Forgotten

I stumbled off the bed and down the hall as quickly as I dared, gripping Taryn in a vice made stronger by my hurt than any real fear of dropping her. I was trying to get away before the tears started, and though I didn't entirely succeed, his inattention to the situation garnered the same effect.

"Would it make a difference if I told you the truth?"

And then silence.

***

I don't know when it started. I don't recall when I turned from the fun young thing to his boring wife. I still don't see myself in the same light, but I feel my soul being crushed out of me. I feel my heart shriveling up, and my only real joy in life is her. My sweet angel who is too naive to see what a destroyed person I am.

I've lived in this lie for so long that I don't even know how to get back to the truth. I've tried being what he wanted, and I can't figure out why I fall further and further from his graces. I've tried with others too, and maybe I've failed from the effort. Back when I didn't give a shit, when I treated people like shit and did all those things I'm not proud of, back then he loved me. And I was too wrapped up in my own mess to see it, but when I did, and I tried to be a better person to deserve the love, that's when it started to fade away.

***

"What, are you jealous or something?"

He has no idea how close to the truth that is. And it's not jealousy that I want him home with me all the time, it's hurt and anger that I don't get the same attention. He doesn't rush home from work to see me anymore, or tell the boys he can't go out tonight because he and I have a date. He doesn't tell me he loves me with feeling, just the obligatory monotone of people stuck in a routine. Those nights he's home he'd rather sit on his ass watching a movie alone, or drink outside while he's on the phone with some friend or another discussing music or work or school. But not with me.

And all the while I've expressed my needs, and they still go unmet. It's not about me anymore. Even as the mother of his child, that's all I am. Not a friend or confidant, just the woman who cleans his house and takes care of his child.

I'm so heartbroken right now, I don't know what to do. Even when I tell him exactly what I'm feeling, it always turns into something else.

I cried today as I realized that I'm just not important to him anymore. And then it continues as I realize that's the course of my life. I'm a thing of the past. To my husband and my friends...

***

I'm sick of the obligatory shit.

I'm sick of hanging out because we're supposed to. I'm sick of everyone going out with their friends, having fun with each other, and staying home with me. And it's not Taryn's fault. I didn't realize that things were like this before she was born. People used my pregnancy as an excuse to keep me in. They used my pregnancy as an excuse to do their own thing without me, and I don't blame them. I'm a fucking shell of a person right now. I've been putting everyone else's priorities in front of mine. And I don't know how to do anything else, really. I don't want to start over on myself, but evidently I'm going to have to because I can't live like this anymore. I can't be the one who is invited because you feel bad for me sitting at home alone.

***

"You've changed since high school, Aletta."

So yes. Let's be honest here. I am jealous. I'm not a jealous person, but I need love and attention too. I can't survive by myself. I get hurt more than you think, even when I don't show it. I'm angry a lot more than you might think because it doesn't feel safe to let it out.

I'm an introvert, but this life that I've made isn't fulfilling my needs. I need to get out, to explore, to meet new people and go new places. And bring the light of my life with me. I can't be tied down to this house, or this husband anymore. I don't want to be tied down, I want my commitments to be strong because I love them, because the benefits are reciprocated, not because it's routine and expected.

Sounds like this is resolution #5.

***

As he walked back into the house, I could tell he was distressed. Not by the tear-stained cheeks and running mascara, but by the fact that he didn't know how to leave without the situation escalating.

"Do you want something from the store?"

When will he see it's not about food?

... ring .... ring ...

And once again I'm forgotten.