No Control

Tonight was the first time in a long time I had to give Taryn to her father to be put to sleep. Normally, it's the other way around. Normally she'll cry with him, and fall asleep fairly easily with me. but not tonight.

I've been trying for an hour and a half to put her down. Every time I put her in the crib, she starts crying hysterically, snot dripping down her nose, tears streaming down her face. I left her to cry for 5 minutes, picked her up and settled her down, and immediately when I put her back in the crib, she started screaming. 10 minutes and I go back in, rock her a bit, sing to her some more, put her back in the crib and she's screaming again. 15 minutes later, still screaming.

I tried to nurse her, she's swinging her arms in circles, flailing and scratching, kicking me in the neck. I try not to take it personally, I know she's not intentionally hurting me, but I just got so damn frustrated. Neither one of us are in control. I can't get her to calm down enough to sleep, and she can't soothe herself either, so we're stuck in this awful struggle, both with the same goal, but neither of us able to accomplish it.

So before I get too angry, after an hour and a half of this back and forth crap, I call P to put her to bed. I know he's pissed, he just got back form the gym and was trying to make dinner. I feel like an utter fucking failure, and go figure it'd be on the eve of my first Mother's Day. Maybe I don't deserve to celebrate, it takes more than a cooch to be a mother and tonight is one of those nights I question my ability to do this. To raise an independent being.

I feel my chest tightening up, and I'm trying my damnest not to let the tears flow, but this is not what I was expecting. I knew it would be hard, but why do I get the shit jobs? Why does P just get to play with her, and her eyes light up when she see's him, but me? I'm just food. No excitement to see me anymore, but I get the struggle whenever I try to pick her up. I know the transition is hard, to have Mama back when I've been at work all day, but can I get an ounce of appreciation for what I'm doing? I know she can't control her emotions, but it breaks my brittle fucking heart that she doesn't give a shit when I walk in the door.