If You're Going to Love, Do it 100%

When P and I were married, I debated whether or not I should take his last name. I have an affinity to my maiden name, Francis, partly becasue I knew how to pronounce it correctly (and I was having doubts how Caballero would sound rolling off my tongue on a daily basis) and partly because it was one of the few things I had of my father, besides the Francis nose.

I remember thinking how much a pain in the ass it would be to get all my documents changed over to a new name, driver's license, social security card, credit cards, bank accounts, school records... and then what if it didn't work out and we were divorced a year later and I had to change them all back?

At some point, I decided that if I wasn't willing to change my name, as a symbol of being married, even though P didn't give a damn since in Latin culture the wife doesn't take her husband's name, I knew that if I dind't it would be a constant reminder of the faith I lacked in our marriage.

And honestly, the first year we talked a lot about getting it anulled but kept delaying and delaying until it was past a year ... and then we talked a lot about divorce. Less, but still frequently enough to regret every once in a while that I had become "his wife." But at the end of every arguement we both realized that we didn't want to split up, we loved each other madly but we just didn't know how to get along.

Fast forward a few more years and I still have to remind myself on almost a daily basis that neither of us are perfect. He's lazy, I've got a short temper. He drinks a lot, I blog all day. But we're still madly in love, and by no means perfect, and by less means easy, but we're still together. But when I look at him I still feel the love, and when I look at our daughter I know that even if we weren't meant to be together forever, we've accomplished an incredible feat of creating and nurturing an amazing little girl who will grow up to know that her parents love her more than anything in the world, and that she was conceived in pure love. Maybe a bit drunkenly, but it was love all around.

I heard the other day that a friend may be getting divorced. This person has been holding those divorce papers over her husband's head for a while now, first threatening to get a lawyer, then to do a divorce on the internet, then actually printing out the forms, researching child support, and last I heard she'd actually signed the forms and handed them over.

You can't live like that. You can't con someone into staying with you by threatening to leave. By taking away the intimacy, and his freedom, and financial support. That's not a marriage, and I think when it gets to that point, and when you use the kids to hurt one another, at that point you either need to sit down and figure out your issues, or call it quits.

And the adults think they are suffering, but really it's the kids who end up carrying the pain and anger for the rest of their lives. And if you can't come to an amicable agreement between yourselves to divorce, at least don't drag the kids through the mud, making them choose who they want to live with, making them feel guilty for loving one parent differently than the other, and possibly making them leave their sibling. It's really fucking sick how selfish divorcing partners can be, and I hope that if P and I ever come to that point, Taryn won't be caught in the middle. We both agree now that I'm the more attentive parent, and I hope he wouldn't fight me for custody...for the sake of fighting.

Damn, depressing for a Sunday morning. But I believe in not doing something half-assed. If you are going to make a change in your relationship, for the better or for the worse, do it all the way. If you are going to seperate, get two different apartments until you decide if you will stay married, don't let the kids witness the fighting and hatred and think that is how marriage is supposed to be. If you are going to do something to strengthen the relationship, self exploration or whatever, do it all the way.

As for me, I'm getting a tattoo. :)

P got my name tattooed on his body before we were even engaged. I refuse to get his name... I've got possession issues, but I want to find something to symbolize us, and what we've been through and all that we've overcome so that he knows I'm not pussy-footing around in our marriage. This is for real.