Fear of Failure

Damn, you know when you read something, and it's just a bit too close for comfort? Like studying psychology and you get convinced that you have half the diagnosis in the book, except this time you really know for sure that shit, that's something to work on....

I read a blog earlier today, and it hit pretty close to home, a little closer than I'd like to admit, and I mind-blocked it, but instead of going away I started to mind-trip off it and whoa... I'm embarassed to say that I am horribly afraid of failure.

Now some people are like, "Duh Woman," and maybe it's one of those things that is super-evident to an outsider, but not so obvious when you're stuck in the middle of it. I used to pride myself that I was hired at every job I applied to, until today I started thinking that I've only applied to a handful of places, so really, that's no major feat. I mean, yes, I take pride in the fact that I was on Student Government and I was chosen for a NASA internship, and I was hired as one of five out of more than 100 applicants for my current position, but I think in most of those situations, I could have taken it a step further, but I didn't because I was scared to fail.

I could have run for Governemnt after Freshman year, I really enjoyed it, but although I've always been well-know, I haven't really been in the "popular" group at school and I didn't want to embarass myself by making an effort for something I really wanted, and not succeeding. So I chose instead to just not run. To not put myself out there, to not take that risk. I wish now I had, but I can't go back and change that.

When I was at the NASA internship, I can't say I consciously sabotoged myself. I genuinely had issues with some of the people there, but I wonder if those issues were an excuse for me to leave early so that I didn't end up not being the best, the smartest intern there? I was definitely the cutest, but not quite as sharp as some of the other people.

And with this job, I wanted to apply for a different one, but I didn't think I had enough experience and I knew I would have a better chance of getting into this one so I didn't even apply for the other one. I figured that if I was an EW for long enough that maybe I'd have a better chance of doing what I really want to do.

I think this fear of failure has some positives too, though. P and I are still together because I didn't want to disappoint my family and friends by being a divorcee afer a year.

But it's easier to say "I didn't even try," than "I tired and I failed." For me at least. It's easier for me to be dependent on P than to put myself out in public to make new friends and develop new interests. It's just easier to avoid life than to face it head on and have the disappointments that are bound to happen.

But I'm working on it. When I'm feeling depressed, I'm getting better at getting out of the house for a hike instead of sitting in my room alone. And I'm looking for new jobs that I really want to do, not just what I'm qualified to do. I'm trying to push past my limits and develop new hobbies and just experience more that is out of my comfort zone. I'm trying to get past my faer of failure, even before I recognized what it was.