Still Embracing

I’ve been having this weird sensation lately of listening to people talking and thinking “Holy! Is that what I sound like?” Or seeing people walk down the street in an outfit that I could have picked out myself and wondering “Gawd, do I look that weird?” And not in a bad way, but more of an “I wonder what people really think of me” way.

Because I have all these odd preconceptions about myself, and many of them have been validated, but in this new striving-to-not-give-a-shit-that-I’m-a-Weirdo mode, I’m wondering how many of the misconceptions about me I’ve perpetuated.

Let me give you an example. People who don’t’ know me think I’m a bitch. Well, people who know me think the same thing, but for good reason. And it’s not that I’m stuck up, but I’m very shy. And I started musing on why people assume that I’m evil, when they’ve never heard a word out of my mouth. I don’t trust people who don’t’ speak up, so I know that’s part of it. But I started to look at the people I am around, or see on the street, and try to see form an outside perspective how I appear to others.

And wow.

My habit of jumping from topic to topic without finishing a thought? Very annoying.

Smiling at everyone I pass in the hallways at work, but not always saying Hi or Good Morning? A little creepy.

Trying to dress-down fancy pants with sneakers and a tee-shirt? Looks really odd.

Black eyeliner in the middle of the day? Maybe not the softest look.

And all of the above on a pretty girl? Weird. Score!

But really, I think people see me and assume I’m unapproachable. Which it not true most times, but very true some moments. It’s fun to recognize traits in others that you know you have, and I can be amused at the quirks. I’m not perfect, I used to think I was the closest thing to God walking this earth, but I’m over that. I think everyone else was over it before I was.

I know I have blind spots, maybe a look in my eye or a tone to my voice that warns people to stay away? And even if I don’t mean it in the moment, it’s something I’ve developed to protect myself, to set boundaries with people I didn’t want to approach me. So it’s my own fault, but I feel like I have enough maturity and strength to verbally let people know when they are infringing on my personal rights, and I’d like to get rid of my “Stay Way” vibes.

I do notice that people approach me a lot more when I have Taryn. Maybe I need to act every day the way I do when I’m with her. I would probably be much happier if I really felt that all day long. Gawd, that kid is amazing. I can’t pinpoint what it is that makes me act differently with her, maybe because I really am happy, or because I’m less self-conscious since I’m so focused on her. Maybe my self-consciousness is mistaken for bitchiness?

The thing that is irking me with this whole line of thought, and excuse me for being an a-hole by saying this, but why are normal-looking people allowed to be shy, and it is expected that I am not? Not to blow up my head bigger than it already is, but I know most days I look good. It’s just not fair for people to assume that since I’m not outgoing, I’m snotty. If I was ugly, would I have this same problem? I really don’t think people would assume that I quiet because I thought I was better than them, they would assume I was quiet because I was shy.

And I’m shy because all my life I’ve been attracting attention that I didn’t want. It’s traumatic as a 12 year old to have old men at the bus stop telling you the things they want to do to you, thinking you were older. And it’s intimidating to be singled out by teachers as the “very smart, exotic-looking one” and be expected to represent the entire African-American race. It’s a lot of pressure to put on a kid who just wants to fit in and be normal, because no matter what I did, people saw me. I became self-conscious at a young age when I realized that some people could walk into a room and not be noticed, but I was never one of them. It wasn’t always a bad thing, but it was fairly consistent. And I started to over-think every single action, knowing that someone would see it.

And I’ve partly grown out of that, because while yes, people still notice if I walk into a meeting and have a wedgie, I’m realizing that their opinions of me really mean jack. So you think I have no fashion sense? Fine. My hair isn’t perfect? Neither is yours. I screwed up a case and my face turned bright red? Yep, and in about a minute it’ll be back to the beautiful café au laite color you wished yours was. I know, easier said than done, but it is getting easier. And even though it takes constant attention to remind myself that my world will not end if you don’t approve of me, I obviously don’t have much else to focus on right now.

So thanks, you’re helping me to become the Weirdo I’ve always known I was.