.

And then to top it all off, I haven't gotten my hair cut since I was like 7 months pregnant, and damnit, I've got split ends from the blow dryer, and curling iron, and dyeing it... So yeah, I'm just being bitter right now. Please excuse the crazy woman spitting out the window.