Trying to be Honest

It's painful to admit it, but holidays are really difficult for me. These fews days of the year put it in glaring brilliance that I am not where I want to be in life.

I feel like I should be doing something. I feel bad that I'm at home on Halloween night, that the only places I was invited to were kids parties. I blame it on my husband, because if I wasn't married, maybe I'd have a more active social life. And lately I have been using Taryn as an excuse too, that if I didn't have to worry about a sitter, I'd be more free to cultivate relationships with people.

But the awful truth is if I was alone, no husband, no toddler, no job to "make" me be be responsible, I'd probably still be sitting home alone on Halloween night passing out candy to all the happy people who surround me, and feeling sorry for myself. Because that's just how I am.

I'm good at making friends, and I'm shitty at keeping them. It's something I've dissected on here before, and the fact that it is a recurring issue for me just makes it that much m ore difficult to face.

I woke up this morning hating my life. I didn't want to go to work. I didn't want to hear about how much fun everyone but me had at their Halloween party, or Trick-or-Treating, or how nice it was to just stay home and watch a movie. I wanted to lay in bed and cry all day long because I'm miserable right now.

So I smile and laugh, ask how your night was and gush over how fun next year will be but the truth is inside I'm cringing. I don't want to hear it today but I force myself to listen so I don't drown in my own self-pity.

***

I don't understand how biologically I can feel fine one day and so horribly depressed the next. I don't know how it is for other people, but my depression consumes by soul, it's not that I'm just sad. My body feels worn out and my emotions are raw. Everything seems too bright, and too dim at the same time. I don't have the energy or will-power to get out of bed and take care of my child, but my the hamster wheel in my brain is spinning out of control.

But the truth is, when I get out of my head for a minute: This is who I am.